@Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead "And I'm so fucking fed up of women and black women in particular being expected to act respectfully and with dignity when faced with abuse, injustice and inequality. Fuck that shit."
I expect EVERYONE to act respectfully and with dignity. It's my standard position.
Regardless of how fed up you are, the fact is that if you want something to change you play the game and you do what is needed. If you just dig heels in and say "f that" then society will say "no, f you" and then there is a conflict. It is deeply unfair and unjust and at the same time the fact is that we get what we need/want not by throwing our toys out of the pram, especially when we then expect the person to give the toy back later.
If someone came to me and said "how dare you do X,Y and Z? You nasty piece of work! You must treat me respectfully and with equality", I would possibly think "okay and why should I? What incentive do I have and what do I get from being nice and kind?" Is that fair? No. If you come to me and say "can we have an open dialogue about this, I do appreciate that..." I am MUCH more likely to by into the subject.
It's being diplomatic and playing the game. I'm bisexual (at the time I was gay). Whenever I "came out" I'd get the old "you don't look gay" thing. Had I just gone "what are you trying to say?!" and get all defensive about it then go to the press, I suspect I wouldn't get anyone on side. Instead, my usual response was "what does a gay person look like?" and if they said "you know..." I'd say "no I don't know. Can you elaborate because I can't ever find any!"
Did I have to do that consistently? Yes. Did I dislike the fact that they were implying gay = camp? It is what it is. I don't make ANY assumption about motives unless someone out and out says "I think gays are all camp queens" then I assume good intention. Is it FAIR that I get stereotyped into not fitting in with their idea of gay men? Is it fair that I almost get praised for not being flamboyant and OTT like Julian bloody Clarey? Not particularly but it is what it is. Asking why someone thinks something is MUCH more powerful than just screeching that it shouldn't be that way.
In short, people will always do things that we don't like. I find most of the time it's our own interpretation of events that causes the suffering, not the events themselves. After all, we see things as WE are not as THEY are.
One last example of this point: My best friend is gay, and he booked a double room (two single beds) online. When he arrived with his gay friend, they were told that there was only a double bed free. They weren't all that bothered and said it was fine. Then the guy at the counter looked them up and down and said "oh actually, all the rooms are fully booked. Apologies". What did my friend do? Text me "this hotel is homophobic, they wouldn't give us a double bed, the guy gave us a dirty look and then said they had over-booked".
I asked him how he KNEW the guy was homophobic and he said, "because he looked at us like we were pieces of shit and wouldn't give us a room". I gently reminded him that he had read the mind of the bloke at the counter, assumed it was acting with malice and then projected his own belief onto the guy. The fact was that the guy looked at them and said he didn't have a room as they had over-booked. Those were the full facts. Everything else was his own internal story.
This happens ALL the time. If someone doesn't give me a promotion its because I'm black/brown. They refuse service because I'm gay. They "wouldn't have done that if I were... (white, straight, a man etc). "He ignored me because I am fat/ugly/different looking". Its all assumption UNLESS you can observe it (you can't observe someone's thoughts, until they tell you them. Then you can observe it with your five senses).
People all need to take a moment, breathe and notice when they are assuming.