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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be happy with DP working away?

109 replies

susiesuelou · 30/11/2022 19:58

If there was potential for him to earn at least twice his current monthly income?

Basically an opportunity has come up for DP to move to a different base within his company, but it would mean a pattern of 10 days working away in a different part of the country, and just 4 days home... and repeat.... for 3 months initially to see how it goes.

Currently he's home every evening and is very hands on with our young DC (20 months old). I think I'd be pretty burnt out juggling home life, our toddler, and my own job by myself for 20 days of the month, but we would be obviously in a far better financial position.

We have no family support, by the way. It would just be me effectively doing everything as a single mum for most of the month.

Is it worth it?? Would you go for it in my situation?

OP posts:
Travis1 · 30/11/2022 20:01

Yup. In a heartbeat and would be making plans to relocate if it worked out especially as you say you have no family support anyway. Do what’s best long term for your family. I’d probably get a cleaner in once or twice a week too from the extra income

2020firsttimemum · 30/11/2022 20:03

Agree with pp

If it made sense in the long run I would do it. I'd also get a cleaner once or twice a week to help

And then if it works and you're happy to relocate then good news. Makes sense before DC starts school

Smartiepants79 · 30/11/2022 20:04

I’d definitely agree to try it.
How much do you work?
Would this new salary enable you to work less if you wished to?
Would the 4 days be him off work completely?

Smartiepants79 · 30/11/2022 20:04

Or yes, use some of the extra to outsource some jobs. Cleaning, ironing etc.

Tiredallofthetime · 30/11/2022 20:05

Its hard, to be honest. You do get into your own routine but it’s tiring and lonely. That’s not saying don’t do it, though! But definitely get a cleaner!

Lolalime · 30/11/2022 20:06

yes Absolutely

Original poster
susiesuelou · 30/11/2022 20:06

Smartiepants79 · 30/11/2022 20:04

I’d definitely agree to try it.
How much do you work?
Would this new salary enable you to work less if you wished to?
Would the 4 days be him off work completely?

I work 4 days currently. He would be literally doubling his take home home pay so I could in theory drop more hours, yes. Cleaner is a good idea.

OP posts:
rainbowandglitter · 30/11/2022 20:07

No way. Spending time and living life with DH is absolutely my top priority. I'd not give that up for anything. Obviously that's assuming you can manage on the money he currently earns.

Original poster
susiesuelou · 30/11/2022 20:08

Yes 4 days off completely. His 10 days "on" would be intense and long hours though, so I imagine little contact between us as he'd be really busy.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 30/11/2022 20:08

No. Absolutely no way.

NellyBarney · 30/11/2022 20:09

10 days is a long time. Is there no way it could be 5 days away/2 days home, or ideally 4 days away, 1 day wfh, 2 day weekend? If your dh's salary increases that much, could you maybe reduce your hours to make it more manageable for you? My dh is often away for work, as are the spouses of many of my friends. But they are either SAHP, work part time or have an aupair/grandparent/nanny to help with childcare.

Merrow · 30/11/2022 20:09

I wouldn't do it personally. Fine if the intention was to move there eventually, or after 3 months the expectation was that less time away would be necessary. I think it would fundamentally change my DP and DCs relationship, which would be a shame for both of them.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 30/11/2022 20:10

For a short while why not? You can then both make informed decisions based on how it goes. After 3 months you need to use those 4 days to sit down and discuss your next steps, seriously, without putting off any discussion, difficult topics etc. A proper, adult, this is how our lives will change, joint discussion.

The possibilities are endless. Enjoy the potential!

monsteronahill · 30/11/2022 20:11

I would definitely do it, if your hours could be arranged so that your 4 days off would be in sync with each other.

My DH works away a lot anyway, so my view is probably a bit skewed!

Doubling his take home would be beneficial, I'd definitely think with a young DC at home and you being the main person at home a cleaner as PP have said would be helpful and not make too much of a dent in the extra earnings.

staherts · 30/11/2022 20:11

My husband has worked away a lot, including for more than 20 days a month. It worked for us at the time and allowed us to save up a house deposit. But I have a 1 year old now and a 3 year old and I don’t think either of us would be up for it at this point in time. My career is important (although I earn less) and he wouldn’t want to be away from the children so much. We also have no family nearby so we ideally need both of us to manage childcare and busy careers. But if we really needed the cash (eg were struggling to pay the mortgage), then we’d do it. I guess the things to consider are where do you want to live, could you relocate if it worked out and how important is your career to you and your family and could it be damaged by him being away so much/you moving.

PinkPlantCase · 30/11/2022 20:11

Do you actually need the extra money?

If my DH had the same opportunity we would turn it down. Our combined income is about 65k and we are comfortable. More money is of course nice and we do plan to progress in our careers but not at the expense of each other or our family.
We are a team, I fail to see how you can be a team if one of you is hardly ever there. You will so much so become the default parent.

Both me and DH grew up with dads that were hardly ever there because they worked away a lot and we are both very set against it for our own kids.

Do you have a career? If so how will this impact on
that?

Wheretheskyisblue · 30/11/2022 20:12

Would the 4 days off coincide with weekends? I quite enjoy having the house to myself when my DH is away in the week and find working and looking after the children easier than when he is around. However I would find the weekends without him pretty lonely and a bit of a slog.

BendingSpoons · 30/11/2022 20:12

No I don't think I would. I'd possibly agree if there was a plan to relocate if it went well. The money wouldn't be worth it for me otherwise.

Hesleepswiththefishes · 30/11/2022 20:12

Do it
Occasional nursery for lo
outsource other things cleaning etc

Rinatinabina · 30/11/2022 20:12

If it leads to a permanent move then yes absolutely. it will absolutely be difficult and you should buy in as much help, extra childcare as you need to do it but it will be good for you as a family.

The double pay is also a long term benefit to him, he can bargain harder for his next job. Most people take bloody ages to be able to double their take home pay without switching jobs frequently.

sneezingpandamum · 30/11/2022 20:15

If it was just for 3 months then maybe

But the reality is most couples I know who did this the arrangement went on for years

Not something I could do personally. Your child is so young and will change so quick. This is time with them they will never get back. Unless you are really struggling financially somethings are worth more than money

Moraxella · 30/11/2022 20:15

Mine works abroad a lot, seen him 2 days in past 2 weeks or so. It is what it is. Does get a bit tiring stressing about being the one “on call” for nursery in case child needs picking up as my job is fairly full on too. And doing all the bedtimes and mornings.

Bumble84 · 30/11/2022 20:17

What’s the end game? Relocate? ConTinue working away?

Are you planning more children?

It would be too much for me if there was no definite end in sight or plan but we have 2 under 2. Double the money is good obviously, how much of a difference would it make to you? Help with essentials or just luxuries? My DH has an opportunity which would mean beings away for an month and that I can manage because it’s short term pain long term gain.

FinallyHere · 30/11/2022 20:18

would just be me effectively doing everything as a single mum for most of the month.

I certainly wouldn't accept it on that basis. Why would you?

Work out the finances carefully to establish how his take home pay would change. Decide what you would want to outsource. Cleaning, ironing, gardening, handy person can all be outsourced by engaging people to come as frequently as would make sense for you.

Consider how it would impact his CV pension and whether you might want some of the additional pension contribution to be in your name.

Then think about it, from a position of strength.

TheChosenTwo · 30/11/2022 20:19

I’d certainly be open to trialling it for the 3
months and seeing how it went.
You would then have more money to outsource various things like other people have mentioned, a cleaner.
if it works out, would you consider relocating? Do you have a transferable role? Make sure you consider yourself a priority in this, you have no family support for yourself or child but do you have a support network of friends? That can be invaluable.