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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be happy with DP working away?

109 replies

susiesuelou · 30/11/2022 19:58

If there was potential for him to earn at least twice his current monthly income?

Basically an opportunity has come up for DP to move to a different base within his company, but it would mean a pattern of 10 days working away in a different part of the country, and just 4 days home... and repeat.... for 3 months initially to see how it goes.

Currently he's home every evening and is very hands on with our young DC (20 months old). I think I'd be pretty burnt out juggling home life, our toddler, and my own job by myself for 20 days of the month, but we would be obviously in a far better financial position.

We have no family support, by the way. It would just be me effectively doing everything as a single mum for most of the month.

Is it worth it?? Would you go for it in my situation?

OP posts:
Theoldwoman · 30/11/2022 22:37

I’ve been doing it for 20 years, after moving countries with 2 young kids and then having a third.
The kids still at home are 21 and 19, and don’t remember him not being home some years for special occasions. No family here either. I worked FT for a bit too. If your relationship is strong and you have great communication, give it a go.

user564576 · 30/11/2022 22:38

I’ve got several friends whose husbands are in the military, they spends months at a time on their own.

That's very different from full time living apart though (although I know some military families do both) deployments are nothing like permanent separate living arrangements, I put up with deployments, I refused to live apart permanently (have done it temporarily when needs must)

HeckyPeck · 30/11/2022 22:38

It would be a definite no from me. I wouldn't want to be away from my husband for that long anyway, let alone with a small child.

hollyjolls · 30/11/2022 22:39

susiesuelou · 30/11/2022 20:19

We don't desperately need the extra income, no. We manage fine. We aren't absolutely rolling in it, but we get by without struggling. DP wants us to save for a deposit for a house (we rent at the moment), so he's seeing this as a way to achieve that more quickly.

Yes, I have a career, one that I've worked very hard for. I'm quite senior in my role now and I'm well paid (I actually earn more than DP at the moment but if he took this opportunity he would massively out earn me). In terms of impact on my job.... I suppose the only issue I can predict is our toddler being unwell and it being solely my responsibility to leave work and care for her. At the moment we split any sickness and days off work with her.

There'll be a huge impact on the running of day to day life, though, and that worries me a lot. DP is very hands on and does a lot, e.g. food shops, housework, looking after toddler etc. I think this would be a huge shock to the system for me!

I also worry about his relationship with our DC. They are really close and I wouldn't want that to change.

In response to your last comment, as long as he's is massively hands on when he's home and puts in a lot of effort with DC it really shouldn't affect the relationship. It hasn't in our situation. DS always goes to DP out the 2 of us when we're both there and stands at the bath waiting for him to get out, follows him around everywhere etc 🙈 If he wasn't doing much/you still doing the bulk of the parenting when he is home then I imagine it could maybe affect the relationship then.

rcat74 · 30/11/2022 22:43

Just be aware of the effect it could have on your child. My husband deployed to Afghanistan when my little girl was 18 months old. She was utterly bewildered and if we called on zoom I would have awful, disrupted nights sleep with her. When he came home on R&R she wouldn’t go near him. It was very hard and I think it has affected her even now ( she’s 12).

Theoldwoman · 30/11/2022 22:44

And the money is seriously insane, think more than AUD$350K per annum.

healthadvice123 · 30/11/2022 23:37

As its a trial yes as if it doesn't work out you can go back to before etc and have a little extra cash
People in services go away for weeks at a time etc

Onthecuspofabreakthrough · 01/12/2022 00:27

I wouldn't be happy and dh would not want to be away from his dc and not get to see them day to day.

PinkPlantCase · 01/12/2022 08:40

hollyjolls · 30/11/2022 22:39

In response to your last comment, as long as he's is massively hands on when he's home and puts in a lot of effort with DC it really shouldn't affect the relationship. It hasn't in our situation. DS always goes to DP out the 2 of us when we're both there and stands at the bath waiting for him to get out, follows him around everywhere etc 🙈 If he wasn't doing much/you still doing the bulk of the parenting when he is home then I imagine it could maybe affect the relationship then.

Show quote history

@hollyjolls but you said you’ve had this arrangement since the start of your relationship. Your relationship was set up with your partner being away for most of the week. You had children knowing that was the set up.

This is a very different arrangement, OP isn’t used to doing it all on her own and nor should she be.

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