Would you be happy with DP working away?

[susiesuelou]

If there was potential for him to earn at least twice his current monthly income?

Basically an opportunity has come up for DP to move to a different base within his company, but it would mean a pattern of 10 days working away in a different part of the country, and just 4 days home... and repeat.... for 3 months initially to see how it goes.

Currently he's home every evening and is very hands on with our young DC (20 months old). I think I'd be pretty burnt out juggling home life, our toddler, and my own job by myself for 20 days of the month, but we would be obviously in a far better financial position.

We have no family support, by the way. It would just be me effectively doing everything as a single mum for most of the month.

Is it worth it?? Would you go for it in my situation?

Unless you are open to moving too if it works out then it would be a no from me. A couple of friends dhs did this, both lived in Scotland with the dc and their dh commuted (one london, one manchester), one tried to move but couldn't settle and came back. Neither was ever happy with the arrangements but both are still doing it 20 years on.

There is significant costs involved in supporting a second life away from home -accomodation, food, and once they settle in hobbies, socialising with colleagues to prevent getting bored in their B&B/houseshare. The dads missed a lot of seeing their dc grow up. Mums at home felt resentment of their dh living a bachelor life away from home (as in carefree, no worries about being unfaithful) while they had to deal with everything at home.

If you are financially ok now I personally would prioritise being together as a family over more money every time.

I wouldn't do it if it means you are spending that extra money on other things such as you dropping you hours, increased nursery, cleaner and other paid services. Not saying you shouldn't have a cleaner, but it doesn't make sense if the extra money gets eaten up by loss of your earnings and more spending elsewhere, then you are just losing out on time together.

DH did this when DC were 9mth old. It lasted a couple of years. The money was insane and I got a cleaner and we were fine. The money meant we could buy a house.

Respectfully, while it's a lot of money overall, its not enough in itself for such an upheaval, particularly when you are the higher / more sustainable earner ATM.

My dad was a Naval officer and was frequently away for anything up to six months at a time, but both he and my mum knew that when she married him and had the support in place.

Could he not look for a slightly lower-paying role closer to home?

Yes as that's my life. Husband works offshore.

Always managed on my own with the kids, it's just part of life. Covid was tough as he was doing 11 weeks away, 2 weeks home.

But the money he earns pays for financial security so it's worth it in my eyes.

I'm not gonna lie when kids were young (2 under 2 ) it was definitely hard at times.

They are 6 and 8 now so it's easier.

In the first three years we were married, we only spent 18 months living under the same roof. Well worth it to get both our careers off the starting blocks.

DH's later career required a great deal of travel ; those periods of separation and reunion refreshed and renewed us as a couple, and are why we've enjoyed a long marriage.

He can revert back at any time with no consequence (even during the 3 months if he chooses to). He's not tied in contractually. After the 3 months he can then decide if he wants to continue or not. If not, the opportunity is open in future too. It's not a promotion as such - it's a temporary change of base that he can opt in and out of as and when the opportunities are there.

My DH went from a 8-5 job to working weeks away and I love it! It’s made us stronger it’s made ME stronger I have MH issues and it made me put my big girl pants on plus I get to sleep in the middle of the bed with a big bar of chocolate no sharing…Bliss

Great post but the last two paragraphs are very good points

i wouldn’t be dropping any hours to facilitate the career of a man I wasn’t married to tbh

fwiw I do think you should give it a go for three months and see if it’s workable. but in your shoes I would not be reducing my hours and sidelining my own trajectory because his new wage ‘allows’ you to. You would be making yourself very vulnerable if you did.

No. Both DH and I have turned down jobs that would have required just one week of travel a month. We both want to be fully present in our child‘s life.

If our financial situation were different, perhaps we would have made a different decision. if the money would have brought stability not luxury, the trade offs would be considerably different.

Does he want to do it?

If yes then I’d definitely would do it and support him and did when our eldest was a baby.

I’ve got several friends whose husbands are in the military, they spends months at a time on their own.

Absolutely not for me, I wouldn't want to feel like a single parent when I am very happy and used to a loving family unit day in and day out

If you really need the money, go for it

Otherwise, I would hate that. I know a few people who work away from home. None of them like it

In a heartbeat. Far better than having one day off together every two weeks which is what we did for many years with small DC - our day off together was every other Thursday.

I wouldn’t. You’re not married, so I wouldn’t be compromising myself so he could make more money, money that you have no entitlement to. He could buy a house with you and demand a bigger percentage because he’d be paying more towards it. I just don’t think I’d risk screwing myself.

Those who say it's not great being away from kids

My husband worked 4 week home , 4 weeks away. So when home literally spent every hour with kids from birth to school , so I think actually they get way more time with kids.

Now they at school it is less but he gets them up , dressed, school run, then is there for pick up, after school activities.

So I think when a parent has long period of 24/7 home time they can actually get more time with kids

I have friends who OH leave home at 7.30am and get in at 6pm 5 days a week. They haven't really got lots of time with young kids / school kids if you look at it .

The time can work better if doing a away /home rota.

I don’t know how they cope but I know military wives are a close community.

My DH is away months at a time sometimes . When he’s back he’s working a lot too.

I have already posted upthread but I absolutely hate it. I am already unwell with MH issues and this just heightens it. I absolutely fucking hate it.

Think about it long and hard as it’s different for everyone .

Would he do it for you?

Wouldn't work for me as I also work unsociable hours . People saying yes with no question is a bit odd to me, 10 days is a long time . But that's just me, appreciate we're all different

No. I'd either move to the new place where r say no. I love my partner and don't want him gone most of the time.

No. Doesn't sound like a great quality of life.

It would be different if the kids were older. Or if you were on the breadline.

Excellent question

Been there and no I wouldn't want him to work away unless absolutely had to for the money. They miss way too much of kids growing up, their little quirks, just daily living stuff.

DP works away Monday - Friday. He always has done since bar the odd month here and there (together 8 years). We have a 1 year old and I was so worried how I would manage on my own without him, it is a struggle fitting everything in and can certainly get lonely but we have our own little routine and make it work, although I am standing by the window waiting for him get back by Fridays. 😂 He misses DS so much but despite being away 4.5 days a week they have an amazing bond. He had started to look for work at home but he has just been offered a pay rise so from Jan will be on 22k more a year than what he would be if he worked at home. Due to the cost of living crisis it made sense for him to continue with this, we would really be about to struggle otherwise (I work too btw, currently 3 days but soon to be 4 but he is the higher earner).

And the 4 days would run like this in my experience, emotionally.
Day 1 they are tired, try to do stuff but you can see they are tired and both getting used to each other.
Day 2 OK
Day 3 start to dread them leaving
Day 4 feeling gutted they are leaving again.