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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be happy with DP working away?

109 replies

susiesuelou · 30/11/2022 19:58

If there was potential for him to earn at least twice his current monthly income?

Basically an opportunity has come up for DP to move to a different base within his company, but it would mean a pattern of 10 days working away in a different part of the country, and just 4 days home... and repeat.... for 3 months initially to see how it goes.

Currently he's home every evening and is very hands on with our young DC (20 months old). I think I'd be pretty burnt out juggling home life, our toddler, and my own job by myself for 20 days of the month, but we would be obviously in a far better financial position.

We have no family support, by the way. It would just be me effectively doing everything as a single mum for most of the month.

Is it worth it?? Would you go for it in my situation?

OP posts:
JustPickleRick · 30/11/2022 20:35

This was my reality from our son being about 7 months until he turned 5. I was working full time as a teacher and our son was in nursery full time. It was an awful time. The times he was at home used to go so quick and I'd feel so sad when he had to go back. He and our son didn't really have much of a bond because of it. Even now that he works at home full time, I'm still the parent he goes to and has the bigger bond with. Such a lonely time. Now he earns less because he's at home but I wouldn't change it for the world. Its so nice to have a partner to share life with and all of the mundane tasks that come with it! Not worth it from my experience. Miserable for everyone involved

Aurora791 · 30/11/2022 20:35

As a short term thing it’s fine, but in the long run it sounds like you’d be making all the sacrifices with your career dropping days etc, having to juggle illness solo etc.

My hubby is armed forces so working away is our reality, and I hate it. I outearn him so we can afford a cleaner etc, and I have a job that is hugely supportive to flexible working etc, but despite all this the impact on my mental health while I try to juggle work and kids while he is away isn’t worth it. There’s only so much juggling working from home with small sick kids you can do without either losing your job or your sanity, and there’s only so much annual leave or parental leave you can take. He also struggles with family life when he’s home because he’s used to having freedom working away. It’s really tough and has really changed the dynamic between us. I resent him hugely because he gets to live his life while I pick up everything solo. Just my experience but do look at what support you could get- If you have family nearby that would make it easier!

bingoitsadingo · 30/11/2022 20:36

No way. I've done a long distance relationship where we only saw each other for a few days every couple of weeks. That was bad enough when we were young and had few responsibilities. No way would I do it with kids, both because I wouldn't want to be parenting alone that much and because I want my kids to grow up with a consistently present and involved father.

Original poster
susiesuelou · 30/11/2022 20:36

ILOVECHEESE79 · 30/11/2022 20:29

You wouldn't be a single Mum, though, would you, so please don't insult people who actually are by comparing yourself to one!

I meant from a practical point of view, as I'd be doing everything alone for those days he's away. Financially obviously it's not comparable.

OP posts:
GraceandMolly · 30/11/2022 20:37

No, I wouldn’t.
He would be away from his child 20 days a month. Why would he want to do that? Are you struggling financially now? I would only consider this if I was happy to relocate to this new place after 3 months.

rockingbird · 30/11/2022 20:37

My stbexh worked away for triple his UK salary. I agreed at the time to better our long term financial future. It now transpires within three months he'd already dipped his dick and it was pretty standard practice for most men working away.. double life to boot. Ah be careful what you agree to.

BakewellGin1 · 30/11/2022 20:38

My view will be out of sync with many I think.

My own DF worked away (forces) for long periods so to me its normal.

DH has always worked away since we met. Initially 5 days away 2 home.
Now its dependent on the job he is managing. Usually 3 weeks away and 4/5 days home. Currently 7 weeks away then home 3 weeks over Christmas.

Both DC are used to it and have friends with similar set ups. It's all any of us know.

I'm on my own with two DC and currently am managing a teenager and a three ager. One set of grandparents to help me out. I do all school events, appointments, hobbies and household stuff. DH when home takes over the majority. Personally I manage fine. Work full time, term time only. Its full on but I find that easier.

He video calls both oldest and youngest daily, we speak and text regularly and he also texts oldest (teen). They all have a good relationship and we always have plans/trips etc when he is home so we spend time together, he spends time with kids both together and individually.

To be honest oldest has a better relationship with his DF then some of his friends do with parents who are around every day.

In all honesty it depends on your set up, how independent you are and if it works for you.

CaronPoivre · 30/11/2022 20:38

My husband worked away during the week for many years. It allowed us to build a good life, to buy additional help and to ensure we will be able to live very comfortably in retirement without any drop in living standards, to provide support for the children as they enter adulthood allowing them to get onto the property ladder. It wasn’t always easy but it was worth it.

Notplayingball · 30/11/2022 20:40

No, I wouldn't. Having support would be more important on a daily basis than more family income.

Footballmyarse · 30/11/2022 20:43

My husband worked in another country (only a v short flight and we were 20 mins from airport), early morn until Friday eve from when ds was 6 months until he was 8 years old. He also did a few stints further afield where it was too far to come home at weekends.

It was fine. Not much difference really from friends who’s partners/themselves worked long hours and were out the house everyday 7am - 9pm including long commutes.

I was a sahm though, which made life a thousand times easier.

Footballmyarse · 30/11/2022 20:44

*early morning mondays that should say

Monstermoomoo · 30/11/2022 20:45

My husband travels quite regularly for work, is away at least one night a week but was recently away for almost two weeks. It was honestly hell. The children were miserable and just wanted their dad, and I was completely run off my feet. I'm a SAHM without any help from anyone except my husband. It was not an enjoyable experience. Obviously children would quite quickly get used to the situation if it were a regular occurrence as they're very adaptable, but I'm not sure it's a situation I'd want them getting used to. Sorry to be so negative 🙈

Having said that, if you guys do go ahead with it - make the most of it! Join him there every couple of weeks while your child is still young enough not to get fined for missing school. It can definitely work if you want it to. I just personally wouldn't want to. Oh and also, make sure you have at least one completely child-free and also work-free day a week. You will need it, and I guess would be able to afford it!

JADS · 30/11/2022 20:46

I suspect I am also out of sync because dh did this when we had 2 kids, only he was only home 2 days in 14. It was hard, but it was for a finite length of time so it was fine. He has also worked away during the week as do I.

I would be tempted to put a time limit on it and save every extra penny for a house deposit so you don't get used to the extra. I did something similar in my early 20s and it was really worth it.

LargeglassofRosePlease · 30/11/2022 20:48

I speak as someone whose DH has worked abroad for at least eight months so far this year. I also have severe mental health issues and D.C. to look after.
I hate it. I am struggling but drowning.
Its shit so think carefully before agreeing to this .

tickticksnooze · 30/11/2022 20:49

What happens after 3 months? Can he revert without consequence? Will the pattern change? Will you relocate?

What would this role lead to for him? Or is that it then? Would he be gone 2/3 of the time for the rest of his career? That would massively shift your relationship dynamic if he's opting out of home life two thirds of the time forever (realistically he's not going to be carrying any of the mental load of planning in that scenario so he'll just be dropping by with you as default parent/life organiser).

If the extra income and increased domestic burden for you result in you dropping salary and therefore pension, would some of his extra income be used to make up the drop in your pension contributions (including the lost employer contributions)? If not, why not?

Otherwise that's a massive hit for you to take to facilitate him, especially once you factor in lost cumulative growth.

BringbackSpringsteen · 30/11/2022 20:50

No. I like sharing the parenting load and that my kids have an equal relationship with their dad. I don't want to be the primary parent.

been and done it. · 30/11/2022 20:50

I'd give it a go for 3 months I think and see how it goes.

AnyOldThings · 30/11/2022 20:51

Love DH working away. Best of both worlds with place to myself & DD in the week then family at weekend.

I love my own space and need it to stay sane so I’d hate it if he was home all the time. Regardless of money.

Floralnomad · 30/11/2022 20:53

In your position I would go for it if it enables you to get on the housing market quicker .

funrunning · 30/11/2022 20:53

Wouldn’t contemplate for a moment. DH and I have been together for 23 years and have probably not spent more than ten days apart in that whole time. I can’t imagine him being that absent from the kids lives.

willithappen · 30/11/2022 20:57

No. I wouldn't want to be a 'part time' partner (understand not everyone would view it as this but that's how I would feel) and I also would prefer the time being spent with my partner and the family life rather than the money.

If we were really struggling financially then I would have to consider but I really wouldn't like it

Notplayingball · 30/11/2022 20:59

drkpl · 30/11/2022 20:20

No, no, no. My dp and I struggle financially and I wouldn’t do it for all the money in the world. Especially not with young children. I understand it works for some families, but it absolutely ruined my parents and then my childhood. Besides, I like the company of dp. I think some things are worth more than money.

This, definitely.

Edinvillian · 30/11/2022 21:01

We did it with our eldest and I felt like a single mum with money. Granted he was away for weeks at a time though. With our second child he worked closer to home and it's much better.
Now 10 years on I wish he'd go away just for a week now and then 😂

Edinvillian · 30/11/2022 21:02

I did find I got myself into a routine while he was away and was irritated by him changing things when he came back. All in all I wouldn't do it again.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 30/11/2022 21:05

Yes definitely go for it! I've got 7 children and my partner works away constantly. He's away anywhere between 2 weeks to 2 months. He's home a few days then back away. We have zero help from family/friends. You'll cope just fine, you'll get into your own routine and it'll feel normal in no time.