Mums best friend dating my ex!

[lucie333]

Am I being unreasonable to think this is incredibly weird? He is 23 she is 40, me and him went out most of our childhood which she would often see us, she thinks she's not doing anything wrong, and my mum is still friends with her and I just can't understand why! Maybe I'm over thinking it

I feel betrayed by the person I called my auntie, not him I couldn't care less about who he dates.

I'd feel the same OP. From your update though, it sounds like you had a lucky escape. Give it a little longer and they'll probably go their separate ways anyway.

I think you're being harsh to tell her she can't be in your life. Why would you do that? You can surely continue to see her without him being around, even tell her you don't want it mentioned; but to cut her off altogether seems unnecessary and cruel. You've said she's the vulnerable one and is confused, and she's clearly responding to warmth and attention. If he's a bad person then surely she's to be pitied for her naievety and lack of judgement rather than blamed?
I'm glad for her that your mum is continuing to support her, as it sounds like she'll need it. Your mum is not being disloyal to you, as this woman has done nothing wrong to you, it's not about you at all.

Next time you see her you'll have lots to talk about

So she knew him from basically high school age?

That is so ick I don't even have the words for it. Like me dating one of my son's peers. Yuck.

Um, what? I assumed OP was the same age as the guy her mum’s friend is dating.

@5128gap I think that is really kind of you and can see what you mean about the woman being vulnerable.

I just think this it is a bit Jeremy Kyle.

Many of us have been vulnerable but really?

It's very odd behavior, you just wouldn't would you..... bleugh

It'll die a death soon enough.
At 44 I dated a man of 34. I did love him to start with but he was hurt by my admission that I did not see us as a potential Forever thing. I've never been married, but always started out with such optimism but with him I started out thinking This Will End. Which it did!!

In 6 months.

He seemed to resent me putting my son before him even though he knew his mother's neglect of him had left a mark on him.

So my mothering of my son triggered him. He could have been ten years older and reacted the same way though.

@KimberleyClark OP posted that they broke up as he was messing with underage girls.

And we all have different levels of ability to cope and varying levels of support available to us.
In an ideal world a woman gets to age 40 and had sufficient internal and external resources to cope with relationships breaking down, loneliness, and the other crap life throws at us, plus the wisdom to spot and avoid the wrong uns. In the real world, merely living for four decades doesn't stop us from doing things that are daft, seeking comfort where it's not in our interests to do so, and generally going for the quick fix of happiness where we can get it.
If the other women in our lives withdraw their support from us because we're making a poor choice in a man, it only exacerbates the situation as the man becomes the only game in town.

I've told her she can no longer be in my life

Good! What was her reaction?

OP does say they broke up because he was texting underage girls, but also says that they broke up at 17. So how old were the girls he was texting? Because, though it's technically off, there's an enormous difference between a 17 year old boy texting a 15 year old girl as opposed to him texting an 11 year old, for example.

Does she have children? If so, does she know the reason you split with him?

Just something to be aware of, if he is interested in underage girls.

That's true. I think it pays to be vigilant about stuff like this though. The criminal justice system is stacked against women and children when it comes to abuse. Vigilance, noticing red flags, patterns and gut feelins, is sometimes all we have.

Tbh it's none of your business. If he was 17 and messaging a 15 year old girl that's not the same as a 17 year old msging an 11 year old girl.
I doubt it will last long with your "aunt", he'll be in it for the sex and when that fades he'll be off like a shot

It won't be long before he's back contacting young girls, so it won't last. Can your mum talk to her friend about how this can only cause her more pain ultimately?

It's wholly inappropriate. Just because it's legal, that doesn't make it right.
Im not sure pp can fairly call him a paedo though - if OP broke up with him when they were 17 and it was because he was trying it on with say a 15 year old, that's only 2 years difference in age. Different matter entirely than if it was someone in their 20s trying to get together with a 15 year old.
I think distancing yourself is right and I also think your mum should too.

but still, why cant she date him? he is your ex, not your current

Similar thing happened to a friend of mine. We found it all quite odd I must say. Although he left my friend and went off with his mum’s best friend he’d known since he was born!
he was in his 30’s though and she in her 50’s.
they’re not doing anything wrong, it’s just the relationship we found baffling!

You don't see anything weird about it at all?

It's all a bit interbreeding (I know they are not real Aunt & Niece) but still weird.

It's not unreasonable to think age-gap relationships aren't to your taste. That's your view.

It is unreasonable to think you have any say over who your ex dates. You split up when you were seventeen? I take it that was a while ago... or maybe not.

It's even more unreasonable to think your mum should drop her friend because you don't like who the friend is dating.

It's unreasonable to the extreme to think you can have any say over who another woman dates. It's weirdly controlling. Check yourself.

You can't seriously expect OP to be the one providing support to this woman under these circumstances?

It's bloody weird and OP is entitled to withdraw from the situation.

Oh give over, OP is not being controlling. She's (very understandably) feeling creeped out.

@Georgeskitchen

of course HER relationship with her 'Auntie' is HER business.

@lucie333 the age difference I would find a bit 🙄. But each to their own.

the fact he's your ex is 'not on' in my book.

the fact she knew him through his younger teen years a(especially as your boyfriend) is ALL kinds of grim!!

she sounds like a complete mess though, so I'd probably pity her more than anything. Given you don't care who he's with, (if that's true) then I wouldn't cut her out if my life or expect my Mum to, I'd be there to support her when he dumps her, which he will.