Tell me your CF triumphs please

[Sickofcoughing]

In real life I know I am regarded as calm and assertive. In lots of way I am definitely able to speak up for myself.

However CFs get right under my skin. I am a fairly generous person, I like to treat people and it leaves me feeling good. 99% of the time any financial deficit is negligible in friendships, I certainly never notice it.

Except of course for the one I started the thread about. This friendship spans decades. She is a shameless CF. I genuinely think I love but heavily dislike her. It's exhausting being around her because I always have to be on guard for being scammed into paying for something.

I continue to do nothing about it except carry all the resentment by quietly seething. Pathetic yes, I know.

Inspired by this thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4687359-lift-for-5-years-aibu?utm_source=thread&utm_medium=share can you please share with me your victory stories of how you finally called out the CFs in your lives and came away feeling good about it?

My next door neighbour regularly goes on nights outs, buys expensive things but pleads poverty. She knocked on my door once for an onion, no problem I said a d gave her an onion. Two days later she knocked again for a potato and some milk. This was becoming a regular occurance asking for food from several neighbours.

Then another day she asked if I could look after her ds while she went shopping. She came back with a couple of bottles of wine, fags and lipstick. Then asked if I had fed her son because she didn't have any money left to buy his dinner. She then knocked on my door the next morning asking for weetabix and milk for his breakfast. I don't open the door to shameless cheeky fucker now.

Not so much a triumph but definitely a CF.

So it's Year 8 and my DD1 birthday, she invites a handful of her mates. I've still got a kid at primary so I'm in the school playground when a mum comes up and accosts me for not inviting her DD (who my daughter knows but they aren't close, DD wasn't invited to her party, but that was fine)

I felt guilty and included the child. Paid for the cinema ticket and the party food etc...... the girl very much enjoyed it BUT DIDN'T GIVE MY DD A PRESENT.

Some CF are next level, what can you do with them?

@Tsort no, you keep giving amazing examples of how you would deal with specifics when I've said over and over dealing with the specific doesn't deal with the overall problem.

Funny you think I'm being melodramatic when you say you'd swear at a fellow guest in someone's house and tell them to stop following you.

You've claimed your social life is great yet I've noticed you've contributed nothing to this thread about your own experiences bar hurling insults.

I appreciate that it's important to be assertive in life but not sure how that tallies with mindlessly following orders from some mumsnetter who still, three pages in hasn't answered the actual op - tell me some of your CF triumphs.

So, cool - you keep doing you too.

MIL is a renowned CF in our estate. One of the many "tricks" she likes to pull is, in our pub when she's finished her drink she walks over to another take to "catch up" with people. She leaves her empty glass down on the table, chats for a bit then before she walks off again she lifts someone else's full glass and walks off 🤢. Most people know not to go to the loo while she's loitering or to just hold your glass.

Anyway she was fuming a few weeks back because some of the younger clientele have created a game out of it - any time she approaches their table they stand on their chairs with their glasses reached as high as possible over their heads until she goes away. She said she was so embarrassed, by it shes sworn never to go back. It is so silly but I couldn't stop laughing when I heard. She'll finally have to pay for her own pints.

“Cf, I need to raise something with you. It’s about the fact that you constantly take advantage of others generosity, in ways which are very manipulative and to be honest, borderline abusive. You believe that you should get for free things which others have pay for - in fact, that others should pay more to subsidise you. I don’t know why you believe this but it’s a deeply unattractive quality. Everyone has noticed but they are too embarrassed to raise it with you and spoil the occasion. I thought I would do to the favour of letting you know so that you have the opportunity to address this personal failing and perhaps to apologise to those whose good nature you know you have abused. It goes without saying that I will not be subsidising you in any way in the future. “

@NimrodNimroy that's just a thief

I deliver aggregates to building sites, usually mortar.

All they have to do is put the tubs out, sometimes turn them upside down first and knock the old dried mortar out.

For months I've been getting frustrated at how many of them take the absolute piss. You call an hour ahead and are told "no problem love, I'll tell the lads to get them ready now."

Then you arrive on site to a big pile of dirty tubs clearly not ready and not a bricklayer in site. You call the guy again and get "oh sorry, give us ten mins".

Ten mins later a couple of guys saunter down and then spend another ten mins getting the tubs ready. By the time you've poured the mortar, cleaned chute, put on the liners, and done the paperwork you've been there for an hour rather than the 20 mins it should take.

This only has to happen a couple of times before you're 1-2 hours behind. You then often hit the rush hour traffic and lose another hour, before getting back to plant and being told it's too late to load now and you'll have to come in an hour early in the morning to load, which means going to bed an hour early. Suddenly 1-2 extra hours have become 3-4, and of course the bricklayers who held you up left site at 4pm regardless as they have fixed hours.

Well, I've now renegotiated my contract to stipulate only 15 mins waiting time unless client agrees to pay a hefty waiting fee which most don't. It's been so good the last few weeks driving off just as they put the last tub down. 😂

Yesterday, I took back 12 tubs from one client which cost £60 each. The client still gets charged for the goods as it's their responsibility to be ready to accept delivery. And best bit is I get paid a return fee of £10 per tub so I got paid £120 for the pleasure of driving off whilst some angry nobhead ranted about how I'd cost him £720 and how he'd now have to pay the same again tomorrow for redelivery. Sorry not sorry. 😎

Op....I'm sorry you had to deal with so many nasty mumnutters at the beginning....I'm enjoying the stories the nice mumsnetters are sharing so thank you for doing this. Sorry I can't remember any cf in my life. I'm sure they are.

I love this actually and I'm going to deliver it except I'm only going to speak from my own experience - nobody else has asked me to represent them.

So I'm going to say all of it except instead of "everyone has noticed" say "I'm sure I'm not the only one who has noticed but whether other people choose to say anything to you is irrelevant"

I have recently extricated myself from a grade A CF and it feels great 😆 it's only now post CF that I fully see the extent of their cheeky fookery and that I should have put healthier boundaries a long time ago. It took me a good chunk of therapy but my people pleasing days are over!

Many examples such as un-reciprocated child care, usually with last minute changes and late collection, turning up literally screaming and crying about boyfriend drama to sob in my kitchen for hours, lived with us for a while not paying a penny while getting divorced ( after her husband caught her cheating), even guilted her way onto a family holiday as they "felt so alone without their kids", but like I said before it was on me to say no.

The final straw came when she started studying at the same uni as me in another city and not only expected to stay with my relatives every month for the next 4 years, but that my DH would look after her kids while she was gone! As it happens I barely had a chance to say no, just not instantly replying but instead taking an hour to think about my reply while doing other things was enough for her to give me a sharp telling off on my doorstep! Apparently I wasn't "straight talking" enough and needed to help her more! I just laughed, as the reason she was on my doorstop, besides to tell me off, was to see if I had an item of clothing her child needed urgently the next day 😆 I said well in the spirit of straight talking it's great you are BUYING these clothes, saves me putting them up on Facebook. She muttered something about the terrible cost of accommodation and how unfair it is that she has no support from anyone and how will she ever build a life for her kids. I nodded and said yes very sad, thats £10 for the clothes. She grudgingly paid, left and hardly talks to me anymore 😆

But op, you’re not representing them, you’re telling her a pertinent fact. Others have noticed, right? They are too polite to raise it, right? If you only speak about your direct experience, she will just write you off as a weirdo.

I have told you how to deal with the overall problem, which is to choose to stop associating with this person.

Please show me:

• Where I said I would (or suggested you should) swear at anyone.
• Where I ‘hurled insults’ at you.

That's not the point, I haven't sat down and discussed this with mutual friends. It they want to bring it up with her they can and for all I know, they could have many times.

Ah I see yes. Sorry, I cross posted with where you said you we’re going to say ‘I’m sure others have noticed’

good luck - hopefully it will be both effective and cathartic!

Three words - grow a pair.

Really? Where did you tell me to stop association with this person?

You gave me a long list of things to do (such as telling her the price of the bill) which I already always do or asking her what her original plan was for accommodation was even though I explained I did that. We both knew the subtext so the problem is the tension I have to endure by not suggesting she shares.

You have called me bloody wet, told me to grow a backbone and suggested there are no differences between Irish people (locally to me specifically) and UK people.

You claim to know my motivation for not causing a scene in someone's house.

You still have not contributed anything to the thread of your own experiences. Do you have some kind of reading comprehension challenges or do you just enjoy joining threads and answering a completely made up question. Because I never said "hey mumsnetters, can you tell me what I should have said in this specific scenario".

OP - thanks for this thread! Gosh, you are getting a hard time from some people here who need a few boundaries themselves - for eg, the boundary between being assertive and downright aggressive and unpleasant.

I get the problem - you ARE on your guard, you do your best to thwart this CF, but she is a very, very crafty piece of work. The fact that she's obviously worked her tricks on other people (to the extent that she's living in someone else's house rent-free) tells us that she's a hard nut to crack. An social situations are difficult if you don't want to ruin the atmosphere/occasion for everyone else, and CFs know this.

magicstar1 · Today 15:46
I've had a couple of CF's but I don't put up with it.
One was on a night out and we had to pay into a nightclub, but that covered a bottle of wine between four of us. Three of us paid, but one friend's GF refused, and we had to cover her part between us. When the wine and four glasses came out, she poured herself one. I took it out of her hand and said "You wouldn't pay, so you don't get any". She ran off crying but the other two (including her BF) said I was right, and left her to feel sorry for herself.

Magicstar - that's a great result. But in my experience, people often side with the CF - and you get accused of being mean and petty. These characters are often very good at playing the victim and lots of people fall for it.

That's the problem I think OP was trying to explain to Tsort. Yes, you can start a public row with the CF, but you could make things worse for yourself if they manage to manipulate other people into feeling sorry for them.

Many involving my eldest DBs wife, who is quite a big CF…(as is he!) SIL once was staying at our house for a few days when her DS was only 6 weeks old (DB working away and she was back in our old town visiting) on the Sunday afternoon we met our mutual friend for picnic and at the end the friend said they were going to the pub, I said oh I wish I had Sundays like yours, I’m off to do the Sunday drudgery’s (baths uniforms lunches etc) ready for the week. SIL said oh well if you’ve got to go home anyway just take the baby and I’ll go for a quick drink.

Reader: It was not a quick drink - she got back at midnight and ignored my calls and messages, so I had a 6 week old with me until the next morning as I didn’t trust her to look after the baby if she was drunk. I did tell her off on that occasion but it’s like water off a ducks back.

They are huge CFs when it comes to getting people to look after their children and never picking them up as planned. It pisses off the whole extended family…most now babysit…so I suppose that’s their karma.

I completely agree - brilliantly put.

@CulturePigeon you have hit the nail on the head - CFs actually rely on the fact there are social constraints in place that stop people making a scene.

I love the advice upthread there to broach the whole thing in one go - describe being taken advantage of generally - instead of descending into squabbling about one taxi journey or 'forgotten' round of drinks.

You don't set boundaries by brandishing them at other people, esp. CF's.
You set them for yourself, & if CF's trample them - you deal with it in the moment, & remove yourself from their orbit.

A message like that will just hand OP's CF a handful of grenades, an opportunity to engage in DARVO, & an open door to melodrama.

Far better for OP to wait until the thrilling installment (!) of CF'ery & say what's on her mind: in her own words - why do you persistently try to take advantage of me?

No need for her to wait around for the inevitable response, pushback & blame-laying. Just say it & be done. Walk away.

100% @KettrickenSmiled

Nobody is making you tolerate all this. Nobody is stopping you from opening your mouth and clearly articulating that her behaviour is unacceptable and stating why. Nobody is making you continue to associate with this person. You are choosing to.

Would be me telling you not to associate with them. Some time ago.

You asked me when you should have/I would have said something and I answered the direct question. Going through what you’d said you’d done and giving alternatives. Again, I did this after you asked.

Again, please show me:

• Where I said I would (or suggested you should) swear at anyone. I’m especially interested in this one, and whether you admit that it never happened
• Where I ‘hurled insults’ at you.
• Where I said there were ‘no differences between Irish people (local to you specifically) and U.K. people) - if you think stating that your current situation is nothing to do with being Irish is the same as ‘there are no differences between Irish and U.K. people’ then I’m not the one with the reading comprehension issue.

Sorry it was a different poster who suggested I swear at her so you've trumped me there, well done you.

@TsortI think the fact that you don't consider what I quoted on my last post to be you hurling insults shows we have reached an impasse.