Tell me your CF triumphs please

[Sickofcoughing]

In real life I know I am regarded as calm and assertive. In lots of way I am definitely able to speak up for myself.

However CFs get right under my skin. I am a fairly generous person, I like to treat people and it leaves me feeling good. 99% of the time any financial deficit is negligible in friendships, I certainly never notice it.

Except of course for the one I started the thread about. This friendship spans decades. She is a shameless CF. I genuinely think I love but heavily dislike her. It's exhausting being around her because I always have to be on guard for being scammed into paying for something.

I continue to do nothing about it except carry all the resentment by quietly seething. Pathetic yes, I know.

Inspired by this thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4687359-lift-for-5-years-aibu?utm_source=thread&utm_medium=share can you please share with me your victory stories of how you finally called out the CFs in your lives and came away feeling good about it?

My DB wanted us to pay £200 to go to his 21st birthday do in Blackpool over 100 miles away from where I lived. He wanted a contribution to his own room so he could get a fancy suite. I couldn't go. So he asked for me to send my share anyway as his birthday present.

I said no and sent him the usual £20 in a card. I was on min wage at the time.

He didn't speak to me for months and nor did the rest of the family all of whom were stupid enough to pay for this because apparently I was the bad guy for not paying "my share" of a party I couldn't attend.

Bonkers.

Some deets changed for privacy.

@Sickofcoughing - I love CF stories too. Both the sheer Cfery of people and stories about those who have stood up for themselves! I now use two very useful phrases, courtesy of Mumsnet - "No thank you" when being offered a ridiculous compromise, having rejected the initial Cfery by using my other favourite Mumsnet phrase - "That doesn't work for me."

I'm not a pushover by any means, but tend to ease people out of my out of my life rather than confront them in a screaming match. Not really a CF story, but when I was younger I was working for a law firm, taking a turn on Reception, when a client called up to speak to one of the lawyers (Let's call the lawyer Joe Soap). I answered the telephone, and he barked, "Joe Soap"
"No" I said, "This is Sistanotcista. May I help you?"
"I want to SPEAK to Joe Soap!" he said, crossly
"Oh, sorry!" I responded, "The terminology we're used to is "Good afternoon. May I speak to Joe Soap, if he's available?"
He was not impressed - made a formal complaint to my boss, who said I was quite correct - staff should not have to deal with rude callers.

So?

If you don't want your cheeky fuckery broadcast to the world, don't write cheeky fuckers emails ...

I have remembered another one.
PILs wanted us to fly (and drive) the 16 hours-each-way journey from where we lived to where they lived, three weeks after I gave birth, healing from 3rd degree tear, as the sole driver in the house, and expected me to fund it, so they could have (and I quote) "a family Christmas".
I said no on grounds of lack of passport for new baby. We eventually heard the end of it. Eventually.

Shall we write to him and see if he's made his millions yet? 🤑

Having trouble spotting the racism here @WomenShouldWinWomensSports - can you help me out?

@WomenShouldWinWomensSports groe up, there was nothing racist about it.

Does this one count?
My toddler asked for a jammie dodger.
I said no.
He asked for 2 jammie dodgers.
I still said no.
He asked for 2 jammie dodgers and 2 digestive biscuits.
I still said no.
He looked thoughtful, then asked for cream crackers.
I decided that was far enough removed from biscuits to give in gracefully.
I handed him the crackers. He took them and immediately asked for 2 jammie dodgers and 2 digestive biscuits as well.
I said no.
This happens at least three times a day. So I'm not sure it's a triumph but I do say no a lot.

😂@WheresMyDodo your DS has a lucrative career in sales ahead of him.
That or senior negotiator for the United Nations or summat ....

It's just a bit low. His kids aren't to blame. It was a private communication.

🤣🤣🤣

Your son is going to run the world, one day!

If Edhouse has kids, & had any concern for them, he wouldn't act such a weapons-grade entitled twat. I'm sure if he has kids, they are well aware of his monumental ego, delusions of adequacy, & CF'ery.

What about poor David Thorne not getting paid for his hours of work? His kids aren’t to blame either for their dad’s lost income.

No stories, but wanted to reassure you that 'Irishness' def has an impact based on this article, at least:

www.rte.ie/brainstorm/2022/1128/1338677-ireland-language-talk-conversation-indirect-politeness/

I like when people assume because you have a car, you're like a taxi service. The amount of times I've heard "well you can take me, you've got a car" and always met with a stare and a nope. Nor to be difficult but just out if sheer manners, ask properly and you'll get a proper answer.

I don’t really know any CFs like this because I’m scary and I don’t think they’d try, but in your case OP:

Don’t arrange meals with her, even if she says she’ll pay. You know what she’ll do, you know you won’t stand up for yourself, just don’t do it.

Same with the party: I wouldn’t have made travel arrangements with her for the last leg in the first place, as it sets you up as a team – here we are, arriving together! You’re not a team, she’s a leech.

Just mute her. You’ll still encounter her in group settings like your friend’s annual party, but don’t engage or let her get her foot in the door by letting her know a single plan of yours.

If you're in someone else's house after they've gone to lots of money and effort to have you there surrounded by their guests and you do something that you know will result in a public showdown and make everyone uncomfortable then yes you're pretty rude.

All the other stuff you suggested I always do - reminding her to pay the bill, asking her what her original plan was for accommodation, saying to the mutual friends I never agreed to share the bed or room with her.

This was kind of my point, having to constantly stand up to this stuff is exhausting and it only deals with the symptoms - I don't end up paying for that one coffee or meal or hotel room. It's a death to the friendship by a thousand cuts having to be vigilant against it and not addressing the root problem which is why do you persistently try to take advantage of me?

I agree with the other poster who said I should have waited till we were out of that situation and hit it head on. Which I intend to do at the next opportunity. I see her far less regularly now so it might be a while.

You need to go on an assertiveness training course op!

She’s not your friend! The friendship is already dead!

Oh god don’t get me started on if you have a car and someone near you doesn’t.

I once lived in a city about 20 minutes drive from work but I was right on the edge nearest to the motorway and a guy from work jumped in saying could he have a lift etc I was new to the area and said yes and then realised I had to drive into the city pick him
up and then drive back to my house and on the motorway to work so it added another an hour on each way - he didn’t have a car and didn’t drive.

it took me a week to mention petrol money and at the end of the next week he gave me £1 for petrol.

it took me 2 months to stop giving him lifts and even then I chickened out - really and left a note in a card and dropped it round his house saying I had started the gym in the mornings near work and wouldn’t be able to do it any more.

he then grumbled every single day at work for the next year about my lack of lifts and often waited by my car in the car park at the end of work for a lift home.

the thing was he managed to get himself to and from work prior to me joining

🤣🤣

From my end yes. I see her very rarely now. She treats everyone like this and has benefitted enormously; free accommodation, free studio space, very flexible casual work conditions, photography equipment bought by a group of friends and has of course thousands in savings. But perspective is a fascinating thing - in her mind we are all rich and she is poor because she sees us spending our money.

Of course 'irishness' is a thing when on a community that's mainly uk based.

That's a good article thanks for sharing. Very interesting about the language, those examples of talking forever are more common outside Dublin (the rest of the country find us really blunt and direct) but I definitely see how my British partner sometimes gives off the wrong impression. He often finds himself involuntarily offending people.

There was a thread here one day talking about wedding gifts, an Irish poster was explaining that she could not show up to a wedding here without a minimum of 100 euro per head for the wedding couple. Some posters would not accept it, claiming it was perfectly fine to give a nice card. Arrogant and clueless in the extreme in refusing to consider cultural differences.

One of the best phrases I learnt was 'I think our friendship has run it's course. I wish you the best'

CF tried to get in touch a number of times but I said 'You aren't respecting my boundaries.' in response -but a little nicer than that.

I would message

Dear Anne

Due to the confusion at the last event that was caused by you making assumptions I just wanted to make sure you understand my position. Our friendship has run its course. I thought this was obvious but maybe it wasn't. I do not want to share rooms, air beds, lifts or anything else with you. I'm happy to be civil if and when we meet within a larger group, but we aren't any longer friends. Please respect my boundaries. I wish you the best.