Tell me your CF triumphs please

[Sickofcoughing]

In real life I know I am regarded as calm and assertive. In lots of way I am definitely able to speak up for myself.

However CFs get right under my skin. I am a fairly generous person, I like to treat people and it leaves me feeling good. 99% of the time any financial deficit is negligible in friendships, I certainly never notice it.

Except of course for the one I started the thread about. This friendship spans decades. She is a shameless CF. I genuinely think I love but heavily dislike her. It's exhausting being around her because I always have to be on guard for being scammed into paying for something.

I continue to do nothing about it except carry all the resentment by quietly seething. Pathetic yes, I know.

Inspired by this thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4687359-lift-for-5-years-aibu?utm_source=thread&utm_medium=share can you please share with me your victory stories of how you finally called out the CFs in your lives and came away feeling good about it?

At Alton Towers in a huuuge queue for the monorail. CF family slide in front of the people in front of me assuming no one will dare say anything. I just said 'excuse me - the back of the queue is over there'. They looked very sheepish and left. The people in front of me thought I was a hero as they didn't dare say anything. I think you get less tolerant of CF's the older you get. I would never have said anything when I was younger!

If you don't think this person is contributing anything and you want them to 'do them', why do you keep tagging them? You're dragging out the conversation and it's weird.

I'm Irish and I HATE this sort of 'it's because we're Irish' nonsense. Steretyped Irishness and plastic paddies all round. There is no one way to be Irish and most of us manage to stand up for ourselves just fine!

Usually I would share money off vouchers and the like but I’m an unpaid carer and won the vouchers through volunteering award (I was nominated but the people I taught through volunteering so it meant a lot) so it was a real treat for us to go out somewhere nice as it was a place well out of our price range. Subway when vouchers come through the door are our usual treats or having fish and chips and eating in the chip shop as they have sit down service.

I’d already said to my DC well only use one and keep another for their birthday treat (which we did solo!) so only planned to use a £50 voucher and I’d top up whatever over with some cash. We’d pre checked the menu and figured we could have a main each and a dessert with drinks and I’d maybe have to pay an extra £10/15 inc tip.

so as you could imagine I was pissed off.

they’d invited themselves along too which was fine I had no problem with that it was just the brazen belief I’d share what little I had with two FT working adults

True there is no one way to be Irish @NoLongerPembroke but there are certain traditions (the significant amount of cash in a wedding envelope for example) and cultural subtleties that the majority of posters on MN disregard.

There are posts I see where a poster for example is advised to send their bank details to settle up with someone for an amount less than £10. In a million years that would never happen in my circles. Never. I'm not saying it couldn't happen in other parts of Ireland btw, I've only lived in three counties here. I've lived and worked in multiple countries, you cannot underestimate the differences with local culture.

This was kind of my point, having to constantly stand up to this stuff is exhausting and it only deals with the symptoms - I don't end up paying for that one coffee or meal or hotel room. It's a death to the friendship by a thousand cuts having to be vigilant against it and not addressing the root problem which is why do you persistently try to take advantage of me?

Because you have poor boundaries and you let them.
I just don't get why you are still friends with someone like this?

Apologies @HellsCominWithMe I did not mean to imply you should have shared your voucher. They were CFs of the highest order.

Interesting. So I (and everyone else) is responsible for her constantly trying to take advantage?

What stops you behaving poorly? Your own moral compass or how much people around you will let you away with? Would you steal from an elderly family member for example just because they wouldn't notice?

Anyway thanks for answering her question but I'm planning on directing it to her as per the excellent advice of a poster above. This dynamic has existed for decades and I would like to hear her point of view instead of carrying around the irritation of it.

Oh I know you’re Ok 😊 any other time eg 20% off I would’ve as we’d all benefit iyswim. It was just the assumption despite BIL and sis knowing how and why I got it that voucher pissed me off.

Yes I queued up with my ds and dd for a gliding type ride and a whole load of teens pushed in as one had been holding their place, so annoying

I'm loving these stories thanks for the thread OP. (I'm ignoring the annoying posters who always crop up to have a go at the OP and bore us all with their smug attitude).

You're totally right OP it is exhausting having to strictly exert boundaries over someone who is determined to take advantage.

Just to be clear… does CF mean ’cunt face’ or ‘cow face’ or neither 🤭

Cheeky fucker

Except your example of CF show you to be ineffectual with social situations. People will always try to take advantage to suit themselves, you've got to be your own ambassador and say when it's encroaching on your own boundaries!

Of course I wouldn't steal from an elderly relative but some people do.
The point is you are in control of your behaviour and she hers.
Your lack of boundaries means she constantly steps over, again and again.
Allowing her to constantly get away with her poor behaviours means she keeps doing it , she reads this as YES, go ahead.

By not saying no to her or even better dropping her, why wouldyou associate with someone who has such poor morals, the dynamic continues.
Why do you want this person in your life?

I am somewhat fortunate to have had years of experience with an exceptionally hardnosed CF - always have to look on the bright side, as I can now spot one a mile away. It was exhausting to fend off and anticipate what she might do - totally know what you're describing, OP. At the start, I agreed to supervise her child as it wasn't extra work for me but then she wouldn't pick up on time and I was left in the parking lot with the choice of waiting there or taking her to mine at dinner/homework/bedtime. She used to hook her child into the plan, getting her to ask mine what our schedule was for the upcoming sports season, so that she could suggest drive sharing (and then cancel at the last minute, leaving me to do it). She was always shocked when she realized we'd made a different plan (diff start and end times than she'd been given by her daughter's intel). Mine were trained to say we were doing something after sessions, not going home. She trained her daughter well in CF technique as it's more difficult to say no to a child, especially when they're left unaccompanied with no ride home. Our family also did thousands of hours of volunteering that her child benefitted from - she did none as she was "too busy". Not surprisingly, I never heard a thank you. When I've done favours for friends, there's always thanks and/or reciprocation - not really necessary but appreciated as it's for friends, not CF's.

A 2nd CF came along in the same sport, but she was no match for the original. I could sense her coming and had responses ready, mostly "that won't work for me". No specific reasons as that gives CF's a foothold. I am now well trained to sense a CF approach and have taught my children to say 'let me think about that and get back to you" as a response to almost any request. And to pay attention to the feeling they have about requests and doing favours.

Good luck, OP. Highly manipulative CF's require ongoing defensive tactics as they often don't respond to blunt rejections or create explosive drama. Protect yourself and listen to your gut.

You're totally right OP it is exhausting having to strictly exert boundaries over someone who is determined to take advantage

This is the point someone who has healthy boundaries would step away.

Your CF sounds incredibly manipulative OP! And I don't believe for a second that certain posters would say things like "‘Please go away, XX, you’ve been following me around for hours!". You're at a social event, surrounded by friends, and you don't want to make things awkward for your host. That's what these people count on (as has been said).

😂😂 so I was completely wrong then !!

thanks for the heads up xx

Sure lve told this one before on here.
Went on holiday abroad with three female colleagues.
DH drove all three with me and all our luggage from their respective front doors to the aitport and had volunteered do same on our return home. Taxis etc would've been at least a few hundred quid for the two way trip.
On way back to the airport on coach travel rep advised if in a group the airport would count excess baggage collectively so to avoid charges if you wanted your luggage was not in excess then check in separately from your group.
CF in group had our tickets etc as she had booked everything and said we would just sort it out dont worry. I had no excess but she and other two had been buying shoes/bags/ bottles of stuff etc off markets all week .I otoh had been throwing away empty toiletries etc so was lighter than outward journey.
Gets to check in and we were about £80 overweight collectively. CF turns round and demands £20 each. I politely explain as above that none of excess was mine and also l only had a few pounds
but she insisted it was all our excess charge because check in said so (check in woman actually meant it was a collective charge as advised on coach). I paid the fiver or so ,all l had in cash and other two and CF paid an extra £5 . Other two were fine and agreed it wasn't my excess.
Cue much shouting and flouncing by CF and other two (too scared go against her apparently) went off with her leaving me alone in a foreign airport six hours till our flight. CFs parting shot was 'You owe me £5!! '
I rang DH very upset and told him what had happened , he was furious and said don't worry will see you later.
Got to airport this end (flight was awkward , queen bitch/cf not speaking to me) and DH was waiting as promised for us.
Walked towards me, hugged me, said hello to other two, pulled a fiver out his pocket gave it to CF and said 'theres your fiver and the taxi ranks over there' .

OP I’d be interested in how your CF ‘friend’ knows the couple who host you all… is she invited through you or does she know them independently? I bet everyone’s noticed what she does and moans about it.

I wouldn't implicate others.. but I would say 'I've noticed you attempting the same with other people'.

I'd also tell some of them you've had enough and intend to do this, as a heads up that flack may fly (would certainly be fine in MY friendship group but may be not yours, I dunno).

Mine is a tale of one scruffy, feckless child whose silly boyfriend with his equally silly parents, signed up to something out of desperation...and a fight against multimillion quid (probably) professional CF's and the C there is not cheeky.

Anyone recall a company called Skillstrain - they've been called other things, Scheidegger, Skills Train, probably more, good tactic that, close the company, start another with a similar name.

Anyway... boyfriend out of work, has moved in with me, everyones horribly poor and sad and depressed etc etc, its 1995, he goes to a work fair type thing.

Gets the details of a company that provide a variety of home based training that will DEFINITELY result in a job earning 25K.

Now I smelt a rat immediately but he didn't, he wouldn't listen and his parents who I didn't know well enough at that point to shout at, also fell for it.

A slimey salesman came round and sold him this huge lie... the basic premise is, they will provide you up to date, fantastic industry standard IT training, which would definitely net you a fantastic job. Work at your own pace, all lovely and how fantastic we work with a company thats pre-approved you for a loan if you sign up right now (guaranteed by his parents as we've nary a pot to piss in).

I asked if it was covered by a cooling off period, oh yes he says, 14 days in which to change your mind, super safe of course.

14 days later, course material hasn't arrived. Of course it hasn't.

Three months later, the course material HAS arrived, its horribly out of date, IT has changed dramatically in the areas this course is covering, the course material is ridiculous... cardboard cut outs of computer innards with velcro-on pieces to show you know what goes where is the 'practical hands on training'.

But we can't cancel, because we now owe them 3.5K... we should have cancelled in the first 14 days if we didnt like the course content... blah blah.

Another month, you cannot work through the course at your own pace as the tutors do not mark work often, and feedback is pretty much nil. At this point it is clear that even if the course content was valid, you wouldn't finish in their time frame and would need to borrow more money.

I had enough. I went through their course material with the finest of fine tooth combs.

I picked out 18 pages of errors, incorrect information, out of date, pictures and diagrams marked as one thing that are something else entirely.

I discovered that the organisations, brand names, big biz they say approve their courses actually have nothing to do with them, haven't heard of them or indeed HAVE and had already told them to remove their logos and stop using them as a selling point.

I find a whole raft of people online furious, trapped into debt, with Skillstrain saying well its not our fault, its the finance company, nothing to do with us you can't have a refund, you took a loan out with them, not us...

I said 'but you have the money ... you pay it back to the loan company.' Oh no, they couldn't do that...

Yeah.

I sent my detailed letter, outlining the myriad ways in which they had not fulfilled the contract we had with them.

I sent it recorded delivery to the training providers address, and to the finance companies PO Box.

Whaddya know, same company, both letters signed for with the same company stamp and personal signature.

A quick rummage in companies house and lo and behold... both companies have same directors too!

How funny. I asked them about this on the phone, 'You must be mistaken Madam...' I said I had photo evidence of both items recieved with the same time stamp, same Schiedegger stamp, same 'Trevor' scribbled on it.... hung up on me.

Long story short after multiple aggressive phone calls, which I dealt with (told them they were dealing with me, not the boy) and nasty letters threatening to take my house (good luck it is the councils) blah blah etc..

I finally had a phone call and then follow up letter stating if we sent back the course material and never spoke of them again they would cancel the debt.

I got conformation of the debt being written off... never did uphold my end of the bargain though. Fuck 'em.

I now know a lot of people didn't have a successful outcome and had to pay, or were indeed taken to court and got CCJ's for not paying. I bet they're still out there, scamming the desperate and vulnerable :(

But I won.

@Justsaynonow was there a thread about that CF mother at one point? I remember a big falling out because you stopped driving the opposite direction to collect them and take her daughter to the sport.

If you believed your luggage luggage was not in excess ...that shouldve said.

@WiddlinDiddlin that story upsets me. Some scam artists caught my mother; she innocently filled in some form agreeing to be included in a free professional directory. The directory was on CD it turned out! Then the bills started coming, she paid the first one and said she wouldn't renew. Not possible, print so small she hadn't been able to make it out. I searched online and saw some people were paying these for years as they were so petrified by the legal threats and the amount would multiply every time you paid. Preying purely on the vulnerable. She was in a wild panic by the time I took over, I'd joined solidarity forums where people all over the world were posting photos of their stacked up unopened threatening letters. Not one case ever made it to court, they were bullies.

I made her promise she wouldn't open them, just put them to one side and I'd deal with them. I put them straight in the bin but didn't tell her.

@Bahhhhhumbug I'm a little in love with your husband