My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

Its really common in abusive families to portray one parent as the abuser and the other as the victim. Its a convenient way to use the 'innocent' parent to control and manipulate the children, and its a way of minimising the 'innocent' parents role.

You are not responsible for your parents. When you grow up and leave, you are entitled to do what you need to keep yourself and your children safe.

Sorry OP its tough but I have complex PTSD or complex trauma as its known now as a result of my abusive father.
She did nothing to protect me, nothing.
She wasn't abused by him but she chose her comfortable well off life with him and so ignored all the abuse.
I don't see either of them any more, I occasionally speak to my mother on email but thats it.
She asked me to come for xmas for some reason but there is no way I'm ever going back there. She has lost her daughter. I hope she enjoys the money and nice clothes because that's all she's got now.

I remember your post from last year. Your father showing the videos was just awful.

Do not give him any power in this situation. I’m pleased to see that you’re not going but you need to also be firm with your mum and please don’t give the impression that this has been a difficult decision for you as he will love it.

I’m glad that you have your own lovely family protecting you.

Okay so Christmas for me as a young child would mean for one day a year we would try and be a normal, happy 'family' without anyone being hurt.

It was an amnesty of sorts with everyone doing their best to keep things 'nice' and it was like balancing on the most fragile eggshells, doing our level best to avoid a detonation.

Dad would try and be a Dad, and put toys together and watch us open presents. He would at least try.
So it came to mean everything to me, because the rest of the year he was either hitting me, berating me or not at home. The 'not at home' was the best option by far. But for that one day a year at Christmas I could have the fairytale. I could be a loved daughter and someone that mattered. It usually didn't last beyond late morning, and we would be lucky to get to Christmas lunch before he would start to scream and shout or worse, or throw toys at my head or make me cower and we would sometimes choke back our tears forcing down Christmas lunch with noddy holder in the background, and watch my mother work her way steadily through the wine, before she would blow with anger and drunkenness. The evening was sometimes spent holding her hair by the toilet as she vomited, and rubbing her back for hours whilst she cried that it was another year ruined. It was the one day there was actual hope.

So over the years Christmas became this delicate, fragile construct of hope. A day that I always hoped and prayed there might be love and kindness. For one day I could pretend I was loved and it was all okay.

That is why Christmas means too much to me. Even now.
And there is still flickers of the same hope, that it will one day come good.
I know it won't. But there it is.

Thank goodness you have decided not to change your plans. Your ‘d’m has just sat back, and enabled your father to abuse you all your life. You owe her* absolutely NOTHING! *

You have gone further than she deserves, by inviting her to go on holiday with you, however she would rather guilt you into doing what she wants you to do. She would rather that you cancel your holiday and make your and your dc’s Christmas miserable, as well as putting your mental health at risk. That is not the actions of someone who purports to love you, that is the actions of the weak, self-serving enabler, that she is!

Continue the nc with your father, and if your ‘d’m continues to guilt trip you like this, go nc with her as well! Remember that you, dh and your dc’s are the important ones, both in this situation and going forward.

I have been nc with my parents since January 2019, after endless cycles of emotional abuse. In my case, my mother is the narcissist and my father is her enabler - something it's taken me a long time to realise.

Have you considered that by putting yourself back into these awful situations - however good your reasons - you are in some way enabling her? If you set boundaries and maintain them, she has a choice of whether to stay or go; if you keep rescuing her, then what reason does she have to change the status quo?

For what it's worth, I completely understand how hard it is to recognise the FOG and change the narrative - my children were one of the main drivers and you should be proud of yourself for making the changes you have done so far. It's a difficult and ongoing process.

The good news is that the maladaptive coping strategies we develop due to childhood CPTSD can be changed, we can heal. It does take work, but it absolutely can be done - and it is never too late.

I know I need to put my own children first. And I have been doing so for many years.

You also need to put yourself first.

It means for me this is really painful and a hard and difficult decision to make.

Everyone else who has posted on this thread has the clarity of being distant from the emotional involvement here, and the obvious answer is do not be guilt tripped into having another miserable Christmas. It isn’t fair on you and it isn’t fair on your DC. If you can’t do it for yourself then do it for your children.

As an aside why didn’t your DH challenge your dad when he played these videos? My husband would have gone apeshit and wouldn’t have cared how much he upset the perpetrator.

Don’t let your father win this one, and repeat this to yourself if you feel yourself wavering.

Your mum has the option of seeing you for Christmas and SHE is choosing not to.

The fact that your father is awful may seem like the crux of the matter, but it's actually not necessarily the issue. You've got a classic MN Christmas dilemma:

Your mum wants one thing
Everyone else in the family wants other things
You have offered your mum a compromise
She has turned that down and is holding out for her preference despite knowing that doesn't work for you or your family

The details and reasons are different, but this scenario plays out in families all over the world.

I think I remember your earlier threads. You don't owe your parents the Christmas of their choice. Look after yourself and your family

RampantIvy
I know I need to put my own children first. And I have been doing so for many years.
You also need to put yourself first.

I agree. OP you need to come first. Remember the analogy of oxygen masks on a plane- whose mask needs to go on first? The mother or the child?

I remember your post last year. Please please please do not buckle this year. As you've said, if you get through this one it will get easier.

She has chosen to stay with him. She has chosen not to protect anyone else from his abusive behaviour.

You can’t then put her feeling above your own when she’s the only one who can change the situation.

Your DH is right. Other posters are right. No way should you cancel your plans, especially as you have given your DM the option to join you. It’s just ONE day of the year. She is with him the other 364 days or the year, so how different is Christmas Day really, except for the hype? Sounds like if you cave in and have Christmas with your abusive DF you’ll ruin the whole day for yourself, your DH and your children. Try to put aside your failings of guilt over your DM or you’ll feel even worse for spoiling it for your family and giving your DF continued power over you.

Yes I remember your wonderful posts and how supportive they are. I am working on it! Believe me, I am working on it. I accept entirely what you are saying. By putting my mother first, I am allowing my own children to be abused. This is hard to swallow, but totally true. Which is why we won't be going. Thank you for posting. I think I needed to hear all of these replies to find the resolve I was looking for.

Does your DM have any other family, siblings she can see/go to over Christmas?

I don't know how your sister can bear to be with them. I know you say he treats her DC better as they are boys, but I assume he isn't particularly pleasant to your mum and sister when they are there.

I am so sorry your parents treated you like this. You should not have had to stay with your parents

You don't have to do anything. Your mother is a grown adult and perfectly capable of making her own alternative plans.

She could whizz off alone.
She could visit a friend
She could spend xmas volunteering at a shelter , making xmas for people worse off than herself.
Or she could be one of the charity recipients at the local shelter xmas lunch.

None of that is your problem or your responsibility. Being the daughter of a drama queen is a warning not to follow in her footsteps.

I think you're doing brilliantly. Drifting away from awful family members and their enablers is a much longer process than people realise. There's rarely a dramatic single moment like in films is there... just a series of sad and bleak steps, some of them backwards.

You're doing the right thing and I wish I could say something to help ease the hurt but I can't. It just feels shit. It will feel good and right eventually, but this is a tough Christmas and my heart goes out to you.

Your update is really heartbreaking OP. I’m so sorry

Do not change your plans. Do not fuck up your children’s Christmas for your mother, who is a grown adult and could have left her arse husband by now.

Typo - feelings of guilt not failings of guilt! You are not failing in any way, you are doing the best you can!

"There is no way dm would come with us"

I am lost at this part.

Can someone interpret "dm" for me?

Thanks.

OP that update has made me cry.

OP you do not need to save your mother. It was wrong of her to put that burden on you in the first place. You were a child. You were their prisoner. You were powerless and you needed protection and she wasn't there for you.

Have you ever had talking therapy?

It would be helpful to dig down deep enough to get angry at your mother for what she did. She is just as guilty as F because she was an adult, she stood by and watched it all happen and did not protect you. She still isn't protecting you now, given the earlier update about playing the video while she goes and tidies and pretends it's not happening.

She is an abuser too. She does not deserve your concern or your kindness.

I am so sorry. Please continue breaking free and leave FOO to their own horrible mess, you deserve a wonderful life free of it all.

DM = dear mother

Your last post is so heartbreaking OP. The dream of a perfect Christmas that never can be (with your parents at least). Don't even let her come away with you this year. She sounds toxic in her own right. Go with DH and DC and have a lovely time far away. Don't even stay in contact via phone. She has chosen to stay with your DF and plenty of people have Christmas alone with their other half. Their choice. If she does not like it she can volunteer to give Christmas lunch at a homeless charity. You will have the best Christmas ever without the usual stresses, doing it your way with your own lovely family.