My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

You offered to take her- job done. She’s said no, she will have a strop, try to manipulate you and get you to change plans. Don’t. It’s only one day and come Boxing Day she will then see family.

On some level I know if I can break the cycle this year, I will be able to more freely manage next year and the one after

That's exactly the point, OP, though it's also exactly why they'll pull out all the stops to prevent this happening

I really would urge you to talk with DH and discuss how you'd handle a call just as you're ready to leave, claiming DM's had "a suspected stroke" or whatever - as you'll probably have gathered I'm posting from experience here, and rather than being surprised if it happened I'd be more surprised if it didn't

I've been there. The first time you suit yourself at Christmas is hard but it gets easier over the years. Your children come first and that's that.

I voted YABU if you change your plans for that abusive man. But I see you have resolved not to go. Bravo! It musy be so hard to make that decision. But it is the right one. Sadly your mother is now reeping the ills of not protecting you all those years ago and even last year.
I am glad your children have you on their side. Stay strong.

Your mum has chosen this life. Don't change your plans for them. She is seeing family on the 26th evening which is fine.
Part of the abuse is the fact that you and your sister are feeling guilty when your mum could make a choice that would make her children and grandchildren's lives better. I know that she's a victim too but I speak as a survivor or abuse when I say that protecting my kids from abuse and being tainted by the abuse (in other words killing the cycle) is the most powerful thing that I've ever done and worth the financial consequences, tears, torment and guilt that I carry.

@autienotnaughty the mother is not a victim, she is an abuser. Educate yourself in abusive dynamics before making up shit. The woman wakes up every day for decades and chooses a child abuser, and abuses in her own vile ways, too.

Xmas could be tremendously triggering for you due previous childhood trauma if you were to spend it in the same house as your Dad and your mother expecting you to do so is a red flag.

Why should you and your kids suffer a rotton xmas? I would not feel an ounce of guilt and neither should you and don't let her make you feel bad because its your kids' xmas too.

I suspect she's manipulating you.

You were second choice, why do you need to do anything? Just dodge calls for a few weeks until they get over it.

You are your mother’s human shield. She happily shoved you between yourself and your father in order to make life easier for herself.

Please listen to your husband and your children here. It looks like you have broken the cycle here and managed to marry a good man and raise children with healthy boundaries. Let them lead the way here.

The best thing about breaking the cycle is that if you can keep it broken for your children’s childhood then it is broken forever. My mum came from toxic parents, who came from toxic parents, who came from…..

I feel so sad for you. Your dad sounds genuinely evil and none of this is your fault (or responsibility). Stand firm and put yourself first. It will get easier and brighter days are coming.

And you're breaking the cycle. Stand firm.

Being a victim does not exonerate your for the abuse you are passively heaping on your child.

It does not exonerate you from standing by when your husband cruelly goads your adult child about her eating disorder, prompting a relapse.

It does not exonerate you from witnessing that, knowing how precarious struggles with food issues are for your adult child that even seeing your husband could make them terribly unwell again - but then insisting that your adult child complies with your batshit demands anyway.

Sure - the mother is a victim here.
She is also a perpetrator, & I don't think anybody should be taking the kind of stance you have here @autienotnaughty - OP has enough difficulty managing the misplaced guilt her mother forces on her, without PP piling on in defence of this enabling, manipulative, emotional terorrist of a woman.

Your mum should be wailing and screaming at her husband as its his fault they are alone at Christmas. I bet she won't as its easier to go on at you.

She sounds awful.

Sorry - half my message disappeared there.

The end was….

But my mum was not toxic. She was great. And now me and my brother are good parents too.

She’s a victim to her husband.

However, she’s an abuser of her children. That makes her well worthy of the harshness she has received.

It's 1 day 🙄 I'm sure she'll manage. Why change your own family's planned and spoil your own Christmas? What they do at Christmas isn't your problem, enjoy time with your own family they should be your priority. It's ridiculous she expects you to have your Christmas revolve around her, why can't they plan something else themselves? If spending Christmas with just her husband is such a chore and he's that awful she could divorce him?

She turned down the chance to go with you. Is she always this manipulative?

I had a similar situation growing up so I really get the need for the perfect Christmas, but your mother will have him, as she chose. She has repeatedly chosen him over you with her inaction and pretending nothing is wrong. You have already said you felt you had to parent her.

The honest truth is that it is a rubbish situation but they will never be the parents you want. There will be no light bulb moment for him and sounds unlikely for her too.

I have every sympathy for abused women and of course you need to protect your kids, but you need to look after yourself too. Your kids need you and letting him back into your life is damaging which has a knock on effect to your home life. You have done nothing wrong, it isn't your fault. Both of them failed you. Time to step away and look after your family.

Final comment, I would be as worried about the message your mum is giving your kids by normalising and accepting his behaviour.

OP I really feel for you. The FOG just oozes out of your posts around wanting to protect your Mum and save her. It's understandable, but not best for you.

Are you able to access any help with processing this?

OP please do some research into codependancy and CPTSD.

You were let down as a child, and as an adult your emotional well being is overly dependant on the happiness of others.
Your mother may have been a victim, but she had more choices than you did when you were growing up- and the end result was the same, whether she was complicit or a frozen bystander.

Others are right on this thread- it is not too late to break the cycle.

Christmas is always tough because of this idea that no matter what else is going on or has gone on we should all enjoy this magical family day, filled with joy and happiness. But for so many people that’s not the reality, and trying to force it only leads to heartache and sadness. It’s great you are seeing that this is the right time to truly break free and to focus on your lovely family and enjoying it with them. I think you should definitely come up with a plan to avoid the wailing and guilt tripping. The fact you know it will happen is all the more reason to stand firm.

Not only that, to celebrate your xmas with your husband and children who all clearly adore you and who you adore right back. That’s pretty special and shows your strength and heart. Put your mother out of your mind as much as you can this xmas and focus instead on this wonderful family you have created against the odds.

Do not cancel anything! This is not your responsibility and you are under no obligation to see either of your parents.

I remember your shocking posts of earlier this year, your childrens distress at witnessing this.

You poor woman.

You are still in the grips of his abuse and your family are too.

Are you in therapy?
You need to be.

If you were posting about your husband I would be suggesting you leave him and take your children with you to get away from his abusive father, and protect your children.

I mean this very very kindly, but you bringing your children to your fathers house to witness his behaviour, is abusing your children IMO.

So what if you have some vision of how you want Christmas to look like, that doesn't give you the right to drag your children into the home of a toxic poisonous man to witness him abusing you.

You are very wrong.

You were wrong last year, you are wrong this year.

Your husband needs to protect his children from your family and YOU too, if you consider putting your children in this position EVER AGAIN.

He is trying to do that by booking holidays.

I feel very sorry for him.

I feel very sorry for you too, and I don't mean to be harsh, but you cannot be allowed to abuse your children because of Fear Obligation Guilt to your abusive parents.

Your husband is correct.
This is the consequence of staying witj an abusive man.

You cannot be allowed to sacrifice your children again at the alter of your poisonous father and his toxic marriage.

Please seek help asap so that you can see this.

Your MH does not trump your childrens well being.

Your mothers trumped yours and look how damaged that has left you.

Please seek help so that your childrens future is not impacted any more than it is.

I really wish you strength and bravery.

You’re absolutely doing the right thing @Venetiaparties

if I were your dh I wouldn’t even be entertaining discussion of cancelling the holiday so he’s very patient!

hope you all have a lovely time

Your dh and dc will be proud of you OP.
Your dm has the opportunity to spend Christmas with you away from her dh.
She has to decide what she wants to do.
Your sister is right though, she cannot always step in to ease your misplaced guilt.