My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

Also, is NC - non-contactable? non-communicative? or something more sinister?

Thanks in advance.

I find the abbreviations pretty confusing, as they break up the narrative.

Stick to your guns OP and on Xmas Day give your phone to DH. Good luck.

Like many others on this thread, I'm speaking from experience, which is why I want to try and pick apart this:

'dad would try and be a dad.'

No, OP. NO.

He made a conscious, proactive choice to behave a certain way, and he did it IN ORDER TO CONVINCE YOU THINGS WERE GOING TO BE ALRIGHT SO HE COULD BLOW IT UP IN YOUR FACE LATER. I have been there and done that and got that t-shirt. Our christmases were similarly awful. It would be fine in the morning, and just as you relaxed and thought yes, we're going to have a good day, he'd turn on us. We hadn't appreciated our presents well enough. We hadn't given him good enough presents. We'd pulled a slight face when he'd started eating the sweets we'd been given. We were ungrateful shits who were ruining his life, and he couldn't even have a good christmas because of it.

The christmas morning 'trying to be a dad' was just as manipulative as everything else. It wasn't him being a good dad. It wasn't him trying. It was a trick. It was a lie. Abusers keep victims in place by giving them breadcrumbs of hope. It's a method of control. And it's still working, even now, because a part of you is terrified of what will happen if you don't go at christmas, and so you're dangerously close to telling yourself that maybe it is OK to go, because it might be OK this time, despite all evidence to the contrary, and because a painful christmas is routine and familiar and a hard habit to break. That's why your OH wants to be abroad, because he can see what's coming.

But you can have a perfect family christmas. It's in reach. You can build your own from scratch with the family you made for yourself, your children.

KAYMACK this isn't the thread for you to get the hang of Mumsnet on.

NC = no contact @KAYMACK

This year is for you and for your family.
It is perfectly reasonable for you to go ahead and dedicate it to yourselves.

Separating yourself from your parents is always going to be difficult. You have been managed to see yourself as bound to them beyond the ways required of any daughter.

Your mother has chosen to stay with your father (this Christmas but also throughout your childhood... just think about whether you would stay with someone who did those things to your children). It was lovely of you to give her an option to go with you. Her choice to stay does not obligate you in any way.

It is loving of you to stay in touch with her over the years -despite her failure to protect and parent you in the past. However, you are not responsible for your mother's happiness.

You are responsible for the happiness/well-being of your children and perhaps also your DH.

You said yourself the messaging around Christmas and family is painful for you, it doesn't take a trained psychotherapist to suggest that this is one of the times where you are forced to face the fact that your family life just wasn't like that and was so far removed from it, that it's had a lifelong impact on you. And the messages are everywhere, you can't escape them. That has to hurt, and while the rest of the year the messaging we see about family life is a lot more muted, over Christmas there is an expectation of family life being perfect and happy and all that. Of course we all know that no one's family life is really like in the adverts, but for someone like you, who had such a great deal of mixed up emotions over your family, your parents, your own experiences, and wanting to protect your children and give them what you didn't have, then it's bound to be messy and painful. Your mum is adding to that by laying her upset on you, effectively giving you her distress to hold as well as your own.

I think you're right that getting through this year and sticking to your boundaries will make future years easier. And I also think your response to your sister is spot on, she's under no obligation to have them every year, and she shouldn't feel guilt that on the years she doesn't, they will be on their own. Just beware that she may be in a different place to you, and might try and manipulate you to act to alleviate guilt that she might be feeling on that. Again, not your burden to carry.

A previous poster said that you are going to feel guilt and pain over Christmas, and I think she is right. But I think it's important to know that those feelings are just feelings. Accept they are there, sit with them a bit of you feel you can, acknowledge they exist. But don't let them own you. You might benefit from therapy, cbt perhaps, or something called acceptance and commitment therapy, to help you manage how you're feeling.

And in the meantime, don't try too hard to hide that it's tough for you. I get putting on a brave face for the kids, and there's a limot to what young people need to know. But lean on the adults in your life who do love you and care for you. Let them support you when you feel crap.

She’s an adult, mentally capable?
In which case, she made the decision to stay with a man who abused her child, she knew that came with consequences and she must live with them.
This isn’t on you (or your sister). Frankly, I’d have nothing to do with her, either. What kind of mother stays with a man who abused her child?

Perhaps try and see this in a positive light.

If Having to spend Christmas alone with him causes your mum such distress, then this may be the impetus to get her to do something about him.

If you cancel your plans, you are shielding her from the consequences of her own (in)actions.

depending on your finances, you could offer her money for therapy, or to go away on her own etc. perhaps she could come to you solo and you have a sort of Christmas Day together.

She needs to take control of her own life and not rely on you to bail her out. And I say this as a mother with an adult Dd. I am divorcing and I know I am starting to rely on my Dd too much. It is very hard to escape a lifetime of bullying.

If she would rather be on her own than with her husband, she could easily get some dog/cat sitting work (it’s not paid) on TrustedHousesitters.

I'm afraid the poster who said that you are the human shield between your dad and your mum was absolutely right.

Your husband sounds amazing and your children do, too. Go on that trip away and do the same every single year so that you don't cave in.

@KAYMACK I'm glad you've got your priorities right here. OP is clearly having a shit time of things in a very traumatic situation, but she should take care not to use standard-for-MN abbreviations and ensure her posts are easily read by you. Maybe she can do without your input

But the Christmas you dreamt of as a child is still there. Just not with your parents. It's with your DH and your DC (and your friends).

This is your chance to make your own wonderful memories with YOUR children and YOUR DH. It's the chance to begin your own traditions that your children will pass down to theirs.

And it's the chance to put the message out that that Venetiaparties has changed. She is not going to allow anyone to put her children through what she went through. You did that last year when you all walked out. That was the start of the 'don't mess with my kids or my family' coming through. You did (and are doing) what your mum failed to do. You are putting your children above an abuser. Keep them there.

By doing this you're sending out the message that your dad just isn't important anymore. The only way he can hurt you or your family now is if you see him. Don't see him. What your mum does about that is entirely up to her. She needs to decide which side of the line she is on and stop using you as a barricade against him. Her choice, not yours. Your choice is to give your DH and DCs a precious Christmas. Do it and enjoy every minute and I agree - don't contact your DM over the holiday. Leave a message then ignore. You've done your bit.

Have a lovely break, enjoy your family and your friends and forget the rest. Leave the guilt firmly behind.

You never had a lovely Christmas, because it always ended up the same way.
This is your chance to create that lovely happy Christmas of your dreams with your DH and DC. But your DPs cant be part of that - through their own actions.

she has apologised for her part in our childhood. More than once
Apologies are empty & meaningless if they still continue with the same behaviour - and she has. Only last year she walked away leaving you to be attacked rather than step in to defend you. This year she wants you there so that when he decides to attack, more than likely it would be you he attacks. Think on that.

As an exercise, consider if your DH was as cruel to your DC as your dad was to his. Consider how you'd feel if you failed to step in to protect your DC from him once. Then imagine a whole childhood of it for them. Imagine you got so immune, you walked away humming to clean another room leaving your DC to be abused. Remember how tiny you were - I'm guessing it's some of your earliest memories, right? Imagine what kind of person leaves their little one to be abused time and time again. Apology my arse. If she was truly sorry, you wouldn't be writing here, nor would you have written last year either.

You always were her shield. She's having a melt down because finally HER choices have come back to bite HER on the arse, not you.

Your Mum feels strongly enough about your father that she's married to him; it should be a joy to spend Christmas with her beloved spouse, no? If someone can't bear to spend Christmas Day with their spouse then they should be waiting in line outside the local solicitors in January.

Your DH and DC are perfectly sensible; you are too, despite the turbulent feelings you have surrounding the situation.

Your Dad is clearly a damaged person (shitty childhood?) and isn't able to NOT be a shit, sadly. If he gets to practice that some more (because you're around to be horrible to) do you think
a) he will be magically less likely to be a shit thereafter or
b) more likely as the behaviour gets just that little bit more entrenched?
Who benefits if more people are around for him to be nasty to? I cannot see that ANYONE does.

I really feel for you OP, my parents were the other way round and I really understand the guilt you feel and the POWER they both still have over you. It is hard to accept that a parent that can't find the strength to defend you from the other parent is equally in the wrong. It is hard to let go the role of being a parent to a parent as it does make you feel needed and important, and good.

Well done so much for the physical NC with DF for so long, this is the first step! Now to address the power their opinions and feelings still have over you even when they're not in the room...

Instead of booking future holidays, personally I would strongly suggest using this money for counselling, every week, for a whole year. I finally (aged 35!) managed to do a whole year of weekly counselling and got everything out, said everything from my point of view, got used to not censoring my thoughts and true feelings from the excessive FOG. Year 2 I went fortnightly, year 3 monthly, then twice phone calls in Covid year, and then thank goodness I felt strong enough to protect myself on my own, and chatting to friends and DH.

Even so, I STILL don't allow myself to be alone with DM. But now I don't have to be NC as she doesn't hold the same power over me at all, a huge burden has been lifted throughout my whole life and I have so much more energy and headspace.

I'm not saying you will find the same peace with your DH as he sounds much much worse and very very damaging. But please, please, please do find a therapist that you get on with (don't stick with one you don't feel comfortable with, I was on my 5th over a decade of trying!).

The very fact that the last contact with your DF brought back disordered eating and your DM did not protect you AGAIN chills me to the bone. You need help to drop the baggage you've been carrying for years. Please look into counselling and dedicate the next 5 years of your life to helping yourself.

It is hard, but I promise you the outcome is so, so wonderful. Sending you my very best wishes OP.

Your mother can't dictate to the rest of the family how to spend their Christmas. She's going to have to bite the bullet and prepare to spend Christmas virtually alone, as many people do. So lots of nice buffet type food, lovely drinks, a couple of decent films on telly perhaps? Grumpy old man might even join in and enjoy himself. If he doesn't tough on him.

Don't be blackmailed into giving up your holiday because of your mother's tears.

@KAYMACK www.mumsnet.com/i/acronyms

Now stop derailing an incredibly sensitive thread.

100%

I see that now. It was false sense of security in the morning, that he was maybe in a good mood and we would at last have a Christmas like the ones we saw on TV. The ones other children had, with cuddles and loving parents and grandparents and SAFETY, and people that were not totally losing their shit because there is too much wrapping paper on the floor, or the turkey was taking too long.

It was actually worse if the gps came for lunch, which was rare, because the idea of them seeing our actual family Christmas was really worrying. I feared for what would happen if they saw my dad as he is, rather than the facade he usually wheeled out.

I think I need more therapy !!

A pity your dad is not in prison where he should be, then there would not be any real issue that could not be overcome. In no way do I blame you though for not involving the police so justice is done.

@Pashazade has a sensible suggestion.

OP your 12.33 update has made me cry.

I'm so heartbroken for all the lost years you had with your 'parents'. I'm sorry but both your 'parents' are toxic and you need to avoid, especially at this time of year. What sick fucking bastard (sorry, not sorry) deliberately shows videos to their grandchildren of their poor Mum, suffering with an ED as a child?! That's sick. Your 'mother' has had opportunities I'm sure, in the past, to leave your 'father' but has chosen not to for whatever reasons. Those reasons are not for you to step in and manage everything for her. When you stop enabling her to ruin your life, then you can move on.

Don't let them anywhere near you or your children ever again. Don't ever give up your dream of your lovely family Christmas with your DH (who sounds supportive) and your lovely children.

It really is one day, she isn’t on her own, she is with her husband. She could go alone to others but chooses not to. Presumably she could make plans with friends and isn’t doing that either.
If you are certain you don’t want to spend Christmas with your father, then decision made.

OP, I think you’re incredibly brave. You are breaking the cycle and protecting your children. The time will come when you can process your mother’s (and I think to some extent your sister’s) part in enabling and minimising your awful experiences but that time is not now.

I don’t see how your mother is remotely sorry, being as she still expects her abused daughters to shield her from her abusive husband. If she can’t handle him, why does she expect the pair of you to handle him?

I too remember your posts last year, we're all behind you.

Don't look back. this is the year you take control

I could have wrote your posts OP, it’s so incredibly similar to what my situation was.

I don’t believe your mum is innocent and deserves your kindness and guilt though. She let your father abuse you. She had a duty to look after you. She should have got you and your sister far away and she failed. And she’s still failing you now.

With my own situation, I too thought my mum was a victim of my father and she very much let us think that. On the surface it looked that way, he treated her badly.

Things came to a head when me and my sibling had long moved out. My mum finally left my dad. This was apparently everything she wanted. She’d spent our childhood telling us all the reasons she couldn’t leave, made us feel she was on our side. She had no choice but to let the abuse happen, so she let us believe.

So when she finally left and he didn’t harass her like he had in the past when she’d made half arsed attempts to leave, we thought all the abuse was over. She was free, financially independent and had the support of her children in any way she needed. We expected it to take time but life could be great.

But she went back. Her choice. All those years of believing she was as much a victim as we were, were a complete lie. So much happened. She eventually turned on us and is now quite the team with my father. They’ve moved away, re wrote history. She was as much an abuser as he was all those years really. She just pretended she wasn’t, being the victim allowed her to stay with someone that it was wrong to stay with. She manipulated us for years because she wanted to be with a man that caused so much damage. Her going back is confirming to me that she was ok with all the abuse, she actually wants to be with the man that did all those awful things to her children. That was extremely difficult to cope with. I got a lot of therapy which for me was really helpful. She’s managed to manipulate my sibling into having contact with her again but I’m done. No guilt.

Your mum chooses your stay. No doubt you would help her leave and she knows that. She has stood by and let him abuse you. She now has to face the consequences of her actions. She is extremely lucky that you have contact with her at all in my opinion. You may feel you put your kids and husband first, but this whole situation will be affecting you, and not just at Xmas. I’m a better person, better partner and better mum for removing both my parents from my life. It took me a long time to realise what needed doing.

Its up to you obviously, but you dad will still have control of you for as long as you keep seeing your mum under these circumstances. Personally, I’d give an ultimatum. Your mum leaves or you don’t see her. If she stays, its her choice. I hate men like our fathers but I have very little sympathy for women that behave like this. She’s let you down very badly. Yet you’re the one feeling torn.