My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

You need to continue showing greater respect to your children than your mother does to you. Go with your plans.

Don't ruin their Christmas because your mum is guilt tripping you. She probably did this throughout your childhood. You do not have to continue spending special times of the year with someone who makes you all miserable.

Your mother should not expect you to do this just to keep her company when she knows what an old bastard she is married to.

How does he even have videos of your eating disorder? He fucking recorded you in distress and a mental health breakdown?

And your mother, who will know all of this as well as you do, is trying to emotionally blackmail you into this being your Christmas.

Shes trying to bully you into this. She wants you to have to deal with this.

Remember that the next time she cries.

Your mum is a victim but she is also an enabler of his abuse and isn’t absolved from any guilt.

I know I know women in abusive situations do not behave as they normally would but tough shit. Honestly. Your behaviour, even if controlled, is not without consequences even when you’ve been offered a hand to do things differently.

this is the consequence. Your DH is right and you should listen to him on this.

You are putting your children first, like your mum should’ve , your sister is putting her own children first, like your mum should’ve.

this is now how it is.

I would continue with your plans. This will be a turning point for your mother in terms of what she wants. Perhaps for her a miserable Christmas alone will make her see you can put boundaries in place and she can sack off an abusive dick. Or she won’t.

but both you and Sister need to spend Xmas away from your abuser and his enabler.

Your sister will be back on Boxing day.
Christmas is only one day.
You cannot place yourself and your children in harm's way to placate, make things easier for your mum. Nor should she expect that from you, would you want any of your children to put themselves through discomfort/pain or risk to make yourself feel better for a day/ pretend that everything is Hunky Dory. No of course you wouldn't.
She has the option to join you if she feels that strongly about spending the day with her daughter and grandchildren. She takes it or leaves it. She cannot emotionally blackmail you into being exposed to your father's toxic behaviour.

My mother got up and left the room and became very busy tidying the kitchen and went outside to put the bin bags out etc, she said nothing.

I can see you've decided to stay with your plan and stay away - good for you, OP. Your children are lucky they have a mum who is prepared to do what it necessary to keep them happy and safe - even when it hurts her.

Your Mum has had a meltdown about this year, trying to guilt you into staying, despite knowing what you suffered last year. Even allowing for her being a victim of DV and coercive control and even forgiving her past mistakes, she is still making them: she is still trying to drag you and your family back into a scenario in which you are made miserable.

Thank goodness your children have a better mum than you had/have. You are absolutely right to prioritise them. As you should have been prioritised by your Mum.

Sounds like your mum is caught in the middle, but I can understand why you don't want to spend time with your dad. Does your mum have any friends she and your Dad could spend Christmas day with so she's not on her own with him?

Last year I bit the bullet, after being NC the year before to see my mum and make an effort to try and smooth things over for a few hours for her sake, and my father decided to play the old videos of my eating disorder on xmas eve despite me pleading with him to stop repeatedly.

@Venetiaparties Can’t believe what I have just read here.
What a vile , cruel, unpleasant, manipulative, torturing little man he is.

Your Mother is no better by being his Lieutenant.

Do not subject yourself to this danger ( of relapse) do not subject your children to this stress and toxic environment.

IF your mother were to leave, it’s different, but she’s chosen, as your wise husband has said, to remain with him.

Do not be guilt tripped, either, by sobbing phone calls on Christmas Day.

@Speedweed thats not OPs problem to figure out. Hopefully the abusers have no friends.

Well done for aiming to stand firm, OP, even while knowing your DF's sitting there like a spider waiting for the fly to forget the danger and entangle itself

Do be aware of all the usual pushbacks though, including a last minute, "catastrophic illness" on your DM's part to stop you going away and "deserting her"

These types don't give up their power willingly, and it's true your Christmas may be angst-ridden no matter what, but at least you can protect your own DH and DCs along with looking forward to better times for yourself as DF/DM come to terms with the new normal

I really feel for you. I do understand the complexities of this.

But you are absolutely being manipulated still. Your mum is crying down the phone, your dad is expecting you to buckle... etc. Disengage.

If you were to cancel your plan to go away (and cancel the plans of your husband and kids) then you send a very clear signal to them all that you will always return.
To truly break the cycle, you must put yourself and your kids first in a way that your parents have not been able to to. And of course, don't you or the kids go anywhere near an abuser. Your update where the kids were pleading with him to turn off the videos is awful. I'm glad you walked out. You sound so strong to have overcome it all, stay with that.

There's loads of churches and community centres doing Christmas Dinner so she can join one of them.

Get it that your DM is extremely vulnerable. Could your DM explore the volunteer route or even better book a night at a Premier Inn on the 26th or 27th and not tell him that you are away and just disappear to a safe space with a book and TV?

It's not your fault, OP, and it's not really your sister's fault either. Did she tell you her change of plans before or after you booked your trip.

Your mum is a grown woman. She doesn't have to spend time with her grumpy husband, but i realise it's difficult to break the chain. Don't rearrange your life for your mum though. It's not just Christmas it is all other times of the year. She needs to decide what to do.

I have read your posts. Your mother is a victim, but she is also an abuser. Lots of schools now have a rule that standing by and allowing bullying is treated the same as doing the bullying. And she's done that to her own children. When the abuse has damaged your whole life. She has made this decisions and damaged her children in the process. Now she has to live with them. You have the choice to make different decisions for your children.

Please enjoy your break with dh and dc, you deserve it. Your mother is in a co-dependent relationship with an abuser and while her mh might be fragile, she does have agency and choices. She chose him.
I'm so glad you got out and made a lovely family of your own.
You are not responsible for your mother. She will drag you down because of his influence over her.
Don't give in and allow him to spoil your Christmas break or anything else in your life.

I’m going to sound harsh here - but why the hell are you in contact with either of your horrid parents? Your mother is just as bad as your father because she enabled him to abuse you. The meltdown she had about being on her own at Christmas is emotional abuse. She did nothing to protect you from him last year so you know nothing has changed. She isn’t a safe or suitable person to be around your children as enabling abuse is as bad as being an abuser. She’s made her choice to stay married so you need to stick to your plan of going away.

The best gift you can give yourself this Christmas is to promise yourself to NEVER see your father again (not even if he becomes unwell or wants to apologise) and to consider seriously limiting contact with your manipulative, weak, selfish mother.

On some level I know if I can break the cycle this year, I will be able to more freely manage next year and the one after.

And yes I am now aware that I want Christmas to be 'perfect' and lovely because my childhood Christmases were pretty terrifying, and one involved memorably two police officers standing in our living room that were so tall and big they literally blocked out the light. So yes I think Christmas is really always going to be a bit tricky, and perhaps I need to be more honest about that. I used to gloss over it when dc were young. I could manage my own anxiety pretty well. Since my dc got older and became 'fair game' to my df, it has become so difficult, if not, impossible. So yes now is the time to prove I have the strength.

Part of me thinks why the hell should he get to ruin Christmas, and cause months of anguish and worry for me? Why does he have so much power to do that, even now. I need to get this year out of the way.
Dh has provisionally even booked next year as well!! As he said we have to find a way to get through this, and if I am not here I can't buckle as I will be a thousand miles away! Dc said we shouldn't call my parents, we should leave a voice tag this year so dm doesn't cry and wail down the phone like she did another year we tried to break free and really put a downer on the day.

Just to say I have been nc with my df for 8 years one and off, and Christmas is usually the time I 'give in' but I won't this year and if I can hold firm this year then it will set a precedent and then I will manage other years too.

I have no idea why Christmas is so important. I will think about that.

Stick to your plans and she learns a meltdown doesn’t mean she gets her way.

Change them for her and she learns meltdowns are the way to go.

Who on earth has voted that YABU??? You are totally doing the right thing OP. Don’t doubt it for a second.

They are grown-ups and it is two days - they manage on weekends so please don't feel you have to change your plans, at all!

I don't know how he would wreck revenge this year. Last year he blindsided me/us with digging up the worst videos he could find and shamed me so much, under the false pretences of showing my dc mummy when she was young. Even my dc were pleading with him to stop the footage, and we had to stand up and leave the house there and then.
And your mother stood by (actually - she didn't even manage that - she fled to another room, abandoning you to him) & let him do it.

Then you had a 6 week relapse FFS you poor thing.
Through your own efforts, you managed to get well again & deserve enormous kudos for that.

Your mother knows all this - & is not only willing to put you in the firing line to save herself - she is actively begging, tantruming & manipulating.

Think about this OP - even thought it must really fucking hurt.
To save herself one day of xmas alone with your father - she is happy to force you to bear his abuse again, & content to let you go through a 6 week (or worse) relapse - just so she can have her own way.

Stay strong

Not your responsibility. She's an adult fgs!

Christmas is just one fucking day it's nothing "magical" you don't turn into a pinecone if you don't spend it having "fun" with "all your family"

This is increasingly becoming my attitude. Christmas can be the whole period, there's nothing that happens between 00.01 and 23.59 on 25th Dec that can't happen any other day.

Your DH is a rockstar, I just have to say that.

You put across the struggle you are having with your feelings and the obligation to your mother so well.

But PP are right - beware of the "sudden illness" right before you are due to leave on your trip. Do not let your mother derail your plans. Do not let her guilt you into a miserable Christmas.

You poor thing, you have been abused all your life. The FOG buttons were installed at a very early age. I know about this, having suffered the same.

Your mother set you on fire to keep herself warm. It's hard but you need to accept you are not responsible for her. Really try to understand that. She brought you into the world, she was responsible for you, not the other way around. But she let you suffer appalling abuse. Have a think, would you have let your kids suffer the same? I don't think so. Your mother is a very damaged person, but that is not your fault.

I keep posting here about the podcasts by psychotherapists Helen Villiers and Katie McKenna (there are so many people here affected by appalling parents sadly), and will post again. I'd say you would only need to listen to one or two before you find something resonating highly. You will also find them seriously validating. podcasts.apple.com/ie/podcast/in-sight/id1613030538

Also come over to the Stately Homes thread here, you will find (too) many people there who absolutely understand what you're going through.