My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

Well, it's her choice to stay with the man. It's not her children's responsibility to ensure she isn't alone with him on Christmas Day.

I'm sorry if that sounds heartless, but it's completely true.

I hope you're ok OP.

I know it's been a couple of weeks but I just wanted to say that your mum has done you a favour by blocking you. There's nothing more you can do so you may as well walk away. She hasn't taken your power, she's given it back to you.

You really can block her. It doesn't matter what aunts and uncles think and if they ever ask what's going on you can tell them.

@Venetiaparties so much of what you’ve written has resonated with me. The casual withdrawal of love and attention to keep you to heel, your feeling of needing to keep the fine balance of family harmony on Xmas morning - I don’t think I realised how ‘classic’ these behaviours from my own childhood are / were in other households.

what I will say is a massive, heartfelt WELL DONE. You show self-awareness, great courage and a clear determination to protect your kids from this, none of which is easy to develop. Just look at how many abused kids go on to perpetuate the cycle.

Hold on to them and the fierce protective desire to shield them from this kind of harm and FIND YOUR ANGER. Your parents are not parents and you owe them nothing, but you do owe your kids to keep them safe.

As an aside, I’m so pleased your DH looks after you, you very much deserve to have that. Lean into his care for you and let that strengthen you as well 💐

My DF was a miserable old git.
But DM decided to stick with him and seemed ok with it. It's up to your DM to make changes if she wants to and if she doesn't she must get on with the status qou as it's her choice.

I remember this. Please do not see your dad again. He’s an awful man. I understand why you feel guilt about your mum but remember she has not stepped up and protected you. She has enabled your dad to abuse you. She has made her own bed and these are the consequences. She’s lucky you’re prepared to see her on her own the rest of the year, many others would have walked away from both.

This - I know it seems so harsh when your dad is so unkind, but this is the path she has chosen.

OP just wanted to say I hope you’re ok and looking forward to going away for Xmas. What you’ve been through sounds absolutely horrific and you didn’t deserve any of that. Please don’t feel any guilt towards what kind of Xmas your DM is going have. I hope you and your family have a great time making yourselves happy and having the Xmas you want and deserve x

@strawberry2017 said it perfectly

“Stick with your plans, you need to prioritise your own family.”

and, I would add, yourself.

You have the right to prioritise your own happiness, and the happiness of your own children. Unfortunately it sounds as if your mum chose not to do that for you when you were younger. She is an adult and she’s been offered to opportunity to go with you. I completely understand how emotionally difficult this must be and I feel for your mum. But you’re not responsible for her happiness. You have your own family to protect. I hope it all works out for you all. You deserve a happy Christmas.

Why ruin Xmas?

DM can come with you. She’s guilt tripping you - enabling the abuser.

You don’t say.

You have used the word love over and over in your posts OP. You have to understand that BOTH your parents are incapable of love. They are as bad as each other but in different ways so it's normal to be completely confused and to minimise as your sister has done so evidently.

We had to go NC with my DHs kids from his previous marriage. It was horrendous and we lost a lot of family as a result. Was it the right thing? OMG yes! There is no way we could have continued with that level of toxicity. We have authentic lives now and never give them a second thought although it has taken a lot of years to get where we are.

There WILL be consequences if you go fully NC but you must. This level of abuse is appalling. You come across as not realising how corrosive and appalling it is and has been. This has to be the final straw. Stop contacting them and don't explain to anyone. They will know exactly why you have done it even if it takes them a good long while to realise.

You and your sister have been abused by them in every way it is possible to abuse children.

Why the fuck would you ever set foot in the house again?

You should have walked out at the time; packed your things and left.

Your mum has chosen to stay. That's on her. If she wants to see you and your family at Christmas or any other time, she'll have to be the one to come to you. And you'll need to be firm that your dad isn't welcome.

Your DH is right: go on your planned trip. He is putting your children first, as you should be, and is right to say they will not be going to your parent's home. Listen to him. He's right.

Good luck. I know the guilt will be tremendous, but you can't do this to yourself or your family. Refuse to engage on the topic anymore with your mum if you think you'll start bending. You can't.

You are going to sacrifice your kids to a woman who will not/cannot leave an abusive marriage.
I get how hard it is in her situation... believe me I do. But you effectively cancelling your christmas is not going to change anything.
Chrustmas is 1 .. ONE... day.
If her life is shit the rest of the year, why is 1 day more such a big deal..
You are a grown up... with your own life.. she has made her choices and dragged her kids with her.... be better for yours.

I know I sound callous.... but YOUR family comes first... your husband is right.

The only reason your mum wants you home is because it makes her life easier.
Whilst DF is picking on you he isn’t picking on her.

Go and have a nice time away, turn your phone off and ignore.

OMG. I remember this and was absolutely horrified at the time.

DO NOT see them. You have got to protect your own family.... be the mother to your own kids that your's wasn't to you.

I also remember this from last year, and was also horrified.

OP, you do what you need to do to keep yourself and your DC safe and well. Don’t feel guilty, don’t feel bad. You are strong and insightful. You can find your way through this and away from your abusive parents.

She is an adult and has chosen to stay with this abusive man. You owe her nothing. As a mum, I will never comprehend or understand this. You have zero responsibility to your mum.

This.

Don't cancel your plans. I have a family member who is with an abusive partner. He is extremely unpleasant and is not welcome in my home. She has been offered practical and emotional help and support many times over the years, to leave him. She won't. I don't think he has directly abused the children although of course, exposure to their dad abusing their mum is emotionally abusive. At the end of the day she is choosing to stay with him.

It's a similar situation with your mum, except he HAS abused you. Also not been nice to your DCs.

I do understand why it feels difficult for you if your mum is having a meltdown, but your reluctance to be home is due to your father's behaviour and her decision to put her relationship with him before your welfare.

You owe it to your children, your DH and yourself not to inflict him on you all for Christmas day. Don't feel guilty. I hope you and your family have a good day.

Please go! and have the christmas you and your husband planned for your own family. You need to do that, you have a right to do that! I am not seeing my mom anymore. She is a pathological narcissist who has hated me my whole life because I am too much like my dad and his family. She tells me in my face she would like for me to be dead. I have tried for 60 years to gain her love but it became only worse, with physical abuse and other wrongdoings. 4 years ago I stopped trying and walked out. My siblings "don't understand why", she is our mother so I should be the bigger person, visit her, care for her. They expect for me to accept her saying I should be dead. With my DH, children, their partners and their young children we're going to have christmas and newyear in a different country.

Good post, @FeliciteFaff

We are here for you @Venetiaparties ❤️

The way I see it is your parents like all parents were alone before they had us and siblings, I’m sure your parents can either spend the day together and make the most of the day or spend it in different rooms. You and your sister can call her and you will see her the next day.

I wouldn’t feel guilty that you and your sister want a different Christmas, you have offered your mum to come with you and she refused. Maybe they could have friends around.

Go and enjoy your Christmas, it's not your fault your sister changed her plans. If your mum had any decency she would not make you feel guilty. Have fun and enjoy.

Listen to your DH In your shoes I'd be NC with your mother too

You're a grown up now. Enjoy your Christmas. Maybe spend New Year's with them instead?