My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

I don't know why I feel like I am constantly unsure of her motivations, it feels like game playing. It feels like smoke and mirrors, and I never know where I am. So now I have this reply. I am unsure how to respond.

It feels like game playing because it is game playing.

Her usual tactic hasn't worked - you didn't chase her, you didn't ring, you didn't panic.

So she's trying a new one - indifference. Trying to make you feel small and unimportant in the hope that that will bring you back. Make you want to be needed and important.

Your mother is a highly manipulative and abusive woman. She has managed to hide that to a large extent because you father is a more openly abusive, loudly abusive, man. She's a clever, quiet, abusive and that's often more toxic and difficult to deal with than other types.

You are not responsible for your mother's emotional well-being. Maybe this is the kick in the pants she needs to change her situation. Either way, go do your thing. She's an adult. She'll need to figure out how to manage.

Please don't go to your parents for Christmas. Please look at all of the responses here and do not feel guilty for prioritising the wellbeing of your children and of yourself. You've tried your best with your mum and she's not accepted your help.. if she won't come with you that's her choice she is an adult.

You have a choice protect your own family, or your mom from her choices. At some point you can't protect people from themselves. Your priority should be your husband and your children and your obligations to them. Not bailing your mom out of a situation she has been staying in for decades.

Won't be the first Christmas she cries during, won't be the last. But your children will remember when you chose to spend Christmas with your abusive father over Christmas with them. Unless you're actually going to bring your kids too, then you would be a terrible mother in general.

Her happiness isn't your responsibility

It’s your mother’s choice to stay with an abusive man. Don’t change your plans.

My sister will never speak about what happened to us as children, and she has screened it out, so we have quite a strained relationship anyway.

Your sister has found her way to survive. Give her that. Siblings have different experiences of their parents and their childhoods. You need to allow and understand that. You have found a way to cope, allow her her way.

Hi op your post resonated with me in many ways.
Sadly your mother “needs” to stay with that man.
She is an enabler and also co-dependent.
She put her own needs first when you where children and is continuing to do so.
Please look up Adult Children of Alcoholics AND dysfunctional families.
It will help.
In time the psychological pull towards your mother will lessen.
I think you pity her. She tries to guilt trip. I’m wondering if she has changed tactic now that she doesn’t want to feel you have power over her.
Christmas is very triggering for me - it’s tough -
I want to shout at the advertisements - happy bloody families!!!
You have done the right thing in posting and seeking support.
Have a lovely Christmas.

Not sure why this thread needed 26 pages

Your mum has choices too. Up to her how she chose to spend her life.

Sorry but she chose to stay with an abuser. She has made her bed and must lie in it. I won't have anything to do with my abusive parents. They have never said sorry to me so they are on their own.

Are you holding firm OP?

My son is four and a half and has been ill with strep and the GP prescribed antibiotics. But apparently there’s a national shortage of liquid stuff, so he’s been given pills that we have to open up and get the powder out. But (here’s the problem), my son has taken an aversion to the powder when it’s mixed in to milk/juice/yogurt.He’s spat it out and gets upset when we try and persuade him to take it. I don’t think it’s the taste, rather the texture. Does anybody have tips on how to dissolve it or generally how to deal with aversion to medicine? We’ve tried lots of bribery but it’s not working ..

Hi, v sad and hard but she has chosen your dad even though he is a shit to all, maybe this will make her realise. You have your own family, if you spend Christmas with them you are doing exactly as your mum did, subjecting your kids to an abusive man x

You need to start a new thread or find a current one that is about antibiotics.

Best of luck

@MattDad84 think you have posted on the wrong thread.

Your Mother is also an enabler and codependent.
She is using manipulation to get you back in an abusive relationship.
Stand firm and put your children and yourself first.
Have you had counselling?
The roles played out in a toxic family become very clear.

Stay strong. Do it for your own children, break the chain.
good luck

Sending you strength. You have it. You don’t need it from me. But have some more anyway 💐

Hope you’re ok op and enjoy your Christmas

Honestly one Christmas Day with the man she married and has decided to stay with despite him abusing you in childhood is not that big a deal. Don’t cancel your holiday.

Op I read your whole thread. The posters here have offered very good advice.

I wanted to say something.

Although you have resolved not to go to your DP’s for Xmas I feel like there is a undercurrent of weakness. Just want to remind you that taking the kids to your DP’s is just the same as your mothers abuse of you. She was too weak to leave him. And you have strong moments of weakness in leaving her.

please stay in therapy. And pls don’t go to them for Xmas. You have a loving DH and kids. They don’t deserve your weakness being thrust upon them.

if I was your husband I would read you the riot act in not allowing the kids there ever again. Why would you risk your marriage in this way. You wouldn’t right?

If you take the kids essentially you will allow your children to be abused by being in that environment knowing full well the distress they went through when your father played the videos and maybe at other times too.

op. I say this with love and I say this with respect. You are not a well person. You need to step back from this communication torture cycle with your mother. She doesn’t need you. You are a walking stick. And She has perfectly healthy legs.

wishing you the very best

p.s. similar happened to me. I just resolved to overpower the situation. I am LC and no one is manipulating me now.

The thread resonates with a lot of people and has been really helpful to the OP. What does it matter to you that there are lots of posts?

What @Theunamedcat said.

@Venetiaparties how are you doing OP? Hope you are standing strong.

An excellent response.

Couldn’t have said it better myself.