My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

Don’t change your plans.
your mother married him, let her deal with him.

31st Feb maybe? I wouldn’t spend any time with either of them.

If she chooses not to go with you or your sister then she's chosen to be there with him. Your sister has changed her plans last minute so why should you now cancel yours?

TBH why is this different to any other day? He is abusive 352 days. Do you support your mum daily?

Christmas is on the same date every year surely you Dm could have opened up before now?
He can’t be that bad she’s still married to the miserable old sod!!
unfortunately this year she’s just going to have to suck it up your family have plans that everyone’s looking forward too; it’s your Christmas too so pack up & go she will be fine x

When you become a parent, you have to protect your minor children from abusive/manipulative relatives. You do that. You’ve offered your mother a way out. This image of her crying all Christmas morning feels rather manipulative to me. Go and have a nice time, it’s her choice to spend the holiday with your father.

Your mother will cry and wail down the phone on Christmas day? She did nothing to stop your father then or now. OP both your parents are abusive. Just in different ways.

Exactly.

And what does your mum do the other 364 days of the year that she can't be alone with him?

Bed made, lie in it.

This is the mother who chose to stay with and keep you under the control of your abuser, who then went on to do the same to the next generation?

Honestly, it sounds like your mother didn’t side with her children and grandchildren over an abuser. I’m not sure what type of abuse you’re referring to but it doesn’t matter. She made the decision to stay with him & not keep you all safe. I know that sounds harsh but please remember that before changing your plans. Ask yourself the question ‘where are my children going to have a happier Christmas’ and you have your answer x

Same. So many people are so good at playing victim. The way you've described her meltdown is suggestive of her being a bit of a guilt tripper but she has the option of coming with you. Or she can stay with her husband. She has already chosen to be with him knowing how he treated you.

Your mother isn't looking great in all this either. Actions speak louder than words in regards to her saying sorry to you years ago.

My friend was in an abusive relationship.
Her DD felt the need to be at home to protect her mother, SS thought she wasn’t sociable and had difficulties making friends when the truth was the opposite.
She also felt the fear.
When she left her husband (it took several attempts) the flying monkeys would come out in force - because he was drinking and gambling and making their lives a misery. They wanted her to take him back so their lives were easier.
So back she goes and tries to enlist others to support her to support him - but they don’t - she carries all the weight until she reaches breaking point again. And so the cycle goes again. Everyone unhappy - nobody breaks the chain -

She finally left and moved miles away so he can no longer hurt their family. They are happier and can relax.

The truth is nobody on these situations are ok, and you are breaking that cycle, you recognize it and removed yourself. Don’t go back, don’t feel guilty, don’t engage, look after yourself because nobody in your family is going to, to their own detriment.

Go on your holiday. You invited your mum but she said no. You've done your bit now go with a clear conscience.

Sorry not to update sooner, and thank you for all of your lovely and thoughtful messages of support. I was so happy to read them all!

I have been rushing around trying to get organised, as our flights were cancelled. We decided to leave early and we are here now! I can't express the relief leaving all of the stress behind us.

We did pop in and see my mother before we left - who reminded my dc and I that they were 'on their own' for Christmas and this was her Christmas Day multiple times dd called it 'total emotional manipulation' on the way home given I had driven for hours and hours to see her in terrible weather conditions.

I think you would have been proud of me! I was so bright and breezy, and said she could always change her mind and come with us. Being here has been a game changer. I feel a million miles away from the knotted up emotions I was feeling. I will still take care on Christmas Day as it might still bring up some sadness, almost certainly it will, but I will do my best to focus entirely on dc and try and have fun.

Thank you for all of your posts, I don't think I would have had the courage to do this without you all.

I hope for those struggling in the same way as me, you will find some peace and acceptance, love and support. MN is here for you. Please post, don't struggle alone. There is so much support and care on here, and really great advice

Happy Christmas Everyone 🙏

Wonderful news OP!

I am very pleased to read this, hope you have a wonderful Christmas!

Such a lovely post to read OP. Enjoy your break and have a wonderful Christmas 🥰🎄🎅

So happy you’re away, OP. Have a wonderful time. Turn your phone OFF.

❄️⛄️🎄❤️

Well done for taking control of your happiness. From now on each time will be easier. Have the best holiday

Have a wonderful Christmas @Venetiaparties and I hope 2023 is an amazing year for you 🕊️🥳

Yay!! So happy for you OP! Have a wonderful time ❤️

Your mum chose to stay with him, I'm sure she'll cope, just like she does the rest of the time when there's just the two of them together. She's guilt tripping you - don't change your plans. Go away, have a lovely Christmas, see your parents when you get back. Its not you that's selfish or wrong, it's her.

OP, I hope you don't feel that this is flippant or in any way minimising your lifelong treatment at the hands of your parents, but reading my way through this thread and your posts put this wonderful and poignant song into my mind. The conflict you must feel about wanting to protect or help your mum while minimising contact with your dad but as you've resolved (and I think your mum's blocking you has helped you), it's not something for you to fix. I feel that every time I listen to this. Hope you find it helpful.

Very proud of you!

Have a very lovely Christmas