My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

ALL abusers have and ‘everyone’ they’ll tell. But actually they forget… they’ve isolated you from anyone decent around them already

I work with the he elderly professionally and occasionally have clients whose adult children don’t see them - I don’t judge and always think there are two sides to every story

So such a good question, who are all these people?

They are aunts and uncles mainly, and maybe cousins. They would see my sister and I leaving my parents on their own for Christmas as something very unkind. They all looked the other way during my childhood, certainly the adults. Which was often the way I appreciate at the time, unless it was so bad and then they would drive down.
I don't care what they think but I somehow hate the idea of being considered unkind when nothing could be further from the truth. But you are right, dm will say whatever she wants anyway, probably whatever will garner the most sympathy and that is out of my control. She often picks over the sad things (I mostly don't share anything these days) but sometimes things happen, and she will try and get as much of the detail so she can share it and pass it off as something happening to her directly/her family to be shared with her sisters and picked over. I have never been able to stomach the way she does this, it is a competition between them of who has the worst life/worst news. I am just fodder/material to be used. No real concern, it wouldn't cross her mind to come and support me.

I left home at 18, and my mother has had thirty years to leave, and could have easily done so as she had a good job and plenty of support. She choose not to. I woke up remembering that she wants to be there.
Whatever my dad is, or isn't she has decided it is acceptable to her at least, so I will respect her decision and make my own choices for my own family. The fly in the ointment is that I won't gloss over his terrible behaviour any longer and she can't pretend that we are a happy family - she wants me to parent her, to drop everything for her as you would a child and to accept my father and everything that comes with him unreservedly. I believe she is deeply resentful that I won't do this for her. Underlying all of this, is a deep resentment of me 'leaving' her and living my own life. It is very messed up but it is the truth.

I have my own life, my own children and I am happy most of the time. She will never be happy for me. LC is the way forward with her. NC with my Dad and I am going to do everything I can to have a good Christmas, remembering it is just one day in many and it is not about my childhood any longer.

If I can add, I feel she thinks I still belong to her if that makes sense?

That my sole function is to be serve and be there for her. It is unspoken but I know it. I can't be allowed to go off and have a life, as I have done, there is a deep rooted anger that I have not stayed by her side and devoted my life to her. I think her own emotional needs as a child were not met, and she has placed the burden on me to supply her with parental, unconditional love. It has strangely reversed. Which is why she never expects me to cry, to need help or to be anything less than the 'strong one'. It is a huge burden to carry.

Not one that I can manage with my real children if I am to be the loving, present mother for them. She feels she should come over and above my own children. Thats the real root of the tension. I sense she is competing for my attention with my own children. And that can never happen.

she wants me to parent her, to drop everything for her as you would a child and to accept my father and everything that comes with him unreservedly. I believe she is deeply resentful that I won't do this for her. Underlying all of this, is a deep resentment of me 'leaving' her and living my own life. It is very messed up but it is the truth.

What you said here seems to sum it up entirely. By choosing not to 'drop everything' for her this Christmas you are breaking this cycle. You are not asking your children to be your shield, to be subject to damaging and toxic behaviour in order to assuage your guilt and anxiety about this situation. It is painful but empowering.

Sending strength. It is also personally empowering for me to read this thread, the courage you have had in sharing this and being so open and the wisdom of so many strangers.

My dm used to complain bitterly that her dgd, my dd would take my attention away from dm.
She once told me I should lock her in a room on her own for an hour a day so that she learned she couldn’t have access to me all the time, dd was 3.
Dm also told me that my ds would end up in a young offenders prison and dd would be pregnant at 16 as dh and I were such bad parents.
My two are adults now, both been to university, got jobs and no prison or unwanted pregnancy, that I know of anyway.

If it helps one day I snapped and told my dm to behave or to fuck off and she is a lot better now.

I think you sound like a great mum @Venetiaparties. Hope you have a lovely Christmas with your DH and DC’s.

Yes you are for her narcissistic supply nothing else.

Bring peace and joy to your nuclear family by going NC with them both.

Unpick with your therapist why her playing victim yet continuing to abuse him means she is somehow less abusive than your Dad.

'I can't be allowed to go off and have a life, as I have done, there is a deep rooted anger that I have not stayed by her side and devoted my life to her'

Hard relate to this. My parents are the same with me, and my MIL was the same with my DH. Absolutely furious with us for daring to grow up and lead a life of our own. Can't see past their own needs, not ever. As you say, it's an enormous burden to carry, and it does feel like you have to choose between your own happiness or theirs. It's such an unreasonable ask of a child

She's outrageous! What was she like when you were a child?

As parentified children we become caretakers of others, often parents.
As children our survival depends on others taking care of us, and i that doesn't happen we step up- and our emotional well being is closely tied with the emotional well being of others.
This is perectly reasonable or a child living in trauma, but we oten carry on these processes into adulthood- we become codependant.
So our happiness is dependant on the happiness of others.

Once we recognise these behaviours we can start to resolved them.

@Venetiaparties you said she was a covert narcissist, and that’s exactly what you’ve described in your last post. Everyone in her life need to be in the place she wants them.. beneath her and dancing to her tune…

or else. She can’t be the bastard your dad is, no… that’s too obvious, her manipulation comes from her perceived victim status so she uses the waterworks, the put downs, the rages, the silent treatment.

hold strong, you’re not imagining any of this, you know this.

and as for the Everyone… they know. They turned away and ignored what was going on so (a) they know and (b) if they did nothing they’re partly responsible so fuck em, their opinion means fuck all.

@Venetiaparties Are you going to therapy about all of this?

It sounds like you need it.

How old are you? How old are your parents?

At some point, you know they will play the 'health' card on you - ageing ailments, need support, maybe cancer etc. You need to say 'no' to any further involvement.

Ah OK so ‘Everyone’ is her own toxic Family Of Origin? They sound the sort of people who’ll enjoy the schadenfreude, frankly. Leave them to it - let your mother get her seasonal misery-based attention fix from them.

@Venetiaparties this sounds like it’s been a huge wake up call for you and a real “fork in the road” moment in terms of how you see and relate to your mum. I can also see how there are elements of both victim and perpetrator in her from what you describe. The empathy and compassion for the victim part of her has understandably kept you in the relationship. But it really is possible to have that compassion for her while remaining at a distance and not allowing her to harm you or your children further, either passively via enabling your father’s abuse or directly. I think you are very brave for wrestling with this, for finally saying no and putting boundaries and seeing how your mum has weaponised her victimhood - and yours by exploiting your need for even the smallest signs of love and support after such a horrid abusive childhood - for her own ends.

It is in no way fully comparable, but my maternal grandmother was horrid - a very bitter and negative person. She was awful to my mum and to me and my siblings in front of her, I went NC with her from age 18. It was hard to see how she treated my mum and my mum never stand up to her. You will be giving your kids such a gift if you model boundaries and zero tolerance of abuse towards them or you. You deserve to live your life free of all that toxicity. Look at everything you’ve done - you have your own lovely family, you’ve broken that cycle, you’re already a superstar in spite of them, not because of them. You deserve to shine every day of the goddamn year and especially at Christmas.

In terms of therapy, it may help to do something like Internal Family Systems or parts work, as this helps us to learn to be a parent to our own “child parts” who are hurting and wounded. When we can parent our inner child, we feel less need to seek love and approval in the same old places, we break the cycle of going to the same people for our needs to be met only to have our hopes dashed again. The goal of the process is that the little part of you can learn to grieve safely and know she’s ok, because “adult you”’is handling things now.

This is heartbreaking, I hope you can have a peaceful Christmas and come to really believe that it is not your fault or your problem to sort.

I called my counsellor, I have had quite a bit of therapy already but I needed a break. She has offered to see me today on face time, which is great and nice of her to fit me in. I do understand some aspects well, and I have done my best to work on my issues, mainly so I don't contaminate my children and current life.

The fog can still come out of nowhere like it did yesterday, and I can feel such so conflicted with it - because it feels 'real' at the time. Once I posted this thread and read the replies I realised what was happening.

The parentification I did research myself. The feelings of responsibility I have towards my mother feels really hard wired, and the need to 'protect' her whatever the cost takes a lot of work to overcome and to challenge. I am better at relationships, I am not codependent now, but I used to be as a young woman. I would just latch on and hope they wouldn't leave me! It was very sad, but I dealt with that vulnerability over time and maturity. And knowing I am capable and can take care of myself was really good for me by the time I was in my late twenties.

DP already pulled the health card for over two years which turned out to be nothing. I knew it was nothing instinctively and trusted it, and stopped asking. I knew what they were doing. It was all part of a plan to get me to move back, and to keep driving them to medical apps and to feel pity for them. I didn't do any of it, and I let them organise themselves, and no surprises they managed perfectly and the scans and all the apps confirmed what I suspected.

I do love my mother very much, and that isn't always a good thing when it is used against me. And it becomes a weapon rather than the blessing that it is and should be. It took years just to accept that. I will get there, we all will, and live with what we have and can't have.

You are an extraordinarily strong woman... even if you don't always feel it, you are.

A word of warning: if push comes to shove and your mother puts her in a position where she has to choose, it's possible your sister will choose her rather than you. She hasn't done all the hard, excruciating work on herself and understanding the damage that you have, and I suspect she's still very very enmeshed.

It's so sad that you still love your Mum when she is incapable of loving you.

If I was your Aunt and a half decent human being I would still feel guilty about not helping you more, and I would be delighted to hear of you no longer letting parents control you. And if your aunts and uncles aren't decent people then who cares what they think.

Glad you are seeing therapist again, hopefully helps. Also really pleased to read your are not changing Christmas plans.

hugs to you OP and keep strong. Your thread actually gave me nightmares, I dreamt my mother had turned into this cruel woman and was laughing as she admitted she loved to upset me. My mum is a bit annoying and selfish but nothing on the scale of yours.

You have survived so much. keep going. XXXXX

good for you op i hope youre couselling goes well and you can unpick more of what your mother is doing

You are an extraordinarily strong woman... even if you don't always feel it, you are.

Yes - your resilience is astounding OP, & what's even more astounding is that you have lived through all that family dysfunction & come out capable of love & full of compassion.

I am trying to keep myself safe and she keeps ripping away the life vest, or that is how it feels.

Thats exactly what it is - any time you remind her, you've got a life vest, you've got a life boat, you've got the safety and security she hasn't got... she tries to undo that, so you'll sink with her, so she's not drowning by herself.

Not the actions of a kind, self-aware, maternal person. And those are her issues to deal with, not yours. If she wanted to fix herself, save herself, she could.

You can love someone but still accept that they're imperfect and the best thing all round is to, um, be very very strategic about contact. Aka "I love you Mum but you know doing X has never worked out well" <<< something you might possibly just want to think rather than say...

Any flying monkeys, "Spending Xmas with them always seems to end unhappily, we decided it's best to see them" (by which you may well mean Mum) "at other times as it wasn't working out well for anyone"
And if they continue to give grief,
"Look, I don't want to speak ill of people or get into this, but this MY relationship with MY parents, it's ultimately not your business and you weren't there and don't know what went on".
Anyone who hasn't at least asked you for your side and listened haven't earned the right to be listened to themselves, have they?