My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

I just want to say I have total solidarity for you. My father did 1/10th to me what yours did to you and took a lot of that childhood trauma into adulthood, including the terrible sickening guilt over leaving my mum alone with him. I cut them out my life for a few years. Ive been very lucky in that he actually is very protective over her and it was the fact of her getting cut off along with him which made him start to behave. Now he is on his best behaviour and scared of me because I hold the power over mum not knowing her grandkids. That's good enough for me.

Anyway I wanted to reply to this and another thing you said:

"Dc said we shouldn't call my parents, we should leave a voice tag this year so dm doesn't cry and wail down the phone like she did another year we tried to break free and really put a downer on the day."

Reading both of these made me want to point out that you have said your mum parentified you - you are doing this by making your kids be the ones to have to make these totally sensible suggestions over Christmas not being a downer. And secondly, on the subject of all your Christmases being about hope that it would be different - your kids will surely be thinking the same. Maybe this year will be the one mum doesn't let her asshole parents bully anyone. Maybe this year will be the one with no shouting or crying. Etc....

I know how easy it is to say those things from the outside looking in but I found having them pointed out give me strength to get away from the guilt. I promise it does get easier.

This is such a important post. Well written, @Natty13

You shouldn't feel guilty at all! It would be so unfair to make your children spend christmas day with your dad when you are saying he is abusive to them. She is chosing to stay with an abusive man and chosing not to leave him on his own over christmas. Why should your family suffer because of him?!

God I hope both your parents can be eased out of your life - they sound equally dreadful. If you can switch off the guilt instinct and enjoy time away with your husband and children it’s an opportunity to start the healing. Try not to pin everything on Xmas and the fantasy ideals but do take strength from your happier family dynamic.

"Dc said we shouldn't call my parents, we should leave a voice tag this year so dm doesn't cry and wail down the phone like she did another year we tried to break free and really put a downer on the day."

You are trying so hard to help yourself but the above post of yours is the one you really need to keep re-reading.

Your words.

Your children telling YOU the parent here about boundaries with these awful people.

Start seriously thinking of how they are going to look back at all this drama attached to christmas and your upset.

Forget about your mother and think really honestly about your husband trying to put distance between you and them at Christmas, so he can protect you and his children.

He must quietly appalled at what they were exposed to last year.

How could he not be?.

Your children are undoubtedly impacted by all of this.

I mean this kindly, ......you think you have regrets NOW?

I give you my word, that your children telling you that they feel damaged by the drama your parents brought to their childhood, will bring you a whole new level of grief and regret.

Focusing on your children and how this will affect their view of their childhood will hopefully give you the strength you need.

You are not your mother, sacrificing your children's childhood for your own unmet needs.

Really wishing you the best.

Before I read that your mum blocked you, I was going to say that your mum is the final tie to your dad and that you need to go NC with your mum for any kind of true freedom and moving on. Now I'm sure you do. However, I don't think you're quite ready to do that, you need to have more therapy first and come to terms with the fact that your life would be a whole lot better without both of them in it, the therapy will help you to have the confidence in fully cutting them out of your life and removing this power they have over you.

Also, I don't mean this to sound horrible but if your mum can block you for 14 months then she doesn't actually need you at all, so I would try to reframe the idea that she needs you for support. She only needs you to participate in her abusive games.

This is absolutely heartbreaking to read, I'm so sorry you've been put through all that.
It has been interesting to read your posts all in one go, as I can see your mindset changing throughout the thread.
One thing that struck me that I'd like to say; you seem to think your mother is a victim of your DF, and maybe she is, but I really think she is also a perpetrator to you. She never defended you, she actively sent you father to hurt you, and most importantly SHE hurt you ( by cutting you off when you didn't do as you were told).
I think you need to go NC, or at least add LC as possible, with both of them.

Who are these people you're so concerned about? Fuck them. Concentrate on your family and friends. Remove yourself from this toxicity. Do lots of things to distract you and help you relax. Meditation, walking, gin nights with the lasses. Whatever it takes. She doesn't deserve brain space.

Don't see her or your dad. Put your mental health and your children's mental health first.

When you think about it, Christmas is one day, so, say 14-16 hours of just another day, so why make it different when she wakes up to him every other day of the year? What difference does it make, just because it's the 25th of December? What's the difference in letting her wake up alone with him on the 24th, versus her waking up alone with him on the 25th? What's the difference? It's just a day. Like any other.

As @RandomMess said she’s a covert narcissist.

As a child she would direct your father to go to a room you were in, so that he would abuse you and not her.

Last Christmas when he showed those awful videos to both you and your children, she walked out of the room.

You say that she has only one friend. So who the hell cares if she slags you off to her?

You do realise that your mum involves your sister as a flying monkey? She also has conditioned her, to think that the abuse wasn’t as bad as @Venetiaparties makes out.

@Venetiaparties you need more therapy to unpick this about your mother. Personally, you need to go NC with all of them.

Show your DC that this behaviour is utterly toxic and abusive!

Your husband and children obviously love you very much. They are your family. They are what you need for a good life not the twats who brought you up.

Only if you let it.

Take away her power. By being fearful of playing into her hands, you are letting her keep the power. You’re still reacting from fear instead of not reacting at all

I've noticed on this site that so many people go way overboard with Christmas and put so much stock in and so much emphasis on one day, which is all of what 14, 16 waking hours. It's just another day. That's all. The amount of meaning and emphasis people make of one day is really insane. So you don't want your mum to wake up alone to her abusive husband one day but the other 364 days are different? Just seems strange to me. To me, Christmas is for kids but for adults it's just an ordinary day.

Bless you, I know you mean well but god that’s so wide of many marks.

the op mum is an enabler of a really bad abuser. He’d started on her daughters… op stopped eating and had huge ED as a kid..

her mother stood by, and worse encouraged it.

she’s a covert narcissist and just as much an abuser as her husband.

no no. It doesn’t work like that.

I guarantee you most people have an inkling something isn’t right but they just don’t recognise it especially for such transitory interactions.

I know for sure hers and his masks have slipped for others too. Briefly maybe but they will have. Do you really think your mother has substantial, meaningful friendships when she’s behaved like that to you? God no. She’s clearly not capable because if she was she’d have done significantly more to protect her children than just pretend it wasn’t happening.

she can tell them how awful you are, let her. Let her do it. Most won’t give a shit. Those that do are probably not worth knowing anyway. And no doubt you only seeing them at Xmas she’s already told them you’re awful for not visiting during the year.

block her knowing she’s already done her worst that she ever could to you. You’ve survived that and built a better family than she ever could. This will be a cake walk.

I don't know why I feel like I am constantly unsure of her motivations, it feels like game playing. It feels like smoke and mirrors, and I never know where I am. So now I have this reply. I am unsure how to respond.

If you can distance yourself (very very hard to do), you do know why.

I bet she parentified you and she is blazingly angry that you let her down by having major surgery and that you aren't going to be there at Christmas.

She can't say that openly, it would go against her victim-persona so she's acting it out and then pretending it hasn't happened.

All her anger at the abuse her husband dishes out is being directed at you because you're a safer target and more vulnerable, being her child.

Im sorry, @Venetiaparties, but you don't really have any parents any more. I am sorry.

They say a dog that is given lots of attention and love as a puppy grows up confident, happy and (once the puppy stage is past) with his or her own sort of dignity. A puppy that is neglected or gets attention some of the time but abuse at other times grows up insecure and needing attention and unable to really be an adult dog.

It's incredibly hard to face that you desperately need parental love but that it's not there and never will be, but that is the situation you are in. Your husband sounds a very good man and your children are wise and perceptive. They give you love, healthy love. Your mum does not and by now, at her age, it's probably too late.

I hope you can find more therapy with an -experienced- therapist and I hope you can come to terms with the way things are now, and leaving the past behind.

I hope your husband can give you unconditional and accepting and loving hugs.

I think your best bet is to disengage. A very good friend once said "my mother is an old woman I choose to care for to some degree". It was the coldest thing I've ever heard him say.

For as long as you wish to stay in contact with her, it might be best to consciously consider her as an old woman that you choose to speak to breezily and superficially and to consciously disengage from. Imagine yourself on an island with solid rock under your feet with your husband and children and she cannot reach you. You have the choice to send breezy messages or not, as you choose.

First of all, I am so sorry you have been cursed with such shitty parents. What they have done to you is just horrendous. Your mum is equally as abusive as your father, and more manipulative. You need to cut them off, for your sake and for your children. Can you imagine how bad they will get when they are old and infirm, and probably expecting you to look after them. Enjoy your Christmas with your real family, and have no contact with your quite frankly criminal parents.

why do you care what other people think-you know the truth and thats all that matters

youre playing into her hands by actually replying everytime she deems you worthy enough to message-she knows shes got you panicking

Oh this hits home. Honestly, embrace that role. I mean at the end of of the day the people who matter know the situation, if she wants to cast you as the villain in her story what does it mean in the long run?

you aren’t responsible for other peoples opinions and feelings. Embrace the villain role. If someone asks you or mentions it, you can the tell them your side or just say ‘That’s interesting”

I’ll say it again because I think you need to hear it. “Fuck all of them. It sucks that this is the life they are all choosing to live. But you are a choosing a different life. If they don’t fit into it under your terms, then that is on them. You don’t own their issues”

Now, go have the Christmas you want with your family. And let the rest figure it out amongst themselves. They are grown ass adults who have made their choices.

Or as my BIL once infamously said: 'if you believe that crap you're as f*cking mad as she is'.

This is what I have said under similar circumstances, but not sure that the OP is there yet.

Your mother is an abuser too. I would go very low contact or NC with her too. She did not fulfill the most basic tasks as a mother to keep you safe. Not then and not now! She deserves all she gets now.

People can be abusive, complicit of abuse and a victim of abuse all at the same time.
It isn't victim blaming, life is complex.

Your mother is abusive too. Less physically dangerous but more insidious and psychological.

I guess playing the oppressed, victimised martyr is how she reconciles staying with your shit of a father. It sort of makes sense. But you don't have to play. Your kids definitely deserve better.