My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

Bless you, I wish you well on your journey to freedom from parental abuse. You are making a great start, and I hope you get away and enjoy your trip.

The bottom line is, It's either your mother or your marriage and children and YOU.

Chooses to stay with an abuser… you don’t know much about being in an abusive relationship do you?

OP your posts are heartbreaking. It's awful to think of a child being put through that. What's clear though is that you see your mum as the victim in this too. It's a big deal to face the fact that BOTH your parents were, and are, abusive. There is a reason why people abuse and your dad's coercive control of your mother, and everything that led up to him being able to take that control, may well be the reason, but that does not make her actions any less abusive. She sacrifices your needs to best meet her own. She does that through manipulation and guilt because then she can deny any wrong doing and present herself as much more supportive than she actually is. I'm sure she loves you but what are you feeling is the voice of the guilt that she so strongly nurtured all through your childhood because that is what she used against you. You know you can't put your kids through this. You cannot let another generation go through even part of what you had to endure. You can only be there for your mum as much as that can happen at a distance from your dad. Sadly you can't save her. She needs to save herself and you can be there to support her should she ever be able to do that. She will be less able to take that step the more you stand as the buffer between her decisions and the consequences of those decisions. Your DH sounds amazing and I am very glad you seem to have found someone who can properly love you.

Those are not the actions of a loving and caring mother. I'm so sorry. You deserved, and do deserve, better.

Cherish the family you never had with your dh and children, safe in the knowledge that you would never ever treat your children the way you were treated. You've broken the cycle. Show your dc what they should do when someone treats them badly, repeatedly and cut them both out.

Quote: So over the years Christmas became this delicate, fragile construct of hope. A day that I always hoped and prayed there might be love and kindness. For one day I could pretend I was loved and it was all okay.

I’m so sorry your mother chooses to treat you so badly OP but please take hope from your own words above. You have your own little family now, go away on your holiday and enjoy Christmas with your lovely children and your loving husband and know that you are indeed very much loved. This is your chance to follow the wise advice given on here, a chance for a new beginning, embrace it.

I remember your post after the video showing, I was so speechless that he would do that to you, & she scuttled out of the room.
She is now saying she is all sorted for Xmas & will be fine. So that's just rose isn't it ?

Do not reply. You know you need to go NC with them both.

It doesn't matter about them calling in the flying monkeys, & any poison lies they are spreading...
You are better when you are away from them both, your H is lovely.
You are safe with your family unit, You do not need these people who have tormented you since childhood.

It sounds to me that your mother is as toxic as your father , i do not excuse but think i understand how she has been terrorized over many years to the point she's at now, but to cut you off is cruel and as nasty and vicious as your father is.
Wouldn't all your lives be easier if you detach yourself completely from them both ?
Your mothers choice to behave badly to you now is her own chosen action , don't give in , don't indulge her -she knows right from wrong , she should quietly respect your choice to keep away ,she knows she could have got out of this mess a long time ago ,she knows it is totally unacceptable for you and your daughters to be in the company of this vile man , she should actually be pleased and relieved that you don't have to be.
Please draw on the strength of your own families love, and your own strength from keeping whats precious to you safe from this monsters clutches.
Think about how Christmas's to come are going to be , you don't have to run away , you can make your christmas as cosy and lovely as you wanted yours to be all those times.
Decide once and for all that you will be free from this disgusting specimen of a man and also quite frankly your weak failure of a mother.
You were a child and should have been wrapped up with love and you weren't, whatever they choose to do /not do at christmas or any time of the year really isn't your problem anymore .
I wish you and your family many happy times to come.

Your mother chooses to have a terrible Christmas. Shes just as abusive as he is. She enables him to abuse you.

Do not change your plans. Are you in therapy? you need to be. Youve done so so well - time to cut out the abusers

Do NOT change your plans. Your Mum has CHOSEN to stay with your Dad even though he's an abusive twat. Do NOT let her guilt you into ruining your Christmas by having to spend it with him

I hope you have a really lovely trip away @Venetiaparties and make some happy Christmas memories.

You have people who love you unconditionally, you husband and children. Just focus on them. Your father is a nut job who is miserable and your mother while I feel sorry for her, she is putting herself over you. You can’t control what they do you can only influence what you do. And what you should do is be happy.

I’m afraid she chose to stay with him. You have your own family now. They are your priority. Do something nIce with your mum before or after Christmas.

Who will she be telling? It's a good question. The second part is 'do they know what she's like?'

I went NC with my PIL after finding out that they constantly lied about me, how awful I was etc etc. The biggest lie (FIL verbally dressed me down on our wedding day, in front of witnesses because he got too drunk to remember to only snark me where no one could overhear). The point at which my DH understood this was at a family party - FIL's extended family - when everyone came to check on me, and make sure I was OK anytime one of my PILs were talking to me. Everyone was rushing to look after me.

They knew.

Now NC with my DC (12 & 13) because they started on a 9 year old (now 12). Finding that little time when DH wasn't looking, to dress her down and insult me (back to calling me a liar). SIL tried getting us to reconcile, as did an Uncle, but I told then what had happened very firmly, and said that the abuse stops here and now. Any further discussion on their part will not make us friends.

Please remove yourself from this unhealthy dynamic. It's so much easier on the other side. I'm so sorry that this relationship has broken, but it was never whole and healthy. Not your fault at all, and 'people' will know that.

She can go with OP

Nor do you, apparently. Not every abusive situation is the same, and sometimes victims are also perpetrators.

Invite your mum to go with you without your dad. If she says no, fine - her choice.
Don't feel guilty, you are absolutely right to go away.

OP, I never usually post, but there was so much I recognised in your story. I never wanted children because I was terrified of continuing the vicious cycle, as I felt I was damaged and damaging (and highly aware that my father repeated the patterns of his own childhood), and never wanted to marry because of the risk of how my father would kick off and ruin the day as he did everything else. Then I met my now husband and the father of my two children. With his support I went NC with my parents (like you, I always saw my mother as the victim until I discovered she’d been yelling massively lies about me to make my father look better and suddenly I was able to reframe her role in everything a recognise how culpable she was) soon after we announced we were marrying, when the bullshittery began. That was eight years ago now and it was brutal at first, and I still sometimes tell white lies socially and give the impression my relationship with them is something it’s not, but those who know me know the reality and I feel at peace with it now. I’ve had a lifetime of mental health issues but the last eight years have been the best I’ve ever had, so much so that, PND after a late miscarriage aside, I’m not even sure I’d describe myself as a clinical depressive bordering on manic depressive any more. My life, even after moving halfway round the world, had always been held hostage but I managed to walk away and it’s the best thing I ever did. I only wish I’d done it when I first emigrated (I.e. put as much physical distance as possible between me and my father). I’ve built my own little family and no way in hell is my father getting anywhere near my boys. I look forward to the day he eventually dies and can no longer hurt anyone, but he won’t be getting any opportunity with me, my husband or children in the meantime. My brothers are still in contact (like with you, I was the eldest and got the brunt, but they also want the money that goes hand in hand with my parents), so that means I lost them too. But the people who stood by me and the family I’ve created more than makes up for what I lost. I hope you find the same freedom I did.

Your parents are so perfect for each other. Their different methods of abuse compliment each other so well. Between them, they have every angle covered.

We have a very similar situation. It’s so hard when you want to spend Christmas with your mum isn’t it? At the moment I do have her and my dad over at Christmas. I mostly stick my dad in a corner and ignore him. Luckily ill health and morbid obesity have rendered him encapable of the kind of violence and verbal abuse of christmases past. Not saying that’s what you should do as he sounds like he’s still going strong. Total sympathy for you op

Oh OP, what a gut wrencher. I recognise some of the dynamic and that fear, obligation, guilt cycle. I tried to return to my situation but it was like I’d never left. In the end I walked away and went very low contact.

It’s never quite black and white, is it? Your mum has to deal with your dad’s abusive behaviour but she silently punishes you if you don’t perform as mum and protect her. It’s better to not try to save a drowning person if it means drowning yourself. You’ve given her a choice for Christmas but it’s not what she wants. Likewise, putting up with a load of abuse isn’t what you want or need.

It's hugely telling that you now see your only option as effectively waiting for her to reblock/unblock you, because to wield your own agency would result in <insert dreadful but unspecifiable consequences>

Recognise that, in the same way you fear your father's rage, you actually also fear your mother's (silent) rage. It's just different rage.

Can you sit with the fear for a moment, and try to discern exactly what are the consequences of wielding your own agency and taking some control of the relationship with her?

Perhaps if you chose to turn your phone off while you were away? She wouldn't be happy. Can you push through the panic at that thought and work out exactly what it is you're afraid of?

That’s what she realised she’d be losing when she’s blocked you. She was testing to see if you had already blocked her.

so send the breezy text and tack on that it’s just as well as you won’t be coming to hers because of the behaviour towards you last year. Add “it’s for the best”‘just as a closing shot
and then block her and never allow her to do this to you/your h or your kids ever again.

take back your life.

that fear? It’s the fear of your inner child, that’s why it feels so bad and so overwhelming because you’re back being a powerless child again.

therapy will help you fix this

Why do care what people that listen to your mother think of you?

My mother says all sorts of shit about me, even now, 18 years since I went NC. It took a few years for it to stop upsetting me/making me angry, now it either doesn’t bother me at all or I think it’s hilarious. She knows nothing. And I’ve never really been one to give a fuck what other people think of me.

Don't look back - you'll become that biblical pillar of salt (solid tears I always thought).

The good mum in your Christmas story will not disappoint - she is you.

You are going to have a happy family Christmas -without fear - just as you always hoped. Your family are where it all changes for the better.

Note:
If you don't block your mum... be ready for her to work at wrecking your plans nearer the date. There will be a sudden emergency call. You will have to drop everything... Be ready to be suspicious and don't change to suit either of your parents.

I agree with other posters that you need to carefully consider who is this 'everyone' that she will tell lies to and why it churns up these emotions in you.

Everyone:

1. Your father - and so what?
2. Her one friend - again, so what? She's probably made from the same mould as your mother
3. Your sister - your sister already knows the truth, and if she's going to start playing flying monkeys then it's really OK to tell her you don't want to hear it

Also, I'd strongly suggest that you rescind the invitation to join you on holiday now and block. She said she's made plans. Take her at her word.