My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

I think that is a good reply.

She would love that, it would give her ample amo to tell everyone how awful I am, and to block her and not see her at Christmas. I would be playing directly into her hands.

OP, pattern wise, it sounds like you have been behaving toward your mother as your mother does around your father. You live in fear, you appease, you enable, and you help keep the whole nasty circus going. Until now.

You will know when it is the right time for you, but the right action will be to gather your DH and DC and walk away. Completely. From your mother as well as your father. As your mother should have gathered you and your sister and got you out to safety.

Don't get involved in her games. Block and move on.

She can tell everyone what she wants, you know it's not true and most people around her will know what she's like.

Apologies, OP - I didn't realise there was a second page of your updates.

It's clear that you are very hurt by your Mum blocking you BUT I think you need to flip the script and look at it as a gift to you - she's handing you the opportunity to stop seeing her as the victim, once and for all. Yes, it sounds like she has been through a lot with your father, but she has always chosen to stay AND, more importantly, she has ALWAYS chosen to turn a blind eye when you are being abused and allowed it to happen.

She is being incredibly manipulative here, trying to make you feel guilty, and for what? For doing the one thing she has never done - putting your kids first!! You described her upthread as 'a shell of a woman' but these are not the actions of a broken person - they are the actions of someone who expects others to put up with literally anything as long as it suits her.

You can choose to remove yourself from this madness too, OP.

Go away for Xmas and have the BEST time. When feelings of guilt creep in, hug one of your beautiful kids and remind yourself that you are doing the best thing for them, which is what your Mum should have done for you, all along.

Block them, stop playing your side of the game. One of the most powerful answers is no answer at all.

I dumped my abusers decades ago, irrespective of the damage, they cannot damage me any more. Get angry.

My parents and my in laws have been alone at Christmas when their children’s plans didn’t coincide (they both have multiple children but all have partners so sometimes we have all been going to our OHs). Neither my in laws or my parents have moaned at all. They just invited friends over or had Christmas the two of them. It’s not your fault that your mum doesn’t have a nice husband.

Your mother keeps pulling your life jacket away because she wants to watch you drown.

I think this ^^its due to your mother not being in control of her own life so she wants to control yours.

You have the power to stop that happening and when you break free you'll feel better. You have a decent husband supporting you and handing you the tools to deal with this

Only because she believes you fear those things. The people who matter know you’re not awful, so what does it matter what anyone else thinks? If they want to believe her lies that’s on them, not you.

I would be playing directly into her hands.

don't play the game then - what can she actually do? how will you be directly in her hands?

she can go around telling everyone you are a bad daughter, how will that ultimately affect you or your dc in comparison to the hurt that was caused to you and your dc last xmas?

Her blocking you is excellent. Really, it is. It'll give you space to get your head round some of this - you need a therapist to unpack everything about your mum. Don't try and do it alone.

@Venetiaparties I am so, so sorry, I've read some awful things on MN but I think your posts are the first ones that have made me actually tearful. I felt really sorry for your DM but actually she's no better than your DF, she's playing the victim but she manipulates you horribly. Going to hide in the kitchen while your DF rips you to bits is disgusting and then expecting you to see her this year is beyond reason.
I'm very happy that your DH is a good man, he only has your best interests at heart and wants to protect you even if it's hard for you. Please, please, make this the year you finally break free and live your own life and forget your DP's., they don't deserve your kindness or your guilt. Go away for Christmas and have a wonderful time

Oh @Venetiaparties my love you need to go NC with your mother as well. She’s every bit as abusive as your father. So what if she criticises you to other people, you’re giving her so much power over you and your happiness. Just block her and be happy with your lovely family.

I don't know why I feel like I am constantly unsure of her motivations, it feels like game playing

Because it is game playing @Venetiaparties. I know you want to think better of your mum, but her narcissistic and manipulative mind games are just as abusive as your dad’s abuse. You really need to distance yourself from her.

As an outside observer it is crystal clear that she is messing with your head.

I am unsure how to respond.

You don’t. You mute her and ignore. Do this for the sake of your own mental health.

*OP, pattern wise, it sounds like you have been behaving toward your mother as your mother does around your father. You live in fear, you appease, you enable, and you help keep the whole nasty circus going. Until now.

You will know when it is the right time for you, but the right action will be to gather your DH and DC and walk away. Completely. From your mother as well as your father. As your mother should have gathered you and your sister and got you out to safety.*

This ^^ is the best advice from @Stravaig

Who are these people, 'everyone', who would think badly of you OP?

Do they figure hugely in your life? Perhaps their opinion doesn't matter anyway.

OP first of all, sorry to read about your past abuse by your parents. I think you’ve been offered some really good advice by other posters

I was also a victim of childhood abuse, and have posted about this under another name. It has been so helpful for me to read about FOG. Despite my horrendous abuse, I continued a relationship with my parents as I was scared of breaking free. I kept this up until my late 50s. I went to my fathers aid when my mother was suddenly taken I’ll. My father repaid this by trying to attack me. The scales fell from my eyes then. I was so upset with myself that I had put my daughter in a vulnerable situation to potentially keep up appearances. My mother knew what had happened and took his side again

My father died later that year, but my mother kept it up to the end. I don’t speak to her her or my brother now. It is the best thing I have ever done. I

My mother wrote to my DH after my father died, she said he had died peacefully in his chair as he had wished. I hope he woke up before and realised he was on the was road to hell for all the dreadful things he had done during his life.

Apologies for my rambling, but I just wanted to say that eventually the FOG can go away. I do think I am judged at times, for example not attending my fathers funeral, but I don’t care about that. I do get moments of feeling sad for my mother, but she had plenty of opportunities to leave, and her inertia caused me so much abuse and suffering

whilst your mother has you blocked - get a new sim car with a new number...take this opportunity and make sure she can't contact you at xmas.

So you've worked out she's a covert narcissist it still want her in your life?

You need so much more therapy as she will continue to chew you up and spit you out, oh and your DC too.

Cheery reply and block. Let her tell lies about you - she will be doing that anyway!

Just as you wanted your mother to leave your father for all these years

everyone here is wanting you to leave your mother behind and not look back for even one second

take care of yourself

Very succinctly put @ivykaty44

@Venetiaparties not one poster has suggested that you try and have a relationship with your mother. Not one.

I'd stick to your plans, you offered for your mum to come with you and she's declined, she's choosen to be alone with her husband on Christmas day.

I understand she's upset but she's going to be seeing your sister on boxing day and I actually think she's being really unfair making everything about herself, especially given that your sister is visiting someone who is terminally ill.

I know it's hard not to feel guilty, my mum is really emotionally manipulative so I get it, but you can't keep everyone else happy all the time at the expense of your own happiness.

So she is no better than your DF - just uses different methods to hurt.

Does it really matter if she told people? Anyone you care about likely knows the horrible reality of their parenting. Anyone who doesn't believe it or wants you to subject your familly to this crap so they can all play happy families and pretend nothing happened is enabling the abuses.

Your DH is right - you don't owe them anything.

Your DS is also right - she doesn't have to host them every year, that is her choice but she doesn't get to make your choice for you. So every other year, they can make their own entertainment.

You have your own children to protect, if you can't see your DM without inflicting DF on your children then sadly you can't see your DM. But honestly she doesn't sound that great either.

I’m really sorry, but I’m afraid your DH is right.

Your mum might be feeling awful now and dreading her Christmas, but she will survive.

I would be devastated if my children had to do something like cancel a holiday to “save” me from spending time with the person I have chosen to live my life with. Even though I might wish things were different, or feel sorry for myself, even though it might really bring my choices into sharp relief - I really, really wouldn’t want them to have to make up the shortfall in these circumstances.

I’m sure you wouldn’t want that for your children either, and while it’s great to model compassion and empathy and all that good stuff, it is less good to model being a doormat to someone else’s unreasonable needs/demands. Show them it’s ok to make yourself the priority once in a while, and also that they are your priority.

Your eldest is nearly 18 and family Christmases might change a bit as they begin reaching adulthood. This sounds like a precious family holiday and I hope you don’t let your dad derail it and exert that control over you (which is what he is doing via your mum). Make a plan to call home or do a family video WhatsApp at a set time on Christmas Day and, other than that, turn your phone off and focus on your own family.

good luck! Xx

She has a choice. Come with you or stay with him.

Don't give up your holiday if HER choice is to stay.

But who would she be telling? You already said that she has no-one left because they all hate your dad so much. And your sister knows how you feel.

Look, BOTH your parents are abusive twats. This is not just about your dad. Your mother gets a kick out of having control of you. That's not normal. You have the chance to draw a line under your awful upbringing and make new, normal, happy family memories with your own family. You owe your mother nothing. NOTHING. SHe sounds horrible.