My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

This proves beyond any doubt that she is less your father's victim than she is his partner in abuse. You know she didn't really block you because she "couldn't face you", right? She was punishing you for not going along with her narrative. For not submitting to her control. But it doesn't fit with the accepted family narrative for her to be angry and controlling and punitive, so she did it in a way that fitted with the narrative of her as poor frail oppressed victim. "Oh, I just couldn't do it, I was just so tired, and so ashamed of myself that I just couldn't talk to you". I hope you see that now for the bullshit it is. She was angry and abusive and punishing you.

I know this is bringing up a hell of a lot for you and I'd definitely strongly recommend you get yourself a therapist to have a safe space to work it all through.

You obviously feel quite sorry for you mum, because your dad is obviously a prick. But I think you need to recognise that your mum isn't completely innocent here either. She is having a meltdown in our to manipulate you into coming. She is very much playing the victim card here, and it's actually very deliberate.

Having read this thread @Venetiaparties I just wanted to say well done for protecting your children and breaking the cycle. What a good mum you are as it takes such strength to protect our children from our own childhoods sometimes.

Secondly I’d like to suggest you reframe your DM’s ‘blocking’ in your mind. It’s not her having the final word or power. It’s her inadvertently giving you freedom. Freedom from having to try to contact her. Freedom from guilt as she clearly chose that you can’t contact her. Freedom to enjoy your Christmas away without risk of negative communication. For now, being blocked is freedom.

Lastly, reading about why Xmas day means so much to you, I can very much understand and you’ve taken such great insight to see it through the FOG too. But I’d just point out that, whilst searching for the Xmas day you never had, you can have that perfect Xmas day now instead. You have it with your family, not your parents. You have the day without fear and without abuse and importantly, without guilt. A perfect Xmas day is available to you every year from now on as you no longer have to accept the abuse or put yourself anywhere near it. By staying away from your parents you can have those idyllic Xmas days you so deserved.

Spot on, @astronewt ! I remember when DH & I had a NFH (the husband, who seemed to be a MN = malignant narcissist). His wife seemed more normal & in our difficulties I began to think of trying to get her to help us with her husband. Then I read somewhere the advice to NEVER think an enabler will EVER help you, because their whole life revolves around the abuser. They may seem to suffer through being with the abuser & you may feel sorry for them, but if it ever comes down to a choice of you or the abuser, the enabler will throw you under the bus without a moment's hesitation, to save their own skin (as they see it).

The advice was right. She turned out to be a complete b*tch, just not so outwardly disordered as her husband.

You poor darling. They have both behaved atrociously for years, I am so sorry. For your father to play that video when your DH was out is just a sign of how awful he is.

I’m not surprised you are NC and frankly your DM deserves just the same for her callous behaviour too. You have done nothing wrong. Please get the therapy lined up - there is a lot to talk about

@brogan1972 have you read the thread? Phone or Skype mum on Christmas day? The woman has the chance of actually going on the holiday with the OP and her family and turned it down to spend Christmas with DF! And then expects OP and her family to cancel their trip so they can act as a buffer to take the verbal knocks.

And when OP wrote 'Last year I bit the bullet, after being NC the year before to see my mum and make an effort to try and smooth things over for a few hours for her sake, and my father decided to play the old videos of my eating disorder on xmas eve despite me pleading with him to stop repeatedly.
I posted on here about it at the time, I had a relapse and it took 6 weeks to start eating again.' Where was mum? In the kitchen ignoring the whole episode. She hasn't stood up for her daughters.

Plus OP has already said that she phoned on one occasion when she wasn't seeing her mum and had her wailing down the phone. Which then ruined the rest of the day for the family as OP was racked with guilt.

Mum has her choice - go away for the Christmas season or stay. She's chosen.

And that's your power summed up in one sentence ...'Well I'm not going to do this again'. Right there. She's lost

Not until OP actually doesn't do it again she hasn't - and that won't be easy if such a master manipulator turns on the big guns

All we can do is offer support, but even in cases of marital abuse it's said it can take the victim several "goes" to finally get away, so it can only be hoped OP means it when saying this is finally it

She needs to grow up!

Both of your parents are abusive and enable each other to inflict their respective forms of abuse upon you.
if I were you I would have nothing more to do with either of their sorry arses ever again.
You don’t need their permission or approval for a dam thing. Live your best life and cut them loose they deserve each other.

@Venetiaparties i too remember your post from last year.
Sickening then and heartbreaking now still.
I'm glad you posted and have decided to not go
I hope you have the best guilt free Christmas with your lovely family - you deserve it

You do not need to feel guilt for not wanting to be around your father because of abuse.

You do not need to feel guilt for your mother if she is still with your father.

You do not need to feel any guilt for not being around family at Christmas, especially if it causes you trauma and distress because of his abuse.

Unfortunately it is your mother's life she has chosen or been unable to leave.
The only thing you can do is help her if she chooses to leave him.
I'm assuming you do not blame or apportion her any blame in you being abused in any way, mentally or physically.

It is not your fault.

My mum kept doing this to me - building hope and then pulling the rug out again. Different situation of course but involved enabling abuse, as well as her own special blend of judgement and coldness mixed with learned helplessness. But despite being so apparently passive and unable to deal with the abusive stuff, she was always able to rip that rug out and hurt me again.
She has a real cruel streak in her and I think part of her enjoyed it, liked having the power to punish and hurt - all wrapped up in acting like she was helpless and it was up to me to put up and shut up if I loved her and for the ‘family’.

I stopped contact altogether a couple of years ago and my life has improved so much since then. Of course it’s hard at christmas and on birthdays but other than that I don’t think about her much. I’m free now. Yes there is sadness but it’s been two years free of that dreadful, sick inside feeling where she betrayed me again. It’s a much nicer life.

I sincerely hope you can get to a similar place OP. x

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, OP but you need to stop perpetuating this cycle of abuse.

Your Mum has CHOSEN to stay with your father even though he has been abusive to not just her but you and your sister.

What you are suggesting here is that YOU might force YOUR kids to spend Xmas with a man who is now horrible to THEM!!!

Do you see how fucked up that is?!!

You can't complain about the man who was abusive to you and then force your kids to go through the same!!

Your Mum has agency. She is a grown adult. You do NOT have to sacrifice the happiness of your own family because she won't walk away!

As other posters have said, I think you only thought your mom wasn’t bad because your dad was so obviously awful. But I cannot stop thinking of the story you mentioned of her getting drunk to escape it all in front of you.

She’s not a person that has suffered your dad’s abuse and just can’t quite detangle herself. I know of abused woman that actively protected their children even though they did not leave. She doesn’t sound like that, or else you wouldn’t have lived half the things you suffered.

And to be honest, her manipulation and abuse seems to be the worst, as it’s so well designed to make you suffer all this, and to affect deeply who you are.

And even if you have your doubts about all the above, no way a good mom would block their children, and definitely not while they are sick. My mom let me down a bit when I was gravely ill and I cannot completely forget it. So I talk from experience, you must be very forgiving and strong, that this is not something that has been haunting you. If she had blocked me, I would have never ever forgive her. Because I don’t deserve that. You don’t either.

Your mum is a nasty manipulative piece of work too OP. She’s not an innocent victim in any of this, she’s just very good at painting herself as one.

Don't let your mother's meltdown hold you to ransom. Your sister's plans changed (understandably in the circumstances) and you'd already booked to go abroad. Not your fault at all.

You have suggested your mum comes with you - she won't. So that doesn't leave you any options I can see. I wouldn't cancel your Xmas trip - they are a married couple after all and have been together many years and this is just 1 Xmas where they won't have family. But they can still have a good time! Many of us leave parents to have our own families and things move on - it's the way life is.

Isn't it obvious? Because OP was abused growing up and didn't have stable adults in her life to teach her how to assert herself! In fact they taught her the very opposite! You had that and you take it for granted having kind parents!

And even if your parents are abusive and you know it do you have any idea how much it hurts to stand up to them as their child? It hurts a lot! I know from experience! There is still a little child inside OP that wants her father and mothers love and acceptance. It's competely natural to feel that way.

Don't be so hard on OP. It takes a lot of bravery to stand up to your abusive parents even as an adult.

Usually in the past when I have felt my mother is going to cut me off and block me (It has happened a few times now) It is always about my father, and the fact I have tried to distance/keep my children safe or along those lines. It is always about him. I have panicked in the past, and sent long messages and/or called her. It is so distressing being blocked by a parent that I try and ward off the pain before she does it, after the first time which affected my mental health very badly at the time, so I will go to great lengths to try and prevent it. Even sending my mother gifts and cards or a song. I now see this for the massive appeasement it was. A form of control. Of breaking me down. She uses silence to instil fear of abandonment and loss. She has deployed it ruthlessly in the past.
In the past she has read my messages and just ignored them for months on end. Seemingly not remotely bothered by her monumental decision to ignore and pretend I don't exist, and she is indifferent. When things are eventually patched up its as if nothing has happened.

This time when I realised my WAs were not going through. I did not continue in my usual panic of trying to get through to her with my heart in my mouth at the thought of never being able to contact her again, I can't describe that fear that I may never speak to her again (as weird as that sounds) It is a really primal reaction of total fear.
This time I did not continue messaging in panic.
I haven't sent another message.
And now I have a cheery reply saying she has organised her own Christmas, and a long list of what she is now doing, and no need to worry as she has been busy today too busy to reply, which doesn't explain the fact the messages were not going through for hours.

I don't know why I feel like I am constantly unsure of her motivations, it feels like game playing. It feels like smoke and mirrors, and I never know where I am. So now I have this reply. I am unsure how to respond.

That's horribly familiar. I used to think I was alone in having a mother who likes to torture me.

Also, where all these people voting unreasonable??

You're so not, OP

Your mother is thinking of herself. I suggest you do the same.

Just reply 'that's lovely. I hope you have a great time' and leave it at that.

Basically she doesn’t want to be alone with him either.

It's very difficult being cruel to be kind. If you have tried for years to encourage her to leave then you obviously need to try something else.

Guilt is a real bugger, but ultimately it's a very negative force, bad people feed off it and good people use it to justify making crap decisions.

It might be an awful Christmas Day, but it might be a much better year next year if you stick to your guns now.

It does haunt me nyna I can not forget it, nor get over it. I have just shoved the pain to one side in order to have any kind of relationship with her. I have not, and will never ask for help again.

I am sorry you had that experience as well, it becomes all about my mum and her suffering and the impact on her when I am ill, it has always been the same. I found out she was a covert narcissist, which really helped me to understand the victimhood, the lack of empathy and the confusion about why it was always somehow always about her and no one else. It is not so much about me, me me in a grandiose way but poor me, no one has ever had it worse than me. It is a different way of acquiring attention/pity.

Block your mum and be free op