My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

She has two options - go with you or not - she can make her own mind up she is a adult and not your responsibility. Please enjoy your Christmas and don’t change you plans

Blocking me is a form of attack, and the last resort when the crying didn't work

Not quite, since other options are available - like the "desperate illness" I mentioned and which I'm convinced she'll invent if you fail to come to heel

As said earlier, I really would talk with DH about how you're going to handle things if she springs this just as you're about to go away - because it's one thing in principle to make up your mind to ignore her and quite another to do it when faced with something that sounds extreme, even if you're 99% sure oit's fake

You're nbu at all!
You do the Christmas that your family will best enjoy and if your DM doesn't want to be alone surely she can stay with the family in Scotland.
Honestly, it's family drama like this (my ILs that is) that have helped myself and DH decide this Christmas we are staying in our own home this Christmas.
You and your sister are both adults with your own families so its entirely reasonable for you to base your Christmas around them, and not relent because your mum is throwing a strop.

But even if you do cancel your own plans and you take your DC to see your mother on Christmas day how do you know you (and they) definitely will not see your DF? What if your mother or he engineers it in such a way that he is present, or that you are forced to go into the house etc?
That seems quite possible -- is it worth the risk?
And that is even before you cancel your own holiday plans -- how will your DH and DC feel about that? I can't imagine they will be happy about foregoing their own Christmas break ( and coming second to your manipulative parents? )
You can decide to take charge and change things for you and your family, OP. Sadly, if you don't it is likely that nothing will ever change until someone dies.

Exactly this - why is your mother more important than your kids?

Let go of the guilt. Kids and DH come first unless there's an emergency.

And it is only one day, your mum will see your sister on Boxing Day.

That's so good to hear you are standing firm, Venetia .
But I wonder if your DF could have had a hand in her blocking you?
Either manipulating her into doing it or even taking her phone off her and doing it himself?

My hope for you after reading all of your updates, OP, is that you never speak to either of your parents again.

Your df is a sick abusive nutcase and your dm is a manipulative, gaslighting enabler. He does not deserve your presence and she does not deserve your pity. Neither of them deserve your forgiveness after everything they've put you through.

Your dm blocking you should be a clear sign to you that she does not care about you actually being there, she cares about herself and her Christmas being bearable under any circumstances, even if it's at the cost of her own dc/dgc.

I truly hope that you stick to your guns and draw a clear boundary for the sake of yourself, especially, but also your dc, and begin to live a life with all of the abuse you endured put into your past where it belongs. Both parents included.

my father decided to play the old videos of my eating disorder on xmas eve despite me pleading with him to stop repeatedly

rather than just pulling the plug out? or throwing water over the TV-

Pleading with him to stop? Why didn't' you just walk out and why are you even having this discussion on here? My goodness the way women are conditioned!

Totally agree with this!

It wouldn’t matter if he did because she’s then still complicit in his abuse of the op. This woman has made her choices and keeps on making them. Op doesn’t need
to feel guilty for that.

Pleading with him to stop? Why didn't' you just walk out and why are you even having this discussion on here?

My goodness the way women are conditioned!

Why is it always the woman at fault?

Have you read the thread? She did get up and walk out. With her dh and kids.

And thank god she is having the discussion on here as she clearly needs support in making some difficult choices.

lundybancroft.com/blog/

You need to read Lundy Bancroft's books on toxic parents and dysfunctional relationships.

But it's not difficult! Her father is an abusive bully who also abuses her daughters. Her mother enabled it. She only walked out after numerous times as she said "over and over" -I'd have pulled the plug out and walked out as soon as he started -- well I wouldn't have been there at all because I am not conditioned to #be kind like so many women are. I am not blaming women, I am blaming the way we are conditioned but I have a "healthy" dose of selfishness and do what's right for me and people I love and like.

But her parents are horrible. Why spend time with horrible people? You don't need validation from people on the internet not to enable nasty people who abuse your kids and abused you and your sister too. Especially when your DH is on your side and supporting you.

Sorry I realise she pleaded with him repeatedly but the same point applies. You don't plead!

Mine was the opposite: my older brother was more valued & he's still slightly enmeshed, even though our parents are dead. I was more like the OP, fighting back while still in the FOO & making the break afterwards.

This post is such a positive affirmation of your strength and your determination to live your life free from your parent's negativity and abuse.

Honestly, I'd print it and keep it. I'd probably put it somewhere 'private' but where I could still see it from time to time or pull it out and read it in times of emotional 'questioning'.

Your mum is also abusive, just in a different way. Don't rise to being blocked by her, infact, block her right back. She won't leave it 14 months this time as she thinks she will have strong armed you into spending Christmas with them, so she'll be back in touch soon, so call her bluff, you deserve so much better than this.

Maybe invite your mum for a second Christmas when you are back from your holiday, that way she can delay and not miss out on spending it with you. And perhaps it may really help boost your mother's mental health if you can call or Skype her on the actual day, just to let her know she is not alone.

I really can't believe how so many posters can be so condemning of the OP's mothers' decisions when they have no idea the life that the family may have endured. The reason so many mothers stay is to protect their children with all their might for 100% of the time, and not risk letting the abuser be alone with their children without them. After decades of such a life, of course she will have become conditioned to living that way, walking away isn't necessarily something that is possible for everyone.
Reaping what you sow is the very last thing that those in such situations are to be accused of.
Sadly the OP and her mother really aren't the only ones in such a situation.

On another forum (for women with difficult parents), this tactic was known as 'Christmas cancer'.

And before anyone jumps on me, I've actually been diagnosed with cancer. Twice. Both times at Christmas.

You should also consider that your mum has had a 'massive meltdown' in front of you. This is highly manipulative.

You've given her the choice of going with you. If she doesn't want to, that's fine but it's her choice.

Do not change your plans

Strengthen your resolve OP.
i have never read such sensible, intelligent, knowledgeable, experienced advice as on this thread.
Keep reading it over again and stay strong because more is coming from your mum to knock you down until you agree to be the kicking boy on Christmas Day.

Your DM had no business having a meltdown in the first place. Many many parents are alone at Christmas for various reasons and they learn how to handle it for the sake of everybody involved. The give away that your DM is manipulative is that she had a meltdown instead of being understanding and reasonable and looking for the positives - for your sake.
And now, just as you were seeing the light, she has knocked you down again with further manipulation by blocking you. A normal mum would put you first and be glad for you all that you are going away, - freeing yourself from the abuse.
Be prepared for the next thing to be a call from your DSis to say that your DM is sick and needs help. Let your DH deal with that.
She won’t EVER account for any of her actions and lack of protection from your life of abuse from her husband.
You have to stop hoping it will come right. It’s futile.
Only you can make it stop. Lean on your DH. He is doing the right thing for you and the dc. Trust him. He sounds wonderful.
Wishing you strength and courage to have a really happy peaceful family Christmas. You deserve it at last. Make it happen !

Yes, that is what I was thinking about my mum/sister too.

callousness is to ignore someone who needs help. Pure evil is to actively do something or enable someone to do something to hurt them.

I was feeling guilty about going NC with my sister. I won’t now.

And that's your power summed up in one sentence...'Well I'm not going to do this again'. Right there. She's lost. She can NC as much as she likes - she's actually doing you a favour and doesn't realise it! Because now you don't have to try, you don't have to raise your hopes for her or your dad. You know where you stand and the only way now is up and onwards. So onwards to a lovely Christmas, possibly with a few wibbles (we all have those), but closer to the kind of family Christmas you've always imagined. And once you have had that, you won't want to go back.

Keep going. Don't let her suck you into her self pity. You don't deserve it and your family (your real family - DC and DH) certainly doesn't.

@brogan1972 Can you explain, in your version, why the mother blocked the daughter? That doesn't seem protective or loving.

Perhaps your questions about responses to the OP would be answered if you read more of the OP's posts: click 'See all' on one of her posts, & you'll get all of them in order.

I've heard this several times before - either of the parents will have health crises of some sort - heart attack, terminal diagnosis or the like - and the terrified son or daughter will rush to their side, only to find them sitting watching TV and eating chocs, saying "oh, we're fine now, it was only xxx".

Manipulation tactics (advanced level).