My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

What on earth do I do?

nothing, unfortunately its sad, but these are your mothers choices, decisions she has made. Your mother needs to contact relevant agencies if that is what she wants to do and be given support but you can't actually do anything but be there to pick up the pieces

She is as cruel and manipulative as he is - she just uses different tools!

If I was your fairy-godmother this Christmas I'd send you off to the ball and a wonderful holiday - and I'd grant you several years of peaceful blocking from your mother.

If you that her behaviour is making you feel guilty (as she intends you to and has loooong experience of succeeding at) just keep imagining yourself treating your own children like this and see how utterly wrong she is.

OP, I have a dear friend in a somewhat similar position. I'm not qualified to give you advice, but you have had excellent advice on here. So I will just give you virtual 💐and suggest that maybe your DC's should block your mother's number, if they have it on their phones.

'I don't know if it's so much wanting to watch OP drown as it is her mother wanting that life jacket for herself (ie OP as a shield from her husband's abuse) and she doesn't care if OP drowns as a result.'

Very well put. My mother is the same. I realised one day that I had to choose between my happiness or hers, I couldn't manage both. I chose myself and continue to do so. Youre doing the same OP - please be very proud of that. It's far from easy

Block your mum and dad and move on with your life with your own family. Wishing you the best OP

With families of abuse there really is a line that the victims and survivors dance on where sometimes they are both victims and the abusers. I learned that this was the case for myself and my family members at one point. My mother was an abuser for awhile though I’ve forgiven her because she has grown and realized her faults and stopped. But she used to send us like lambs to the slaughter to deal with our dad even as very small children. She's since realized that her parents also abused her which was why she thought it was okay and put up with it even though she hated it and he abused her.

My sisters used to imitate what our parents did and we all did this delightful thing where we took turns beating each other up, calling each other names, and being opportunists when one of us was upset or mentally vulnerable to say the one thing that would cut the deepest. I imagine there is a certain level whether it's is normal for siblings to hit or call each other names but if that normal exist we definitely weren't normal. We would absolutely try to destroy each other physically and psychologically.

Me being the youngest I moved out and went to live with my sister and it hit me then how fucked up it all was when my older sister got extremely angry when she found out I was sexually active with my then boyfriend now husband (at 20 mind you) and demanded that she be allowed to read every single one of my private texts with him or else she would kick me out in the snow. Some of them were so private and personal it would have DESTROYED me if she read them so I chose the snow. That made her angry because I think she realized if she acted on it she would truly be a horrible person so instead she tried to physically fight me and take my phone in which I fought back which surprised her. I guess she thought because she was the lease holder I would just tolerate it. But I didn't.

I moved out that weekend with a work friend.

I think it was the moment that made me take a good hard look at myself though because I always saw my sisters and I as innocent victims who just had a hard childhood incapable of being perpetrators of abuse. But that was the moment I decided to seek out a lot of therapy because I didn't want to be like that.

Is your sister younger than you? My experience (not my own family) is that the younger siblings tend to block it out/wear rose tinted classes more easily than the older siblings can..

It sounds brutal but your mother has prioritised this man for your entire life. She has put him first. She made that choice. You need to make your own choice as to who should be put first from now. There is nothing to salvage here.

When the guilt rises up (as it will) you have to remind yourself that you are breaking this abusive cycle and you are protecting your children in a way that were not protected.

If it was me I would stand firm, for reasons she is entirely aware of you cannot spend Christmas with your father. She is welcome to be with you alone. If she prefers to spend Christmas with your father than you can see her alone before or after Christmas.

Incredibly difficult, sending massive hugs.

She'll get over it, she's an adult. What a fuss over one day of the year.

There's not much you can do so don't feel bad about it.

I read your previous thread about the awful Christmas. I´m so sorry you´re still struggling. There is so much good advice on this thread so I won´t add more, just to say that I totally understand you, having suffered similar dynamics in my own family. Stay strong. Sending much love.

Your mother could have left your father years ago instead she decided to stay with him.
Last Christmas he decided to show videos of you as a teenager with an eating disorder and your mother just walked away rather than turn the video off and tell him to stop with this behaviour. She let him treat you and your sister poorly for years.

So this year you decided to go away with your family and you asked your mother to go with you. She declined the offer. Your sister is going away to see someone who is not well.
Your mother expects you to cancel your plans and behaved liked a toddler when you told her no.

I am sorry but it not your job to make her Xmas day better when she sat back last year and let your father do and say what he did. Why should you be put under the mental stress of dealing with your father for a day, having to listen to his comments and possibly him saying nasty things to your kid's. In fact he would ruin Christmas for all of you if you went their.
Your going away for a nice few family days and it can be a much need break for you all. Then next year you can do the same again because the expectation of going to your parents house is now gone.

I have a friend who has a few siblings. My friend was left to sort out and deal with several difficult situations in the past. Her mother did as little as possible to help her out. Her attitude was very much don't bother me or expect me to help/support you. She was the same with my friends sibling but meanwhile she could find time, support/help and money for the golden children.

My friend decided over 18 months ago she was no longer going to step up to do and sort out things for her mother unless it suited her. Her mother once again had let her down.
Now it apparent to my friend and sibling that their mother health is declining and in the future she may not be able to have a driving license. She may need help in the next few years to stay in her house rather than going into a nursing home.

My friend is making plans so she won't be as available in the future and her sibling is already refusing to do things unless it suits them. My friend said that parents need to realise that if they treat you badly as a child or young adult they can't expect you to drop all when they need help as they age or get into health or financial difficulty.

I have just read your full thread and I remember the last one you posted too about the videos - truly horrendous.

I don’t have any words of advice to add to what so many people have brilliantly written here but I just wanted to say that I am so sorry you are going through all of this and for you went through as a child.

Sending you strength and best wishes. Keep looking after yourself. xxx

Massive hugs OP. It was never you, it was always them. Your mum choose to not intervene in the video situ. That is just as bad a putting the videos on.

Agree with PP to make sure everyone in the family has them both blocked.

It will probably give them a temporary feeling of power but once they realise you are not backing down then it will be

Flying monkeys
Illness
Heart attack / stroke
Cancer

etc.

Wishing you all the strength in the world.

@Venetiaparties this is your chance to have a future without the negativity and abuse.
Grasp it.
You don’t need your parents in your life if they’re not adding anything good.
They may be your parents but you don’t owe them a thing. Their responsibility was to be good parents, they decided not to take that path.
As an adult you can choose your own path.

Which makes her as much an abuser as your father. Not just an enabler, an abuser.

Leave them to it. Your own family is all you need.

I liken your mothers behaviour towards your father to that of an addiction. Your father is the source of the addiction. This addiction has destroyed her own life and she has watched it have horrific consequence upon the people she loves. Yet she always chooses the addiction. She always chooses him. As with any addiction your mother is the only one with any power to beat it. To leave your father. She has refused to. She has chosen your father over you, your sister and your children.

She has to live with consequence of that. Lifelines have been thrown, she has intentionally not taken then. There comes a point with any addict that you have to say, 'I love you, but I do not care what happens to you'. Sounds brutal but only she can solve this.

There was another thread the other day; my responses to that apply here even though the reasons are different. Stop letting your mother control you in this way. She's perfectly capable of leaving him if he's that bad to her, with your help if you have some to give. To expect you to give up your holiday because another person (your sister) changed her plans with a knock-on effect on your mother is not on, and she will continue having meltdowns at you while they seem to have some potential of working. People will keep on blackmailing others about Christmas until we collectively say "stop!". You can still be there for your mother if she is having difficulties or wants to leave (if you want to and have the spare capacity to deal with her) without being physically present on Christmas Day. Set boundaries and keep them.

Enjoy your holiday and don't feel any guilt at all.

At the start of this thread I felt a little sorry for your mother but still had the overall feeling that she let her children down badly.
After reading your last few posts it's clear that she's a pretty horrible person too and she hides behind the narrative that it's all your father's fault.

She's spent decades been too afraid/controlled to stand up to your father and allowed him to abuse you.
It's strange that such a doormat has the strength and capacity to turn on you very swiftly and vehemently when she's not getting her own way with you.

Go and enjoy your holiday, fake it till you make it and show your children that not only can cycles be broken but that their strong courageous mother and loving protective father broke one of the worst cycles ever to protect them.

I really hear you, I am so sad to read your posts revealing more trauma but so happy to see you turning the corner and admitting to yourself that your mum isn't treating you the way she should.

She actually likes being the victim. Ignoring is so cruel. They are both bullies, and bullies don't like it when people start fighting back. Remember when you hit your dad back with the lamp he stopped the beatings but kept saying hurtful things...? Maybe more (verbal) fighting back would work again? But small steps, as the other posters also advise :) (Sending much love!)

I'm afraid, like me, in some ways you don't actually have a mother. It's hard to come to terms with but thinking this way helped me not to crave this dream (the one that is especially sold at Christmas! It's actually not true for sooo many!)

There's a person there who gave birth to you and somehow brought you up to be this lovely person who cares so much for her kids and found a loving husband, but she is not a mother to you. If anything you were a mother to her. I know how hard this is.

Think of all the people instead who can give you the mothery things you crave from her. Your DH, DC, friends - the family you make for yourself.

My grandad was a bully to my mum. My grandmother took his side. My mother didn't defend me from him either even though she knew she wanted to, she was too scared. She bullied me and my sister. My dad didn't stop it. I bullied my husband in the same way. He refused to let me and I got therapy to save our relationship. Now we have a son and I would never let the same things happen to him. All thanks to therapy. I hope you can get some soon. It really does work :)

Sending you SO MUCH STRENGTH. You can do this. Don't worry about being angry, they never worry about your feelings when they turn on you do they? Maybe you need to get angry too. It's not nice when you've buried it for so long, but screaming in the car alone on a deserted road can be good fun!

Good luck and Merry Christmas!!!

I can well imagine the pain at having to face up to both of your parents being abusers, but I think that is the reality here.

In truth, abuser vs victim are not mutually exclusive, and whilst your mother is a victim of abuse in her own right, she is clearly being abusive to you. We are all pretty aware of the stats around why abused women struggle to leave their partners, but this does not in anyway explain or excuse your mothers abuse of you. That is her choice to behave that way, and isnt excusable simply because she is also on the receiving end of abuse herself.

Have you considered taking back control by blocking her? After all, if she wanted to be in contact she wouldn't have blocked you.... that way you won't be anxiously awaiting her to break her punishment of you enforcing your boundaries. She doesn't get to be the sole decider of when you have contact with each other!

So much has changed from your OP to your updates... You started off describing him as 'grumpy' and 'not very nice to you all' and Christmas with them 'stressful'.

It really seems like you have minimised their past behaviour towards you, and I hope that now you can see it (and them) for what it truly is.

It might be worth considering more therapy as you start to unpack this further. The latest block is indeed a power move, as it takes away your 'voice'. Perhaps write the letter/text you want to say. Get it out, then shelve it/destroy it. You deserve healing, and peace.

But you need to sit down and think about it, otherwise the FOG remains.

Your mother is just as much am abuser as your father, walking out of rooms, pointing him in your direction, anything to stop him getting at her. She used her children to stop that, that’s why you had the awful times you did, it’s not all on your father it’s just as much down to your mother who chose herself and continues to do so

You need to think about it, get angry, and then start to heal and tbh I think you need to go NC with both of them. This is your mothers choice to put you and your sister in harms way and she continues the abuse today with her walking out of the room last year and the ‘meltdown’ this year to get her own way

THIS!

@Venetiaparties are you getting therapy for all this shit they have and are still putting you through?

You are acutely aware of all the hurt they have caused and still inflict on you.

It's very obvious to us reading your posts that your parents are toxic and you should expel them from your life.

I hope you are seeing a professional about this.
The sooner you realise that they don't deserve any of your bandwith, the better.

Oh OP. Please don't let this wound you - it is monumentally selfish of your mother to manipulate you like this.

I agree with your dh