My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

Who blocks their child for spending Christmas elsewhere??

Yes she did block me before, I was in hospital having major surgery and came home, and realised in amongst other things that she had stopped calling and messaging.
It was something to do with the fact I would not allow my df to stay over night with dc whilst I was in hospital

Wow she's abusive isn't she?

You could do with a phone just for her for your husband to have.

Well, let's hope she stays quiet for a good while!

They sound as bad as each other tbh. You need to permanently block the pair of them out of your lives and never contact them. She's hideous and pathetic. No words for him.

You don't need them you have a family. Don't let your dsis guilt trip you if you decide to totally go NC.

Ive been on MN for years and this is only the third time I’ve written this - your husband is right.

Your mother is not alone at Christmas, she is with her husband. That’s where she has chosen to be. Its her life.

You can’t rescue people from the logical consequences of their own choices. Who knows, this Christmas could be the catalyst that finally makes her decide that she doesn’t wants to spend the rest of her life like this.

You are doing the right thing putting yourself and your children first. Your mother would be in a better place she followed your example.

I'd be looking forward to a nice quiet 14 months of no contact hopefully op -sorry to be glib and I know its not as easy as that, but how nice would it be to not even have to spare a thought about what you're doing this time next year because you're not in contact with them?

You say you've got copies of your old thread about last year. If you printed out copies of that and your posts on this thread and imagined you were reading posts made by a different mn username, or a letter from a friend, what advice would you give that person? Why (presuming your advice would be along the lines of you are not at fault and shouldn't feel any guilt) don't you feel you deserve the same kindness and reassurance as a stranger or a friend?

You're doing the right thing, it's human nature to waver, but this time next year what post do you want to be writing? another one saying I gave in and saw my "d"p and it was horrendous," or one saying "I stuck to my guns, and yes felt a bit guilty for a few minutes on Christmas day but overall had a lovely time with my family and definitely made the right decision"?

OP said she can come on holiday so thats her option.

This. Your mother is an adult and makes her own decisions. You are not responsible for her wellbeing at Christmas.

That may seem harsh but it is true. She's not under coercive control by the way, if you have offered to help and she won't take that help, that is up to her. Women under coercive control are the ones who can't get out of the situation because they have nobody and nowhere to turn to.

Now would be a good time to change your phone number and not tell her.

I had an epiphany the other day:

People who make bad choices turn themselves into martyrs to justify the position they have put themselves in. Nothing is their fault, not their responsibility, but they must bear the burden. They are saints for putting up with it.

This realisation has really helped me understand the victim / martyr dynamic.

This is so shocking.

Your mother has never been a bystander in the abuse, she has also openly, repeatedly been abusing you for years.

I feel so sorry for your husband too in all of this.

What a dreadful malevolent presence your family is in yours and his life.

Just awful.

I was thinking that too.

This is a great idea. Can you rely on your sister not to pass it on?

Gosh OP - this makes for a horrible read. Please, please, I don't even know you - but I can't bear the thought of you and your family spending Christmas with these awful monsters. You must stop dancing to their tune - and it is 'their' tune. It must stop for the sake of your DC - they've seen enough already. And for you - for your health - you must prioritise yourself. If your mother is the sacrificial lamb in all this, so be it - she is the past, your DCs are the future. Our obligations always are to our DC, not our parents, as they will succeed us and must be given the best opportunity to do so successfully. Not sure if you've read 'it didn't start with you' - worth a read if you haven't.

You've suggested she come with you, she's said no. Therefore it is not your fault if she is on her own with your father, that is the choice she has made. You have to put your children first.

Hi OP. just to offer a bit of a different way of looking at it in case helpful. This thread is concentrating a lot on your childhood, bad relationship with father and his abusiveness. If you take that all away, if you take last year all away, if you take all the awful childhood stuff away, if you take all the background away altogether what are you left with? And I'd say you are left with a daughter who had booked to go away at Christmas and a parent throwing an absolute extreme tantrum about not being able to control what that daughter is doing for one day. one single day. And now blocking you and acting ridiculously childishly over it. I would not expect this or think this behaviour was reasonable from anyone in a normal situation with ok family relations, and that is not even considering the background you supply. You have even offered to take her, which you aren't obliged to do and which she could easily take you up on but has chosen not to.

Just taking these facts as they are, alone, I would say there is no way you are being unreasonable. Noone should expect someone else to just change their plans because their own Christmas arrangement fell through. There is nothing unreasonable in your actions at all. You don't need to justify it in terms of last year or anything else. You are being totally reasonable.

The only situation I would think I would think you migth want to cancel is if you think your mother is in some sort of danger. YOu have not indicated that in this thread so I assume this is not the case. I can imagine some families where the pressure and extra drinking at Christmas could add to troubles or if there is an abusive relationship where the woman was at terrible danger of DV. You haven't indicated that you think this is the current situation, but I would definitely understand your fear of leaving if it were.

I feel uncomfortable about the way a lot of people (strangers) are passing judgement and talking about your mother on here. None of us can know the situation or the people involved. And she sounds like she has not had a good time of it. But she isn't acting fairly towards you in making you feel so bad that you feel you have to give up on everything planned to do things her way.

You are not being unreasonable. (You know this. You just find it hard to feel this.)

You seem to have identified that Christmas is the time you get sucked back into the past and roles and relationships that you don't want to be trapped in. So hopefully with the support of your DH and kids, you can forge a new more positive idea of Christmas and hopefully feel less pressurised about it next year.

My heart goes out to you it really does.
There is so much good advice on this thread, please make today the last day you bother with these vile people. You are lucky, you have your darling children and a loving husband, the rest of your life is about them and you.
Take care of yourself and have a great Christmas xx

As I read your posts I see your strength building and building. You have made the right decision and it needs to be permanent. Your parents (yes, plural) are abusive to you and you must have no contact with them. They continue to try to coercively control you, but you now recognise this. You have a supportive partner & children, they are your future, your responsibility, and you rightly put them first. Do not feel a jot of regret or guilt. You are in the right. Happy Christmas.

@Theskyisfallingdown I hadn't read all the posts. You are of course correct. I've asked for my post to be deleted.

Your mother is every bit as abusive as your father. Picture yourself in her shoes many years ago. Would you have stayed and continued allowing your children to be physically and emotionally abused for their entire childhood? Of course not! No decent, loving mother would!

Stop making excuses for her. She's horrific, and has no business being around your children. I would have gone NC a long time ago. Give yourself, your husband and your children some peace this Christmas and all future Christmases. Block and forget her. She doesn't deserve to be your mother or your children's grandmother.

Your mother is a disgrace trying to emotionally blackmail you when she will be seeing family on Boxing Day anyway and chose to stay with your Dad who has alienated everyone by his vile actions. You should be firm with her.

I don't know if it's so much wanting to watch OP drown as it is her mother wanting that life jacket for herself (ie OP as a shield from her husband's abuse) and she doesn't care if OP drowns as a result.

Yes - to this post OP.
Do send the cheery message and do turn off the phone.

This year is different.

Yep, she's just as toxic as he is, but sneakier. I thought as much.

But she has now given you the best Christmas present, she's blocked you. Fantastic news. Block her right back so she can't yank your chain when she feels like it and then get on with a happy Christmas and future with the people who really love you.

Well said.

Please remember that her blocking you doesn't take away your power, in 3 ways:

1. You never had any power in your family of origin (FOO), because when you were a child your parents held all the power over their children. What power you had came from inside of you, your inner resolve, your refusal to knuckle under, your determination to survive, your actions, strength, love & selflessness in protecting your sister at a cost to yourself. You're a force of nature! Your sister was lucky to have you.
2. You have no power in your parent's relationship & you never will have. It is what it is, & you can't change it. Nobody can. There is no way to put things right.
3. Your power now lies in your own family, not your FOO. You are a fine wife & mother, with a great husband & lovely children. You all love one another & care about one another, taking action to protect each other. Your parents haven't broken the bond between you all, however hard they've tried. Your duty now is to your own family, your strength is needed there & you will find in them the joy you deserved but weren't allowed as a child. This is your power, & your mother cannot take it away.

Her blocking you has pushed you - temporarily! - back into feeling as you felt when you were truly trapped in the FOO situation, when you genuinely were in their power & were fighting against it for your own survival as a person. But you're not still there, & gradually you will build new habits & ways of viewing things. Yes, it sucks that you can be pushed back into those feelings, but they will pass & I can assure you from decades of experience that the longer you spend away from an abusive situation, the less power it has over you & the more normality becomes the norm!

I think you should detach yourself from your sister's way of thinking - if she wants to do Xmas every other year with your parents - that's her lookout. Doesn't mean you have to fill in the other years - you don't need to 'manage' your parents. You can do as you effing well please! As can any other adult at Xmas - nobody is obligated to do anything at Xmas or spend it with anyone. Your parents failed at the very basic role of being parents - the number one rule - they didn't keep you safe - you don't owe them diddly squat, not at Xmas nor at any other time.