My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

I came here to post this exact thing, practically word for word!!

@Venetiaparties

This IS a win for you. It means that your mum knows exactly why you have made your decision without you having to lay your 'soul' bare to her and you know what her response would have been without having to listen to her lies and histrionics.

Now, just drop that rope. Drop it and kick it off the pier so you can't pick it up again. Your mum has, in essence, made your decision for you. Enjoy the holidays and your trip in peace and love with your DH and children.

I am so glad this thread has given you the strength and clarity to do what is right for you.
Her blocking you is a sign of manipulation.
Your sister is a different person, suffered in a different way and maybe your protecting her has helped her be stronger now. you both need to respect each other positions.
Have a wonderful Christmas, try to remove the thought of them. Your mum has made her choice and you need to the same.

You are very brave

She's chosen him over you again.

This is good, it gives you the space to breathe and plan a wonderful Christmas away with your family.

A new start, hold it tightly and run, don't look back.

OP, she is also abusive.

I hope you can begin to understand this, that both your parents are toxic and to be avoided.

It's tragic that she won't leave him but your priority is to your children, your mother is an adult and has made her choices a long time ago. Lead by example and don't spend Christmas with an abusive man because your Mum can't leave him.

Look, OP, fuck your mum and her blocking/guilt trips. My empathy for women who stay with a man who is beating their children and does nothing but drink herself into numbness is less than zero.

You don't need either of them for anything.

If she is giving you the silent treatment, actually that takes the pressure off you. I'm sure silence is easier to cope with than listening to her crying and trying to manipulate you.

Please don't back down - if you go to see your parents on Christmas Day, it will send everyone involved (including your DDs) the very clear message that what he did last Christmas was pardonable.

The blocking is designed to make you question yourself. The whole idea is that you will start to worry and then make moves to contact her in another way, by which point you are feeling so guilty that you will do whatever it takes to make her "love" you again.

The best thing you can do right now is nothing. If you feel the urge to get a message to her another way - don't. Instead write it in a letter that you don't send. Pour all those feelings out on paper (or type it, whatever).

If you continue to ignore her the next step will be flying monkeys (probably your sister or another relative) who will contact you to tell you how upset your mum is by your behaviour, and telling you to get in touch and apologise.

When that fails the next thing will be an "illness".

There's a reason they call it The Script.

Stay strong.

OP I'm afraid I think your mother is just as awful as your father. I wonder how much she enjoyed seeing you humiliated and hurt by him.

By blocking you she's trying to really really hurt you. She knows your weak spots and is putting her knife in exactly that spot.

Does a loving person do that? Does a victim do that?

I wish so much that you could cut BOTH these evil cunts out of your life 100% and never have any contact with either again.

Have a lovely Christmas with your family this year and every year. You can't fix the past, but can make the future.

'I know better, but sometimes the fog gets the better of me.'

Oh how I can relate to this! You are getting there, you are starting to seriously detach from your parents, and no doubt your DH's clarity and support is helping no end. Your father's behaviour is utterly vile, and your mother's behaviour is not much better

I see now she has blocked you. All very well for people to say that you should be relieved and how great it is that you dont have to deal with her, but it's not that simple, is it? She's not an annoying neighbour or acquaintance, she's your own mother, and I know that this HURTS. This level of rejection and callousness from your own parent is shocking and heartbreaking and can feel annihilating. Please allow yourself to feel whatever comes up for you over the next few days

You've had loads of excellent advice about prioritising yourself and your own family over Christmas, and I would suggest carrying that on as a new habit for next year. And I would highly recommend therapy - don't underestimate how dark and sad and scary all this stuff is, and having professional support to navigate your way through can be invaluable

This has really opened my eyes.

Who blocks their child for spending Christmas elsewhere??

Yes she did block me before, I was in hospital having major surgery and came home, and realised in amongst other things that she had stopped calling and messaging.
It was something to do with the fact I would not allow my df to stay over night with dc whilst I was in hospital (I don't trust him for obvious reasons) she came to stay and left early siting it was too tiring, and dh had to frantically arrange for friends to have dc and then she stopped talking to me altogether for 14 solid months and stated that she thought I would be angry with her for leaving me in the lurch and she 'couldn't face me'. It was one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever done to me in my life time. It was wounding. I went through the entire recovery without a single text from her and well beyond.

I am stunned we are here again.
But maybe I shouldn't be.

I am trying to keep myself safe and she keeps ripping away the life vest, or that is how it feels.

This is going to sound awful but your mother has made her bed and she will have to lay in it. She has made the choice to stay with her abusive husband many times over. I am also the daughter of an abusive man but with a nice mother and I've seen this happen and it's hard but that's her choice. She chooses him over you every single time she times to emotionally blackmail you into visiting BOTH of them on Christmas. You gave her options to visit without the abusive parent and she decided against it. If she's left crying on Christmas morning I have no sympathy for her. I'm sorry I've said it before and I will say it again. To choose to stay with an abusive partner who abused you and your own children is to be a "just little bit okay" with abuse. There is a line you must draw between being a sad victim of domestic violence and just choosing that life style where you're no longer a victim. She has supportive family who would help her leave but instead of leaving she's trying to force them to deal with her terrible husband which is completely unreasonable! Your mother is definitely over the line of choosing the life style. She's enabling the abuse well into your adulthood which is ridiculous. You don't have to choose that.

Sadly many victims of DV have to hit absolute rock bottom before they leave. For my mother is was her husband laughing at her while she was suffering from a horrible stomach virus and him punching her in the stomach while she was vomiting.

Your mother isn't at rock bottom yet but maybe having a sad lonely Christmas will get her there. Hopefully she doesn't have to be humiliated like my mother to leave him.

That is so true, she hopes I will question myself and then give in to her demands.
She has the big guns out now.

Blocking me is a form of attack, and the last resort when the crying didn't work.

I am really shocked, I know I shouldn't be as it has happened before, but I feel she has got the last boot in. The final turning of the knife. The message feels clear, if you are not going to do things our way you won't exist at all.

This is just the saddest thing to read. I'm so very sorry that you were treated so badly by your Father and let down so badly by your Mother. Please go away with your lovely family, far away, turn off your phone and give that poor little girl that is still inside you the Christmas she always wished for. She deserves it, you deserve it. Your parents deserve nothing.

'I am stunned we are here again.
But maybe I shouldn't be.'

It's the hope that kills you. You can't really believe that your own parent could be so fucking heartless and self-centred, so you doubt yourself and you keep on believing that it will all get better, and one day she will really see you and hear you and value you. And it doesn't happen. It's utter shit OP. I'm so sorry

Sadly your Mum is just as abusive to you as your father.

She is happy to throw you and your DC under a bus to make her life nicer.

Reading this thread has brought up so many unpleasant memories of my childhood, my mother was very physically and emotionally abusive to me. I sometimes wonder why I didn’t grieve for either of my parents when they died within months of each other fairly recently.
My father never said a word to stop her, not one. I was brought up, eldest of three, to believe I was a ‘confounded nuisance’, ‘unloveable’ and compared to her friend’s DD who apparently was the paragon of virtue.
I had FOG all my life, I’m nearly 70 now and finally free.
Your mother is complicit in your father’s abusive behaviour, even to the point of redirecting his dreadful behaviour towards you and away from her- how utterly disgusting is that?
Stand firm OP, your DH sounds amazing.

I’ve only read your posts OP, not the whole thread, and I am cheering you on. You are so so brave! Bloody well done.

Well now I've changed my stance. I'm sorry but your mother is abusive to. That's awful to come to that conclusion. I wish you well. I hope you have people who love you and will look out for you. That's really hard.

Yes I really didn't think she could do this again.

She takes away my power. I don't know how she does it, but every time I start to feel stronger she does something like this.

I just can not fathom how any parent could block their child. It is beyond my comprehension. There is nothing my children could ever do to make me to block them.

Well, I am not getting in touch again. This is pretty shocking to me, even by my family's standards. WTAH.

I can see more clearly now what many of you have been saying about her, this is really bad.

Haven't read the full thread, just your replies OP. I just want to give you a great big hug, it is so difficult when we are trying to protect our own children from people we love but we know that they are not safe.

You are not responsible for your mother's choices or her feelings. I suspect that her tears were Crocodile tears. You need to put your children's wellbeing above your mother's happiness. I have had to do it with my own family of origin and my children. Its so so hard, but necessary. You are the castle wall, hold your ground, protect your children.

I must pick up my kids. I will be back.
I wanted to say thank you to everyone on here that has taken the time to reply and to help me through this. I don't know where I would be (probably at my parents house for round 2) so thank you for every single post.

Your mother keeps pulling your life jacket away because she wants to watch you drown.

The thing about putting the boot in is that you want, so badly, to respond to it.
But you don't have to. You don't have to accept the responsibility she's trying to push on you, which is the ownership of the current bit of drama.

It's OK to see it, to acknowledge it, and then to just say no thank you, I'm not carrying that weight. Your parents have made it clear that they're not prepared to carry it. That doesn't mean you automatically have to.

This.