My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

My sister's MIL is very ill, I don't think she has the time or headspace to worry about my parents this year. The hospital have withdrawn all treatment and they are just hoping to get her MIL to Scotland for xmas.

I am not sure my sister has escaped it all, she has definitely filed it away somewhere and ignores his comments and pretends she can't hear him. It seems to work for her. She puts up with him for her kids, she says, and I always want to scream but why would you want him as a grandparent, how are you depriving your children of gps when he is just so horrible. But she thinks having a gp is more important than no gp no matter what they are like.

We have left it, and agreed not to talk about it, as she gets so upset when I talk about the past and what happened to us, she can't talk about it, she will say but you were a very difficult baby Ven and never slept and defends my parents to the hilt. We were difficult children, that is what it has been filed under.

Oh OP that fog is terrible. Forgive yourself though, you've been in it a long time and you have had an amazing wake-up today.

I'm sorry but your mother is a fucking bitch. I understand it is going to take you a while to really realise this. I read the post by @Fladdermus and it was so similar to my experience. My "father" was alcoholic and my "mother" was the victim, she loved all the attention she got from her family. He was terrible, but she shifted ALL the blame for everything that ever went wrong on to him. He stopped drinking when I was a teenager but was always explosive and self-centred after.

Her family thought she was a saint. But her treatment of me was horrible, and if I ever said anything it was suggested that she was stuck in the situation with her selfish husband "where would I go", and nothing was her fault, she had so much on her plate, I wasn't to give her a hard time etc.

Then he died, she played the grieving wife perfectly, and then set to ramp up her nasty behaviour which had been hidden in his shadow. Looking back, I can see that she was behind so many horrific things that happened in my childhood. My therapist says this isn't unusual, and certainly from other posters on this thread it seems to be relatively common unfortunately.

As others have said, perhaps put some fresh therapy for yourself high up the priority list. You might consider blocking your family over the Christmas period, for me it's been very useful that my phone ringing isn't likely to be more family stress on the way, but far more likely to be a positive thing.

As to writing, be careful. Again, as advised perhaps write a message but don't send it. These people will use everything against you. I thought perhaps my "mother" might be different and see my pain. No. They're all the same I'm afraid.

@Venetiaparties If you do decide to text, please don't do it until your OH is there with you, only do it if you feel it will in some way help you to send it (not because you hope it will change your parents in some way, or make them understand or truly acknowledge you, because it won't - if anything, you may be giving them something they can hurt you with). And stop answering your phone/messages today. Not xmas day. Now. This morning is unlikely to be the end of it. Block them if you can. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, and you've had a taster today of what's coming if you stick to your decision not to see them.

I don’t give advice on situations I don’t understand but OP your situation is the same as mine was growing up and having my own children. I used to put up with my father for the sake of my mother. It wasn’t until my father made one of my children cry that I decided never to have contact with him again. Many tears from my mother about the impact on her, but she always had the opportunity to leave/divorce him. She preferred to be a married woman. Soon my mum realised that she was not going to get a joint invite with him and started coming on her own. Please put your children first.

Oh God I remember your thread from last year. Your father is a vile hideous abuser and your mother is no better, as she enables the abuse by standing by and doing nothing, as she has always done, from when you were a small, defenceless child.

She has never stood up for you, never protected you. She is an excuse for a mother.

Why would you even contemplate returning to that hell hole this Christmas?

Don't change your plans. Switch your phones off and just concentrate on having a fabulous Christmas with your lovely DH and DC.

Let your vile so called "parents" rot in hell. You do not need to feel guilty. They do not deserve you.

Your 'D'F has proven time and time again that he is an abusive twat

Your 'D'M has proven time and time again that she enables an abusive twat

It sounds like you have given your mother many chances / opportunities to leave your abusing father. She has chosen not to.

I remember your post from last Christmas, your parents are horrific.
Your parents do not deserve to have you in their lives.

Go on holiday. Book the next 5 Christmases away. Protect yourself and your DC. If you don't feel strong enough, defer to your DH, he sounds like a lovely man.

Do not cancel your trip and ditch the guilt, it is one day!

I think my mother has blocked me.
I actually can't believe this.

Usually she picks up our messages immediately always as she is retired. But no it is not even delivering. I sent another to see if is delivered and it hasn't.

I had sent a moderate message saying I hope she is okay, and obv after last year we won't be seeing them but I hope she can organise something lovely nonetheless.

It might be true to form, but it has still shocked me. It looks like I am in for a very long stint of silent treatment again. The last time she did this, she didn't speak to me for 14 months. Seriously.

I repeat what I said in my last message. But I do really really sympathise.
I had years of regular silent treatment, it's so horrible.
Do yourself a favour and block her back while you do some processing. Hugs.

She is not your responsibility.

You say it yourself. You can't make her leave him.

You also should not put your or your kids in the position of having to deal with an abuser.

If anything, leaving her to stew for christmas might be the the tipping point. Or it might not. But its not your problem.

She never protected you or looked out for you when she should have so don't feel guilty for the one christmas you've already made plans.

Go and enjoy christmas and let her deal with her own crap.

Your husband is right.

Unfortunately your mother, by staying with your father, must live with the consequences.

Do not cancel your holiday!

I think my mother has blocked me.

I would count that as a win.

Please listen to the excellent advice on here and stop pandering to her.

OP I haven’t read all the thread but I just wanted to chip in and say you are so brave and strong. You have stood up to them and made the decision to protect your children, and also yourself. It must have been so difficult. Please remember that your mum is not your child, she is not your responsibility, and don’t let her make you feel like she is. She enabled your abuse. Please please stick with your decision no matter how much emotional manipulation she throws your way. Remember why you’re doing this and who you’re doing it for. If your mum doesn’t talk to you as a result that really is her choice. You might want to consider going NC with both of them, they’re toxic.

I’m sorry she’s blocked you OP but if she’s done that she’s obviously manipulative herself

Ok, but you are not the You that you were 14 months ago. You are the You that has US now. You have your H and what you went through last Christmas is still etched on your heart.

Take control, she may have started this NC, but you can embrace it. she has made it easy for you. Block her right back. Tell H and the kids too. Circle your waggons

I know you are feeling fear now, but you don't need to be afraid, nothing bad will happen. You are in control of what happens to you, to your dds and what happens in your life.

She KNOWS. she KNOWS what she did, what he did, what she actually led him to your room to do. She is putting her hands over her ears singing LALALA at the top of her lungs because the alternative would be to hear you, to hear that you know what she did was cruel and wrong.

This is more abuse, but it looks different because it's covert. Do you see that? she is with him because she wants to be and it gives her the opportunity to have ou running around begging for acceptance all the while she kicks the puppy that you are.

Are you alone right now? have you got anyone who could be with you?

@Venetiaparties is getting the silent treatment from them really so bad?

(I get the emotional manipulation and the power dynamic that's at play here, and it's obvious just how well it's working. You've been blocked as punishment and you're feeling it, even though you've done nothing wrong. Your mother had a tantrum and didn't get her own way. It's as simple as that.)

Maybe it's time to take charge and put your own block in place, then you can choose when and if you will allow contact again.

I think you're seeing your mum for who she truly is now. It's so shocking and hard to bear. I think that 14 months of silent treatment you're in for is a blessing. I'd be tempted to make it permanent.

She’s done you a favour.
Your Dad isn’t the only abusive one

She’s made her bed let her lie on it read some of thread to know enough another toxic cow as a parent. You have the best Christmas ever and don’t feel guilty either. Hugs.

It's one day. How does the poor woman cope the other 364?
I wouldn't change your holiday, I would be (secretly) signposting organisations who can help her leave him and support her to do so.

Well you don't have to speak to her then. Her choice.

I assume she still has a line of communication with you sister, so if there is anything you need to know you can get that from your sister. But maybe limit your discussions about your parents with your sister about any serious health issues your DM may have in the future.

she can't talk about it, she will say but you were a very difficult baby Ven and never slept and defends my parents to the hilt. We were difficult children, that is what it has been filed under

I hope her own dc are angels then, if she thinks this is how you parent "difficult" children.

If your mother has blocked you and has form for blocking you then she is to some extent complicit in your abuse, and although she suffers herself from your father's treatment, I think you need to perhaps look at this a bit differently than "my poor mum".

Particularly as last time she blocked you for 14 months!!!

That's not the action of an innocent party.

I am not under any illusions, I am being punished now for not buckling.

It is a unique feeling being ignored by your own mother, for simply choosing not to be elsewhere at xmas. It is a crushing feeling, like it is not enough for her to put me with this with my dad, but she can also choose to withdraw her love and communication at any time when I don't tow the line. It feels exceptionally cruel and callous of her. She knows how hard last year was.

The blocking does feel like it is designed to take my power away and remind me what she can and will cut me off any day at any time she feels like it - or I don't do as I am told.

You are not responsible for her happiness or her plans. She is an adult. She is allowed to be upset, and you can sympathise with that but don't change your plans. Just reasssure her you look forward to seeing her when you get back and will have a big Christmas get together then.

People set too much store by the day itself. Important for DC, but as long as you see family some time over Christmas, it doesn;t matter when. The occasional Christmas alone is inevitable once DC are grown. I don't think we ever had any of my grandparents to stay over Christmas Day itself, and we rarely visited them.