My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

Copy it to your sister so there is no confusion.

I think that you could also tell her you will not be used as a buffer by her so your father abuses you, anymore.

I would also not answer your phone for an extended period.

Do not allow her to use you to cry hysterically at you.

Chatting it through with your husband first would be wise too.

In your own time.

She will reframe it, because she knows that narrative casts her in the light she wants to be considered in, and because it gives her a weapon to wield against you.

The truth is though, that the power you think she has over you is just a psychological trick reliant on you buying into it. It doesn’t really exist. You’re not a powerless child any more, and you never have to be again. As frightening as it is to realise this, it can also be liberating. You’re standing up and claiming your own power, which you do have. And it is your power, it isn’t hers. You may not have loving and supportive parents, but you are surrounded by a supportive and loving family. That is your fairytale realised, and you already have it.

I am sure she is busy telling anyone that will listen that we have been very selfish and left them alone.

Who cares if she does? The only people's opinions you should care about are your own, your DH's, and your children's.

I agree with a PP above that you should CC in your sister so she knows exactly where you are coming from. AND if anyone should dare to 'reprimand' you for leaving your parents on their own I'd tell them the unvarnished truth about just why you've made that decision. Not to defend yourself, because you need no defense.

Remember JADE; never Justify, Argue/Apologize, Defend, or Explain.

@Venetiaparties I recall your thread about the home movies and your parents last year. This new situation must be hard, emotionally.

A couple of things stand out for me. The first is that you, your DH and your children must not endure your father again - not Christmas, not the rest of the year. Never again.

The second, is that it sounds as if your DH would have to restrain himself from physically harming your father if they end up in the same house. And no one could blame him.

After all, didn't your father wait for the one moment DH was out (was walking the dog?) last year to launch his attack on you? So I really feel for your DH - he knows he wasn't there to intervene last time, and wants a lovely Christmas for you, him and your children. He shouldn't have to deal with this asshole again.

And your mother won't leave him, won't come with your for Christmas but crucially, wouldn't even stay in the room when he started on your last year. Not a word did she say. Just left the room. It's chilling. And I know abuse is very complex but this does temper my view of her and the need to do anything to make her happy - sorry.

Your father is a viscious old prick of an abuser who has learnt nothing, nor tempered his toxically impaired mind in the years since your childhood. He places no value on family and does not deserve to have any semblance of a Merry family Christmas.

Please, please, don't cancel your trip.

Last straw with my mother was when she moved house hundreds of miles away and didn't give me any info about her new house/address. I was absolutely cut to the core.

She had previous, low level passive aggressive stuff that was explained away and I was gaslit to fuck, history re-written etc etc - and of course you don't want the truth to be true, so you go along with it. Critical dad, she stood by whuke he destroyed my self-esteem but nothing like what you have suffered @Venetiaparties

That last straw was it tho, she ended up replying to my 'i don't understand why you did that' email with 'well we were never that close' those words will forever remain in my memory. I'll look forward to using them if she ever needs anything from me.

The re-writing of history is classic, I had all kinds of people telling me how wonderful it was that she had done x y and z for me when I so very much needed it. all pure invention! She had done the literal opposite.

I tell everyone the truth, sad thing is that the truth is so awful, nobody believes me. The fact that the lies she told are what normal people would do, so she knows what she did was wrong. Even now, 9 years on my uncle still asks if I had any contact with her. I should have taken the opportunity to clarify exactly what happened again last year when there were no other family around, but I didn't. I will be really clear in front of family this year if I need to, everyone is now old enough to process it and my ds knows it all.

Yes to texting her. Yes to telling her why you are staying away, yes to telling her that you will never again allow her or anyone to make you feel like you did then again, or to deny or whitewash over it. Tell her that she has time to make plans with her husband and that you hope she has a nice time.

You can do this, you really can. I was alone going through all this, you have your DH. If I can do this alone, you can do this with your loving family around you.

Please be prepared that that anger may build anyway. Once you see something, as you have now with her, you may not be able to ignore it.

Not to be that person but she’s had many christmas’ before this and will probably have more in the future. Not sure why she’s throwing a fit over this particular one.

Your mum is a victim of your dad. I don't doubt that. But she, and I've been there, expects you to take some of that abuse to make it easier on her. Not only did she not protect you, doesn't stand up for you or your children. But she is actively expecting you to put yourself between her and the man she allowed to abuse you.

Your mum may be a victim of your dad, but YOU are a victim of your MUM and DAD.

Go on your trip. Don't ruin your Christmas because of your mum.

OP, there's a technique which is to write a letter to someone & then not send it/destroy it. That's one option here. It can be powerful for the writer.

If you do write & send it, please accept that it probably won't change anything on her side. And you will never be able to make her see & acknowledge the truth. Her whole life is based on lies, avoidance & covering up.

A smear campaign is often used when someone goes NC, & something like it might be used here when you don't provide human shields at Christmas. Your parents may need to lie to people when asked what they did for Christmas, or if they saw the family over the festive season. Often, a twisted version of the truth is used, or a half-truth (leaving out the bits that incriminate them). The object is always to cover up the truth, put you in a bad light & make them appear innocent. You may not find out what was said for years. For me, it took decades! Thankfully, the relative who told me said, "I knew that couldn't be all there was to it."

What I'm trying to say is, write it down if it'll help you. Send it if you want to, but without any expectation that what you write to her will magically make things right or actually improve things at all.

She will likely reframe things and bat it back to you.

But so what if you are being selfish & having the Christmas that you & your family want?

Your family have a right to choose as well!

So aren't you being selfless by sticking with your plan with your husband & kids rather than fucking them over for your Mum?

Well yes.

Not sure how long she has been married, but if this is the first Christmas just her & her husband I think that she has had a pretty good run so far!

Yes you remember it really well. My dh and I had a game plan on how to manage my Dad for the two hours we were going to be there last year. My dh literally took the dogs out so briefly and unbelievably my Dad jumped up and said now was a great time for the movie. Obviously I had no idea what was coming next. I expected a video of toddlers and Christmas or something sweet. I sat there rooted to the spot and frozen when I saw what he had put on.
It was grim. So grim.
He would not turn it off.
He would not.
Dh came back to us getting our shoes on with ashen faces in the hall.
He pulled over so I could be sick on the way home.
Dh clenched jaw was the only giveaway visually but he was so angry. He kept saying your dad had one chance, one chance and he did that. Kind of incredulous.

So yes, imagining that I am going to do this again this year, I feel a little silly for posting. Because when I really now think about it, I can't believe I even considered it when mum was crying this morning.

I know better, but sometimes the fog gets the better of me.

You really need to work on looking after yourself OP. Your DM is fortunate to have a relationship with you at all. You shouldn't have any guilt about anything.

You absolutely should not have to spend time with someone who abused you as a child. It shouldn't even be a fleeting consideration.

Even without the history you've shared here I wouldn't be encouraging anyone whose mother had lost it over her adult children having their own lives and plans at Christmas to change to suit them.

She sounds like she still has a lot of growing up to do and put her DC first.

Yes to texting her. Yes to telling her why you are staying away, yes to telling her that you will never again allow her or anyone to make you feel like you did then again, or to deny or whitewash over it. Tell her that she has time to make plans with her husband and that you hope she has a nice time.

I agree with @MzHz and curcially, with the other poster who said turn your phone off while you're away. Don't let crying calls spoil Christmas Day from afar.

Time may well come when you feel ready to think and talk through your mothers part in this.

For now, detach, have your Christmas with dh and the children. Make a wonderful new tradition of a peaceful, happy day.

I remember your thread from last year. Stay strong. You can do this. And please turn off your phone over Christmas. Sending best wishes.

Best wishes OP. You’ve made the right decision!!

You poor thing.
Just never ever go near him again ...what a cruel vindictive man.
As for your mother...I do feel for someone so caught up in years of abuse, but you know the saying "put your own mask on before helping others"...well you need to put your own mask on first...go on your trip, have a lovely time with your friends and own little family.
You can "help" your mum when you get back...by just doing something with her.
But please please never ever subject yourself to being triggered by him again...you deserve better,you are worthy of the love and stability and acceptance you get from your dh, and friends.

Someone above commented that you are in a guilt cycle - this is 100% accurate. Your mother feels guilt and obligation to your father, you feel guilt and obligation towards your mother - the only people not feeling guilty are your sister (and family) who seems to have escaped your father's abuse, and your father.

Break the cycle. You and your family deserve better.

I don't think I have anything new to add here, just wanted to give you my support and let you know that you are absolutely right in not enabling your parents' cruelty towards you or allowing yourself to be manipulated by your mother who stands by and allows your poor treatment at the hands of your father.

I know you wrote her a message but I wouldn't send it; she's not going to come round to your way of thinking because she's made her life choices and is only interested in having you there to take some of the heat off her. Not your job. You are not there to save her. She wasn't and isn't there to save you. You can have sympathy for her without trying to clean up the mess from her own bad decisions that have got her to where she is now. (I have a similar situation in my family where one of my parents' siblings is in the exact relationship you describe and has been for decades. Only now they are in their 70s and their poisonous partner has dementia which is causing their facade to slip to outsiders can they admit what a terrible partner they have - but I still doubt they will ever admit to or try to compensate for all the harm their decision to be in that relationship caused to the family as a whole.)

Your only role is to make sure YOU have a great Christmas with your wonderful, supportive DH and kids. Enjoy it and don't spend a second feeling guilty because your mother made poor life choices and decided to stay with a poisonous man whose behaviour she actively enables. You are brave and strong and absolutely right to put your needs first so you can care for your own family.

I remember your post last year OP... I admire your resolve not to see them, not to cancel your plans. Please stay strong.

Your Mum has many options if she wants them - she doesn't want them, she (I am sure subconciously) wants someone else to share in her suffering.

If she genuinely wanted a bolthole away from him she could book a hotel, she could tell him she's going away and house sit for you or your sister, she has SO many options... she doesn't want that.

Stay strong!

Your mother is an adult with choices not a small child. She should not be emotionally manipulating you and your sister who both deserve a nice Christmas away from her husband. If she wants the same then she knows where the door is. She must have some very serious issues to have stayed with an abuser and I wonder if her mo is to be overly dependent and guilt trip her children making herself the victim instead of them. Have a nice Christmas op and don’t feel bad for her in the slightest.

You are doing so well Venetiaparties, SO WELL. KOKO, much strength to you.

Do what you want to do. You do not need to fix this.