My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

I don't need to 'fix' my mum's Christmas by throwing myself and my children under my father's bus (again) dm is old enough to organise something special if she wants to. There are plenty of things happening where they live and she could book something. But she won't because she would rather be the aggrieved victim that has been 'left' on her own at Christmas, she WILL have a god awful Christmas because she believes that will teach us a lesson for leaving her.

All of how your DM behaves - ALL of it - is her choice. She knows enough about how the behaviour to which you've been exposed impacts you (to the point of apologising for it) and she knows that the behaviour to which you continue to be exposed by your father is wrong. And she chooses not to do anything about it.

She knows she has choices in terms of where she spends her Christmas and even whether or not to stay in her marriage. And she chooses not to change anything.

Like an addict, you can't change anything for them unless they are prepared to change themselves. You can only stop yourself being dragged down with them.

I hope you have a peaceful and happy Christmas with your DH and children. You absolutely deserve it

Lots of good advice here and I’ve nothing new to add except to wish you, your husband and children a very happy Christmas. Your DH and DC are your family and you will be with them for Christmas, where you are safe and loved.

It is a good plan to put your phone away on Christmas Day. Remember to do the same with DH and the DC’s phones if your parents have their contact details. They will try to contact you and ruin you day from afar by some means or another, possibly via your sister. Send your ‘merry Christmas’ messages on Christmas Eve and give the phones to DH to put away. Block numbers if necessary.

I remember your previous post about the video. It made me sick to think that someone could be that, well, inhuman to their own child.

As far as your mum, you need to remember that she willingly put her children between herself and her abusive husband. By refusing to leave, by refusing to defend her children she made you all her 'shield' because she knew if she'd raised hell his anger would have been turned on her. And I'm sorry, her MH 'fragility' does not absolve her from doing this.

You, on the other hand, have chosen to put yourself between your abusive father and your own children. You've chosen to protect them (and yourself) from further torment and abuse. This is what someone does who loves their children more than themselves.

Your mother is responsible for her own hell. She chose it when she didn't leave when you were children, and she is choosing to stay in it. This is NOT your responsibility. No one expects someone to rush into a burning house or a busy motorway to rescue someone who is willingly standing in the middle of it refusing to walk to safety. I know how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship, I've been there. But it can be done. I know because I did it.

You are right to put yourself and your family first. You are right not to pander to this abusive bastard. You have offered your mother an alternative and her answer is to want to drag you back into an abusive situation. Again, putting herself and what she wants ahead of what she knows is best for you. Don't let her do this.

I do agree with your sister that she shouldn't have to host them every year. But that doesn't mean you have to alternate years. It just means that every other year your mother will be given the same choice, come to us by yourself or stay at home. And your sister needs to respect that.

The problem is that you do know, and you’re not actually faced away from it, and nor are you in denial. You’re turned towards it already, looking around it but not meeting it’s proverbial eyes. It’s right there, and it’s not going away. You’re not avoiding damage by not looking at it eye to eye, all you’re doing it changing the way in which it is inflicted.

As difficult as it may be to truly face it, is it actually going to be less difficult than what you’re experiencing now?

My sister says every kid was beaten when we were young, and every family had a tyrant for a father. Our lives were not exceptional and at least he paid the bills (I know her standards are not so high!) and he didn't leave us (So wish he had) and she forgives him because she doesn't need to hold grudges.

She does say that it was worse for me, as the older child he saw me as being able to withstand more, she was slighter and small for her age. I also would protect her by hiding her behind the bed or under the quilt and tell her to lie dead still. We could hear his running footsteps on the stairs so we had seconds before he would burst in. He also found her more compliant and like my mother. I was always the 'difficult' one.

One day I picked up a heavy brass lamp and hit him with it as he attacked me as young teenager. I don't know what made me do it. I was scared he would kill me and I acted instinctively. I already had scars on my face from the last beating, and I did not want another one. Vanity perhaps! He never touched me again, but unleashed a different kind of cruelty after that. One that has been harder to bear in some ways. Harder to prove, and harder to stop.

I remember your posts from last year and I think the most saddening part for me was your DM walking away and leaving you and your DCs to it. Her own DD and DGCs.

Your DH sounds wonderful, stay strong for your DCs.

I don't think I can totally look at what she has done if I am honest. I am not ignoring the posts talking about her part in this, only suggesting that if I do I might see something unseeable. Unbearable.

A good therapist can help you unpack this carefully and in a safe and right way. It is very hard to come to terms with, let alone accept the knowledge of what someone has done to us - someone from whom we had every right to expect protection and love - but it can be done.

My poor love, you know that it's not just him who is abusing you, right? SHE too is allowing you to be abused, would allow your DC to be hurt and just turn the other cheek.

The Shit fit she is having now is abuse too, it's an attempt at manipulation and control. you know this. you really do, but it's hard to accept. I know this.

Just as you protect your girls, you have to protect yourself. Your mother is not your problem. that is the Fear, Obligation and Guilt that she has conditioned you to live with to get what she wants. On some level, her needs are being met by being with your dad.

Another way to look at it, and potentially even respond to her is that while she insists on using you as a mask from his toxicity, it creates a false reality and perpetuates the lie that she has an acceptable relationship, or that he is in any way a decent human being. She doesn't and he isn't. Neither of these issues are your problem.

"After last year mum where he attacked me and you let him, we're choosing to be anywhere else than under that roof. If you don't like it stop enabling his behaviour"

@Venetiaparties YOU need to take yourself off to your mind's kitchen now, leave her with him and let her be miserable. She is reaping what she has sown.

Please let your H lead this, you're too much at risk from the F.O.G.

Your sister has coped in her way and you need to cope in yours . There is little point in comparing

OP, you don't have to look at your mother's part in this, yet. When the time is right, you can look at it. Don't feel under any pressure. Realisations will probably spring up naturally, & you can deal with them when they do. All of this is progress away from the bad stuff & into a better future. You've suffered a lot & you're doing brilliantly.

Well done, also, for finding & marrying a wonderful man who is insightful & cares deeply for you & your children. You broke the pattern of the past - not everyone gets to do that or is able to. (I found a similar guy & am so thankful that I did.)

You are feeling guilty due to the childhood trauma you have experienced.

Your mother is aware of how your father is, and how he has treated you and your children and yet has choosen to remain with him. She has made her bed, she can lie it.

OP, you have come so far in hours!

Well done.

Don't worry about dealing with the enormity of your mothers knowing sacrifice of you.

You don't have to face that today, or even this year.

But eventually you probably will.

That will be when you are ready to be very honest with yourself about what you have gone through.

That will be when you really begin to heal and move forward, like other posters.

Take your time.

As you get older, the need to be truly honest with yourself will only grow, as part of wanting to heal.

For the moment be happy that you will not subject your children to your father's abuse EVER AGAIN.

Excellent idea to turn your phone off.

Totally get this. I really struggled once I realised my mum wasn’t innocent in it all. My whole life felt like it was based on lies. And not only that, I doubted my own ability to judge situations. If I’d got this so wrong, could I be trusted with anything? Lots of therapy later, I’m glad I faced it.

This.

One step at a time.

Focus on your family throughout this season - You, your DH and your children.

Healing can only come through loving and protecting the child you were. You can do that by loving and protecting yourself now, so that you can, in turn, love and protect your children.

So your dm thought Venetia can take this abuse, she'll still love me so I can direct my dh's wrath towards her. She doesn't matter as much as me and dc2.
How do I know this?
Because whilst not on the same scale my own dm has always sacrificed me first.
She sees me as the capable one who doesn't get upset.
Db and I didn't get wedding invitations one year.
Dm's exact words.
I can't understand why your db didn't get an invite.
Me. I didn't get one either.
Dm. Yes, but nobody likes you.

I have made a decision to text her and actually tell her why we are not seeing her.

It feels like last year has been buried (like everything else) and I am expected to pretend last year never happened.

It might be empowering to tell her that last year was so awful, so damaging and so upsetting - and she did absolutely nothing to stop him - and left me to it. That there is no way I can even think about seeing her this Christmas or any future one for that matter. It might be best she organised her Christmases early and without us in mind going forward.

I feel it needs to be said, I am not sure I have the courage to send it.

For some reason I don't want her to reframe this as we have selfishly booked to go away and leave her, when the whole reason we are going away is to get away from them, because they are appalling and abusive. Not for any other reason.

I don't want the truth to be buried. I am sure she is busy telling anyone that will listen that we have been very selfish and left them alone.

oh wow. i am so sorry, its way worse than I thought.

my love, ys it is unbearably painful to look at this, and her part in your unhappy and abusive childhood. But he would not have been able to get away with any of it if she had protected you as you are protecting your DC.

this subject IS extremely difficult to face, I know how hard it was to face the past I had with my parents, it cuts deep and is excruciating to look at. Yes you will get angry, you need to! Only then can you feel that anger you had a child, process and express it and then let it go. I urge you to take whatever money you would spend on these people at Christmas and use it to buy therapy for yourself. You won't look back.

Your sister is sadly a lost cause at this time, she is too far into the FOG to help you or validate your experience. this is a journey you will need to take alone.

We're here. You know this, please keep posting if it helps.

Don't change your plans, double down on them. You're 'away' till the new year. Leave her to it. if she's miserable with him, its because she wants to be.

You are not responsible for her happiness.

I also think you should make it clear that you are not prepared to allow your daughters to be subjected to this man's abuse, or to witness his abuse of you.

She’s a horrible enabler at best. A really telling question is ‘What about my feelings?’. Because people like her don’t actually care how you feel- it will always be about them.

Write it down and then wait for 3 or 4 days before you send it. Then read back through it and see how you feel.
You're not obliged to explain yourself, especially if it might trigger a row.

Don’t cancel your holiday plans. If you do that you’ll be upsetting four people Instead of upsetting one. Your husband is correct.
Your sister has valid reasons to change her plans and you have valid plans not to.
As hard as it sounds, it is one day and your mother will cope. Your mum has autonomy here, she can choose to leave him but she is choosing to stay with him. Don’t be guilt tripped into cancelling your holiday.

Draft the text. Don’t send it. Give yourself some time, talk to DH, make a decision later.

This thread is wonderful and so supportive but don’t be pushed by well-meaning MNers into going further or faster than you are ready to. You have been very unwell very recently, and you have a lot of very complex trauma to unpick. You need therapy, and you need time. This is your life, not a soap opera, and well-meaning posters might sometimes forget this.

@Venetiaparties I have read your posts but not all the replies so I don't know if anyone else has said this, but your mother forcing you into the parent role, up to having you holding her hair back while she vomited, is a form of abuse in itself. I appreciate that as it's far more subtle and less scary than what your dad did it might not feel that way, but she was robbing you of your chance to be a child and be parented and that in itself is very damaging.

If I could cheer a post...! This is great advice.

OP your parents are functioning adults who can make decisions for themselves. Hell no, you shouldn't cancel anything. Your parents sound like people to avoid quite frankly.