My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

I don’t buy the ‘she’s broken’ stuff. She’s suddenly found the energy to have a ‘meltdown’ today to make you feel guilty. She’s manipulative.

What about your friends? They're expecting you, looking forward to your visit, might even have started buying in things for your combined numbers.

I've only read your posts as this is a long thread, so apologies if anyone else has mentioned this. But you don't seem to have thought about the fact that you'd be letting them down badly. You don't cancel on friends with three weeks notice, when they're expecting you to stay with them for a week.

I can understand that your mum has her issues and can't leave him.

It is disgusting that she would cry to make you feel bad about not being there. She should be proud of you for going NC and grateful you are maintaining relationship with her.

Thanks so much.

When the original poster wrote this and you do not know what the missing letters mean:

"I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse"

You start substituting this. I even wondered if NC was a substitute for something sinister (like "---ing") because of the mention of "abuse".

Well as she's having a meltdown anyway, let her know that they will indeed spend every other year in their own from now on.
Her choices do have consequences
She has been extremely lucky so far, many would have cut contact with them both several years ago.
I hope you have a nice Christmas with your friends.

This is also descriptive of my mother. When I started to break away from my parents, some well-meaning people told me to stay in touch with my mother & see her but not my father. I was young then. I listened, I tried it. I told my mother I would only see her, not him, & I met her just the once in town (to avoid their house). She wasn't interested in me but kept asking when I'd go to their house & have dinner with both of them because my father kept asking when I was going round there.

I gave up, & never saw her again.

@KAYMACK I’ve tagged you in a link to the acronym page on another thread, you seem to keep posting on different threads complaining about internet shorthand that’s been in use for decades, so it would help you to read the link.

She's a grown woman. She's made her decision, and they have consequences. It's just one day! They won't die, it's just one day. You need to step a big step back, and breathe. It's just one day. Do not feel bad or cancel.

OP I wonder if even though she is your mother, you do not see the relationship she really has with your father except from outside. It looks all suffering for her from where you stand but what if it is not? There are some posts above where women in her situation turn out not to be helplessly trapped. There is choice and the relationship is something they are part of.

You are reading your mother's feelings as being what yours would be in her shoes... but she is not you and her feelings are not just like yours.

You suffer on her behalf -knowing how you would feel under his control and suffering his cruelties. You forgive her for not protecting you from him.

You are not her though and you don't share her feelings for him.
You didn't stay and you are activly protecting your children.

(If you feel any doubt about going away for Christmas keep in mind that even when you stayed, your mother wasn't happy... and you became seriously ill due to staying. You can't save everyone! )

Your mother is a massive womanchild, OP. She should have protected you when you were a child, but she didn't - that was her choice.

You too have a choice as a mother - put your children first or subject them to this monster of a grandfather, simply because of your DM's poor choices.

(I know that's a very simplistic view of things from an outsider, but your DH is an insider and I see he agrees with everyone on this thread, so bloody well done for ending the cycle of abuse by marrying a decent man.)

I think I need more therapy !!

This is seriously worth considering @Venetiaparties

I went back to therapy when I realised I’d hit a point (after I’d become a parent myself) where I was actually more angry with my mother than my father.

My father was an obviously evil scumbag who was abusive and just vile. My mother’s part in it (we were used as a deflection shield by her) only really hit me hard when I looked at my own children and thought “how could you use your own children to protect yourself like that?”

She's not by herself she is with your father. Some pople are actually by themself. Enjoy your Christmas and don't give it a second thought, you've made plans and your family unit is looking forward to them. You can never make everyone happy. It hideous the pressure people are put under at Christmas by family etc.

I’m sorry it’s so difficult for you. Christmas adverts are designed to make you feel inadequate so forget that idea.

Take the time to imagine what a realistic and special Christmas is for you. Consider what your partner and your kids would like most. And then prioritise that vision.

Parenting your mother sounds like a deep habit. Could you reframe it as: if your mother is incapable of looking after herself and her children then she’s the last person who should be deciding what’s best for you and your children.

I wanted to say how sorry I am to those that are living with this, and this time of year can be so hard and tests even the strongest resolve. I have come to dread this time of year, and the pressure it brings and I will know real progress when August comes and goes and I am not worrying about how I will avoid my dad.

I do feel so much better and brighter, and like a weight has been lifted since I started this thread. So many supportive and kind messages that have made me cry at my desk. I needed to it all, even the posts that are hard to read. You are such lovely people - thank you

I don't need to 'fix' my mum's Christmas by throwing myself and my children under my father's bus (again) dm is old enough to organise something special if she wants to. There are plenty of things happening where they live and she could book something.
But she won't because she would rather be the aggrieved victim that has been 'left' on her own at Christmas, she WILL have a god awful Christmas because she believes that will teach us a lesson for leaving her. So I am not calling her on Christmas morning. I will send a cheery voice note and turn off my phone. So I don't allow them to wreck my children's day with hysterics which are guaranteed to come on the day.

I am going to have a pain free day or as close as I can get, and that will be my present this year, and a revisit to my therapist in the new year. I know my mum has some responsibility for this, and I am pretty sure she knows she is being manipulative by calling and sobbing down the phone earlier. It is all part of the same pattern.

I am not doing this anymore.

He waited until your DH wasn't there OP, taking the dog for a walk? I found it a hard read. Never, ever see this monster again. Your mother has/had choices.

That sounds like a very fine and healthy plan, OP!

Good for you, OP. Well done for making plans to have a happy time with your own family.🎄

“At least you can leave, you have a choice”

well so does your mother, she chooses to stay, chooses to lose friends and family. I’m not saying it clear cut as that but she has made her choice.

she cannot go off on one about this knowing full well why nobody wants to be around him. Again these are choices. You are fully entitled to make your own. Your children will notice the effects of the circumstances regardless of how you try and protect them, even if your mother doesn’t talk about your father in front of them that’s going to be a red flag, I remember your post from Christmas last year and I thought it was awfully sad, he’s still being an abuser and your mother is still turning a blind eye. It’s frankly disgusting at this point that your mother still doesn’t have your back, but still wants you to drop Your plans so she’s not “alone” - every circumstance you bend to her needs shes enabled to stay with him, something has to give if she’s going to ever get away from him, and that is mostly likely to be the risk of losing contact with you and the grandchildren.

its an awful situation but I don’t have sympathy for your mother given the amount of chances she would have had over the years to make amends and she CHOOSES not to. That to me speaks volumes.

Your DH is absolutely right, and you are not responsible for your mother’s poor choices.

You’re well versed in justifying her actions, but understanding why someone has acted as they does not mean that they’re not accountable for said actions. Your father can undoubtedly provide ‘reasons’ for acting the way he does, but does that negate his own abuses? Or the impact they have had? No.

She was, and is, a grown woman with agency. The fact that she was mistreated by your father does not mean she is above reproach for her own mistreatment of you. And she did mistreat you, in fact she still mistreats you AND now your children as well.

she has enough agency to take you to task for what she considers to be a slight, so she absolutely is capable of it. She knows exactly what buttons to press with you in order to manipulate you into feeling and acting the way she wants you to. She knows which ones to press because she’s the one that installed them. She has power, but she uses it against you.

I think if I sat down and really thought about everything my mother has done or enabled I would get so angry, so livid that I might never ever be able to put the anger away again.

She would often direct my father to the room I was in the rampage and carry on cooking.

I don't think I can totally look at what she has done if I am honest.
I am not ignoring the posts talking about her part in this, only suggesting that if I do I might see something unseeable. Unbearable.

@Venetiaparties Your last post is fantastic, please do as you have written and go on your holiday with lovely supportive DH and teen DD's and turn your phone off on Christmas Day. If you feel yourself wobbling come back and read your posts again. Stay stong.

And yes, get that therapy so you can unpick those complicated feelings about DM. You are starting to see she is not just a victim in her relationship with your father, but it will take time to work through that.

OP your dad is a horrific abuser and you need to maintain NC. You know your priority needs to be your DC. You have offered your mum help and she doesn't want it. Maybe she never will. But she is your parent and not your responsibility. You didn't ask to be bought into that situation. You say she apologised but actions speak louder than words and she has made none.

She cries that she won't see family? Offer for her to come on holiday with you. She cried and says she can't leave your dad? You tell her she absolutely can but she is choosing not to. If she doesn't see you it's because she has chosen not to.

If you see her when you get back say she has to come to you and maintain you are and will always be NC with your dad going forward. She or your sister claim it isn't fair? You tell them what isn't fair is that you were horrifically abused as a child and you will be protecting yourself and your children. You don't want to need to apologise to your children the way she has had to apologise to you. Reiterate that if she wishes to leave him your offer of help is still there. If she chooses to stay she will continue to lose contact witj those that love her due to his behaviour.

He is still abusing you. He is abusing you through your contact with your mum. You know he is waiting for you to cave because of how upset she is. He knows he can use and manipulate her to get what he wants. As long as you're in contact with her and she is with him you will be abused. You may not be willing to cut contact with her, but that is the truth.

I know. I can't really face it. It is very difficult to look at her part in this.

Exactly this, your mother allowed you to be abused by your horrible farther, don't do the same to your children