My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

Your DH is right.

You cannot subject your family to him

I remember your posts last year.

stay away from both of them

make it clear to your mum if she leaves him - you will support her, if she wants to come to you she can but you will not have any further contact with him she must take responsibility

I feel for your DM, as like you say she is a clear victim of domestic abuse. However, you are not responsible for her and can't put yourself in a position that is likely to leave you unwell and therefore impact on your own children.

Please do not feel for her. Consider that she left the room when her 'D'H put on videos of their daughter's eating disorder, videos that their daughter pleaded her father to turn off. Consider that a good mother would be immensely proud of, and maybe even astounded by, her daughter's strength to get away from her abuser and make a new and positive life for herself. A good mother would not be crying down the phone trying to guilt trip her daughter right back into the abuse.

OP she has chosen him over you your whole life. She has allowed and enabled him to abuse you your whole life. She has made her choices, you are not responsible for them or for her. You are not her parent or her care taker no matter how much she tried to cast you in that role. The guilt and obligation she makes you feel is emotional manipulation, her apologies are empty and meaningless - she is as abusive as him in her own way. You've given up on him but you still desperately want something from her that she just cannot give you - parental love - I suspect because she is far too wrapped up in herself.

You can't save her and you can't help her. Do yourself. your husband and your children a favour, see both these people for what they are and cut contact with this toxic lot.

She’s used you and your children as human shields for your entire life.

I know it’s hard. I cut mine off when I was 21, and pregnant with DD1. I’m now almost 40 and my DDs have never met them, I haven’t spoken to them since and unfortunately, a few years later, I had to cut my sibling off as they were Chief Flying Monkey.

If anyone on here is in any doubt about what it means to stay with a man like this, then take a look at my mum. She is a broken shell of a person, with one friend left as the others have disappeared, even the best ones (they couldn't stand my father) and now she has nothing but him and his cruelty. She is prevented from seeing her dc and gc because they have to keep themselves safe. So the true cost of staying, is enormous and still growing. I wish I could put it on national TV every week.

The reality is that women in this situation stand to lose absolutely everything eventually, even themselves.

I had to put that out there, for all my pain and difficulty I do have a healthy and happy life most of the year, which is not fraught with danger, anger and violence. I can walk away. At least I can.
For me it is a choice.
Some people staying with men like this, it gets much worse as they age. And it becomes harder and harder to walk away or they simply can't due to ill health.

Leaving is always the best thing, and in the long run you stand the best chance of preserving other important relationships.

You offered to take her with you. I think your conscience is clear. Don't cancel your holiday. Don't suffer with your Dad.

Not your problem. She has chosen to stay with him . She knows what he's like . Your Christmas is all booked and arranged . They could go and stay in a hotel or something if she needs buffers around to stop him being awful .

My dm and df are alone every Christmas due to the fact they don't drive and live too far away for anyone to pick them up plus they won't get taxis. Also my df is a dick and no one wants to be around him - my siblings and I all have our own families now. My dm has never once complained or made us feel guilty for the fact she spends Christmas Day with df - they aren't alone, they have each other,

Your dm is being very unreasonable to make you feel guilty. She chose to stay with a horrible man 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't tell your mum that she can come to you - support her if she leaves yes - but not to come to you. I suspect she may be as abusive as him in her own more subtle way that you don't realise - because it doesn't look the same as your dad's abuse. This is someone who has turned a blind eye to your abuse your whole life, just please be very careful and don't make any promises you might later regret.

Re-read the first part of what you just wrote. Your dh is exactly right. Our parents are all adults and they have to live with the natural consequences of poor life choices. I'm NC with my mum/step-dad. They'll no doubt be spending Christmas alone, as no nearby family/I'm an only child/his kids are also NC with him. It didn't have to be that way, but that's what my mum wanted, so that's what she gets.

We are also NC with Dh's step-dad, though we do have a relationship with MIL. Similarly, she won't ever come to us for Christmas (BIL and partner will be at ours) as she wouldn't spend Christmas without her partner. Her choice, she's always welcome on Boxing Day and she often comes (without him). I have not the teeniest little bit of guilt about either of them missing out on Christmas with their only grandchildren, because I trust they are adult enough to have make decisions for themselves.

Abusive parent do not operate in a vacuum.

Your mother is an enabler of the abuse, and clearly does not accept your boundaries regarding being around your dad.

This is good cop/bad cop OP.

^^ This. Don't change your plans.

OP - I have a lot of admiration for you. You're doing really well at navigating this situation. Your DH is definitely a keeper.
I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your friends and children and DH. Resist any parental attempts to lure you back in.
I've lived for many years in a cycle of anger, disappointment and false hope with my Dad. It's been immensely liberating to let it go. We're LC rather than NC and it gets easier all the time to see the attempts to manipulate and reign you in and push back.

As a parent, it is normal and appropriate to make difficult decisions to protect the interests of your children.

This is a situation where you have to do something emotionally difficult in order to put your children first.

It is not in your children's best interests to spend Christmas with an abuser. So you don't. That is the right choice to make for your children, and on situations where there is any abuse involved- children must come first.

I realise that you may feel bad for your mother, and perhaps feel responsible for her. Perhaps this whole abusive dynamic has seen you growing up feeling that way - like the rescuer.

But actually, your mother is an adult, you are not responsible for her. But you absolutely are responsible for your children.

OP I just came to wish you a happy Christmas with your family.

Reading your posts I feel the struggle in what you write. My mother had a childhood much like yours following her own mothers death and the introduction of a new step mother who abused her and her sibling. When we were children the step mother was still in our lives and I remember the terror and horror at seeing how she still abused my mother even as an adult.

She eventually cut contact but it was extremely difficult and she had lots of therapy.

I'm so sorry this is your reality but I think you are right that this Christmas will almost be the catalyst and following Christmases it will become easier.

@Venetiaparties You hit at the very core of it with your comment on hope. The longing of a child for the happy, loving, ‘fairytale’ (because that’s what it was, as you know - it could never be, and never was, and never will be) with mum and dad still exists for you.

What you need to do is stop looking at them as being your family. They’re not.

You and your DH and your children. That’s your family, and that where you’ll have happiness, love and the Christmas magic of just being cosy together, without rancour, on the day.

Agree that your mother sounds selfish. Only a mother who made it all about her would try and guilt you into living that trauma again

I think the posters who point out that when their mothers eventually left or were widowed, rather than see a happy different person, they actually saw a character not dissimilar to their abusive father at their core.

A genuinely loving mother can often stay in an abusive relationship only until they see their children becoming targets or affected.

That is often the trigger for them to finally leave.

I am generally an empathetic person but I am very suspicious of women like the OP's mother.

I do not believe she is an innocent party to the awful abuse the OP suffered.

She busied herself while her husband abused her child and her grandchildren begged him to stop?

I think if the OP is to ever move on she needs to stay away from her mother and fully acknowledge her part of the abuse.

Well done for posting OP.

OP, at present, your relationship with your mother is the more abusive one. You have strong boundaries with your father, most of the time. But you are still horribly entangled with your mother, and it is not a healthy relationship. It never has been.

It is very difficult and painful to acknowledge that the parent who enabled the abuse is also an abuser, but it is an important part of healing. Therapy works in stages, maybe now it is time for this piece of work?

Meantime, focus on strengthening the protective boundaries around the family you have created, your husband and your children. Don't let the toxicity of your birth family come near them.

My mother was in the same position. I'd pleaded with her, as a kid, to get out/save herself & us/protect us. She always said no, she loved him, he came first, he was all she'd ever wanted etc.

So when I finally walked away & left her with him, I thought she couldn't complain because I'd given her what she'd always said she wanted. She didn't want me, she wanted him - & now she'd got him, all to herself.

I know I was putting up barriers against feeling guilty or sorry for her, but there was nothing I could do to help her or to make things better, so I saved myself instead. And I know I was taking revenge, & it felt good. The irony was the icing on the cake.

Glad you wont be going but her having a meltodwn is very manipulative she still enables him and thinks you should put up with it for her sake

I'm sorry you had such an awful time growing up OP. I think you still think you have to be the one rubbing your mum's back while she spews (metaphorically). You don't. She didn't take good care of you, you don't owe it to her to take good care of her.

I would go NC with both of them, telling your mum in writing why you can't keep seeing her when she diminishes what your dad does and did, and that if she ever gets fully away from him you'd be willing to try to build a better relationship. But I'm not sure she's the innocent party you see her as.

Well done for getting away from the horrible cycle and becoming a much better parent than you had.

Have you tried speaking to your sister to see how she manages it? Maybe she isn’t managing it as well as you might think or maybe she has some tips.

I’m sorry you had such a shit childhood OP, but you are not responsible for your mother. As a parent, she chose not to put her children first, but you have protected your DC from your abusive father. Do not renege on this because of FOG. You are doing the right thing by putting your well-being and that of your family first.