My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

I have no experience of this but why on earth did your mother think that you and your lovely family would go anywhere near either of them after last years little Christmas performance?

OP good on you for your resolve not to cave to your mother! 💐 I know it seems like a gigantic task but just keep visualising this Christmas when your children are relaxed and happy and enjoying themselves.

When you are relaxed and enjoying being with your husband and children.

I echo what PP have said also and I would not turn my phone on Christmas day and if your mother has your husbands/children’s number I would be blocking it too.

It’s not going to be easy for you but once you go to bed Christmas Day and realise you have had a peaceful Christmas it will be so worth it.

Have you considered going and speaking to someone about your childhood trauma? It could help you so much with setting firm boundaries. Your mother chose to stay with an abuser, you can choose to enforce boundaries and create a peaceful existence for yourself and your family! Xx

This has to be the year your DF sees that you are stronger and will not cave in. Show him you have the capacity for change even if he doesn't.

Neither you nor your sister need to cancel plans. Your mother is a grown ass woman that made, and makes, her choices.

You seem to be the one that has taken on the parental role in your relationship with her, as if she’s a toddler you need to take responsibility for. She’s not. She’s the one that had a duty to protect you yet she didn’t, and even now she doesn’t. She’s prioritised herself throughout your life and trained you to prioritise her, which tbh is supremely fucked up and abusive in it’s own right.

look after yourself and your own family.

Your DH sounds worried sick. He just wants to airlift you and your DC out of it all this year. Which is exactly what you need to do.

I know your DM has apologised for past behaviour but the video thing was last year and she left you to it after it as well. What about when your DF started on your DD? So she apologises and she thinks its ok until the next time.

As others have said she made her choice to stay with him. This is a result of that choice. She needs to feel the consequences of her inaction.

Your mother could spend the holiday getting her ducks in a row and finally LTB. That would be a lovely Christmas present to herself. She needs to take responsibility for her own life, and you need stronger boundaries with your family.

Just keep repeating "dad has ruined every Christmas I've ever had and he won't do the same for my children. You are welcome to join us for a fun and peaceful Christmas as you know".

you probably do need more therapy OP but bloody hell, anyone would.

Stay strong.

I identify with everything you wrote OP as my parents are the same. My dad was an abusive arse who used to mock me and my eating disorder. My mother, the sad, lonely passive parent who was so oppressed by the abusive arse. I kept up contact for the same reasons, worried about my mum being alone with him and the guilt etc.

However a different perspective: When my dad died I expected my mum to blossom, being free and that we'd finally truly get to enjoy a healthy mother/daughter relationship. OMG how wrong was I. Turned out the reason she was so passive and let it all happen was because she was exactly the same as him. She hid in his shadow, playing the wounded deer, dishing out 'I'm so sorry but what can I do' when needed, and letting him take the backlash, but in fact it was him doing her bidding. Once he was gone and she had nobody to hide behind the real her became visible, and it wasn't very nice. I've been NC now for years.

You are not responsible for your Mother's bad decisions.

You will feel guilt , misplaced as it is , but you are still doing the right thing.
Enjoy Christmas with your family

This thread has been so powerful to me.
I have realised that Christmas has been about for me trying to resolve the lost hope I felt as a child - that childish clinging on for a happy ending of any kind still lives on somehow. A day to erase all of the things that have hurt me, and to be carefree and to feel loved and included in a family for one day. It does not matter that every Christmas ended the same way, as long as the hope was still there.

Abusers manipulate hope, they leave out a breadcrumb or two knowing he can play on this hope to bring me back so he can entertain himself with his cruel games and relish his power as someone that can make me cry, prevent me from eating or hurt my kids with his words whenever he feels like it. He has weaponised Christmas and my own guilt.

Most of the time I am strong (99% of the time), but he only has to wait until Christmas comes around and he usually gets his chance.

I do see him.

I won't be doing this to my dc, not now and not ever.
Thank god for MN. It is hard to talk about this in rl.

I'm so sorry for what you suffered because of your DF and for what your DM continues to suffer. I completely understand why you see Christmas as a touchstone and why you feel as though you're abandoning her. But you're not. You need to stop trying to recreate that elusive perfect Christmas with your parents and focus on the wonderful Christmas you can create with your DH and DCs.
I don't blame your DM. I'm not one of the 'reap what you sow' types because I understand the dynamics of DV and EA. But you need to stop trying to heal your inner child who was failed at Christmas by going back to the source of the pain. You can feel compassion for your DM and still accept that your role as an adult healing from trauma and as a parent and a wife, is to create those healing, happy times with your DH and DCs.
It's one day. Your DM may be sad or it may be the catalyst for her to do something different on Christmas Day. Either way, she is an adult. You need to prioritise you and your Dh and DCs. Let go of the guilt and have a lovely, safe, relaxing time.

With any luck, your mum will have a moment of clarity this Christmas and ‘do a little Mo’ on him. only half joking

Oh OP, your posts are heart breaking. I hope you, your DH and DD's have a peaceful break over Christmas. You are absolutely doing the right thing by going away and focusing on your time together as a family.

I feel for your DM, as like you say she is a clear victim of domestic abuse. However, you are not responsible for her and can't put yourself in a position that is likely to leave you unwell and therefore impact on your own children.

This sums up what I was about to say.
Take care of yourself, OP, you have been through so much.

Because last year's performance is by far on the mild end of the Christmases we had as a child.

That is why Christmas means too much to me. Even now.
And there is still flickers of the same hope, that it will one day come good.

I know it won't. But there it is.

@Venetiaparties I really feel for you, it’s truly horrible trying to work your way through the nightmare emotional neglect and abuse weaves throughout your life.

I haven’t read the whole thread but hope you’ve been given great advice by other posters.

Just want to say, try to be aware of the feeling of fear. When you’ve grown up in an unstable environment, it’s common to shut off from your feelings. But learning to feel again is key to healing. It begins to come when we feel safe to feel (which can sometimes be established through physical distancing eg going no contact), but unfortunately while we have so many internal hangovers of the enormous fear we felt as children, it makes it difficult to truly feel internally safe. So try to be aware of your thought processes around fear and anxiety (eg when you feel reluctant to do what you really want to do for fear of the consequences). Try to recognise what this fear feels like in your body - it might be clenched muscles, racing heart, a feeling of panic. Try to soothe yourself through that - you are safe now, in the present, an adult with the means to keep yourself safe and secure.

Try more and more to do what you really want to do - our feelings are an enormously vital compass to tell us what is safe and happy for us in life so it’s vital you listen to yourself. You’ll get better at listening to those whispers and acting on them the more you practice. Do it bit by bit - in trauma healing some use the word ‘titration’. Step out of your comfort zone, but bring yourself back to safety by reassuring yourself afterwards. Hopefully little bit by little bit you can establish a relationship with your parents that you want, and if they don’t want to dance along with that, that’s their choice.

Which brings me to grief. Acknowledge your sadness and anger about the missed relationships and experiences with your parents that you hoped for and should have got - like those flickers of hope the child inside you is still feeling about Christmas. It’s okay to rage and feel your upset about this. It’s healthy. You will naturally find happier and more content feelings in life as you work through your backlog of feelings. Don’t fall for positive psychology!

Your post about your childhood Christmas is heartbreaking, OP. I wish I could reach back in time and cuddle the poor child holding her mum’s hair back after another horrible Christmas Day. She didn’t deserve this, no child does.

Your mum let you down so so badly. I cannot imagine living with a man like that and my only remedy being to get so drunk my children have to look after me. I am sorry if that sounds like victim blaming, but she should have protected you from that whole situation - both their behaviours. As you have learned yourself, you cannot inflict that sort of behaviour on your children, you have to step up and do what’s hard if it’s best for your children.

I am so sorry that happened to you, I’m sitting at my kitchen table crying for that little girl.

I am sorry that your mum doesn’t feel that she can leave her abusive relationship, even with your offered support. I am sorry she will probably have a crappy Christmas.

But she lives with him 365 days a year, and I imagine it isn’t much fun on most of those days so pretending to be a happy family for one day of the year doesn’t address the issue, in fact it covers it up with a layer of wrapping paper and tinsel.

By trying to guilt you into ruining your family Christmas she is continuing to cover up the long term abuse. It sounds cruel, but by refusing to be complicit in her cover up you are moving her a step closer to resolving the situation. Stay strong, don’t give in to her blackmail no matter how painful her sadness and meltdowns make you feel. Enjoy your Christmas and in the new year use the situation to encourage her to look again at her relationship and make some decisions about how she can deal with the situation.

This. For many many many years I tried to have a relationship with my highly abusive father and felt sorry for my Mother who I loved very very much.

him I can take or leave and have been on and off nc for years
I always wanted a relationship with her until I opened my eyes and ears in counselling and learnt not only does she enable anf condone his behaviour but (in their case) she has the assets to leave and chooses to stay.

she is an adult who has made her choice - she can leave her abuser - she can go with friends and if she wasn’t party to this marriage with an abuser she wouldn’t be alone.

in my case I minimised my mothers dramatics and abuse as his was so so much worse but she’s awful too.

as an adult you have no responsibility for your parents

let me repeat that - you don’t owe them squat

OP I had a not too dissimilar upbringing to you by the sounds of things. What helped me immensely was seeing a therapist who helped me recognise that my DM was a grown woman who was capable of making her own decisions, it wasn’t on me to always dance around trying to make her happy. Her happiness shouldn’t have ever depended on me, not as an adult and not as a child. Nor was it within my control to try and get her to leave someone was was clearly making her unhappy, she is old enough to make this decision (and she is still with them to this day and they are still making her miserable!). DM and I are incredibly close but I harboured a lot of repressed resentment and upset for her decision to stay with someone who caused me such misery in my childhood and turn a blind eye to how their behaviour affected me. It ramped up particularly badly when my DC’s were born as I couldn’t fathom letting someone into their lives who would treat them so poorly.

Please do consider seeing a therapist, it really helped me in situations like the one you’re in now and took away a lot of stress.

OP, you sound so incredibly strong.

I have realised that Christmas has been about for me trying to resolve the lost hope I felt as a child - that childish clinging on for a happy ending of any kind still lives on somehow
I know it's so easy to say and so hard to do, but you can have your happy ending. Maybe not the one you always dreamed of, with a loving and protective father and mother. You didn't get to choose your birth family. But you did choose your DH. There won't ever be a happy ending with your parents, you know that, but the family YOU have built can be your happy ending.

And your mother, who will know all of this as well as you do, is trying to emotionally blackmail you into this being your Christmas.
Shes trying to bully you into this. She wants you to have to deal with this.
Remember that the next time she cries.

This OP, please remember this, because she is trying to get you back in for more of the same. She's still not protecting you or your children, she is still enabling his abuse. If it was any different she would accept your invitation to leave him at home and visit you. But she won't do that and she's still trying to get you to go back into the lion's den. That to me is one of the worst things, her crying down the phone to you is an attempt to get you back within his range.

If I were you I would block her and go NC with her too, she is being horrible to you and you don't deserve that.

My mother dismissed my sister's and my pleas to protect us from our stepfather. She thinks I've forgiven her but I haven't and never will. Your mother is much, much worse; she doesn't deserve contact with you. She is stabbing you in the back every time.

Your mother busying herself as he abused you was so consistent with your childhood.

Her hysterics now are just more of her selfishness.

I agree with every single poster who does not allow your mother off the hook.

Your mother has lived her life protecting herself and putting herself first.

You are NOT your mother putting your needs ahead of your children.

You are so much better than your parents.

Get back to therapy.

Great post from @cakeycakes

OP What an amazing Mother you are.

You choice wisley with your Husband.

I understand your heart hurts thinking of your Mother suffering, but there's nothing more you can do.

In fact your Mother sounds manipulative.
It's like she's the child and your the Mother.

She knows what she's doing to you....as hard as that it to imagine... she knows and feels no guilt.