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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult Step Daughter Advice

111 replies

lemonmeranguepie · 29/11/2022 10:13

My adult step daughter is 32. Her Dad and I have been married for 14 years (he had long since been divorced from her Mum) my Step daughter doesn't have a particularly close relationship with her Mother, but amicable . I've just felt from day 1 that she doesn't like me. I've tried (without overly trying) to be friends/nice etc. I thought it would be lovely if we got along- shopping trips/Spa days etc, but nothing. I get absolutely nothing. A cold shoulder. The bare minimum. She has a daughter and kindly allowed for me to be called Nana, which I really appreciated, but it's just weird to me that I'm Nana to a beautiful little girl, yet I have zero relationship with the Mother.
Even down to silly trivial things like FB. She will like or comment on every family members post except mine, or last year's Christmas card said 'to Grandad and Nannie' (I've never heard it said that way around - seemed a passive aggressive way of making DH appear more important) I'm good with my grandchild I think and love seeing her, buying little gifts etc, I just wish she and I had a closer relationship.

I have spoken to my DH, I think he sees it too and feels sad but is helpless to it all. As she's doing nothing overtly obviously it's hard to address and tbh I don't want any issues caused.
She rarely visits and only lives very locally to us. We visit her, but the conversation is always forced and uncomfortable. If he leaves the room she turns stony silent (DH has also noticed) yet when she calls him daily I hear her chattering away. Its obviously me, but I haven't done anything that I'm aware of. I'm fun and friendly and good with my Grandchild. Maybe it's just something I can't do anything about, it's sad really.

Anyone have any experiences?

OP posts:
FatimaHatima · 29/11/2022 10:16

'to Grandad and Nannie' (I've never heard it said that way around - seemed a passive aggressive way of making DH appear more important)

He IS more important! He is her father. You are not her mother. If this is your attitude, that might be why she is cold with you.
She doesn't particularly like you or want to be close with you, that's ok. She has no problem with you being a grandmother to her daughter though, which is nice, so why not just focus on that and stop flogging the dead horse?

CatByDay · 29/11/2022 10:23

The grandad and Nannie order comment makes me think YABU. Apart from the fact he is more important, who would notice or care about that? I wonder if this kind of thing is off-putting to your SD.

winterywonder · 29/11/2022 10:24

FatimaHatima · 29/11/2022 10:16

'to Grandad and Nannie' (I've never heard it said that way around - seemed a passive aggressive way of making DH appear more important)

He IS more important! He is her father. You are not her mother. If this is your attitude, that might be why she is cold with you.
She doesn't particularly like you or want to be close with you, that's ok. She has no problem with you being a grandmother to her daughter though, which is nice, so why not just focus on that and stop flogging the dead horse?

I do appreciate that sounds picky, I guess I just notice these little things more because she feels cold toward me. I've not mentioned the card thing to anyone, it's just something I noticed and not a big issue in itself

lifeinthehills · 29/11/2022 10:26

Grandad coming first isn't a big deal. What's the age difference between you and SD? Are you trying too hard to be friends with her? She might not want spa days and the like with someone she just sees as her father's wife. Could it be you both just have different goals for the relationship and it's making her uncomfortable?

Nightynightnight · 29/11/2022 10:29

You can't control her feelings. All you can control is your own behaviour and attitude. Stop trying to be her friend or mother figure. Stop commenting on Facebook posts. Focus on the relationship with the child. Give your husband space and time with his daughter without you being there. Be kind and courteous but 14 years later she has made her boundaries very clear. Respect them and create some of your own.

MeridianB · 29/11/2022 10:29

Gently, OP, I think you're being over-sensitive. It does sound like she isn't warm with you but there is no way she'd encourage her child to call your Nannie if she didn't like you - just no way.

I'd encourage your DH to do something 1:1 with her or with her and GD, in addition to your family visits, if that's possible.

Focus on the positives. Be supportive of and interested in her and then leave it at that.

Needtoseethatbiggerpicture · 29/11/2022 10:32

So she was late teens/early 20s when you got together? You're expecting her to behave like a daughter to you? Is that because you consider her relationship with her mum less than perfect? Did you think you can somehow make that better for her by being a great step mum? Clearly, she isn't interested in a relationship with you, nor does she want to be best friends. This is not uncommon with adult step-relationships. You're expecting too much of her, I think. It's not passive aggressive to put 'grandad' before 'nannie' when it's dad who's her parent.

Maybe stop trying so hard? It might flow a bit better

ICanHideButICantRun · 29/11/2022 10:37

I wondered whether she was acting out of some kind of loyalty to her mother, but she doesn't get on that well with her mum, and their divorce was before you met your husband.

I think your husband ought to set aside time for just the two of them. I appreciate you like to see your step-granddaughter but I think it would be good if your husband and his daughter spent regular time alone. She may well tell him then why she's like this with you.

Karatema · 29/11/2022 10:40

Christmas cards to my sons are always DS and DDiL. My DDiL put my name first and then my DH. To my DP I put from me and then DH and to his DM I put from DH and then me!

And now you've name changed!

Count yourself lucky you've a relationship with your DSGD.

winterywonder · 29/11/2022 10:46

Needtoseethatbiggerpicture · 29/11/2022 10:32

So she was late teens/early 20s when you got together? You're expecting her to behave like a daughter to you? Is that because you consider her relationship with her mum less than perfect? Did you think you can somehow make that better for her by being a great step mum? Clearly, she isn't interested in a relationship with you, nor does she want to be best friends. This is not uncommon with adult step-relationships. You're expecting too much of her, I think. It's not passive aggressive to put 'grandad' before 'nannie' when it's dad who's her parent.

Maybe stop trying so hard? It might flow a bit better

I've never really "overly tried' as didn't want to force a relationship etc. But I've always been decent, messaged to ask how she/how job interview went/if she's feeling better after being poorly etc, just normal stuff really. I've never wanted to be a mother figure to her, I just hoped we could have some form of friendship is all. I've backed way off now. I don't contact her anymore, but it goes against the grain of who I am as a person really.

ThreeblackCats · 29/11/2022 10:55

You can’t force your adult sc to become your best friend. My adult sd doesn’t even talk to me! In fact she actively makes a point of ignoring me on the very rare occasions we are in the same room.
(Her dad was widowed and I was not the ow) so consider yourself lucky that you have any sort of relationship with her.
I doubt she will ever put your name first on Christmas cards etc, as her dad is obviously much more important to her.
You seem to have a very romantic view of what being a stepmum is, shopping and spa days, really? Are you very much younger than her dad?
sorry op, but in the kindest way, you sound immature.

Rogley · 29/11/2022 10:56

Is @winterywonder also the op with a different name?

SwimInTheRain · 29/11/2022 10:58

This probably isn't about you. She's lost her original family of her mum dad together and that can not be fixed, no matter how delightful you may be. Try not to take it personally. She hasn't chosen to have you in here life, her dad has. If I were you I'd reduce my effort and contact with her since it isn't really wanted and it doesn't sound like you get much out of it aside from hurt feelings. Maybe let DH and his daughter catch up and have their own relationship and you can go have a spa outing with a friend. Or if you want to be a hands-on Nanna offer to care for step-grandchild while DH and daughter go out for coffee.

pjani · 29/11/2022 11:00

I agree with the PP that I think you’re forcing this unnecessarily and that pressure might be part of what she is reacting to. I think she wants to spend time with her dad, not you so much, and that should be totally ok.

As with anything that causes hurt, I think it’s important to try and develop other passions and relationships to help this be less of a focus for you. What else is going on in your life? Are there other relationships you can deepen?

CatByDay · 29/11/2022 11:01

Rogley · 29/11/2022 10:56

Is @winterywonder also the op with a different name?

I think so

KatherineJaneway · 29/11/2022 11:05

I think you need to change your ideas of what the relationship should be or you want it to be. She clearly does not want to be close to you for whatever reason, you have to accept that I'm afraid. If you push, she may back off even more.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 29/11/2022 11:11

You just need to accept that she doesn't want a close relationship with you. She wants one with her dad clearly, but yours will always be a polite relationship for your husbands sake.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/11/2022 11:16

It's sad as it would make family occasions easier if you were close but it's time to accept that you're not. Likely not because of anything you've done, more likely she just sees you as 'dads partner' rather than 'my family'. If she can't even chat when her dad leaves the room then I'd just give up, let her dad have the relationship with her separately to you. I think it will be a relief not to be rejected any more. Just concentrate on the relationship with your grandchild

Pebbledashery · 29/11/2022 11:27

The Grandad and Nannie thing is really clutching at straws. I'm sorry OP, you're really fabricating issues out of nothing. I appreciate you may feel hurt not to have a close relationship with her. But as long as she's civil to you, accepts you being with her father and hasn't actually caused you any issues, then I'm afraid you can't force her to like you. Perhaps where she's not so close to her mother she just doesn't want a maternal figure in her life. I would just enjoy the relationship with her daughter/your granddaughter and not try to force the matter. She doesn't sound like she's actually done anything to you except just not want a close relationship, which is her right

Soontobe60 · 29/11/2022 11:33

The thing is, she may just not like you. It is possible to be civil to someone without having ‘spa days’ and putting their name first in a card!
If you’re friendly enough then thats OK. You can’t force her to like you.

Shinyandnew1 · 29/11/2022 11:39

I’m confused, has @lemonmeranguepie changed names to @winterywonder ??

ast year's Christmas card said 'to Grandad and Nannie' (I've never heard it said that way around - seemed a passive aggressive way of making DH appear more important

This really undermines anything in your post as it’s bizarre and makes people question everything else. Of course her dad is ‘more important’ to her!?

When writing cards, I would always tend to write them to the person I know most written first, eg To uncle Dave and Auntie Sue if he’s always been my uncle but they’ve not long been married, but to Karen and Pete-if she’s my friend from school and he’s her husband. That’s just what she’s done.

FatimaHatima · 29/11/2022 11:50

winterywonder · 29/11/2022 10:24

I do appreciate that sounds picky, I guess I just notice these little things more because she feels cold toward me. I've not mentioned the card thing to anyone, it's just something I noticed and not a big issue in itself

Show quote history

It's not an issue at all though, its totally normal and expected!

She isn't obligated to be your friend. You're just the woman her father married, you're not her family unless she wants you to be.

KIW · 29/11/2022 11:53

You have answered your own dilemma.

“maybe it’s something I can’t do anything about”

Acceptance is best in this situation.

charabang · 29/11/2022 12:03

It's likely in your SD's eyes that your role is Dad's GF or wife. She has a mum of her own. I think she is accepting of you if she is allowing you to be called Nannie and that's great. Don't force a relationship that isn't there.

SleeplessInEngland · 29/11/2022 12:05

I say this constructively: she's just not that into you, get over it. It's ok not to be best buds with your step children, especially adult ones. If it's cordial, then fine.