Adult Step Daughter Advice

[lemonmeranguepie]

My adult step daughter is 32. Her Dad and I have been married for 14 years (he had long since been divorced from her Mum) my Step daughter doesn't have a particularly close relationship with her Mother, but amicable . I've just felt from day 1 that she doesn't like me. I've tried (without overly trying) to be friends/nice etc. I thought it would be lovely if we got along- shopping trips/Spa days etc, but nothing. I get absolutely nothing. A cold shoulder. The bare minimum. She has a daughter and kindly allowed for me to be called Nana, which I really appreciated, but it's just weird to me that I'm Nana to a beautiful little girl, yet I have zero relationship with the Mother.
Even down to silly trivial things like FB. She will like or comment on every family members post except mine, or last year's Christmas card said 'to Grandad and Nannie' (I've never heard it said that way around - seemed a passive aggressive way of making DH appear more important) I'm good with my grandchild I think and love seeing her, buying little gifts etc, I just wish she and I had a closer relationship.

I have spoken to my DH, I think he sees it too and feels sad but is helpless to it all. As she's doing nothing overtly obviously it's hard to address and tbh I don't want any issues caused.
She rarely visits and only lives very locally to us. We visit her, but the conversation is always forced and uncomfortable. If he leaves the room she turns stony silent (DH has also noticed) yet when she calls him daily I hear her chattering away. Its obviously me, but I haven't done anything that I'm aware of. I'm fun and friendly and good with my Grandchild. Maybe it's just something I can't do anything about, it's sad really.

Anyone have any experiences?

If you hadn’t have made that comment about Grandad and Nannie, I would have maybe thought she was being unnecessarily cold to you. But honestly, I would absolutely expect Grandad to come first because he is her grandad!

We don’t have children but my FIL is a grandad through his other son, I don’t believe the grandchildren call his second wife Nannie or anything, I believe they use her name.

I think overall you need to accept that this is the relationship you have and it isn’t going to change now.

Why is hoping for a nice friendship immature? I thought it would be nice if we could do things together occasionally and have a friendly relationship. My DH also wishes it was mire this way, but obviously you can't force these things. I find the immature comment a bit strange, as surely its the opposite.

I think it’s because it’s wishing for something when the facts show it’s just not going to happen.

Like wishing for a pony when you’re a kid, or to meet your favourite pop star. It wouldn’t be immature to wish for that before you met her the first time, it would be hopeful.

But now it’s been years and you’re still wishing and feeling hurt when - you just can’t afford the pony. It’s about meeting the reality of the situation.

You don’t get to decide what your relationship
is with her. She was already an adult when you married. My Dad remarried when I was 19 and I wouldn’t even call her my step-mum, she’s my dads new wife, to me it would be weird to call her my step mum when we had no mother daughter relationship? We get on perfectly well, probably more so than you and your husbands daughter, she pops in for cups of tea and we enjoy days out with my dad, my children in tow. But it would be odd for me to go on shopping or spa days with her, any attempt to force these would have just made me pull further away. All cards are addressed to Dad and her name. I think you are over thinking it and should enjoy the relationship you have with your grandchild.

I think that you need to find a way to accept that she only wants to be on polite terms with you. It's a shame that she doesn't want to be as friendly as you'd hoped but trying to change things could end up with you being in a worse situation. I suspect that you've done nothing wrong and she'd be like this with any woman that your dh picked as his wife.
FWIW I think it's fine that she says Grandad and Grannie since your h is her dad.

I agree with a pp , you came into her life when she was a young adult, so you have never had the role of caregiver or stepmother, you just happen to be married to her dad.
You need to give up the hope that things will be any different to how they are .

I see you're getting all the usual anti-stepmother posts OP.

I don't know why people are assuming you are asking for advice on how to force a closer relationship, it sounds to me like you're asking for advice on how to accept that your step-daughter wants a distant relationship.

My own advice would be to stop trying with DSD, just be friendly when you see her but stop the texts etc. Continue to focus on your lovely DSGD. You may find that when you stop trying, DD will come round.

Thankyou, I think you're right. Hopefully I will have a lovely relationship with my grandchild throughout future years, but I'll just concentrate on that.

We can’t all like everyone. She’s polite and civil in person?

fwiw, if anyone invited me to spa days/shopping trips I’d say no, would be my idea of hell on earth, whoever was inviting me and however much I liked them. May just not be her idea of fun.

I am not saying this to be mean, but she is not your grandchild, I am only saying that because if your relationship breaks down you are not going to see that child again. I think with the whole Nannie / Grandad think and wanting spa days, you are maybe not really appreciating the different relationships.

Would it help to liken into an 'in-law' relationship?
I have 2 brothers and have known their wives for decades. I am aware that some people have a close family like relationship with their siblings' spouses but many don't.

I get on with my sils but would never think to have days out just me and them (singly or together).
I am very happy to see them at family occasions etc and I care about them, but it's a relationship that exists purely because my dbs chose to marry them. Just like a step relationship.

Yes I’m sorry I think I’ve been a bit harsh. Wanting closeness is only human. I wish you all the best and I’m so pleased you have a lovely relationship with her daughter.

Girly shopping trips and spa days would be my idea of hell. With ANYONE.

Her father takes precedence over you in her feelings and social behaviour. Of course he does.

You want her to fit in to your emotional/social/imaginary fantasy of what a daughter of yours could/should be. She is not your daughter, or a substitute for the daughter you never had. She already has a mother and their relationship is private between them; none of your business.

You probably see yourself as being "too sensitive".

Your post suggests you have the hide of an elephant.

She's nacho-ing you I'm afraid. It's a pretty standard way of choosing to not interact with a stepchild/stepparent.
I hear you on how hard it it. My SK don't have any interest in getting along with me due to loyalty to their mum. But my DC and SK get on well and DP and SK have a good relationship so that's all that really matters. I might sound blasé about it but I'm not. It's taken me 7 years to get to this point and accept that it's not personal It's just that my SK think they can't get along with me without being disloyal to their mum (it's a really misplaced belief, I have nothing against their mum and tried hard at the beginning to get along but she had no interest in that which is of course her perogative, and I'm not the OW or anything like that)

I love my mum but I've never been on a spa day with her. Perish the thought.

There are some unnecessarily harsh posts here.

I think it's wonderful that you want to have a close relationship with your husband's daughter. Your emotions come from a good place.

However, as you yourself note, your step-daughter is an adult. Once we grow up, we have a keener sense of what we lack, and what we don't. It seems likely to me that although this woman doesn't dislike you, she doesn't feel the need to take on a fully-fledged stepmother figure in her life. This isn't a reflection on you, it's a reflection on what she wants and needs. And it's possible that your (well-intentioned and open-hearted, but potentially quite intense) desire for a deeper connection is pushing her away a bit.

My advice would be to approach things in a more relaxed way, with lower expectations. You may well find that taking some of the heat out of the situation actually opens things up. And above all, be glad that you have some kind of relationship with her and her daughter - this is far from the norm.

As I said above though, don't take the negativity on here personally - it's wonderful to want to be close to people.

It's immature, and frankly odd, because she has been letting you politely know for a decade and a half that she is not interested in the kind of relationship you want. How much longer are you going to keep pushing it?

Wanting that 14 years ago was perfectly normal, and nice. But at this point its down right weird to be asking about in it on here.

What have you actually done for her?

I don't mean that to sound nasty. I just mean, what would make her feel like she "owes" you something other than the casual politeness that comes with you marrying her father when she was 18?

You're not her mother, but your husband is her father so it's almost inevitable she will have a much closer relationship with him than you. There's nothing odd about writing cards with "grandad" written first. You're her father's wife. That is all you'll likely ever be to her. There's no natural attachment.

To give a perspective from the DSD view, im the adult daughter in the situation and can probably count on 2 hands the amount of conversations i've had with his wife.

Its not malice or dislike but when i see go and see DF and my sisters it because i've gone to see my dad and sisters. Thats why i'm there its for quality time, if i only see my father a handful of times a year im not really there to build a relationship with his wife. Happy to do dinner in the evening etc, but i do expect some 1:1 time with DF as thats why i'm visiting.

I think friendly and cordial is more than fine, and if she lets her kid call you nan she obviously doesn't hate you.

Wow. You're a delight aren't you.

I think you are in a grandparent role to the child as you have known her since birth. You are not necessarily in a step mum role as you met her as a teen.

I would be pleased she acknowledges you as nana but accept you aren't close to step daughter. If you can be friendly then that can be enough. Dont look for more.

Your stepdaughter might not like spa days or shopping trips, or might prefer to do these things with her own friends of her own age.

The reality is you are just her father's wife. She has no emotional connection to you at all.

She must like you as she allows her child to call you nannie si that's a starting point.

Please don't push it. Involve her in things though sat there is something you think her daughter would enjoy then ask her on a family day out doing that.

Coming from the GC element my grandparents spilt up and remarried when my DF was a teenager. I grew up thinking and feeling that I had three sets of GP’s and thought it was weird that no-one else did. However my Step-Nan and Step-Grandad were never called Nan and Grandad. My SN was Aunty …… and cards were addressed to Grandad and Aunty….. and my SG was called by his name and cards address to Nan and ……. It didn’t change how I felt about them or viewed them. I believe the names were actually more of an arrangement between my GP’s than anyone else. The realty is my DF’s relationship was never that close to his step-parents, it was polite and amicable of course. However, once my Nan died my DF became much closer to my step-nan. In contrast my DF relationship (well all our relationships) deteriorated with my step-grandad, it become very clear that he did not view us as his family. Looking in hindsight at the relationships my dad was emotionally damaged by the break up his parents and his mother did impact the relationship he went on to develop with his father and my step-nan even though it wasn’t overtly spoken about.

Sounds awful op, I have a relative I'm not overly keen on but you smile and fake it. You don't sit in awkward silences just because someone goes to the loo.

It is sad and disappointing but just manage expectations. Leave her to dh and just enjoy any time with your dgc.