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AIBU?

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Original poster

Adult Step Daughter Advice

111 replies

lemonmeranguepie · 29/11/2022 10:13

My adult step daughter is 32. Her Dad and I have been married for 14 years (he had long since been divorced from her Mum) my Step daughter doesn't have a particularly close relationship with her Mother, but amicable . I've just felt from day 1 that she doesn't like me. I've tried (without overly trying) to be friends/nice etc. I thought it would be lovely if we got along- shopping trips/Spa days etc, but nothing. I get absolutely nothing. A cold shoulder. The bare minimum. She has a daughter and kindly allowed for me to be called Nana, which I really appreciated, but it's just weird to me that I'm Nana to a beautiful little girl, yet I have zero relationship with the Mother.
Even down to silly trivial things like FB. She will like or comment on every family members post except mine, or last year's Christmas card said 'to Grandad and Nannie' (I've never heard it said that way around - seemed a passive aggressive way of making DH appear more important) I'm good with my grandchild I think and love seeing her, buying little gifts etc, I just wish she and I had a closer relationship.

I have spoken to my DH, I think he sees it too and feels sad but is helpless to it all. As she's doing nothing overtly obviously it's hard to address and tbh I don't want any issues caused.
She rarely visits and only lives very locally to us. We visit her, but the conversation is always forced and uncomfortable. If he leaves the room she turns stony silent (DH has also noticed) yet when she calls him daily I hear her chattering away. Its obviously me, but I haven't done anything that I'm aware of. I'm fun and friendly and good with my Grandchild. Maybe it's just something I can't do anything about, it's sad really.

Anyone have any experiences?

OP posts:
MsRosley · 30/11/2022 10:38

Next time there's one of those long silences, ask her if she's ever considered therapy for her daddy issues.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 30/11/2022 10:42

OP, you namechanged and your posts are jot highlighted anymore:

Ducksurprise · 30/11/2022 10:43

I'd rather poke my own eyes out than go shopping or a spa weekend with my own mother, and we get on well.
You don't make someone be the daughter you want, and getting weird about name order in a card is batshit

messymonkey1074 · 30/11/2022 10:49

I think a lot of these responses are very harsh. I don't think the OP is trying to be her Mum at all and of course she understands the daughter will always love her Dad more than her. She just wants to have a nice, warm relationship with her husbands daughter which is not too much to ask.

I would also agree that the Grandad & Nannie thing in the card is making a point.
She's not close to her own Mum so I wouldn't take it too personally. If I were you I would just stop making the effort with her and focus on your grandaughter.

My step daughter is extremely close to her own Mum but we are close too and I also have the privilege of being Nanna to her daughter but I know i'm very lucky in this respect.

I actually really feel for you but sadly, I don't think things will change after so long.

Zilla1 · 30/11/2022 10:55

FWIW, have never heard the GPs nicknames used other than female-male unless it were deliverate and loaded. Don't know why ladies' first, if 'nana' tended to do all GC care but not unreasonable to note that in the context of stony silences and so on. Interesting you are good enough for GC care just not to speak to.

tinselvestsparklepants · 30/11/2022 10:58

Another one here who has a father and a father's wife. She'll never be my step mother, and she is someone I wouldn't know if not for my dad. I'm glad she's there because she makes him happy, but I do wish I could see him in his own sometimes. I'm mid 40s and can't see my relationship with her changing. If anything the older I get the more I dislike not just getting to see my dad. She's not a bad person, I just never chose to have her in my life.

AutumnCrow · 30/11/2022 10:58

Rogley · 29/11/2022 10:56

Is @winterywonder also the op with a different name?

I guess so Confused

FatimaHatima · 30/11/2022 11:01

She just wants to have a nice, warm relationship with her husbands daughter which is not too much to ask.

It IS too much to ask from someone who does not want a warm relationship. What makes yuo think you are entitled to a relationship with somoene, whether they want one or not?

I would also agree that the Grandad & Nannie thing in the card is making a point

The only point it is making is the very normal point that your father is more important to you than your fathers wife. It's very nice of her to give OP a card saying Nannie at all, given that she is not the childs grandmother.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 30/11/2022 11:04

Catflapping · 29/11/2022 12:36

You don’t get to decide what your relationship
is with her. She was already an adult when you married. My Dad remarried when I was 19 and I wouldn’t even call her my step-mum, she’s my dads new wife, to me it would be weird to call her my step mum when we had no mother daughter relationship? We get on perfectly well, probably more so than you and your husbands daughter, she pops in for cups of tea and we enjoy days out with my dad, my children in tow. But it would be odd for me to go on shopping or spa days with her, any attempt to force these would have just made me pull further away. All cards are addressed to Dad and her name. I think you are over thinking it and should enjoy the relationship you have with your grandchild.

This is how it is with DH's children, although he has sons. They were adults when we met and I've never thought of them as my step children. Cards are addressed to Dad and Pink, or Granddad and Pink as I asked not to be called Granny or Nana. We all get along fine.

Sunsetintheeast · 30/11/2022 11:07

I think you've mistaken your DH adult daughter as a potential friend. I can see why, but they clearly broke up when she was a teenager and that hurt is never going to shift.

Let it go.

Feef83 · 30/11/2022 11:10

You have spoke to your DH about it but neither of you have ever gently raised it with her over the last decade or so?

Lostatsea10 · 30/11/2022 11:11

I’m the adult stepdaughter in my own scenario and in fact my father got married after I did, though she was at my wedding. I’m polite to her and friendly enough when I see her but genuinely, with no malice meant, she is nothing to me other than my dads wife.

Her adult children (who I might have seen 5 times in total over 15 years) are nothing other than my dads wife’s children. That’s just how they’re thought of in my mind.

It’s not personal, she’s just not important in my life. My dad and her called her Nanny X which we went along with as they choose to be largely absent grandparents and only see us/DC once or twice a year. We refer to her as X when talking about her in front of the DC.

We’re all grown ups and there’s no ill will in it but she’s not someone I’d choose to be friends with, I’m too old and don’t need a ‘step mum’ and so she is just my dad’s wife.

RoachPussy · 30/11/2022 11:12

Sounds a bit like you’ve been trying too hard. Some people in life we get on better with and others we take against.

Feef83 · 30/11/2022 11:12

To me it reads that you’re just not her cup of tea. Her dad loves you but that doesn’t mean that you’re someone she would ever be close to.

She is civil and thoughtful. So just respect that

FatimaHatima · 30/11/2022 11:17

Can you imagine spending FIFTEEN YEARS being polite (but clear that you have no desire for a familial relationship) to your fathers wife, and her STILL banging on about spa days and complaining you're not warm enough with her?
She must have the patience of a saint!

User359472111111 · 30/11/2022 11:18

You sound like you want to be a great stepmum, but my advice is that these things run deep and to focus on being an amazing Nana.

kateandme · 30/11/2022 11:28

For whatever reason she doesn’t want this.
have you ever sat down just you and her and asked if there is a problem or what else can you do because you feel as if there is a barrier there between the two of you.
is it openly hostile or just not as close as you’d like? Is it making thing difficult?
and I think it’s ok and sweet to want to have a special relationship with your step child. It can and does happen as much as we don’t like to say it on here.

Beamur · 30/11/2022 11:29

I am both the adult step child and the step mother in my life.
I have zero relationship with my Dad's wife. She's been hostile to me from day 1 and I have long been resigned to that!
My SC have been in my life since small and are now adults. We get on very well but I would be surprised if my DSD wanted to go shopping with me! My DSS did come and meet me for lunch when I was visiting the town he lived in, which I was quite touched by as I wouldn't have expected it.
OP - I think that you just have to accept this is how it is. There could be any number of reasons why your husband's daughter is civil rather than friendly, it might not be about you, or it might. The fact that she's facilitating a relationship with her daughter for you is a good indicator that she likes and trusts you enough for that, but she doesn't want to be your personal friend.

AliceOlive · 30/11/2022 11:32

You can request that this be moved this to step parents topic.

Viviennemary · 30/11/2022 11:33

You replaced her mother. That is enough for many adults to feel the same way as your SD. People can't help how they feel. It is good of her to let you have a relationship with her child.

Spanielsarepainless · 30/11/2022 11:33

Ha! Thirty years with DH, and I'm not even called Nan. Just my Christian name. I have ceased to let it bother me as my DSGD is pure gold. You can't force her to like you and I didn't try very hard, just welcoming, polite, interested when we saw DSD but no bond to speak of.

Snnowflake · 30/11/2022 11:38

OMG they've been married FOURTEEN YEARS - 14 years folks, and she won't continue a conversation with you if you are in a room together FFS - she is taking out her sadness over her parents failed marriage on you.

I would step right back - you might want a relationship with the DGD but it's going to be at the SD's behest so will always be akward.
Do you have no other young relatives who appreciate you or the time you spend on them?
Sadly it looks like this situation is not going to change after 14 years - I would say sod them tell DH you prefer to give up and just keep your distance - he is a selfish fool to continue his very close relationship whilst you are rudely ignored. That's his choice - make it a bit more uncomfortable for him - that's the least he deserves for not supporting you.

CheeseIsMyPatronus · 30/11/2022 11:40

You're thinking you should matter to her, but you don't. You are just the woman her dad married. You're technically a step parent, I guess, but it's not like you did any actual parenting, she was 18 when you got married.

She's clearly not got a problem with you if she's letting you be called Nannie and not your name (which is more usual) by her daughter. But it would be more sensible to accept shen isn't that into you, and doesn't have to justify it.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but you clearly are not accepting what she's made blindingly obvious for fourteen years.

She's just not that into you.

Coyoacan · 30/11/2022 11:40

It sounds like you are a nice person and she recognises that you are nice, but personally I would have nothing in common with someone who wanted to go shopping and on Spa days. It is just not my thing.

Only little gold coins are loved by everyone.

Alice786 · 30/11/2022 11:40

Your husband could have a word with her to find out why she is so cold towards you as it's bothering you as much. He doesn't have to say you said anything, just say he's notice, it may help get a better understanding and help improve the relationship.

In an ideal world she would make an effort with you for the sake of her dad especially as you have tried so hard but unfortunately it's not always like this in reality.

It sounds like she doesn't like you and just tolerates you. I think stepmother has negative connotations attached and she might not be able to help the way she feels about you, so you may need to accept her feelings might not ever change.

I think you need to back off a bit and give her some space. Just be there if she needs you but stop trying to be her friend and don't put so much effort in and you won't feel so hurt and disappointed in return.