Adult Step Daughter Advice

[lemonmeranguepie]

My adult step daughter is 32. Her Dad and I have been married for 14 years (he had long since been divorced from her Mum) my Step daughter doesn't have a particularly close relationship with her Mother, but amicable . I've just felt from day 1 that she doesn't like me. I've tried (without overly trying) to be friends/nice etc. I thought it would be lovely if we got along- shopping trips/Spa days etc, but nothing. I get absolutely nothing. A cold shoulder. The bare minimum. She has a daughter and kindly allowed for me to be called Nana, which I really appreciated, but it's just weird to me that I'm Nana to a beautiful little girl, yet I have zero relationship with the Mother.
Even down to silly trivial things like FB. She will like or comment on every family members post except mine, or last year's Christmas card said 'to Grandad and Nannie' (I've never heard it said that way around - seemed a passive aggressive way of making DH appear more important) I'm good with my grandchild I think and love seeing her, buying little gifts etc, I just wish she and I had a closer relationship.

I have spoken to my DH, I think he sees it too and feels sad but is helpless to it all. As she's doing nothing overtly obviously it's hard to address and tbh I don't want any issues caused.
She rarely visits and only lives very locally to us. We visit her, but the conversation is always forced and uncomfortable. If he leaves the room she turns stony silent (DH has also noticed) yet when she calls him daily I hear her chattering away. Its obviously me, but I haven't done anything that I'm aware of. I'm fun and friendly and good with my Grandchild. Maybe it's just something I can't do anything about, it's sad really.

Anyone have any experiences?

OP changing your name means no one will see your replies highlighted.

Meh. There’s no ‘mumming’ to be done, sounds like she sees you just as her fathers wife, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Her father fell in love with you.

She didn’t

As long as she’s at least civil, accept the situation.

Sorry if missed

op - do you have any children?

what a hideous reply. You are everything I hate about mumsnet. Seriously OP is hurting and you come up with this bull?

OP. I understand what some of the -more constructive- posters are saying: acceptance is needed- she’s showing you that she doesn’t want a relationship & of course you can’t force one.
But you know I will say this- she’s a grown woman in her thirties and sorry it’s just plain rude to go stony silent on someone in the room as you described. she’s being a bit difficult when you’ve not given her reason. I’m the grown up daughter in my situation and yep- me and step mother are not super close (mainly distance but we are quite different as people) but you know what? I care about my dads happiness, I’m not so self involved and unempathetic as to give the cold shoulder to a significant person in my dads life who like it or not is part of the family, albeit not by blood.
If your behaviour was a thing ie if you were shitty with her, her dad or child-different story altogether! If you’ve done nothing wrong do not beat yourself up or keep trying to force it. I would just be polite, civil, smile. Maybe in time as she learns you can be trusted she might come round and you can be there for her as you clearly care, but don’t hold out on this. And yep great that she’s happy for you to be nana to her daughter.
Look after yourself 💐

my dd addresses her cards to dad and Hilary, not Nana and Granny and Grandma - she uses her name.

If you think putting Grandad and Nannie is passive aggressive then you are the problem in the relationship - sorry to tell you

Does she also blank Hilary, cold shoulder her, deliberately exclude her Fb posts from liking etc because if not your post is a waste of time.

Not the point of the thread I know but it baffles me why mumsnetters post and then name change pretty much straight away 🤯

anyway, I think you are just expecting a closer relationship than she wants, although going stony silent when your dh leaves the room is rude in my opinion

Has she ever in all the years openly said anything to give you reasons to believe as you do.
I do think giving you nan status is pretty brilliant and has to show trust.do you have a close one with her?

This
She sounds rude. It’s one thing to not want a relationship but to blank someone is mean.
I would step away and not make any effort at all.

YABU.

Stepmothers usually get treated like crap on here, OP.

I don't think that hoping for a chatty, easy going relationship with your stepdaughter is asking too much. You know you're not her mother and that you'll never be best friends, but I do believe there is a happy medium and it seems you've tried to find that with her. Just keep on being your normal self with her. At least you can say you've tried. Enjoy time with your granddaughter.

You keep saying your husband agrees with you. I wouldn’t talk to him about it so much, it puts him in an awkward position and your step daughter may feel it. Not
everyone clicks and it’s okay, just be yourself, and if she’s silent, act like your comfortably silent yourself and hopefully she leads.

last year's Christmas card said 'to Grandad and Nannie' (I've never heard it said that way around - seemed a passive aggressive way of making DH appear more important)
This is one of the most bonkers things I’ve ever read on MN! I always address things to Grandfather and Stepmother’sname and of course my father is more important to me than his wife is. Thankfully she’s a wonderful and sane human who wouldn’t bat an eye at this. Even the fact your stepdaughter has let you be Nannie rather than Name is generous, imo, she doesn’t have to at all.

Not wanting a relationship is fine, being rude to you in your own home is not and dh should have a word. I know you love the dgc but do you feel used? because you provide care and that’s only why you are Nannie? If so it’s up to you what you do. I’d back off and leave sd alone, be polite but that’s all and personally have relationship with dgc on my own terms

You can't force it though. So long as she's civil and doesn't ruin days out I'd just accept it. It is a ''blended'' family. I know the answer to a lot of life's problems is to just care a bit less and it's advice I could take myself (plenty of things have hurt me and I wish I'd cared less as after five years of hurt feelings on both sides I just don't care anymore and if I'd felt this little investment to begin with then we could have had the facade of a family relationship talking about the weather and the dog and the lunch. But no, I was HURT and they were angry I was hurt. And they gave me the silent treatment for being hurt. Which hurt me more. So, to cut a long story short, I think you should be really kind to yourself and dialogue with yourself very kindly but privately.

I noticed this on a second reading "my Step daughter doesn't have a particularly close relationship with her Mother, but amicable"

Maybe this is part of the reason why your relationship with her is also not close but amicable too?

Sorry but yes, this

A lot of people projecting here and inventing details that aren't there.

It's simple. Just because your parent marries someone, that doesn't make them your family. You don't have to like them or make an effort with them, if you don't want to.

Desensitise!

Be a little more objective. I could write most of what you have written....and that is about my relationship with my mum.

Perhaps this is how your step daughter is in most relationships. It seems her model of a close relationship, from her mum is different to what you except too.

I agree the blanking when her father leaves the room is really rude and immature. Even if you don’t want to be friends with someone you can still be civil. I wonder if her mother has remarried and if so how she treats her mother’s husband.

It could be that she’s battling with the lack of relationship she has with her mum. I wouldn’t take it too personal, there could be something going on she’s struggling with. Wanting a relationship with her mother but not having it might be making her feel insecure about the relationship with you, worried about comments from her mum if she posts on your Facebook etc.

I think you're looking for a relationship that isn't there OP.

My mum remarried when I was around 20. My stepdad is a good man, he made my Mum very happy for 15 years until she died. I like the man, but he's not my father, and he's not my friend.

You don't seem to be hung up on being Mum, but you do seem to be hung up on the fact that you're not friends. But friends are people you choose. You choose them because you have shared interests, because you have personalities that click well.

I don't click with my stepdad. I like him, I respect him, I trust him with my daughter, I wish him nothing but the best, and if he asked for a favour, I'd want to help. But chuck the two of us in a room by ourselves and conversation dries up very quickly.

My daughter has a much closer relationship with him. He's been "Bampi" to her since she's been born. They have their own in jokes, their own stories.

You are "Nana" to your step granddaughter. That in itself shows that your stepdaughter respects you, trusts you. You wouldn't be Nana if she hated you. Accept the relationship for what it is. You're two people forced together by someone you both love, that doesn't have to make you friends

And yet in more than 12 years it would seem no one has thought to raise this. The DH has seen the hundreds of times the Op has been cold shouldered, and… watched? The OP has never said anything?
very baffling

If you were in her life since childhood it would be entirely different because she'd have formed an attachment to you. She's an adult, you can't force an adult to like and want to spend time with another adult. You're her dad's partner, she likely doesn't see that you have much in common, she's got shit to do and probably doesn't want to go on shopping trips and spa days with someone just because they're married to her father. I'm not close at all to my mum's partner, and am very close to my dad's partner. Neither are called grandad or grandma by my son, just their names. My mother and father definitely come first in Christmas cards. Just get on with your life OP and enjoy you'd time with your step-GC when you see them.

I presume she doesn’t dislike you or you wouldn’t be a Nannie to her daughter. I think this is fairly normal for new partners introduced to adult children, don’t take it personally. If you split up you would probably both happily go your own ways, it’s usual not to have a close relationship. Perhaps you don’t have much in common? I don’t think I know anyone in similar circumstances who has spa days and shopping trips.