Adult Step Daughter Advice

[lemonmeranguepie]

My adult step daughter is 32. Her Dad and I have been married for 14 years (he had long since been divorced from her Mum) my Step daughter doesn't have a particularly close relationship with her Mother, but amicable . I've just felt from day 1 that she doesn't like me. I've tried (without overly trying) to be friends/nice etc. I thought it would be lovely if we got along- shopping trips/Spa days etc, but nothing. I get absolutely nothing. A cold shoulder. The bare minimum. She has a daughter and kindly allowed for me to be called Nana, which I really appreciated, but it's just weird to me that I'm Nana to a beautiful little girl, yet I have zero relationship with the Mother.
Even down to silly trivial things like FB. She will like or comment on every family members post except mine, or last year's Christmas card said 'to Grandad and Nannie' (I've never heard it said that way around - seemed a passive aggressive way of making DH appear more important) I'm good with my grandchild I think and love seeing her, buying little gifts etc, I just wish she and I had a closer relationship.

I have spoken to my DH, I think he sees it too and feels sad but is helpless to it all. As she's doing nothing overtly obviously it's hard to address and tbh I don't want any issues caused.
She rarely visits and only lives very locally to us. We visit her, but the conversation is always forced and uncomfortable. If he leaves the room she turns stony silent (DH has also noticed) yet when she calls him daily I hear her chattering away. Its obviously me, but I haven't done anything that I'm aware of. I'm fun and friendly and good with my Grandchild. Maybe it's just something I can't do anything about, it's sad really.

Anyone have any experiences?

I agree.

I'm not particularly close to many people at all.

An adult who only came into my life when I was already an adult wanting spa trips with me just wouldn't work. Partly because spa and shopping trips are the last thing I want.

She's got her ILs plus two sets of parent relationships. Those all come after the needs of her immediate family. Then she'll also have friends.

You don't have to like them but as an adult you don't have to be rude to them either. It is quite selfish and self absorbed. Most parents make an effort with their children's partners even if they don't necessarily like them for the sake of their kids and I think it's not too much to ask to be polite to their dad's life partner especially one who is making such an effort. I think as a step parent you can't win, if you care and put effort it you're trying to replace their parent, if you don't put effort in you're the wicked stepmother.

You're taking OP's word as gospel, as if she doesn't have a massive chip on her shoulder and a specfic viewpoint....

Maybe the woman has just had enough of being polite and has had enough of OP after so many years?> It's clear OP is pushing for a relationship that isn't there, quite selfishly, its entirely possible the woman spent years being nice and friendly enough but not what Op wanted, and has just given up now.

She's not a step parent. She's just the fathers wife.

We can only go by what she told us of course and not make assumptions.

Indeed

and on the basis of

I've never heard it said that way around - seemed a passive aggressive way of making DH appear more important… I can imagine there is perhaps very much a different side to the story here if we heard from the SD

You sound a bit unhinged OP

There is definitely a whiff of that

Take a step back and give yourself a break from the chill. Continue to be civil and friendly but stop trying to force a relationship with someone who clearly doesn't want to have one with you. you're probably better off without getting too close as the step daughter doesn't sound very pleasant.

If I were you I would be grateful she allowed you to be called nanny. My mum remarried when I was an adult. She was with her partner before I had my children, married when they were tiny. I don’t let my kids call her husband Grampa or Papa (he might want that but he is not), he is known by his name. I don’t like him much, I tolerate him because I have to. I don’t stop my kids seeing him (although it is rare due to him, not them). He likes my kids, gets on with them fine, buys them gifts for birthdays etc.

Your husband’s daughter is an adult, capable of choosing her own friends and you can’t be foisted on her, you had no hand in her upbringing, she is not your step daughter, she is your husband’s daughter who was an adult when you arrived.

Would it be nice to do spa days and so on? For you, yes. For her, you are fine, but she isn’t interested in spending her time with you beyond her dad. She doesn’t dislike you, but you came along when she she didn’t need you in her life, she was leaving. You need to accept that.

@Caplin she is your husband’s daughter who was an adult when you arrived.

I completely agree and her daughter is not your granddaughter. Of course you can be someone special in this child's life, but your need to take ownership over these people really comes across in your posts and if it comes across here, I can only imagine what it presents itself as in real life. Just calm it down a bit.

It sounds like for whatever reason your DSD is reserved in her affections, you say her relationship with her own mother is amicable but you don't mention loving or close. It took along time for me to let my MIL be close to me.

What I would do is stop trying, please.
When your DH isn't in the room, either turn your attentions to the grandchild or ask impersonal questions such as, have you managed to finish your Christmas shopping? Or the weather. And instead of forcing yourself on her to help out, say 'well, you know where we are if you need me.' I have a very nice relationship with my MIL now and regularly speak on the phone for an hour at a time but it was a very bumpy road to begin with. Good luck xx