It is not natural for men to look after babies and possibly young children.

[TheYChromosome]

I shall start by saying I’m not asking for advice. Also before people pile in and either start bashing men or suggesting solutions this thread is not actually for that.

I have a baby 9m and DH has been looking after her since she was 8 weeks. I’m back at work.

So he is really the main care giver and spends with DC most of the time. Despite of that, she in general settles better with me and now we hit the separation anxiety it’s me that she clings to.

Really ideally there would be men on here and I would be interested to hear their take on it l. But as there aren’t many men perhaps the army of women can share their observations and experiences how there DHs find being around babies.

Really the point of this thread is to get a window into how men feel when they look after young children.

I find DH although he loves our DC he finds it difficult to look after her. As an extension of that when ever I’m not working he prefers me taking care of her as I think he finds it draining more than I do.

So again, point of this thread is to get some more insights into how easy or difficult men find it too look after babies. If there are men reading this please do comment.

I know, I know - we are a modern society and generally quite forward thinking, but…. Are there some natural biological inclinations that just will never fully change. All we can do is try to understand better and facilitate better.

I find that DH is very willing and able, doesn't find looking after children of any age daunting (appreciate many others aren't like this) however as far as the children are concerned, yes most of the time they just want their mum (for now)! 7y/o and baby.

And the night time waking was just an example. And I’m not suggesting men shouldn’t get up. It’s more ok, I agree it’s tougher for you but you still will have to do it, but maybe less nights than me, for example….

Oh darling, I know cleaning is harder for you, but you still need to have a little go sweetie pie, less than me of course! I’ll do the majority of it!!! I’ll lie down on the middle floor, just step on my back, it’s easier for meeeee!!!

No. why should men do less work raising their children? Why? What special natural abilities do men have that will result in less work for women?

EVERYONE finds it exhausting to have nights of broken sleep with a fussy baby. EVERY. ONE.

DH is a much more 'natural' parent than I am. I'm a good Mum, but that's because I work at it.

I haven’t read the thread yet, will do so after initial reply to the OP

It is not natural for men to look after babies and possibly young children.

I do not agree.

I have a baby 9m and DH has been looking after her since she was 8 weeks. I’m back at work. So he is really the main care giver and spends with DC most of the time. Despite of that, she in general settles better with me and now we hit the separation anxiety it’s me that she clings to.

Im sure she clings to him when you are at work. The thing is the working parent quickly becomes the favourite parent.

I find DH although he loves our DC he finds it difficult to look after her. As an extension of that when ever I’m not working he prefers me taking care of her as I think he finds it draining more than I do.

Well he has her all day M-F and that is difficult for anyone, mum or dad. As the working parent you get a daily escape. Yes work is work, but it has more variety.

My DH was the SAHD for our 4 DCs. I was back to work after 12 weeks with each of them.

It is. When my DH was a SAHD he had some horrible experiences. Baby/toddler groups suddenly became “mum groups” with no men allowed. Neighbourhood playground dates he was made unwelcome. Mums would not let their toddlers play with our toddlers. Comments constantly about being a deadbeat dad with a sugar mama, or a kept man, etc.

My dh looked after our son until he was 5 as I was the main earner. He was much much better at the childcare than me, and the 22 year old we have now is close to us both. Some women aren't 'natural' caregivers, difficult as that may be to admit.

Like you, I worked, my DP stayed at home. Like you I felt DC settled better with me and that I coped better. With the wisdom of hindsight I can see he did a great job, and it was my own discomfort at breaking away from the role I was socialised to do that made me look for signs of his failings, and indications that I was the preferred and better parent. As we are taught as women we should be.

I don't think there's a biological or inherent component at all. I think it very, very much depends on the individual. There are plenty of nurturing men out there and plenty of non-maternal women!

My husband is by far the most preferred parent by our kids. He's got far more patience than me, plays with them (I cannot for the life of me do imaginative play for more than 2 minutes without dying of boredom). He's done the bulk of the childcare for them all when I returned to work between 9-12 months until they were 2-3 yo. Our youngest is now at nursery full time and DH isn't a fan as he feels like he's lost his purpose a bit. Admittedly he's rubbish at the practical stuff so as soon as they're injured or sick or need something for school etc they all gravitate to me.

I think most people find parenting hard, especially full time. I, really naively, didn't expect having kids to be so utterly life changing in all aspects. I was the idiot who thought they'd just fit in around us. 😂🤦🏼‍♀️ He's taken to that disruption far better than I have!

Babies bond with their mothers in the womb so men are at a disadvantage at birth. However, my DH was the main carer for all three of his children, two with his XW and one with me. He had energy, patience and responsiveness in spades.

Men can do it when they have to but I agree that evolution probably means more women than men are suited to caring for very tiny babies (excluding the breastfeeding factor).

@ChillysWaterBottle this is an utterly ridiculous view I don't think there's a biological or inherent component at all

if this was really the case then we could just pop all the babies into a common nursery and randomly hand them out to people as they leave the hospital. After all if there is no biological or inherent link between mother and baby , baby and mother then it wouldn’t matter who raises what child!

Crikey you literally did everything.

Babies recognise their mum and dads voices at birth. Beyond that there is no inherent bond between mother/father and baby at birth. It is all built after birth.

@Onnabugeisha so you would be fine with handing over your baby to someone else and raising a random baby? If it’s ‘only’ that baby recognises voices but no other links and everything is built after birth as you say

I was a SAHM, I breastfed all three kids and their dad worked full time.

And I still think he maybe changed more nappies than I did!

Our eldest is almost 16 now and DH is just as much a parent as me. He settled the babies better than I could (daddy's magic hands could get wind out in a heartbeat whereas I would be patting backs of screaming babes for ages.) They settled is his arms in an instant but I can't blame them cos one minute snuggled up with him and I'm fast asleep too.

Kids, particularly toddlers of even strangers gravitate towards him. I recall we were at a swimming lesson once and a wee girl, maybe a year and a half old kept coming up to say hello and hand her Peppa Pig toys to him. When it was time to go, she brought DH her coat and he ended up holding it for her to put on. He just acted on instinct and did it with a big smile for her. He's a natural with children of all ages.

That’s not the point. Of course I wouldn’t be fine handing my baby off to a stranger. The point is there is no special, mystical bond between mother and baby. We make those bonds. It’s not automatic, or instinct, or whatever higher power you want to give credit for what is literally a labour of love.

The special, natural mother baby bond that develops in the womb is an ancient patriarchy mythos to keep a woman in her place, as the primary caregiver of her children. Along with the view that it’s “unnatural” if a mother isn’t primary carer for her baby/toddler because that defies the mystical, special bond and harms the baby. So sick of this mythos and it seems to be having a resurgence with the 4th trimester BS going around these days.

DH is much better with babies than I am. That’s just a fact. I just don’t find them at all interesting! However I think we both bring different skills to the raising a child party, which is a good thing for our son.

Bang on! Also just gives the useless men another excuse to not pull their weight really.

For me personally, I found caring for the kids as babies and toddlers very easy and natural.

As they’ve got older, especially as my daughter approaches her teens, things become much more challenging as a bloke - I don’t understand the hormones, how I should handle the moods and what I should and shouldn’t say.

Sorry to derail but I'd love an AMA from a man working in the baby room of a nursery @Mysterian ...

p.s. that is incredible role modeling for the little ones. I would absolutely pay more to send my kids somewhere with male/female caregivers. It sincerely troubles me that my preschool aged youngest has never seen a female builder or male caregiver at pre school.

@Onnabugeisha well said.

@Onnabugeisha but if you have zero bond with your baby when they are born why not hand them off to someone else? After all you’ve just said any relationship or bond is after baby is here. So according to you you should feel zero attachment or care toward your baby when they are born and vice versa for baby so why not take on a random baby and someone else take your baby - why would it matter to you?

Why not? Are you quite mad? So I want a baby so I get pregnant. I go through the hell that is ‘morning sickness’ which is a misnomer because it’s really 24/7 fucking hit you any random time sickness, I get as big as a house, my joints ache, my back hurts, I can’t tie my shoes or spit when I brush my teeth without turning sideways, I get braxton hicks that hurt enough to take my breath way, I endure 3hr kickboxing sessions in my stomach every night just when it’s bedtime and I have a full days work in the morning, I have acid reflux that I sometimes vomit into my mouth and then swallow it, I can’t even recognise this puffy swollen Jabba the Hut I have become, I have to time when I can be near a loo because my bladder is literally the size of a pea and yet I’m expected to drink five litres a day of water, I get poked and prodded and scanned, I then go through a day of bloody childbirth that might involve me shitting myself in front of a midwife and after all that, you think the only reason a mother keeps her baby is this special mystical bond?!

Fuck that shit. I have gone through almost a year of sharing my body and risking my health (and my life even!) to make that baby. Cell by cell, bone by bone. Every hair on their head. Every finger nail. I make them inside me and after all that sacrifice and then the agony of childbirth, you think the only reason a mother keeps her baby is a magic connection? An instinct?

Hell no. That baby is mine because I made them.

I doubt it would work. I mentioned before on here that it might be good if children saw more men in early years and lots of people jumped down my throat saying "you want more jobs for men? Typical sexist bloke!". Does make it hard to convince children that childcare isn't just a female role when most get looked after entirely by women.
Then I'd get the gang who think men shouldn't be on Mumsnet, then the ones who think men who work in childcare are likely to be paedophiles. Can't be arsed with all that.

@Anymanyall is it really that hard to get your head round the fact that mums and dads really do want to keep their own babies, they don't just want to take any random kid home from the hospital; and that when they do bring their baby home, many dads are just as capable of caring for the child as the mother is?