It is not natural for men to look after babies and possibly young children.

[TheYChromosome]

I shall start by saying I’m not asking for advice. Also before people pile in and either start bashing men or suggesting solutions this thread is not actually for that.

I have a baby 9m and DH has been looking after her since she was 8 weeks. I’m back at work.

So he is really the main care giver and spends with DC most of the time. Despite of that, she in general settles better with me and now we hit the separation anxiety it’s me that she clings to.

Really ideally there would be men on here and I would be interested to hear their take on it l. But as there aren’t many men perhaps the army of women can share their observations and experiences how there DHs find being around babies.

Really the point of this thread is to get a window into how men feel when they look after young children.

I find DH although he loves our DC he finds it difficult to look after her. As an extension of that when ever I’m not working he prefers me taking care of her as I think he finds it draining more than I do.

So again, point of this thread is to get some more insights into how easy or difficult men find it too look after babies. If there are men reading this please do comment.

I know, I know - we are a modern society and generally quite forward thinking, but…. Are there some natural biological inclinations that just will never fully change. All we can do is try to understand better and facilitate better.

you are the one going off to work 8 hours a day, Whereas dh is nearly always there and more seculrely attached.Therefore the baby is more anxious about you leaving!

Yes, but “ability to care for a child” is different from natural design. Women and men have different brains and different tools in terms of child rearing, even if they are both “able”.

I think women (in general) are more biologically inclined to take care of babies and so may in many cases find it easier. But with your DH wanting you to have the baby when you're home, that's natural as he's been doing it the rest of the time. I think lots of women would feel the same.

Typically caregiving is seen as menial work which should be carried out by subordinates, men will often instinctively avoid doing anything which makes them seem subordinate because they benefit from keeping women in the subordinate position.
I'm not saying that this is all men, women may also use similar techniques to maintain a dominant position.

I think women (in general) are more biologically inclined to take care of babies Wow, some people really do live in a historical novel inside their heads.

And in your example of your ex husband, it had very little to do with special tools he had by ‘natural design,’ and everything to do with him being selfish and lazy. He wasn’t naturally designed that way. Nobody has a magic inbuilt button that stops them leaving their small child alone while eating.

My husband was the SAHP whilst I, the mother, went back to work after 6m. Because I wanted to. Because he's not really a career person and wanted to ne with the kids.

Sexism much OP? Or is it only sexism when it's anti women?

Children behave badly only with the parent they are more securely attached to. They also only develop seperation anxiety with the parent who goes out to work or needs to work in a locked room and ‘can’t be disturbed’.

Women.are more invested biologically as they carry and birth the child. I do think biologically it's not normal for men to provide the full care of a newborn. They should biologically be attached to a breast. We don't live naturally though. Now watch everyone take offence to my view

When you talk about living naturally, can you say more about what that would mean how would it look if we lived naturally?
Is it natural to fly in an aeroplane for example?

Article written in 2013 by a dad. Relevant to this thread.
amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/jul/05/childcare-men-pull-weight

Fgs. No flying an aeroplane is obvs not natural. Based on that rationale neither is half the stuff modern humans do.

But advances in technology that support our way of lives haven't completely usurped nature or our biological instincts. Following our natural instincts, women are the natural care givers for children.

Thanks for the link great article!
Men pretty much run the government, most private companies, the public sector and the media. If we really wanted a fairer deal, we could make it happen very quickly. We don't, because it's not in our interests.

Baby and toddler care can be rewarding, fun, moving, stimulating and lovely. But it can also be grubby, frustrating, repetitive, thankless and downright boring. The truth is that men don't really want to do childcare, and are successfully using convenient excuses to avoid it.

it's low status work, they want women to be the low status people so they can maintain their power and control and make sure that their interests are served first.

Do you think that humans should live according to our natural instincts?

The bar is lower for men as society tends to view them as the back up parent. On the other hand expectations of female parents are higher and this creates unnecessary stress. Plenty of male parents are just as capable though and likely happier in the role as less guilt prone.

You cannot actually know that. You may think that but you do not know that by any means. Being gay is natural, wanting a family is biologically programmed into all living things. That's about as natural as your situation goes though.

And this is their instinct...to be in a position of power and control, and not looking after small children. Maternal instinct is a drive to birth, nurture and protect offspring, which doesn’t exist in all women. My own mother had no maternal instinct whatsoever and my father was no better. But generally speaking, the natural instincts exist.

I think for Exclusively breastfed babies, it can be easier to understand if a v young baby has a preference for mum (due to smell of milk and association with food and comfort).

i think babies adapt and gain familiarity with others though - and part of how familiar they grow depends on what we expose them to. Mine tended to be more scared of unfamiliar men than unfamiliar women - they seemed to cry at deep voices. However, this could be overcome - 1 grandparent started feeding bits of cake or raisins to my toddler and over a few episodes she became comfortable with him and no longer scared.

I have strong instincts to nurture but I also like power and control!
I don't think it's just men that have these instincts (for power) rather they are better positioned to crush the instincts for power and control in women so that they can prevail

@Unusually Excellent article and very relevant to the thread.

I do wonder how much is because of biology or because of environmental conditioning from a young age.

Still haven’t read all the comments but good to see all the views and experiences. I shall read that book suggested by one poster, I find all these little facts very interesting.

Re going to work, I actually work from home 4 days a week and the office door is not closed, I’m pretty much constant visible presence and am able to help out - this is in reference to the separation anxiety and people who commented about being at work.

I do find this rather interesting and intriguing. Of course there are excellent fathers. Just very interested in the natural side of things and what part they play. We can’t deny that so many people (or women) say their DH don’t quite do as much. Of course society plays a big part, I guess a question would be how did society evolve into the way we are. I shall read that book. Was it due to natural inclinations. And of course there are countries that are much more progressive than others.

And the night time waking was just an example. And I’m not suggesting men shouldn’t get up. It’s more ok, I agree it’s tougher for you but you still will have to do it, but maybe less nights than me, for example….

On the night time waking - when oldest was tiny (6 weeks onwards) and both DH and I were at work we took turns. One night on and one night off. We both remember how much we appreciated that approach. On the night on we would know we would get a decent night's sleep the next night. On nights off the bliss of thinking 'not my turn'.

Something which helped DH in being SAHP (he took on this role when youngest was born) was that his family is very warm and affectionate. They are definitely huggers.

My family is not like this. Quite formal and often quite remote. Also often quite critical.

DH took pride in being SAHP. He saw it as his job and did it well. All major housework was done during the day leaving weekends free for family activities.

On the topic of night wakings as a man I did it because I HAD to do it. If I didn’t then it didn’t get done, and I obviously didn’t want my baby to suffer. The solution was having no safety net of Mum there picking up the slack!

If I was tired I’d make sure to catch zzzs when baby was asleep. I’m not historically an easy riser but being a sole carer focused the mind somewhat.

However I wouldn’t complain as the upside is that I didn’t need permission to make my own parenting decisions. I see a lot of blokes deferring to the mothers, rather than make parenting decisions equally as a team. I’ve been at liberty to really explore what parenting properly means and to do it to the best of my ability/vales.

@TheYChromosome - it is 1 strategy - split tasks on what each person finds easier - so overall you get things done more efficiently. BUT make sure that if he is doing less childcare, he does more cleaning/cooking/laundry/life admin to make up for it (as you will then being working you job plus taking on some childcare).

another way of looking at it is that baby may need more time to get used to DH, so he should spend MORE time with her/him (while you take on more cleaning/cooking etc). This may initially be hard, but may get easier as baby adjusts. This has a benefit of it being easier for either of you to travel to events etc and leave baby with the other parent).

i don’t think it really matters what the pattern in the general population is. It matters more how it works for you and your DH personally - a split that is fair and works well.

My DH is better with my DD then me, he has a calm and warm nature, he distracts her, makes her laugh when she gets in a mood, etc. I lose my patience faster, but I’ve learned from him, still learning tbh.

we both have had moments of stress or being fed up, but that happens rarely and then in that moment the one that is not that stressed picks up the slack

he’s not the only man I’ve seen being good with kids, his cousins are the same, my grandfather was great, etc

its just your husband and ofc other men too, it’s not something that it’s not in a “man’s nature”