Lift for 5 years - AIBU?

[Pinot4me]

I go to a hobby / interest 4 times a year. It’s a 60 mile round trip but it’s worth it. I really enjoy it and have met some lovely people.
We always go for a meal afterwards. I can never drink because I am always driving. 5 years ago somebody from the same village as me joined the group. She isn’t really a friend, more a neighbour that I am friendly with. She drove herself there for the first couple of times and then asked me if I would give her a lift. I naturally assumed that we would lift share but it just never happened.
She has never offered to drive me or contributed towards my fuel costs. So, basically we all go out and she has several drinks with her meal and I can only have one small one and we leave.

I have taken some annual leave next week and I asked her if she would drive as I really fancied having a few drinks for a change. She very reluctantly agreed but it was awkward and I could see she wasn’t keen.
She has messaged me today saying that she can’t imagine going out and not being able to have a few drinks (grim ) and that she had booked a taxi at a cost of £80 return. She then said so, half n half £40 each..

AIBU to be annoyed? I can’t afford £40 and I think she is cheeky to ask given that she has had free lifts for 5 years!

I’ve composed the following response but haven’t sent it yet… I suppose I am sense checking in case I am the one who is being unreasonable.

“ I can confirm that is indeed pretty grim to drive whilst everyone else drinks. It is what I do every time we go. I’m not up for sharing a taxi - I can’t afford it. Don’t worry about it, I will see you there”.

I honestly don’t feel inclined to give her a lift in future but don’t want the hassle of feeling awkward or causing upset.

Thoughts please.

Glad my suggestion of staying over has helped.
What I would suggest now is that if she mentions on your what's app group about a lift I would comment the following" sorry I can no longer facilitate free travel but I can no longer drive so far in one go (because you are no longer a mug)

Have you seen her drive recently? Just wondering if she has lost her license but is too embarrassed to say anything.

Doesn’t excuse the CF’ery, and you should definitely stand firm, but might explain so many excuses.

Can't wait to hear how she gets there in the end! Let us know OP!

Rise above this... maintain a dignified silence.
If you are asked/challenged... smile sweetly and say you have other plans... no further explanation.. you answer to no-one.
And repeat...
Enjoy you lovely evening and night away.. you deserve it!

Hope she doesn’t leave commenting until last minute.

She seems the sort that might try and worm her way in and suggest she goes earlier with you etc.

The only thing I wonder if it may come across as you changed plans and left her in lurch. Think most people will realise she is an adult but might be odd one who might feel sorry for her.

Although you don’t need to justify yourself I would be ready for it to be brought up in the group.

If it was me I would have an idea of what to say if it is brought up. Something along the lines of for a change I wanted a drink. That asked if CF could drive but she wasn’t keen as she wanted to have a drink. That she suggested getting a taxi and going halves. That didn’t work for you and would much rather turn it into a small getaway, staying over and catching up with a friend.

Anyone worth their salt will realise that CF has had a good run over the last few years. The difference between you and CF is that you came up with a solution like an adult, not expecting someone else to sort it out for you.

I hope you have a lovely time.

I am so invested in this thread. Have know a few CFs in my time. I think you have handled it perfectly.

I hope someone in your group is a Mumsnet person, and has read this thread. Your quotes from the WA chat will have confirmed to them that theirs approaching is exactly the same night out as you’ve been discussing… and they’ll know exactly who CF is, of course.
Fingers crossed, as that will be a story thrown about across the day/eve, not instigated nor taken part in by you.

I think you’ve played a blinder, and no, I would never give CF a lift again either.

Thanks for all your comments (I can’t believe how many there are). I promise I will update you all (or those that are still interested) on Thursday when I am home.

There have been a few more chatty comments on the WhatsApp group but nothing from CF. I haven’t commented further either. I figured that it was easier to say nothing unless it gets brought up specifically.

Tbh, I really hope she manages to get there - as somebody has pointed out she still has several options open to her, she may then appreciate how fortunate she has been to have been taxi’d there for 5 years (less covid times). Although, I realise that is wishful thinking - she has, so far been oblivious!

As you all know, I’ve told her I can’t take her (which should be enough) and I honestly think that how she gets there is her business and shouldn’t involve me.

I hope you flood your sm of photos of your room and your fabulous evening!

Good point.

Also, if it does come up again on the WhatsApp group so be prepared to simply say that your circumstances have changed and you can’t do it anymore. No need for any explanations.

“for 5 years (less covid times).”

That made me giggle!

Years ago I'd always say I couldn't do something because of ..... (and make up a reason).

As I've got older, I don't make excuses (or white lies). I just keep it simple and say I can't do it or it's not convenient.

You don't need to explain yourself for not giving her a lift, because people then come back and try to work round it, ie "well I'll come in the car early too and I'll go off and do some shopping and meet up with you later". This then prolongs the awkwardness. Just say you can't give her a lift on this occasion! Keep it short and sweet with no explanation.

I love these windows into other people's souls. It's astonishing just how unreasonable and entitled people can do, without ever noticing it themselves. It really makes you wonder what it must be like to think that way.

I’m expecting the next instalment to be that cf will request (demand) to travel with op on the earlier lift. She could always join them for coffee…, or go shopping… etc.

Yep, there ll definitely be some attempt to tag along, I really would be blocking her until you have already set off tomorrow OP

And then don’t answer any messages from her. You were having such a nice catch up with your friend, you didn’t check your phone….

My thoughts exactly. Please do this.

The reason she can't see the problem with being chauffeured everywhere is this:
It is easy and stressless for CF to sit in the passenger seat of OPs car. OP is sitting next to CF therefore her comfort conditions are identical (in CFs limited view)
CF cannot see or comprehend the inconvenience and the mental burden of OP designing her life around CFs convenience.
CF sees this as just a lift but it is so much more especially when OP is hanging around for an extra hour watching CF drink and chat whilst OP wants to go home
Now OP has taken away this lift for no reason that CF can see. This is incomprehensible to CF as she cannot see why OP doesn't want to arrange things around CF.

Especially when you realise that these people never change as well. The entitlement just seeps out of every pore for a lifetime.

I think everyone has to learn the lesson the hard way, though. Unfortunately for OP this is her time. I learnt the same lesson the hard way when I was at school and a “friend” and her “boyfriend” were similarly tight. Asking for petrol money contributions when they didn’t offer anyone else a lift (was a group trip, everyone else drove a few people each, they drove themselves around and still thought it was acceptable that others should chip in for their petrol). Then, later, stealing someone else’s deposit on the holiday home we rented (I assume as they didn’t get petrol money they just took this money instead) so someone put in a deposit and didn’t get their money back as a result.

Not to mention if you ever did give them a lift, when you dropped them home you’ve never seen someone say “bye” and bolt to their front door as quick. Of course, no offer of petrol money then, either.

Both weren’t short on cash, they just felt that others should pick up the bill. There’s no point continuing a friendship as you’ll either have a big falling out anyway when you call them out, or become a doormat. Neither option is worth it.

Ah, CF will be selflessly volunteering to keep OP company in her accommodation, without offering to pay of course!

No more WhatsApp chat tonight, OP?

As Terry Wogan used to say, "COURAGE" OP

Once again OP's approach and response to whatsapp have been spot on, well done.

Thinking about you today, hope you have a great time!