Lift for 5 years - AIBU?

[Pinot4me]

I go to a hobby / interest 4 times a year. It’s a 60 mile round trip but it’s worth it. I really enjoy it and have met some lovely people.
We always go for a meal afterwards. I can never drink because I am always driving. 5 years ago somebody from the same village as me joined the group. She isn’t really a friend, more a neighbour that I am friendly with. She drove herself there for the first couple of times and then asked me if I would give her a lift. I naturally assumed that we would lift share but it just never happened.
She has never offered to drive me or contributed towards my fuel costs. So, basically we all go out and she has several drinks with her meal and I can only have one small one and we leave.

I have taken some annual leave next week and I asked her if she would drive as I really fancied having a few drinks for a change. She very reluctantly agreed but it was awkward and I could see she wasn’t keen.
She has messaged me today saying that she can’t imagine going out and not being able to have a few drinks (grim ) and that she had booked a taxi at a cost of £80 return. She then said so, half n half £40 each..

AIBU to be annoyed? I can’t afford £40 and I think she is cheeky to ask given that she has had free lifts for 5 years!

I’ve composed the following response but haven’t sent it yet… I suppose I am sense checking in case I am the one who is being unreasonable.

“ I can confirm that is indeed pretty grim to drive whilst everyone else drinks. It is what I do every time we go. I’m not up for sharing a taxi - I can’t afford it. Don’t worry about it, I will see you there”.

I honestly don’t feel inclined to give her a lift in future but don’t want the hassle of feeling awkward or causing upset.

Thoughts please.

Great job OP. Enjoy your evening. Although I would have a retort prepared if she says something in front of the group to act the victim.

For me, it would be along the following lines, although you may want to tone it down-if she's that oblivious, she may keep hammering to try to get her own way. Some sort of summary so if needed afterwards you can say that you don't want to talk about it anymore & just sort yourselves out

'Look CF, I've gladly given you a lift for 5 years less covid & waited around for you to finish drinks etc without complaint. I've never asked for any contribution but that arrangement doesn't suit me now. You can make your own way to club if you want to. Now let's all enjoy our evening, cheers & merry Christmas all!'

I think it will be fine-the early day there sounds great & really hope you have a lovely evening!

Ah well if she doesn’t make it, you can use the wine as an excuse to let people know that after five years of lift sharing “less COVID” without a penny towards petrol, and waiting around for her to be ready to go, being treated like her chauffeur, you’re over it and won’t be driving her anymore.

At this point I think you need to be very direct.
You have taken the piss for years. You never take a turn driving. You never offer money towards fuel and now you seem to think I'm your taxi. I've had enough. I'm never giving you a lift again. Stop asking and stop hinting.

This is the way to go & you are doing amazing at just shutting it down each time.

Her original plan when OP asked for a lift was to get a taxi - that option is still open to her

Her options are

Drive and don't drink
Drive and stay over
Her husband to give lift and take children along
Husband to give lift and children sit with another relative
Taxi
Don't go

Plenty of valid options that do not involve op.

I bet her mum will have a miraculous recovery when no one else offers a lift.

I agree with this. She seems to feel like you are somehow obligated to help her get what she wants. Definitely stick to not commenting on her dilemma, she’s entirely independent of you and can work things out herself.

I’d also make sure I missed any calls/texts from her nearer to the time when she inevitably claims a last minute drama that means you have to step in.

Move on and stop fretting about it. You've made your plans. Don't make more drama or engage in it.

Your next message needs to include the word "grim" and mention how expensive petrol and/or taxis are.

I agree. But her original plan was to get OP to pay half her planned taxi fare! It is not in her plans to drive herself or pay for a taxi for herself...

Don't forget that the CF 'Friend' then came up with the plan that her husband could drive her there and either her mother or mother in law would sit with their children while he did that.
That option is still open to her.

All I'm saying at this point is @Pinot4me - don't get swayed into giving her a lift. Do try to get someone else in the group on your side, as someone else up thread suggested a 'wingman' for this situation.

Best of luck and please really do enjoy your evening! That above anything else is key at the moment!

If her husband drives her there, with kids in the back as assume it'll be early enough, then she only needs taxi one-way - which is the same as halving the cost of a taxi both ways with OP.
No excuse!! Apart from the fact cf doesn't want to.

Stay strong! The CF could easily drive herself she just doesn’t want to. You’ve got this 🙌🏻

I’d very much be inclined to leave your phone off in run up to event and just turn up alone as planned. I imagine there will be last minute contact from her either directly or on the chat. On the day I wouldn’t get drawn into it just enjoy the evening.
In New Year I’d just arrange to go to next event alone and if she’s cheeky enough to ask then say no you wont be giving her a lift again going forwards. If she asks why then I’d tell her.

Honesty would be best. Tell her why you're annoyed. Sometimes clearing the air is the way to go.

she's already done this... twice

CF is not giving up easily

no she doesnt think its their problem she wanted to out you-very conniving

i would just put you can drive yourself if she says anything further or someone else does

I’m embarrassed at how invested I am
in this. But; I think you do need to explain to the rest of the group - maybe just tell the one with the biggest mouth and let them do the work 😂

otherwise, it looks like you have just let her down and dropped her in the lurch. And CF knows exactly what she’s doing popping it in the group chat. I bet the rest of the group assume she contributes .

Stay strong op!!
We are all rooting for you to keep to your own plans and put yourself first !

I know I'm late to the party, though been heavily invested in this.

What I would say is that, even if she offers to drive in future, I'd be really mindful about going with her. If she finds it so hard to imagine going for a meal without having a few drinks, I wouldn't put it past her to have just one too many ("oh, I've only had two glasses, I'm fine to drive, I'm completely sober").

For now no need to explain anything further. You are meeting up with a friend and staying the night locally. And if she does ask then no, she can't share your room.

Totally not too invested, but Wednesday can't come soon enough.

I suspect her original plan was to get OP to change her mind and drive them there, because the taxi cost was so high.

I don't think the CF had any intention of ever booking a taxi, even if OP had agreed to pay half. She'd have found some way to wiggle out of it.

Ha! As predicted. Babysitter ill* and emotional blackmail to the whole group. All the extra planning (seeing friend before and hotel room after) is not OTT but necessary. Love your breezy no can do message.

*I suspect DH giving such a massive lift and DM babysitting was made up anyway.

Switch off your read notifications on WhatsApp so CF won't know if you've read her desperate messages or not