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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lift for 5 years - AIBU?

921 replies

Pinot4me · 28/11/2022 20:07

I go to a hobby / interest 4 times a year. It’s a 60 mile round trip but it’s worth it. I really enjoy it and have met some lovely people.
We always go for a meal afterwards. I can never drink because I am always driving. 5 years ago somebody from the same village as me joined the group. She isn’t really a friend, more a neighbour that I am friendly with. She drove herself there for the first couple of times and then asked me if I would give her a lift. I naturally assumed that we would lift share but it just never happened.
She has never offered to drive me or contributed towards my fuel costs. So, basically we all go out and she has several drinks with her meal and I can only have one small one and we leave.

I have taken some annual leave next week and I asked her if she would drive as I really fancied having a few drinks for a change. She very reluctantly agreed but it was awkward and I could see she wasn’t keen.
She has messaged me today saying that she can’t imagine going out and not being able to have a few drinks (grim ) and that she had booked a taxi at a cost of £80 return. She then said so, half n half £40 each..

AIBU to be annoyed? I can’t afford £40 and I think she is cheeky to ask given that she has had free lifts for 5 years!

I’ve composed the following response but haven’t sent it yet… I suppose I am sense checking in case I am the one who is being unreasonable.

“ I can confirm that is indeed pretty grim to drive whilst everyone else drinks. It is what I do every time we go. I’m not up for sharing a taxi - I can’t afford it. Don’t worry about it, I will see you there”.

I honestly don’t feel inclined to give her a lift in future but don’t want the hassle of feeling awkward or causing upset.

Thoughts please.

OP posts:
XanaduKira · 04/12/2022 20:44

Well done on shutting that down so quickly. Stay strong Op!

new2zumba · 04/12/2022 20:45

When is the party?

magicalorange · 04/12/2022 20:46

She can fucking well drive herself and not drink, like you do every time!

She's being a manipulative cow again op. She's perfectly capable of driving, she just doesn't want to.

Original poster
Pinot4me · 04/12/2022 20:48

I’m actually getting quite annoyed that I am in this position tbh. I feel like I did a kind thing, I’ve given someone a lift for 5 years (less Covid 😉). I didn’t really care about the money for fuel as I was going anyway. The pub afterwards is something that I enjoy, sometimes I have food and one small wine, sometimes I have a soft drink, but I always have to wait longer for CF to finish hers..I was often ready a good hour or so before her - this is what started to rile me.. I am not her minder or taxi.
if someone had given me as many lifts as I have given her, I would jump at the chance of repaying them. I think she is annoyed because it’s the Christmas meal and a bit more of an event. I have driven in previous years but not this time!

OP posts:
liarliarshortsonfire · 04/12/2022 20:52

So she's making it appear she can't make it at all, when that's not the case, she could easily drive herself! Ffs I'm not surprised you're starting to get annoyed

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/12/2022 20:54

I doubt you will have missed a Christmas meal during covid. Her attitude makes it even worse that it’s a Christmas meal and she’s not reciprocated once in all that time. Well done for shutting her down. If she doesn’t go, you could tell the others your issue face to face.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/12/2022 20:54

PuddyR79 · 04/12/2022 17:50

I think it's Wednesday of next week.

Looking forward to the update OP, hope you have a great time!

Show quote history

Thanks. I’d forgotten.

pictish · 04/12/2022 20:55

The problem with kind long-standing arrangements like this is that gratitude becomes expectation which then turns into entitlement. That is exactly what has happened here. She hasn’t accepted the no, even grudgingly. Her entitlement is now such that she feels a guilt trip is justified to get what she wants.
She will genuinely feel like the victim in this.

MadelineUsher · 04/12/2022 20:57

I always have to wait longer for CF to finish hers..I was often ready a good hour or so before her - this is what started to rile me.. I am not her minder or taxi.

The gall of her! It just gets worse and worse.

FairFuming · 04/12/2022 21:02

Pinot4me · 04/12/2022 20:36

I actually started typing, “why don’t you just drive yourself” and then deleted it. I decided it wasn’t my business and I dont want to be having the conversation with her so publicly..
Honestly, it like teenager problems. Ridiculous!
I wonder why she feels that getting there is everyone else’s problem. I can’t fathom it.

Show quote history

I was about to suggest getting a friend of yours from the group to say something alone the lines of "oh no! Can't you drive? It must be so hard always relying on lifts"

amiold · 04/12/2022 21:02

@Pinot4me is she friends with the person who said "don't you usually travel with p4m".. could it be plausible it's been discussed out of the chat and they've tried to put you on the spot?

Original poster
Pinot4me · 04/12/2022 21:04

pictish · 04/12/2022 20:55

The problem with kind long-standing arrangements like this is that gratitude becomes expectation which then turns into entitlement. That is exactly what has happened here. She hasn’t accepted the no, even grudgingly. Her entitlement is now such that she feels a guilt trip is justified to get what she wants.
She will genuinely feel like the victim in this.

Yes. This is an interesting way of looking at it. I have tried to do a good thing and now (her perception) is that I’m doing a bad thing by not taking her. It’s my fault that she now can’t go etc. She genuinely doesn’t get it. That much was obvious when she phoned me..
She is not a bad person just a very self centred one it seems.
ideally I can step back from this, she can get herself there and I can go back to enjoying a group that I have attended for many years without there being any bad feeling.
I’m hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. Put it that way!
Maybe I need to be more direct, spell it out to her and shut it all down given that she doesn’t seem to be getting it.

OP posts:
pictish · 04/12/2022 21:05

FairFuming · 04/12/2022 21:02

I was about to suggest getting a friend of yours from the group to say something alone the lines of "oh no! Can't you drive? It must be so hard always relying on lifts"

Show quote history

No. It’s not necessary. OP has decided and acted accordingly and that is all there needs to be to it.

Original poster
Pinot4me · 04/12/2022 21:06

amiold · 04/12/2022 21:02

@Pinot4me is she friends with the person who said "don't you usually travel with p4m".. could it be plausible it's been discussed out of the chat and they've tried to put you on the spot?

No, they are not particularly friendly outside of the group.
I wondered the same thing.
she hasn’t commented further - yet!

OP posts:
HollaHolla · 04/12/2022 21:06

What a complete brass neck she has!! Well done you for staying strong.
I’m usually in your position, as really don’t mind driving/live out of town - but I’d be exactly the same, if I were in your position.
You enjoy your treat to yourself, and DO NOT CAVE in the future. Have a lovely time.

Mix56 · 04/12/2022 21:13

I would have been hard pushed not to say on group Whatsapp,
Of course, you just drive yourself up by yourself, its not rocket science!!!🤣

SalviaOfficinalis · 04/12/2022 21:14

That message on the group chat is very cheeky. She’s probably wondering if someone else will take her!

LookItsMeAgain · 04/12/2022 21:16

Are you friendly with any of the other people on the group chat? You could have a word with them - kind of get them on side if she starts off with the sob stories?

amiold · 04/12/2022 21:20

@Pinot4me oh that's good. I wondered if she'd tried the old sob story on them. Perhaps she had approached them for a lift 😂

StClare101 · 04/12/2022 21:22

I think the problem with a “why don’t you drive yourself” message is she’ll probably lie and say both her cars have broken down or similar. Say nothing further would be my advice and enjoy your well deserved night out!

moresleepstillnever · 04/12/2022 21:27

Silence is a powerful tool. Say nothing. Let her guilt tripping be met with... nothingness.

forrestgreen · 04/12/2022 21:30

If you have a long-standing friend there. I'd give them a quiet update, it's good to have a wingman

Anothernamechange1010 · 04/12/2022 21:39

Obviously hindsight is a wonderful thing...but, back at the very beginning, if you'd said "I drove last time, it's your turn now" but tbh she sounds like such a CF that she'd have wheedled her way out...but at least it wouldn't have been 5 years before you felt like this.

Anyway, good for you - and don't feel badly for her!!! CF's get their comeuppance, this is hers!

It sounds like you're going to have a lovely time away, and it would be such a shame if she now can't make it to the meetings (ever.again.)

MeridianB · 04/12/2022 21:40

I knew it! So predictable these CFs!

Well done OP!

MountainChalet · 04/12/2022 22:15

The entitlement and the cheekiness although somewhat unsurprising coming from a CF. I'm sure she still hasn't used all her manipulation techniques.

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