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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lift for 5 years - AIBU?

921 replies

Pinot4me · 28/11/2022 20:07

I go to a hobby / interest 4 times a year. It’s a 60 mile round trip but it’s worth it. I really enjoy it and have met some lovely people.
We always go for a meal afterwards. I can never drink because I am always driving. 5 years ago somebody from the same village as me joined the group. She isn’t really a friend, more a neighbour that I am friendly with. She drove herself there for the first couple of times and then asked me if I would give her a lift. I naturally assumed that we would lift share but it just never happened.
She has never offered to drive me or contributed towards my fuel costs. So, basically we all go out and she has several drinks with her meal and I can only have one small one and we leave.

I have taken some annual leave next week and I asked her if she would drive as I really fancied having a few drinks for a change. She very reluctantly agreed but it was awkward and I could see she wasn’t keen.
She has messaged me today saying that she can’t imagine going out and not being able to have a few drinks (grim ) and that she had booked a taxi at a cost of £80 return. She then said so, half n half £40 each..

AIBU to be annoyed? I can’t afford £40 and I think she is cheeky to ask given that she has had free lifts for 5 years!

I’ve composed the following response but haven’t sent it yet… I suppose I am sense checking in case I am the one who is being unreasonable.

“ I can confirm that is indeed pretty grim to drive whilst everyone else drinks. It is what I do every time we go. I’m not up for sharing a taxi - I can’t afford it. Don’t worry about it, I will see you there”.

I honestly don’t feel inclined to give her a lift in future but don’t want the hassle of feeling awkward or causing upset.

Thoughts please.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 02/12/2022 21:05

MountainChalet · 02/12/2022 20:15

The more she knows about your arrangements, the more likely she'll try to travel with you. Stop giving her the time of day. I wouldn't reply to any more messages.

Agree.

startfresh · 03/12/2022 00:19

liarliarshortsonfire · 02/12/2022 07:23

I'd have been sorely tempted to just say I'm driving, and leave the bit out about not coming home to see her reaction. But that's just me

Well done for standing your ground though op.

I would have done exactly this. "Yes I'm driving" just to see what she tried and how much of a CF she could be.

Therealjudgejudy · 03/12/2022 02:18

Well done OP.

Have a fantastic time 😀

MILLYmo0se · 03/12/2022 09:06

Tbh I d block her phone number and on all social media from the morning before the event to prevent any whinging and shenanigans

ifIwerenotanandroid · 03/12/2022 17:05

I reckon you'll get a call saying:

It seems silly for TWO people to drive, & since you said you're going anyway, I'll go with you. After all, we should ALL be using less fuel, shouldn't we, to save the planet? It seems such a waste otherwise.

CrappyUsername · 03/12/2022 21:45

She's going to think of something to get a lift a with you or stay the night with you.

Have your excuses ready!!

You could say you're going for a few days and staying on your friend's sofa... you said you used to live in that area.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/12/2022 17:08

Is the meet this weekend? Did all go ok?

keepcalm11 · 04/12/2022 17:43

OP's responses to the CF have been perfect, Hope you have a lovely time !

PuddyR79 · 04/12/2022 17:50

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/12/2022 17:08

Is the meet this weekend? Did all go ok?

I think it's Wednesday of next week.

Looking forward to the update OP, hope you have a great time!

PeachyPeachTrees · 04/12/2022 19:43

Oh woe is me, now my whole family is inconvenienced because you won't give me a lift!
Well done OP for your short and to the point replies.

Original poster
Pinot4me · 04/12/2022 20:28

It’s started!
Someone posted on the WhatsApp group that they were really looking forward to getting together etc etc. a few comments from others and then CF waded in with the following, “I’m really hoping I can still make it, I’m struggling for a lift” and then a sob story about her poorly mum who was supposed to be babysitting so that her husband could take her etc…with lots of sad 😞 faces.
This was followed by a few “Oh no” style comments and then someone said don’t you usually come with P4M? So, I jumped in quickly to say that my plans had changed and that I was heading over early to meet up with a an old friend for a coffee (which I am) before the meet and then staying over so that I could really enjoy the Christmas ‘spirit’.
Nobody seems to question it. Why would they?! There’s lots of chatter on there and we are not that important so hopefully it will just fade away.
I don’t intend to discuss it with any of them..
I am still determined, to have a lovely time and put myself first..

It has made it much easier because I have an ‘excuse’ I’m not sure how I’d feel if I read her comment and I was driving there and back. I know I’d feel bad.

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 04/12/2022 20:31

The poorly mum - yep, just as pp predicted!

dontputitthere · 04/12/2022 20:33

Honestly what a conniving bitch! Pulling the sympathy vote from everyone.

Well done.

I couldn't have resisted putting something about how it's a shame she can't just drive up herself as she did originally. Why isn't that even an option now?

Stay strong. I knew she wouldn't go without a fight...!

Madamum18 · 04/12/2022 20:34

Pinot4me · 04/12/2022 20:28

It’s started!
Someone posted on the WhatsApp group that they were really looking forward to getting together etc etc. a few comments from others and then CF waded in with the following, “I’m really hoping I can still make it, I’m struggling for a lift” and then a sob story about her poorly mum who was supposed to be babysitting so that her husband could take her etc…with lots of sad 😞 faces.
This was followed by a few “Oh no” style comments and then someone said don’t you usually come with P4M? So, I jumped in quickly to say that my plans had changed and that I was heading over early to meet up with a an old friend for a coffee (which I am) before the meet and then staying over so that I could really enjoy the Christmas ‘spirit’.
Nobody seems to question it. Why would they?! There’s lots of chatter on there and we are not that important so hopefully it will just fade away.
I don’t intend to discuss it with any of them..
I am still determined, to have a lovely time and put myself first..

It has made it much easier because I have an ‘excuse’ I’m not sure how I’d feel if I read her comment and I was driving there and back. I know I’d feel bad.

Such behaviours are unsurprising from her really. It's how she has got her own way all her life I suspect! Well done for sticking to your guns!

Picoloangel · 04/12/2022 20:36

Start strong! You’ve handled this superbly. She’s trying to guilt you - as we all knew she would - but it’s not your problem. Has she given a single thought to your circumstances over the last 5 years? No! She hasn’t even offered petrol. It’s not your job to be her taxi.
enjoy your trip and keep us all posted.
possibly a tiny bit over invested in this

Thisusernameisfree · 04/12/2022 20:36

Pinot4me · 04/12/2022 20:28

It’s started!
Someone posted on the WhatsApp group that they were really looking forward to getting together etc etc. a few comments from others and then CF waded in with the following, “I’m really hoping I can still make it, I’m struggling for a lift” and then a sob story about her poorly mum who was supposed to be babysitting so that her husband could take her etc…with lots of sad 😞 faces.
This was followed by a few “Oh no” style comments and then someone said don’t you usually come with P4M? So, I jumped in quickly to say that my plans had changed and that I was heading over early to meet up with a an old friend for a coffee (which I am) before the meet and then staying over so that I could really enjoy the Christmas ‘spirit’.
Nobody seems to question it. Why would they?! There’s lots of chatter on there and we are not that important so hopefully it will just fade away.
I don’t intend to discuss it with any of them..
I am still determined, to have a lovely time and put myself first..

It has made it much easier because I have an ‘excuse’ I’m not sure how I’d feel if I read her comment and I was driving there and back. I know I’d feel bad.

Such a CF... She can still go... She just has to take the car and not drink or pay for the taxi!! 🙄

I would prepare yourself for her messaging you again directly since the "public shame and guilt" option hasn't worked.

I don't think she fully gets the issue, and still views it as, well you are going anyway. The cheek to not contribute to petrol money, offer to take turns, and then the gall to say it wasn't five years because of lockdown!!

LookItsMeAgain · 04/12/2022 20:36

This person has the neck of a jockeys whatsit! Unreal.

How dare she try to shame you or pressure you into giving her a lift on the group chat. She knew the score already and told you what her plans were/are.

I'm furious on your behalf. I would have called her out on that in the chat (you might still be able to) - like saying "Oh, CF friend, you had previously told me in our chat that you had your transportation arrangements sorted. Hope you're still going to be able to make it. See you whenever you get there."

She's gone from being a rude, thoughtless person to a fully fledged CF!

Original poster
Pinot4me · 04/12/2022 20:36

dontputitthere · 04/12/2022 20:33

Honestly what a conniving bitch! Pulling the sympathy vote from everyone.

Well done.

I couldn't have resisted putting something about how it's a shame she can't just drive up herself as she did originally. Why isn't that even an option now?

Stay strong. I knew she wouldn't go without a fight...!

I actually started typing, “why don’t you just drive yourself” and then deleted it. I decided it wasn’t my business and I dont want to be having the conversation with her so publicly..
Honestly, it like teenager problems. Ridiculous!
I wonder why she feels that getting there is everyone else’s problem. I can’t fathom it.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 04/12/2022 20:39

Pinot4me · 04/12/2022 20:36

I actually started typing, “why don’t you just drive yourself” and then deleted it. I decided it wasn’t my business and I dont want to be having the conversation with her so publicly..
Honestly, it like teenager problems. Ridiculous!
I wonder why she feels that getting there is everyone else’s problem. I can’t fathom it.

Show quote history

Definitely best to leave it. The temptation to type why don’t you just drive like I have for the last 15 times when I have you a lift is tempting though!

Noshowlomo · 04/12/2022 20:40

She can get there she just wants someone else to fucking drive her! What a knob

pictish · 04/12/2022 20:40

She’s not struggling for a lift, she can drive there herself. She’s struggling to find someone willing to take her there and back so she can drink.
She can stick her sad faces up her bum.

Dixiechickonhols · 04/12/2022 20:41

gave not have

pictish · 04/12/2022 20:42

Oh and you’re right not to comment. Don’t get involved with it. You’ve drawn your line in the sand. Stay behind it.

gettingolderandgrumpier · 04/12/2022 20:42

I wonder if she doesn’t like driving on motorways but won’t say ?. I know people like this who will not drive outside their home town , refuse to drive on motorways etc.
I get she wants a drink but in all honesty if the only way of getting there was driving then you’d do it or book a taxi no idea why she’s turning this into a problem and expecting sympathy for something that can easily be resolved by driving herself , it’s madness.

amonsteronthehill · 04/12/2022 20:43

Ah yes, the 'ill mother' bollocks.

She was hoping to have help guilting you into taking her. Glad you shut that down.