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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Lift for 5 years - AIBU?

921 replies

Pinot4me · 28/11/2022 20:07

I go to a hobby / interest 4 times a year. It’s a 60 mile round trip but it’s worth it. I really enjoy it and have met some lovely people.
We always go for a meal afterwards. I can never drink because I am always driving. 5 years ago somebody from the same village as me joined the group. She isn’t really a friend, more a neighbour that I am friendly with. She drove herself there for the first couple of times and then asked me if I would give her a lift. I naturally assumed that we would lift share but it just never happened.
She has never offered to drive me or contributed towards my fuel costs. So, basically we all go out and she has several drinks with her meal and I can only have one small one and we leave.

I have taken some annual leave next week and I asked her if she would drive as I really fancied having a few drinks for a change. She very reluctantly agreed but it was awkward and I could see she wasn’t keen.
She has messaged me today saying that she can’t imagine going out and not being able to have a few drinks (grim ) and that she had booked a taxi at a cost of £80 return. She then said so, half n half £40 each..

AIBU to be annoyed? I can’t afford £40 and I think she is cheeky to ask given that she has had free lifts for 5 years!

I’ve composed the following response but haven’t sent it yet… I suppose I am sense checking in case I am the one who is being unreasonable.

“ I can confirm that is indeed pretty grim to drive whilst everyone else drinks. It is what I do every time we go. I’m not up for sharing a taxi - I can’t afford it. Don’t worry about it, I will see you there”.

I honestly don’t feel inclined to give her a lift in future but don’t want the hassle of feeling awkward or causing upset.

Thoughts please.

OP posts:
christmas2022 · 02/12/2022 08:08

AhNowTed · 02/12/2022 07:59

"CF: Are you driving then?"

She was going to ask for a lift 😂

This CF is like a dog with a bone. Still doesn't have the self awareness of what prompted this whole debacle and prepared to continue in her CF endeavours.

Absolutely love the approach OP has taken - we could all learn a thing or two, me included.

Completely get the afford / justify difference also.

christmas2022 · 02/12/2022 08:08

Riverlee · 02/12/2022 08:07

Just read update. I suspect she doesn’t like driving, or least driving that distance, hence wanting a taxi and husband driving. However, that’s no excuse for not offering petrol money - in fact more if a reason as without you, she wouldn’t be able to go (or would have to fork out on train fares etc).

Stay strong- the mumsnet army are behind you.

Nope.

She just cannot bear to be alcohol deprived.

dontputitthere · 02/12/2022 08:10

Funny how she could drive herself there and back no problem before she realised how convenient the op was... but now he's all agony and babysitting and calling in family to help... the heart bleeds

Well done op. Stay strong. Sounds light and airy your side. She can't nit pick with that.

MichelleScarn · 02/12/2022 08:13

Fishing for something definitely!

I'm opening a book on either cf dm or dh becoming ill or stuck at last minute for either or both legs of journey cue sad cf post to WhatsApp group with "oh dear, can't come/get home 😭😭 can ANYBODY help".....

Penguinsaregreat · 02/12/2022 08:13

Well done op.
what a cf your neighbour is, some people are.

TinyTear · 02/12/2022 08:23

pissingrain · 02/12/2022 07:16

Well done!
Just wondering though - is the bit about her mum babysitting the kids designed to guilt trip you? Why do kids needs to be looked after? To me they'd just go in the back seat.

You have succeeded in taking the wind out of her sails though and removing any potential for any further ado

An evening event?? 30 miles away?
Would you drag small kids for the trip and sit in the car doing what during the event?

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 02/12/2022 08:27

Glad you stood your ground. Enjoy your night away

Pinot4me · 02/12/2022 08:29

AngelontopoftheTree · 02/12/2022 08:03

Be prepared for her to ask you to drive her there, and say that her DH will pick her up

Can you make plans to go early? Check into your room, spend the day browsing local shops etc?
Be prepared for when she asks to get a lift there, so you can say.... Sorry, I'm not going straight there / I'm going at 11am to do a few things on the way....

To be honest, this is exactly what I am going to say. I am on annual leave next week so I plan to head over there early and have a mooch in the nearest town. If she asks me that is what I will tell her because it is the truth!
The bigger picture is that I don’t want to share lifts (in any way, shape or form) going forward but I will take it one step at a time and get through this one first..
As I have said, we only meet 4 times a year so once this meet is out of the way, the next one isn’t until March. I will make it clear long before then that not lift sharing is a permanent arrangement.
I really don’t think she gets it. Her thought processes are very cell centred and selfish. I have been going to the group for much longer than her (I used to live in the area and just carried on when I moved). She only joined 5 years ago. I’m older than her and my circumstances are different - maybe that’s what she felt so entitled.

OP posts:
Rainbowshit · 02/12/2022 09:20

Yep she's going to ask for a lift. She does not have the awareness to realise that she's totally fucked her cushy lift arrangement for the sake of paying an extra £40 on a taxi.

Emotionalsupportviper · 02/12/2022 09:30

It feels like by accepting the lift now I would just be delaying the inevitable confrontation, I’ve come this far I may as well just plod on.

You are spot on.

This would just open the door to continuing by perhaps "lift-sharing", which would again slide into "you do the driving my car has a flat battery" territory.

Then before you know it, you're back where you started.

pissingrain · 02/12/2022 10:32

How is CF planning to get home after the meal? I wonder if she'd have asked you how you were getting home and just sat there waiting for an offer of a lift... But now you've said you're staying so she'll need a rethink 🤔

MyrrAgain · 02/12/2022 10:42

It's going to be.... Husband can pick me up after, can you give me a lift there to save him coming twice? As you're going anyway

I'd suggest not replying until an hour before the event and say you're already there..couldn't reply earlier sorry love, I was driving!

MinnieGirl · 02/12/2022 10:44

I would ignore her txts the day before the event, as there is sure to be a crisis…. Hubby’s car not working, mother is poorly, husband is poorly etc etc….
She clearly doesn’t get that she’s a CF or that if she didn’t drink she could easily drive herself. And you!

Slv199 · 02/12/2022 11:04

Hopefully 'I've made plans' is suitably vague to cover not giving her a lift there either. It could easily be before the event too.

I hope you have a good time OP and well done for standing up for yourself.

AlleycatMarie · 02/12/2022 11:09

You have handled this so well. Even after you said you have made other plans she was still fishing for a lift by asking ‘oh are you driving?’. She really has no shame.
Enjoy making the most of having the day off, have a wander, shop, lovely cafe for lunch etc!!

Lunde · 02/12/2022 11:27

You are doing well holding firm

Just be wary on the day that some "emergency" doesn't stop her DH driving - I also think that now she knows that you are driving that she will expect a lift home - so watch out

Iliveinanoodie · 02/12/2022 11:31

Well done for sticking to your guns whilst remaining classy. You did better than I would have, but you are quite right in not letting it get where there's bad feeling at the events. Have a lovely time.

MeridianB · 02/12/2022 11:40

MyrrAgain · 02/12/2022 10:42

It's going to be.... Husband can pick me up after, can you give me a lift there to save him coming twice? As you're going anyway

I'd suggest not replying until an hour before the event and say you're already there..couldn't reply earlier sorry love, I was driving!

This! You know she will do it.

Or it will be that her mother can't have the children, so DH can't drop her. Or car problems. Or something.

You're on a roll with shaking her off - just the final hurdle to go!

TellingBone · 02/12/2022 11:48

Next thing, husband's car 'breaks down' on way to pick her up so she has to share your room [free, natch]

'Ware the wily ways of the CF

Mix56 · 02/12/2022 15:14

Beware, if saying you are going shopping before, she might say "Oh perfect I'd love to go Xmas shopping !", you need a better excuse,
as you're on holiday, maybe say you are going a few days before & staying with friends, Yes do not mention the hotel, she will elbow in

Sprouttreesareamazing · 02/12/2022 15:26

So she didn't want to put her dh /dc out to get a lift but wasn't bothered about exoe one off you? Hope you have a single room booked or she will be trying to bunk in with you!!

amonsteronthehill · 02/12/2022 17:57

AhNowTed · 02/12/2022 07:59

"CF: Are you driving then?"

She was going to ask for a lift 😂

Yep! And she probably will soon, asking for a 'one way' lift and her husband will pick her up. But OP can save him having to make the trip twice.

Just say no if she does, OP. She's still missed the point of her failure to contribute to running costs these past 5 years.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 02/12/2022 18:46

She'll be upping the ante soon and asking to top and tail as well as for a lift home!!😂

MountainChalet · 02/12/2022 20:15

The more she knows about your arrangements, the more likely she'll try to travel with you. Stop giving her the time of day. I wouldn't reply to any more messages.

pissingrain · 02/12/2022 20:54

She'll be getting really annoyed with you for failing to adjust your plans and give her a lift theré and back. Her eyes will be boring a hole in you at the meal 👀