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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lift for 5 years - AIBU?

921 replies

Pinot4me · 28/11/2022 20:07

I go to a hobby / interest 4 times a year. It’s a 60 mile round trip but it’s worth it. I really enjoy it and have met some lovely people.
We always go for a meal afterwards. I can never drink because I am always driving. 5 years ago somebody from the same village as me joined the group. She isn’t really a friend, more a neighbour that I am friendly with. She drove herself there for the first couple of times and then asked me if I would give her a lift. I naturally assumed that we would lift share but it just never happened.
She has never offered to drive me or contributed towards my fuel costs. So, basically we all go out and she has several drinks with her meal and I can only have one small one and we leave.

I have taken some annual leave next week and I asked her if she would drive as I really fancied having a few drinks for a change. She very reluctantly agreed but it was awkward and I could see she wasn’t keen.
She has messaged me today saying that she can’t imagine going out and not being able to have a few drinks (grim ) and that she had booked a taxi at a cost of £80 return. She then said so, half n half £40 each..

AIBU to be annoyed? I can’t afford £40 and I think she is cheeky to ask given that she has had free lifts for 5 years!

I’ve composed the following response but haven’t sent it yet… I suppose I am sense checking in case I am the one who is being unreasonable.

“ I can confirm that is indeed pretty grim to drive whilst everyone else drinks. It is what I do every time we go. I’m not up for sharing a taxi - I can’t afford it. Don’t worry about it, I will see you there”.

I honestly don’t feel inclined to give her a lift in future but don’t want the hassle of feeling awkward or causing upset.

Thoughts please.

OP posts:
Tillybobbins · 30/11/2022 20:55

You’re far more patient than me OP. After the first lift (when she didn’t offer to pay towards fuel) I’d have expected her to reciprocate. Thereafter I’d have been irritated/ wary/ finding a reason not to be an available driver.
Yes, avoid confrontation as she’s most likely experienced in this and knows how to react. Play the “innocent” card - didn’t you know X had invited me to stay over/ I thought you knew what I’d organised/ it didn’t occur to me. That way she can’t argue back.
To
no good deed goes unpunished
I’ll add
never give a sucker an even break.

Have a great time at the reunion and let us know how it goes, will you?

Viorica13 · 30/11/2022 21:00

I love your answer and personally I think that I would have added "maybe after 5 years of free taxi rides with you I will afford paying my half, but not right now. Thank you." 😉😊

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/11/2022 21:59

MyrrAgain · 30/11/2022 17:43

I can't believe she's willing to pay £40 just to have a few drinks and get out of driving you both!

She probably isn't - Prolly hopes the OP will think "40 QUID! I'll take the car!"

If so, all I can say is "Well! That worked well, didn't it CF?" 😂

DunkingMyDonuts · 30/11/2022 23:27

Please send that message a.s.a.p

🙄

DunkingMyDonuts · 30/11/2022 23:29

Sent too soon - Was quoting a PP who obviously cba to read the OP's posts I wasn't saying that myself!

Colcat · 01/12/2022 07:14

I doubt she will go.

Original poster
Pinot4me · 02/12/2022 07:05

For those that are still interested, we exchanged some texts last night (and I promised to update you all🤦‍♀️). This is not verbatim but you get the gist….

CF: I have asked my Mum to sit with the kids and my husband is going to drive
Me: Thats’s good news - See you there!
CF: I thought you wanted a lift?
Me: Thanks for offering but, no thanks. I have made other plans now.
CF: Are you driving then?
Me: Yes, but I am not coming home so I will see you there.
CF: oh, ok.

It’s all a bit awkward but I am determined not to cave. I also want to keep it as civil as I can as I am trying to minimise the awkwardness.
It feels like by accepting the lift now I would just be delaying the inevitable confrontation, I’ve come this far I may as well just plod on.

OP posts:
MadelineUsher · 02/12/2022 07:15

I’ve come this far I may as well just plod on.

Exactly. Stay strong! (Her poor husband.)

pissingrain · 02/12/2022 07:16

Well done!
Just wondering though - is the bit about her mum babysitting the kids designed to guilt trip you? Why do kids needs to be looked after? To me they'd just go in the back seat.

You have succeeded in taking the wind out of her sails though and removing any potential for any further ado

MichelleScarn · 02/12/2022 07:17

Go you @Pinot4me ! Have the feeling that had.you taken a lift, it would be a dear diary moment and oft mentioned throughout the night and henceforth!

MrsHGWells · 02/12/2022 07:19

well done OP hold your ground.

CF’s offer is laced with guilt and victimisation on you for not driving.. “ husband will drive us, mum looking after kids” - all screams - see how inconvenient you have made this for me!

don’t take the bait

liarliarshortsonfire · 02/12/2022 07:23

I'd have been sorely tempted to just say I'm driving, and leave the bit out about not coming home to see her reaction. But that's just me

Well done for standing your ground though op.

Picoloangel · 02/12/2022 07:25

Stay strong! She’s trying to guilt you. Her childcare arrangements, husband’s taxi driving etc are none of your concern. Plus if you’d accepted, it would be your turn again for the next 5 years.

cushionfiend · 02/12/2022 07:50

Thanks for coming back and updating. Hold firm - this won't be the last you hear of this, she will definitely be asking (expecting) lifts in the new year, don't let her guilt trip you. It's not like she can't drive, she just doesn't want to! The only reason her mum is babysitting and her husband is driving is so she can have a few d

CurzonDax · 02/12/2022 07:51

Well done OP - enjoy your meal and night away!

If you had taken her left with her DH, you would have been forever reminded of what a favour they all (her, her DH, and her mum) did you that one time.

I wonder if her DH is going home between the journeys (so there and back home, and the same later to collect), or if he is planning to stay in the area, and occupy himself for a few hours, until she is ready to be collected (as it is 60 miles and that may be why her mum is planning to look after the children).

Be prepared for her to ask you to drive her there, and say that her DH will pick her up (so he only has to make the journey once, instead of twice, or save himself hours of hanging around). Stay strong if she asks this. Her DH's inconvenience is not on you - it's on her for taking advantage of you for so long, and for not wanting to not drink - once!

XanaduKira · 02/12/2022 07:52

Picoloangel · 02/12/2022 07:25

Stay strong! She’s trying to guilt you. Her childcare arrangements, husband’s taxi driving etc are none of your concern. Plus if you’d accepted, it would be your turn again for the next 5 years.

Absolutely this. Stay strong Op & don't cave in otherwise she'll expect it's your turn next time!

Raindancer411 · 02/12/2022 07:53

Stay strong, as others have said, I think it's not the last you will hear, even after this time...

Mix56 · 02/12/2022 07:54

She was fishing, for a lift home ?
Shes still not prepared to be a grown up & drive herself/ not drink

cushionfiend · 02/12/2022 07:54

Accidentally sent! So she can have a few drinks - she's been able to do that for 5 years. Stand your ground! Unless she sees the error of her ways after this and offers to alternate driving weeks with you going forward (and sticks to it).

Dixiechickonhols · 02/12/2022 07:55

I think you’ve made right decision to draw a line in sand. Definitely be prepared for shenanigans on day - ‘husband stuck at work’ can I come with you. I think your I’ve already made plans is good line.

AngelontopoftheTree · 02/12/2022 07:58

I think you're being very classy about the whole thing.
Tempting though it might be to be mean & cause drama, as some posters have suggested, you've simply solved your own problem and been polite throughout. You are in a social group together, you can remain friendly without getting worried that you've said or done anything wrong.

AhNowTed · 02/12/2022 07:59

"CF: Are you driving then?"

She was going to ask for a lift 😂

rookiemere · 02/12/2022 08:01

She's so going to come back and ask for a lift to the venue Grin.
Be strong OP !

AngelontopoftheTree · 02/12/2022 08:03

Be prepared for her to ask you to drive her there, and say that her DH will pick her up

Can you make plans to go early? Check into your room, spend the day browsing local shops etc?
Be prepared for when she asks to get a lift there, so you can say.... Sorry, I'm not going straight there / I'm going at 11am to do a few things on the way....

Riverlee · 02/12/2022 08:07

Just read update. I suspect she doesn’t like driving, or least driving that distance, hence wanting a taxi and husband driving. However, that’s no excuse for not offering petrol money - in fact more if a reason as without you, she wouldn’t be able to go (or would have to fork out on train fares etc).

Stay strong- the mumsnet army are behind you.