Lift for 5 years - AIBU?

[Pinot4me]

I go to a hobby / interest 4 times a year. It’s a 60 mile round trip but it’s worth it. I really enjoy it and have met some lovely people.
We always go for a meal afterwards. I can never drink because I am always driving. 5 years ago somebody from the same village as me joined the group. She isn’t really a friend, more a neighbour that I am friendly with. She drove herself there for the first couple of times and then asked me if I would give her a lift. I naturally assumed that we would lift share but it just never happened.
She has never offered to drive me or contributed towards my fuel costs. So, basically we all go out and she has several drinks with her meal and I can only have one small one and we leave.

I have taken some annual leave next week and I asked her if she would drive as I really fancied having a few drinks for a change. She very reluctantly agreed but it was awkward and I could see she wasn’t keen.
She has messaged me today saying that she can’t imagine going out and not being able to have a few drinks (grim ) and that she had booked a taxi at a cost of £80 return. She then said so, half n half £40 each..

AIBU to be annoyed? I can’t afford £40 and I think she is cheeky to ask given that she has had free lifts for 5 years!

I’ve composed the following response but haven’t sent it yet… I suppose I am sense checking in case I am the one who is being unreasonable.

“ I can confirm that is indeed pretty grim to drive whilst everyone else drinks. It is what I do every time we go. I’m not up for sharing a taxi - I can’t afford it. Don’t worry about it, I will see you there”.

I honestly don’t feel inclined to give her a lift in future but don’t want the hassle of feeling awkward or causing upset.

Thoughts please.

She’s really taken advantage of you for so many years. Send the message and move on.

48 hours too late for this gem of advice

🤣🤣🤣

Omg. I totally sympathise with you .
Some people are just so blindly selfish & unaware.
I firmly believe that she is hoping you will decide to drive instead of going by cab thereby saving herself the £40.
She doesn't deserve your friendship as she isqq a user .
I understand its sometimes difficult to stand up to people like this as we like to keep the peace but there is no way she should be allowed to browbeat you.
I get the feeling you wouldn't miss her company anyway but she would certainly miss yours.
She can pay the full cost herself & then perhaps she might realise she took you for granted .
Just maintain the high road and say you will see her there.
You sound like a kind lady but instead of appreciating you she has taken your kindness as weakness .
That's her problem.

Im calling it drama because she’s gone a roundabout way to try and get what she wants, which has made the situation more than it needs to be. There are better ways of addressing it, that’s all.

I said about the lifts I’m giving my friend because one of the other posts said that anyone who disagrees with the way the OP has acted must also be someone whose CF about lifts. Just confirming that I’m not, and it’s possible to think both people are wrong.

How self centred do you have to be to not even offer petrol money, unbelievable!

Op shouldn’t have had to ask it’s basic manners to offer petrol money, to alternate driving or if refused thank with a small gift.
Of all the things for cf to latch on well it’s not full 5 years would have had me absolutely fuming. If lifts started in 2018 it’s 5 years - even if there was a gap for Covid. It’s still lots of lifts. You seriously can’t see a problem with saying well you only gave me 15 not 20 free lifts.
Op hasn’t made it awkward at all cf has. I’d be thoroughly ashamed to have freeloaded and when called out not apologised.

@withgraceinmyheart are you the CF or in a disillusional Lala land

there are unwritten common etiquette rules .. taking the lifts 1st or zillionth time.. offering a token gesture of thanks, reciprocal in kind offer etc is basic manners.. end of..

crying and whinging that it’s grim not to go have a few drinks and get a lift back .. entitled

Okaaay thanks for the advice. Will read my mumsnet emails quicker next time 😊

Can't believe there's actually people out there who believe op is at fault and that any strops or bad feeling that cf brings to the group as a result of no longer getting her free chauffeur is on op!!

You’ve handled this brilliantly OP, well done!
I also really want to know what happens on the night - i’m guessing she will have no intention of booking a taxi and will be shocked when she finds out you are staying and therefore not available to take her home!
Have a brilliant night OP and do come back and update us!

Hope you have a fabulous time

This!

"withgraceinmyheart" is one of the more misnamed posters on Mumsnet! :D

@withgraceinmyheart yes OP was ok - and then made a request of the CF to drive ONE time. Instead of doing so with good grace, CF kicked up a fuss and demanded OP pay out £40 for a taxi, on basis CF wanted to drink.

CF did not back down when politely challenged but added fuel on fire, including diminishing OPs goodwill.

OP unmasked a CF when she made a perfectly reasonable request. She took appropriate and fair action based on the CF’s true character (or lack of) being revealed.

With this new perspective OP is wrong for now making her own travel arrangements and putting herself first how exactly?

Send it and don’t take her again in future! say you prefer your own company. 🤨

Cf! How can she not share lifts or pay for petrol when she would've been driving there anyway? Or at least offer to pay for your meal. I would be tempted to remind her you've been doing it all for free and it's downright unfair, the truth! X

I’ve got a friend who’s been causally accepting lifts once a week for years without ever offering me petrol money because she doesn’t have a car.

Does she not realise that people who don't have a car are still allowed to handle money and to pay for things that other people use to benefit them? Stevie Wonder has never driven a car, but that doesn't mean he's never paid for the use of one. Does the idea of bus fares baffle her as well, because it's somebody else filling them with diesel and driving them, and not her?

I'm very perplexed at the idea of OP somehow creating the awkwardness.

Do you think that the old man in the other thread, whom the new landlord wants to kick out of the house that he's paid upfront for, for his whole life, will be creating awkwardness (once he's been done the basic courtesy of being informed) if he is at all reluctant to just up and leave his home immediately?

I can't believe she's willing to pay £40 just to have a few drinks and get out of driving you both!

I’ve just read all the comments left since last night. Thank you.
Tbh, I didn’t really mind too much about the petrol at first as I was going anyway. It was just the assumption that I would always drive that started to niggle me. OK, it took a few years, but It niggled me enough to ask her to drive on one occasion and she declined. I was pretty stunned when she asked me for half the cost of the taxi.
That niggle very quickly turned into an annoyance that blooming festered and with the knowledge of all your supportive comments (mostly), I decided to just do what suits me in future and that is to go on my own. No hard feelings on my part.
We haven’t fallen out. I was perfectly civil - I still haven’t heard from her since the tearful phone call. I’m hoping it will stay that way. My last comment to her was I would see her there. We shall see!
Im so looking forward to a few Christmas drinks and a night away! What a treat!

As the old saying goes - "never a good deed goes unpunished".

I've heard of and experienced my fair share of people taking advantage of me but this really does take the biscuit. Please send that message a.s.a.p. What a bloody cheeck this woman has!

Have fun at your hobby and enjoy staying over. Good on you for sticking up for yourself. She was absolutely taking the piss that the one time in 5 yrs you asked for her to drive she said no and asked for taxi money. What an absolute taker.

Heres to many peaceful drives in the future followed by fun at your activity and an enjoyable dinner at the pub🍻

Well done for finding your backbone OP.

Great update op. Enjoy your night away!