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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lift for 5 years - AIBU?

921 replies

Pinot4me · 28/11/2022 20:07

I go to a hobby / interest 4 times a year. It’s a 60 mile round trip but it’s worth it. I really enjoy it and have met some lovely people.
We always go for a meal afterwards. I can never drink because I am always driving. 5 years ago somebody from the same village as me joined the group. She isn’t really a friend, more a neighbour that I am friendly with. She drove herself there for the first couple of times and then asked me if I would give her a lift. I naturally assumed that we would lift share but it just never happened.
She has never offered to drive me or contributed towards my fuel costs. So, basically we all go out and she has several drinks with her meal and I can only have one small one and we leave.

I have taken some annual leave next week and I asked her if she would drive as I really fancied having a few drinks for a change. She very reluctantly agreed but it was awkward and I could see she wasn’t keen.
She has messaged me today saying that she can’t imagine going out and not being able to have a few drinks (grim ) and that she had booked a taxi at a cost of £80 return. She then said so, half n half £40 each..

AIBU to be annoyed? I can’t afford £40 and I think she is cheeky to ask given that she has had free lifts for 5 years!

I’ve composed the following response but haven’t sent it yet… I suppose I am sense checking in case I am the one who is being unreasonable.

“ I can confirm that is indeed pretty grim to drive whilst everyone else drinks. It is what I do every time we go. I’m not up for sharing a taxi - I can’t afford it. Don’t worry about it, I will see you there”.

I honestly don’t feel inclined to give her a lift in future but don’t want the hassle of feeling awkward or causing upset.

Thoughts please.

OP posts:
deeperthanallroses · 30/11/2022 04:25

Oh booking a room sounds lovely, good on you for treating yourself well.

Stewball01 · 30/11/2022 06:22

Send the message.

a1poshpaws · 30/11/2022 06:30

Your message is great. Don't refer to the 5 years of petrol costs - it's far less dignified than your reply as it stands.

However if she asks for a lift next time, just say no, you're tired of being used as a free taxi service.

00100001 · 30/11/2022 07:09

Here for the update...

Gingernan · 30/11/2022 08:11

Isn't there a train,just get a taxi from the nearest station? But yes, she has a nerve and a cheek.

Daftmum47 · 30/11/2022 08:15

60 miles x 4 / yr x 5 years = damn well near 1000 miles!

She has been very thoughtless / presumptuous!

MrsHGWells · 30/11/2022 08:16

perfect execution OP - enjoy the night you damn well deserve it ..
… blows me away such entitlement Cheeky mare !

please given CF your warmest smile and a Royal f’ wave off when CF leaves to drive home!

Cherish every second of - that- Moment!

Shed66 · 30/11/2022 08:22

I’d make her feel guilty & say something along the lines of “I have been driving all this time and just fancied one night off. I’m not in a position to pay £40 & honestly thought you’d return the favour as it’s been a bit grim for me being designated driver all of this time. You’ve got me thinking though, maybe you wouldn’t mind chipping in to my fuel bills for future journeys, as I say, money is a bit tight. Sorry I can’t share your taxi this time, hopefully I’ll still see you there”.

SRS29 · 30/11/2022 08:28

Very well done OP, enjoy your night 😊🥂

talkingmorenonsense · 30/11/2022 08:41

This thread is Mumsnet at its best. I once had a very similar problem. Somehow I ended up driving out of my way to give a colleague a lift to work and home again. No petrol money was forthcoming. This lasted about a month, until the day my car was having an MOT, so it was the bus for me. Imagine my shock when I saw her climbing out of her husband’s car at work. They had actually driven past the end of my road and not offered me a lift. I was really upset and we had words. She thrust £20 at me, which I took but we never spoke again. She must have told others what had happened but it had the reverse effect of what she must have hoped for, as everyone in our group drifted away from her. I never spoke to anyone at work but the whole situation upset me so much I had to see a counsellor. This was years ago now and I’m over it, 😂. I learned a lot from that.

DMW60 · 30/11/2022 08:41

Great reply. I wouldn’t mention the petrol costs. People see things in different ways. She would probably argue that you are going there anyway, so why offer petrol money. However, the fact that she hasn’t even given you a ‘thank you’ gift is awful.

withgraceinmyheart · 30/11/2022 09:24

I seem to be in the minority but I don’t think you’ve handled this well at all!

You clearly don’t mind driving, you could just have been up front and asked for petrol money.

Shes also right that you haven’t given her a lift ‘for five years’ if you didn’t go in lockdown.

Its shame you’ve made this so awkward, hopefully it doesn’t spoil the hobby group dynamics.

Sadbeigechildren · 30/11/2022 09:31

She hasn't made it awkward. She has just explained she'll be doing her own thing after this as she enjoys the thinking time.

She shouldn't have had to ask for petrol money. When people have to do something they shouldn't have to do, they feel awkward. The other person plays on this for personal gain in a CF scenario. That's what has happened.

Not sure how brief gaps in a 5 year window of being a driver makes a difference to the main points.

IME people who don't see a problem with this behaviour are the ones who would also do it.

chella2 · 30/11/2022 09:33

Come on, surely it's basic manners to offer to reciprocate a lift, or to split costs, rather than just allowing someone to take you 20 times and never offering!

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/11/2022 09:37

As for her crying on the phone, that is typical of self-centred people. Instead of confining herself to a genuine and profuse apology - and offering some recompense - she tries crying in order to turn you into the villain of the piece.

@ellyeth Indeed. All she had to do was say "Oh, goodness! I'm so sorry. I hadn't even given it a thought. You're right. The taxi is on me, and if we'll take turns driving in future. I honestly thought you didn't mind not having a drink."

It doesn't cover the subject of the umpteen years' worth of petrol, but that would be something OP could let slide if genuine changes were made.

MeJane · 30/11/2022 09:38

It's not awkward to deal with a situation that you don't like head on. Confused

amusedbush · 30/11/2022 09:39

withgraceinmyheart · 30/11/2022 09:24

I seem to be in the minority but I don’t think you’ve handled this well at all!

You clearly don’t mind driving, you could just have been up front and asked for petrol money.

Shes also right that you haven’t given her a lift ‘for five years’ if you didn’t go in lockdown.

Its shame you’ve made this so awkward, hopefully it doesn’t spoil the hobby group dynamics.

That's really splitting hairs. It's the piss-poor argument of someone who knows they don't have a leg to stand on.

"You haven't been giving me free lifts for five years, we didn't go in 2020 so it has only been four years!" Hmm

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/11/2022 09:41

She shouldn't have had to ask for petrol money.

This. Petrol money should have been offered (especially when it is a long trip like this), and even if it's refused, a small gift - box of chocolates, bunch of flowers - should have been forthcoming.

It's just to show appreciation.

Coffeepot72 · 30/11/2022 09:44

Yes, petrol money should definitely have been offered (even if you didn't take it)

PinkSyCo · 30/11/2022 09:46

Okay friend/neighbour that’s fine, and after next week I now know how much I should be charging you for MY taxi service.

Titaniumum · 30/11/2022 10:06

I would agree to go with her by taxi. Casualty ask if she doesn't mind paying for all of it as you are a bit skint at the moment. When she protests remind her of the cost of petrol and give her a rough estimate of the amount you have spent on your trips with her over the past 5 years. Tell her to take the £40 out of her portion of that.
Going forward I would be very candid with her about future lifts and I would ask her to contribute towards the petrol costs. She would!

poefaced · 30/11/2022 10:12

Titaniumum · 30/11/2022 10:06

I would agree to go with her by taxi. Casualty ask if she doesn't mind paying for all of it as you are a bit skint at the moment. When she protests remind her of the cost of petrol and give her a rough estimate of the amount you have spent on your trips with her over the past 5 years. Tell her to take the £40 out of her portion of that.
Going forward I would be very candid with her about future lifts and I would ask her to contribute towards the petrol costs. She would!

Unfortunately people like this CF will turn up and say they have no money

withgraceinmyheart · 30/11/2022 10:20

Sadbeigechildren · 30/11/2022 09:31

She hasn't made it awkward. She has just explained she'll be doing her own thing after this as she enjoys the thinking time.

She shouldn't have had to ask for petrol money. When people have to do something they shouldn't have to do, they feel awkward. The other person plays on this for personal gain in a CF scenario. That's what has happened.

Not sure how brief gaps in a 5 year window of being a driver makes a difference to the main points.

IME people who don't see a problem with this behaviour are the ones who would also do it.

I didn’t say I didn’t see a problem with it. I defo think she should have been offering petrol money.

She didn’t though, and OP has handled that badly.

For the record I’m in the OPs situation at the moment. I’ve got a friend who’s been causally accepting lifts once a week for years without ever offering me petrol money because she doesn’t have a car. If it bothered me I’d just say ‘hey petrols costing a bit more now, could you chip £ for the lifts?’

It doesn’t bother me. I’m going anyway and I like the company.

I’m just saying there are ways to handle this in a direct, up front way without causing an issue within the group of people they hang out with together on a regular basis!

withgraceinmyheart · 30/11/2022 10:23

As lots of people have said this is ‘mumsnet at its finest’ ie let’s take a small, mildly annoying issue and turn it into a massive drama for everyone involved.

poefaced · 30/11/2022 10:30

@withgraceinmyheart you don’t mind the lifts, but OP does.

OP hasn’t made any drama. She hasn’t even been rude to the CF. She’s quietly booked her hotel room and will travel to the venue on her oen.

It sounds like she’s not even going to tell anyone what a CF this woman has been.

How you can call that drama is beyond me.