Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lift for 5 years - AIBU?

921 replies

Pinot4me · 28/11/2022 20:07

I go to a hobby / interest 4 times a year. It’s a 60 mile round trip but it’s worth it. I really enjoy it and have met some lovely people.
We always go for a meal afterwards. I can never drink because I am always driving. 5 years ago somebody from the same village as me joined the group. She isn’t really a friend, more a neighbour that I am friendly with. She drove herself there for the first couple of times and then asked me if I would give her a lift. I naturally assumed that we would lift share but it just never happened.
She has never offered to drive me or contributed towards my fuel costs. So, basically we all go out and she has several drinks with her meal and I can only have one small one and we leave.

I have taken some annual leave next week and I asked her if she would drive as I really fancied having a few drinks for a change. She very reluctantly agreed but it was awkward and I could see she wasn’t keen.
She has messaged me today saying that she can’t imagine going out and not being able to have a few drinks (grim ) and that she had booked a taxi at a cost of £80 return. She then said so, half n half £40 each..

AIBU to be annoyed? I can’t afford £40 and I think she is cheeky to ask given that she has had free lifts for 5 years!

I’ve composed the following response but haven’t sent it yet… I suppose I am sense checking in case I am the one who is being unreasonable.

“ I can confirm that is indeed pretty grim to drive whilst everyone else drinks. It is what I do every time we go. I’m not up for sharing a taxi - I can’t afford it. Don’t worry about it, I will see you there”.

I honestly don’t feel inclined to give her a lift in future but don’t want the hassle of feeling awkward or causing upset.

Thoughts please.

OP posts:
BraveGoldie · 29/11/2022 10:31

OP, thank you for this thread. I totally understand how you ended up in this situation. So many of us are programmed to be giving, sacrifice what we'd actually prefer, and take more than our share of the load. Well done for rebelling and rebalancing!
Love the idea of you staying overnight - turn it into a real treat!
Xxxx

BrightYellowDaffodil · 29/11/2022 10:43

notanothertakeaway · 29/11/2022 07:43

TBH, I don't think this is a great outcome

If you'd asked for petrol money years ago, then you could have continued with some lift sharing arrangement that would have suited you both

As it is, you've been taken for a mug in the past, a bunch of keyboard warriors have now encouraged you to go for the nuclear option, she's upset, you may feel less enthusiastic about the outcome after this thread has come to an end, and other people in your hobby group / village may think badly of you

MN at its worst

OP did come up with a lift sharing arrangement that suited them both - she'd driven for years and had asked CF to drive for a change, which CF initially agreed to then reneged on it to suit herself.

Realising you've been taken for a mug does not mean you should carry on with it for fear that standing up for yourself means your village will turn against you. Do you think they'll chase OP out of the parish with pitchforks or just burn her on a pyre?

Oneruleforone · 29/11/2022 11:06

Haven’t read all messages, but have read OP’s ones. To be honest I would say to her that you are happy to give her a lift to the hobby in the future, but only if she was willing to pay her share of your taxi. In other words, she is happy to pay £40 as her share of taxi, so you would happily drive her there and back for £40. Actually maybe give her mates rates, 10% off, so £36 every time!

Theunamedcat · 29/11/2022 11:08

"Other people" might get pretty irritated when they figure out CF has neither been contributing to nor splitting the cost of driving

It's very simply

I hear your refusing to give CF a lift that's a bit mean isn't it considering you live so close?? "Yes I asked her to drive just once so I could have a drink for a change she refused! Can you believe it! All these years I've been giving her FREE LIFTS and she won't drive just ONCE"

Hungoverandashamed · 29/11/2022 11:34

I love this. I need more examples of this behaviour as I am so often the one being CF'd and I seethe instead of addressing head on.

DrMorbius · 29/11/2022 11:46

£50 says on the night CF says to OP that she can't get a taxi home (they are all booked).

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/11/2022 11:49

if you are going to book a Premier Inn or similar, could you actually tell her (and others) that you're spending the night with friends who live nearby?

Say you're staying at your mate Lenny's place!

Noodlehen · 29/11/2022 11:58

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/11/2022 11:49

if you are going to book a Premier Inn or similar, could you actually tell her (and others) that you're spending the night with friends who live nearby?

Say you're staying at your mate Lenny's place!

I wouldn’t even bother lying. Just say I’ve booked a hotel for the night as a treat. No sane person will ask to stay with OP, and if she does then just say no sorry it’s booked for one 🤷🏽‍♀️

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/11/2022 12:01

No sane person will ask to stay with OP

I think that's a large part of the problem here, though....

ToWhitToWhoo · 29/11/2022 12:09

YANBU. It would be one thing if she truly COULDN'T drive (even then, she should share petrol costs); but just because she can't imagine ever going out without drinking. but expects you to -that's really cheeky.

Sweepies · 29/11/2022 12:14

Unbelievable CF! I can't drive but thankfully a lovely lady that works in my office gives me a lift, I walk about 20 minutes to wait at a garage on the main road so she doesn't need to go out her way to pick me up, and I have always offered petrol money. She never accepts so instead every week or so I buy her gifts, bottle of wine, chocolates, things she likes/has mentioned to me etc. Sometimes we walk to the shop together on our lunch break and I insist on paying for whatever she has. She's very grateful and always telling me it's not necessary as she's going the same way regardless but I'd feel so awkward otherwise. The amount I spend on "lift gifts" for her still doesn't equal what I would be spending in bus and train fare everyday (£6 for the bus and then £7 for the train everyday - I live in a remote area) so I'm very happy with the arrangement! I couldn't imagine accepting lifts and not offering money or a gift to the driver.

Snazzysausage · 29/11/2022 12:40

Sweepies · 29/11/2022 12:14

Unbelievable CF! I can't drive but thankfully a lovely lady that works in my office gives me a lift, I walk about 20 minutes to wait at a garage on the main road so she doesn't need to go out her way to pick me up, and I have always offered petrol money. She never accepts so instead every week or so I buy her gifts, bottle of wine, chocolates, things she likes/has mentioned to me etc. Sometimes we walk to the shop together on our lunch break and I insist on paying for whatever she has. She's very grateful and always telling me it's not necessary as she's going the same way regardless but I'd feel so awkward otherwise. The amount I spend on "lift gifts" for her still doesn't equal what I would be spending in bus and train fare everyday (£6 for the bus and then £7 for the train everyday - I live in a remote area) so I'm very happy with the arrangement! I couldn't imagine accepting lifts and not offering money or a gift to the driver.

But you're a fair and considerate person who recognises their luck in getting a lift.Which begs the question why do the CF's seem so blind to their luck in the same situation. The sense of entitlement from them is insane.

2bazookas · 29/11/2022 12:44

well done, I hope she is shamed into coming to her senses.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 29/11/2022 12:45

No sane person will ask to stay with OP

You say that but someone did that to me. Hadn't had a holiday for a couple of years due to various circumstances so booked a lovely hotel and extra nights around an away-fixture wedding. A mate (and fellow guest) rocked up on the morning of the wedding and asked if he could crash on the floor of my room that night because he hadn't had time to sort a hotel and anyway they were all too expensive. Absolutely bloody not!

piedbeauty · 29/11/2022 12:53

You have driven her there and back 20 times - about 1,200 miles??

And she wants you to go halves on her taxi?? She is a CF. I'd be tempted to point this out. Don't, whatever you do, ever give her a lift again.

piedbeauty · 29/11/2022 12:56

OMG, have RTFT. She's an irredeemable CF.

Well done for standing up for yourself!!

bringincrazyback · 29/11/2022 13:06

Well done OP! I don't know how these CFs have the nerve!

Lullabies2Paralyze · 29/11/2022 13:14

Drive yourself there and back and don’t give her a lift. Let her have a taxi by herself.

pretend you are going somewhere else before/afterwards so you can’t give her a lift if you want to be less confrontational about it

ifIwerenotanandroid · 29/11/2022 13:21

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/11/2022 23:37

I don't get the 'gotcha' about OP potentially booking a cheap hotel room when she said she couldn't afford £40 for a taxi. Maybe she's re-evaluated the cost-benefit of the two options. 'Can't afford' doesn't always mean 'I do not have this money at all' but is also used to decline something you feel is profligate - such as paying £40 for a taxi when you already have a car of your own available.

This is a fabulous result! Going on her attitude to date, I'm not at all convinced that CF wouldn't have agreed the £40 each and then suddenly 'discovered' that she'd forgotten her purse when it came to paying the taxi driver - and may have needed to 'borrow' £40 that would never have been repaid. The CF logic being 'well, you can either pay to drive us there and back or you can pay for somebody else to drive us there and back - I'm not fussy!' She could even have continued the 'forgotten purse' narrative with her crocodile tears and got everybody else to sub her drinks and meal for the evening as well.

Well done, OP, for finally managing to brush off the parasite once and for all!

I agree. I was once in an interior decorating shop & they had offcuts I fancied for an art project but I didn't have much spare cash for non-essentials. The assistant came over, & to get out of it I said I couldn't afford the offcuts & I started to leave. He sold them to me for less, which was really nice of him. Not long after, DH & I decided to get our sofas professionally recovered, & we decided on a budget which would come out of savings, so having found an upholsterer I went back to this shop to enquire about fabrics. The same assistant simply assured me that his fabrics were very expensive & I'd be better off looking elsewhere. Actually, our budget would have covered buying the fabric there, but I went elsewhere because I felt so embarrassed & wasn't about to beg him to sell me some material.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/11/2022 13:32

You say that but someone did that to me. Hadn't had a holiday for a couple of years due to various circumstances so booked a lovely hotel and extra nights around an away-fixture wedding. A mate (and fellow guest) rocked up on the morning of the wedding and asked if he could crash on the floor of my room that night because he hadn't had time to sort a hotel and anyway they were all too expensive. Absolutely bloody not!

We went to some friends' wedding years ago and they had a lovely little bridal cottage in the grounds of the historic wedding venue as their private honeymoon suite. Another friend had decided to camp and had booked a local campsite, but then it rained heavily (North Wales in the Autumn!), so she asked quite optimistically if she could stay with them and basically crash their honeymoon! The couple had a really awkward look and felt too mean to instantly say "not likely!"; thankfully, some other friends were a little bolder and told her to hop it!

ChristmasCwtch · 29/11/2022 13:47

Love your update!! Well done for standing firm on this. Enjoy your Christmas outing and mini stay over 👏

ScarierThanBoo · 29/11/2022 14:02

I honestly hoped you were a secret Trekkie, you could have told her you were getting home in a shuttle at warp speed but that she should boldly go ... and fuck herself.

anotherdayanotheralias · 29/11/2022 14:20

Wonder if she's going to try and butter you up somehow to get you to take her again. Be on your guard! The fact that she argued the toss about the pandemic hiatus means she doesn't totally see how she's offended you. Shot herself in the foot there, ha!

Dixiechickonhols · 29/11/2022 14:33

I wonder if she’ll go for sideways attack now and you’ll get a message/call from another participant saying it’s a shame ‘Brenda’ is missing out you usually bring her don’t you. Definitely stick to your guns. I can’t believe her audacity of saying you’d only given 15 not 20 lifts in 5 yrs due to Covid - totally missing point you had done and paid petrol for 15 and her 0. Sheer Brass neck.

MeridianB · 29/11/2022 14:35

Great update, OP! Isn't it interesting how these CFs always resort to crying a some point, making painting themselves as victims. Enjoy your next trip!