Lift for 5 years - AIBU?

[Pinot4me]

I go to a hobby / interest 4 times a year. It’s a 60 mile round trip but it’s worth it. I really enjoy it and have met some lovely people.
We always go for a meal afterwards. I can never drink because I am always driving. 5 years ago somebody from the same village as me joined the group. She isn’t really a friend, more a neighbour that I am friendly with. She drove herself there for the first couple of times and then asked me if I would give her a lift. I naturally assumed that we would lift share but it just never happened.
She has never offered to drive me or contributed towards my fuel costs. So, basically we all go out and she has several drinks with her meal and I can only have one small one and we leave.

I have taken some annual leave next week and I asked her if she would drive as I really fancied having a few drinks for a change. She very reluctantly agreed but it was awkward and I could see she wasn’t keen.
She has messaged me today saying that she can’t imagine going out and not being able to have a few drinks (grim ) and that she had booked a taxi at a cost of £80 return. She then said so, half n half £40 each..

AIBU to be annoyed? I can’t afford £40 and I think she is cheeky to ask given that she has had free lifts for 5 years!

I’ve composed the following response but haven’t sent it yet… I suppose I am sense checking in case I am the one who is being unreasonable.

“ I can confirm that is indeed pretty grim to drive whilst everyone else drinks. It is what I do every time we go. I’m not up for sharing a taxi - I can’t afford it. Don’t worry about it, I will see you there”.

I honestly don’t feel inclined to give her a lift in future but don’t want the hassle of feeling awkward or causing upset.

Thoughts please.

Yes she’s taking the piss and you have let her do it for 5 years ! Send the message and don’t let anyone do that again.

Send what message?

I’m late to the day but just to say well done OP, especially after she rang you. So sorry u had to find out this way, but absolutely the right response! MN very quick to call CF but this is indisputable CF MN finest stamp.

EH??? she doesnt get to decide to keep lift sharing... she can do one.!

Well done OP!

Trying to take this seriously but the use of keyboard warriors has me dying.

OP was already ready to “take the nuclear option” before coming to MN, she had wrote the text ready to go, because she was sick of, as you say, being taken for a mug. All the “keyboard warriors” (or people on MN) have done is confirmed her “friend” is a cheeky cunt and a line needs drawing. Real life questioning of shady behaviour isn’t “nuclear”.

What exactly do you want OP to do? You’ve called OP a mug for letting this situation carry on but then said she will be viewed negatively by her village / group for standing up for herself… so she is supposed to carry on being a mug as to not potentially ostracise herself? “You need to know I think you’re an idiot but don’t rock the boat you idiot”. And other people are keyboard warriors

she's upset
she’s upset her cheeky fucking freeloader ways have been called out and she’s done herself out of a lift every week. She’s not upset for taking thr absolute piss out of OP and then having the Gaul to say go half’s on taxis.

God, imagine a life where every action you carry out is driven by a fear of what other people think. How limiting. Why should OP care what people in the group or her village think? Why should she put their opinions or the friend's upset before her own?

The only thing worse than a CF is a CF who doesnt accept any responsibility even when its pointed out to them.

Just be careful of 'the group' pressuring you to give her a lift home. Have a reasonable excuse ready which doesnt show you up in a bad light. Stopping at mums on the way home etc.

What were the chances of CF neighbour finding this post!? 🤦‍♀️

OP, people like this always turn on the tears when confronted. It's an attempt to deflect from her behaviour and make you feel like the bad guy. Even if her Christmas meal excuse were true, she still shouldn't have asked you for the £40 and she knows it. What a CF!

This is not my opinion but I’m speculating that In the neighbours head the OP is going anyway and had already been going so no additional cost incurred or change of behaviour required. The taxi is an additional expense which they should both share.

just to reiterate I think the neighbour is a total cf and have been in a similar position to the OP. It’s a creep situation that you one day agree to a lift/favour and before you know it you’re being used and abused!

Still no offer to drive or pay for taxi then? What a joker.

Giving lifts has caused me problems in the past, I do avoid it now. I'm glad you've resolved this.

The travelodge would be cheaper than a taxi at £80 (well, depending on location/date and in advance, some can be in the 20s/30s).

This is not my opinion but I’m speculating that In the neighbours head the OP is going anyway and had already been going so no additional cost incurred or change of behaviour required.

Yes, she's clearly taking the classic CF position of 'you were already paying and it doesn't cost any more for me'. Even though, it does cost a little bit more in petrol for the extra weight - and it 'costs' a lot more in personal space, having your own thoughts, own music/audiobook etc.

The thing that the CFs deliberately ignore is that, instead of saying "Why should I pay towards it?" they should be asking "Why shouldn't I pay when I benefit?" Do they expect a free ride on the bus, because it's going there anyway? Free entry to the cinema, because they're showing the film anyway?

It seems completely lost on them (on purpose) that, although the person is paying it anyway, they could pay half as much if the other person benefiting equally also stumped up their fair share. You just know that it would never work the other way, if they (the CF) were driving somewhere and somebody wanted to tag along, not expecting to make any contribution as they weren't incurring any further costs.

Issues like these will crop up more frequently due to the cost of living rise.

I have a genuine friend- we've been pals for years- but because we have two cars rather than their one vehicle < I have elderly DPs who live an hour away so it's needed for that> I end up doing most of the driving.

I don't really mind and it's nice to have company, but it is getting to the point where I'm starting to resent subsidising their ability to have one car and never getting offered any contribution towards petrol.

In OPs case there is literally no benefit in bringing the neighbour. She prefers driving on her own and gets offered nothing towards petrol.

It will only be awkward at the meet up if you allow it to be so. Most folks will just not want to get involved in any discussions about it or take sides.

Great work, OP! You are an inspiration.

I think I've skimmed through all the responses on this thread, so apologies if I've missed something. The only point I would add is - if you are going to book a Premier Inn or similar, could you actually tell her (and others) that you're spending the night with friends who live nearby? Just in case she tries to piggy-back and join you. Unlikely, but with someone as bare-faced as this...

In response to pps saying the OP shouldn't care what other people think (when denying the CF a lift back) - it's not as simple as that. I would mind very much if I got the blame for being mean (if this CF managed to show me up in front of others) when in fact I'd been incredibly generous for years. I've been in the situation where people like this manage to turn the tables on you by playing the victim in front of other people and it's extremely annoying. So think around all the possibilities and have a water-tight story. And don't be afraid to just tell them the full situation if she starts bad-mouthing you at the event.

Good luck, and don't weaken!

This is why I don’t give lifts anymore . I spent years giving my DC friends lifts and my DC were never offered lifts. People can be grabby and selfish so you sadly need to protect yourself from this behaviour. I would refuse any further lifts to her.

This. I think she should pay for the taxi if she doesn't want to drive and have a drink.

I would say:

'Sorry I didn't realise we where splitting the bill all this time, in that case so 4 times per year x the 4 years I have driven you at £30 a tank (so your half is £15) thats £240 you owe me, you can take my portion out of than and give me the remaining £200 when we get there'

Wow I think she's being really rude. At least you can end all her lifts now, on that basis. That text message is an appropriate response.

I learnt the hard way that some people expect it all and give nowt back and get plain nasty when confronted by a no! I also don't give lifts now or in fact engage with a few people that got very greedy and expected too much, with never a thank you leaving their lips! I no longer expect to be friends with everyone, or everyone to be friendly with me and I have closed my 'bank' to those that felt that deposits were not necessary, whether that be a thank you or hand in their pocket occasionally. I was confronted by someone who tried to make me out to be the villain of the piece, in front of an audience, as to my not 'helping' her and she really did not like it when I recountered what, when and why to the same audience, delivered calmly and rationally when I really wanted to go for the throat. Reassuringly, two people then came up to me and said she'd treated them in the same way. She'd be travelling solo from now on.

Total cf

It’s a creep situation that you one day agree to a lift/favour and before you know it you’re being used and abused!

Agree @TofuonToast - as a one-off, its not a problem, then it slips into free lift on a few occasions, then suddenly it's become the expected protocol, and mentioning petrol money is awkward and uncomfortable (and also something that the CF will use when complaining to other people.

But it is very cheeky - especially that now the price of fuel has rocketed.