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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents I’ve never met have gone out and left their child here?

341 replies

RosesAndUnicorns · 28/11/2022 19:55

Well not even ‘here’ but on the street really

DD11 went out with her friends earlier and came back with one of them who lives two streets over to play in her room
Fine, happens all the time
A few minutes ago I said to this child that one of us would walk her some soon as we had to do homework, showers etc ready for tomorrow, to which she said ‘oh my mum & dad won’t be home till 9:45 I can’t get in till then’
So she has to stay here until DDs usual bedtime because her parents aren’t in!

AIBU to be totally shocked! If this girl hadn’t come into my house to play I’d have called DD in and she would’ve been out on the street alone until 9:45!

I haven’t said to her that she has to leave or anything because honestly, something similar happened to me once as a child and the parents of my friend made it very clear they were furious and I felt so awkward and unwanted, so I’ve made them a hot chocolate and put Netflix on for them
But I am a little bit furious! This is not my child to be responsible for like this!

OP posts:
scratchyfannyofcocklane · 29/11/2022 09:32

Tyipical Mumsnet jumping to conclusions about neglectful parenting and the need to inform everyone from the police to the nspcc,imagining this poor child lives a miserable existence where nobody cares...

I expect the reality went something like this :

Neglectful parents:
'Where are you ? I told you to be back by 6.30 as we due to see your brothers school performance this evening '

Poor Abandoned child:
'Oh sorry I forgot, I'm at Clares house'

Neglectful parent:
'we need to leave NOW so I hope you haven't forgotten your key ? as we wont be back until 9.45 '

Poor abandoned child :
'I've left my key at home '

Neglectful parent:
' well you'll either have to ask if its ok stay there or wait in the garden until we get home .Next time remember your key ! '

Twentyfourlegs · 29/11/2022 09:36

FancyFran · 29/11/2022 03:41

Been there, got the T shirt. One of DD s friends was being beaten the other abused. Now 19. Neither set of parents would engage with me. Very odd in our middle class market town which is full of helicopter parents. Both had bed linen etc at my house. Luckily my daughter told me (had to break their confidence to do it). One use to stay until 10 pm from aged 11 hoping her father would have passed out, the other begged to stay over from 14.
I would speak to the school first. The senco will often have insight.

I just wanted to say Thank You on behalf of those girls, for helping them.

It’s the definition of charity really, not throwing money at a problem (though obviously there was a cost involved I realise) or performing some attention seeking stunt.

Actual real hands-on helping two people in need. 💐

54isanopendoor · 29/11/2022 09:40

It could be the scenario that @scratchyfannyofcocklane says.
It could be that this kid is left to hang about outside often (I was)
OP understands this dynamic clearly.
In the absence of proof either way I'd be like the OP & make sure the kid felt welcome in case she has a ropey home life. It's kind. It's low reaction. It's also a good move if you are new in a community. In time, the OP will find out whether she has 'been played' by the kid or not. Meantime, she's done the right thing imo.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 29/11/2022 09:48

7upandup · 29/11/2022 07:46

It looks obvious to me op hasn't been back because it was a misunderstanding. The girl probably wanted to stay so said her parents were out...but op didn't phone the parents so would be none the wiser.
It would be a bit far fetched that her parents were both out at that time of night on a weekday night with a child to get to school in the morning...unless in an emergency which I'm sure the parents would have spoke to op herself if that was the case.

Phoning the school and reporting to social services was a massive leap without actually speaking to them.
It seems op was more bothered about her child's popularity and didn't want to seem the uncool mum, coupled with op not wanting confrontation. All could have been resolved by calling the parents.
She's totally been played by this child.

Are you related to Stretch Armstrong?
Because that's quite a lot of reaching...
Do you always jump to a million OTT conclusions?

Dixiechickonhols · 29/11/2022 10:04

FavouritePi · 29/11/2022 03:08

There's no harm in reporting a potential safeguarding issue. As a parent, I'd rather be asked about something like this and it be wrong. Imagine this child left on the streets or their garden, locked out of their house at night, in the dark and cold, until their parents are happy to come home. A child having to text and ask when their parents will be home is unacceptable. As a grown woman I don't like being stranded on the streets at night ffs! This child is vulnerable to be groomed for gangs, trafficking, etc. This is literally the kind of situation those people look for, kids who are left at home or outside and they lure kids in with generosity.

No way would my mother have done this in the 90s when times were a bit more lapse and I'd never do it to my child, they'd be coming with me wherever it was and if they couldn't come, I wouldn't be going.

I get your point OP but it should be reported straight away, if they agree negligent with this, they may be negligent in other areas too.

Show quote history

I wasn’t saying not to contact school but not jump to it without trying to contact them. She doesn’t know the girl or parents. Girl is in her house with her phone. Surely first port of call is a call or text to them just to let them know where she is and sort out them picking her up. If Op still has concerns after speaking to them and meeting them when they pick her up then of course alert school and/or ss. But at least will have a bit more info.
Hope the girl is ok.

CynthiaRothrock · 29/11/2022 10:12

Unfortunately this is becoming more the norm these days. Or at least in the deprived town i live in. Since yr 7 My eldest dd's (now14yr old/yr10) friends see my house as the local youth club and are frequently here untill 9pm, after being fed/watered/re clothed after walking in the pissing down rain/made to do their home work. They don't even knock or wait for my daughter to be in some days!
The first few times it happened had me concerned and driving/phoning around trying to contact people.
Turns out their parents work late/shifts. They were going home to empty houses, cooking (pot noodles/toast) for their tea, had no help with homework and taking themselves to bed. I insisted they told their parents where they were and that i was happy for them to stay (and showed me the txt). The parents don't expect me to do it and apart from 1, are grateful and don't take the piss.
I know where the kids are, they're not hanging about the park drinking and smoking and they have become Part of our family, they even help with chores and cooking.
Things are not always as sinister as it seems.
Try and open a line of communication with the parents, its hard when they hit high-school, the rules change and its not always easy to navigate.

BacklogBritain · 29/11/2022 10:16

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

mam0918 · 29/11/2022 10:28

Well they havent left her there, do they even know she is at yours?

You don't know what arrangement they have but you DO know its not with you.

She might be lying/trying her luck because she gets to eat snacks and watch netflix at yours instead of doing homework at home, maybe shes meant to be at granny's but granny is a grumpy old git and yours is more fun so she took off with friends (but still has SOMEWHERE to go just not her home), maybe she was suppose to be going to a different friends house but they cancelled and she never told her parents and they have no idea shes elsewhere etc...

SoftSheen · 29/11/2022 10:30

scratchyfannyofcocklane · 29/11/2022 09:32

Tyipical Mumsnet jumping to conclusions about neglectful parenting and the need to inform everyone from the police to the nspcc,imagining this poor child lives a miserable existence where nobody cares...

I expect the reality went something like this :

Neglectful parents:
'Where are you ? I told you to be back by 6.30 as we due to see your brothers school performance this evening '

Poor Abandoned child:
'Oh sorry I forgot, I'm at Clares house'

Neglectful parent:
'we need to leave NOW so I hope you haven't forgotten your key ? as we wont be back until 9.45 '

Poor abandoned child :
'I've left my key at home '

Neglectful parent:
' well you'll either have to ask if its ok stay there or wait in the garden until we get home .Next time remember your key ! '

Even in the scenario you describe, it is neglectful to leave your 11 year old outside until 9.45 at night (at any time of year but especially in the winter) and also not great to let her stay that late at the house of someone who you don't know at all and have never had any communication with.

yeswedo · 29/11/2022 10:51

Crumbs what were the parents like?

FancyFran · 29/11/2022 10:57

@Twentyfourlegs thank you for saying that.
You prompted me to speak to my daughter to say that if either girl needed me to knock the door (DD of to uni soon). It was pretty awful, both denied food, one showers. We live in a 'naice' location. Lots of hidden horrors.

Anpetu · 29/11/2022 11:03

This is child abuse and it needs reporting to the appropriate authority asap!
That child is being put in danger, and is in need of protection. Denied shelter and food is dreadful. Please do not ignore the situation.

mam0918 · 29/11/2022 11:10

Anpetu · 29/11/2022 11:03

This is child abuse and it needs reporting to the appropriate authority asap!
That child is being put in danger, and is in need of protection. Denied shelter and food is dreadful. Please do not ignore the situation.

A lot of people who are completely naive to the fact that children commonly tell pork pies when they want to continue having fun with a friend.

To try and ruin someone life and reputation of a kid saying they can't go home because they don't want to do homework and would rather have snacks and movies is a ridiculous over reaction. People want to be careful, your kids can say just as stupid a while lie that someone might chase you down with.

DunkingMyDonuts · 29/11/2022 11:12

@PeekabooAtTheZoo
Are you related to Stretch Armstrong
Because that's quite a lot of reaching

😂😂😂

Ellie1015 · 29/11/2022 11:35

It is awkward and i would be concerned but also aware it is one side of the story. Conversation may have been

Mum "Time to come home we have to take your brother to swimming"
Dd "please can i stay with my friend"
Mum "no we wont be back until 9.45"
Dd "friends mum is fine with it please"

Hope all is well and dds friend is ok.

justasking111 · 29/11/2022 12:15

I was that mum 80s and 90s. Used to keep extra food and drink in for randoms. No mobile phones in those days. I wouldn't have phoned social though.

Freddosforall · 29/11/2022 12:19

scratchyfannyofcocklane · 29/11/2022 09:32

Tyipical Mumsnet jumping to conclusions about neglectful parenting and the need to inform everyone from the police to the nspcc,imagining this poor child lives a miserable existence where nobody cares...

I expect the reality went something like this :

Neglectful parents:
'Where are you ? I told you to be back by 6.30 as we due to see your brothers school performance this evening '

Poor Abandoned child:
'Oh sorry I forgot, I'm at Clares house'

Neglectful parent:
'we need to leave NOW so I hope you haven't forgotten your key ? as we wont be back until 9.45 '

Poor abandoned child :
'I've left my key at home '

Neglectful parent:
' well you'll either have to ask if its ok stay there or wait in the garden until we get home .Next time remember your key ! '

Except the last response IS neglectful. At this point caring parents sigh very deeply and say "right we're coming to get you, wsit outside, we haven't got time to go back home now so you'll have to come with us and sit and read a book in the foyer while the performance is going on."

Dweetfidilove · 29/11/2022 12:22

CynthiaRothrock · 29/11/2022 10:12

Unfortunately this is becoming more the norm these days. Or at least in the deprived town i live in. Since yr 7 My eldest dd's (now14yr old/yr10) friends see my house as the local youth club and are frequently here untill 9pm, after being fed/watered/re clothed after walking in the pissing down rain/made to do their home work. They don't even knock or wait for my daughter to be in some days!
The first few times it happened had me concerned and driving/phoning around trying to contact people.
Turns out their parents work late/shifts. They were going home to empty houses, cooking (pot noodles/toast) for their tea, had no help with homework and taking themselves to bed. I insisted they told their parents where they were and that i was happy for them to stay (and showed me the txt). The parents don't expect me to do it and apart from 1, are grateful and don't take the piss.
I know where the kids are, they're not hanging about the park drinking and smoking and they have become Part of our family, they even help with chores and cooking.
Things are not always as sinister as it seems.
Try and open a line of communication with the parents, its hard when they hit high-school, the rules change and its not always easy to navigate.

You are amazing!

Children need a village now more than ever 💪

justasking111 · 29/11/2022 12:33

Children have always needed a village

justasking111 · 29/11/2022 12:39

Once upon a time granny retired at 60 so was around. Now she's 66 before her pension kicks in so is still working. It's not difficult to see how this affects society

Dixiechickonhols · 29/11/2022 12:42

Freddosforall · 29/11/2022 12:19

Except the last response IS neglectful. At this point caring parents sigh very deeply and say "right we're coming to get you, wsit outside, we haven't got time to go back home now so you'll have to come with us and sit and read a book in the foyer while the performance is going on."

Show quote history

But if kid replied yes I’ve got my key then it puts a totally different spin on it. Her Mum saying well go straight home, lock the door. Microwave the lasagne I’ve left out for you. Many would consider it fine for an 11 yr to stay at home alone until 9.45 - depending on maturity of child, neighbours to call on in emergency, got a phone. Lots of 11 yr olds would choose to stay home watching tv rather than going to watch brothers nativity.
Obviously all speculation we don’t know. Hope everything worked out ok.

2bazookas · 29/11/2022 12:46

I'd drive her to the police station and hand her in.

justasking111 · 29/11/2022 12:48

My father born 1933 the key was on a string you pulled through the letter box this was wartime. All the kids came home to an empty house while grandad was clearing bomb sites and granny nursing the survivors.

Today we have key safes punch in the code and grab the key. My dad was home alone aged eight with two younger siblings after school. The neighbours kept a weather eye out as well

RoyKeaneisRight · 29/11/2022 12:48

2bazookas · 29/11/2022 12:46

I'd drive her to the police station and hand her in.

There's a wide range of response on this thread, but this one is completely bonkers 😲

BacklogBritain · 29/11/2022 12:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.