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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Adult ADHD - anyone else fed up of the constant battle.and of constantly losing it?

491 replies

WhoHasMovedMyBrain · 28/11/2022 14:26

EVery evening I think that the next day will.be different. That I'll do my work, work when I have to, that I won't stuff my face, that I won't be late, that I'll tick off at least one tiny little.thing on.my.to. do.list. and every day I fail. I'm winging life because I've got a very organised and hard working husband, a very supportive family who have always carried me and because I can sort of.work when I'm.in dire straits..just before a deadline comes crashing down. I'm.so.fed up of the constant stress,.the constant self loathing, constantly underperforming, constantly fighting a losing battle. I feel.as.if..im.wasting my life away.

My psychiatrist is happy to prescribe meds but before.that I need to.make an appointment with my gp to get some blood tests done and I just can't do it. I can't.make the appointment to.do.the blood tests. I mean how stupid can you get?

And now I'm so late to.pick up DC that I can't have a shower. Though I've been looking forward to.it all day.

I know.im.lucky and. I've got it better than most so.i hate complaining but I hate my brain..I don't care if it's ADHD or.if I'm.just lazy, crazy and stupid but i hate being this way.

Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
DottieDolly · 30/12/2022 11:53

Can you!? Do you have one then ? Just tried to Google it and can't see anything about it, do you have a link. This would help me so so much to be able to park outside my house

DottieDolly · 30/12/2022 11:55

Massively agree with this and interesting to hear the other side perspective. My partner has been at breaking point from my years long undiagnosed and still untreated ADHD. He has been super depressed and feels we like in utter chaos, we constantly declutter etc and I goes back to chaos so quick. The Dr offered him anti depressants, I feel so guilty as I try so hard but it just goes back to crazy so quick

Cantthinkofabettername · 30/12/2022 12:22

@DottieDolly I am like this also with decluttering and then back to chaos. I decluttered the kitchen for Xmas and am determined that it won’t get back to how it was …. although just sorted all my seeds for planting this year on the kitchen table 🙄but now going to pop them back in the garage … before I get distracted by something else! It’s a huge effort for me to keep the kitchen clear but I figured if I can just keep one room in the house clear I’ll feel a bit less stressed about it all.

BertieBotts · 30/12/2022 12:55

YY to good in a crisis - this is extremely common in ADHD. I know that my experience tends to be that I just gain this clarity of mind and am able to prioritise and direct people well while they are all falling apart emotionally. Which is not to say I never panic myself - there have definitely been times that happened.

And interestingly there is yet another explanation for that - my doctor said to me that another cause of ADHD is thought to be a lower than usual level of noradrenaline, which is another neurotransmitter, one which is involved in executive functions (organisation, memory, planning etc) primarily. If we experience adrenaline (emergency, tight deadline, scared of a serious consequence) this is the same shape as the noradrenaline molecules so it can fit into the receptors and do the same job. But we don't want to rely on adrenaline all the time for daily tasks, because it's quite destructive on the body and can lead to generalised anxiety syndrome. So some non-stimulant medications reduce reuptake of noradrenaline instead of dopamine. The North American name for noradrenaline is norepephrine.

Because ADHD has so many factors leading into the causes this is part of why it's difficult to identify and treat. It seems more consistent to take a clinical history and then just try different drugs/strategies/combinations of both.

BertieBotts · 30/12/2022 12:58

The only tidying/decluttering that has stuck for me is Dana K White's A Slob Comes Clean (podcast) and her book. It's not perfect but miles better than it was. There was a good MN support thread for it, not sure if it still exists!

Adhdsucks · 30/12/2022 13:31

@BertieBotts I just can’t get on board with the containers defining how much ‘stuff’ I have. That’s an ADHD thing though of course!

Auntiedear · 30/12/2022 13:36

I have got an assessment for the end of January - it was only when a close relative was diagnosed that I looked into ADHD symptoms and suddenly everything seemed to make sense. I've been on antidepressants for 20 years or so.

I'm absolutely terrified of the doctor saying that I don't have ADHD and that I'm just rubbish. I feel as though there is finally a bit of light at the end of the tunnel but it could be extinguished if I don't get a diagnosis.

Burgoo · 30/12/2022 13:49

I've got ADHD and it has been both a blessing and a terrible curse at times! My problem tends to be attentional though I do have some hyperactivity traits especially when stressed.

The good points were that when I worked in a fast paced, high energy environment I thrived. I had to make snap decisions quickly without waiting around and mulling things over endlessly. The problem is that I hadn't really got a slower gear until the past few years.

The difficulties I find are:

Procrastination about work related boring tasks - I am not interested in a lot of the administrative stuff and I can put things off for years! It piles up and then I end up overwhelmed. It is worse when its stuff around the house like bills, repairs etc.

Losing keys, wallets, ipods, phones, cards every day. I have had to invest in key finders for everyday items as I spend so much time trying to locate things I put somewhere and forgot. I can walk into a room, forget what I was going in for and walk out with one less thing!

I seem rude and inattentive at times; I have to consciously focus on what a person is saying and resist the urge to turn away and do something else. I didn't notice it til my colleague said I was rude and dismissive. In context, she was crying about her son's potential prison term and I walked off mid-conversation without saying goodbye.

My memory is shocking. I can have a conversation and ten minutes later I can't recall any of it.

I had a somewhat fiery temper in my younger years though as I have aged I have been able to manage a little more.

Anxiety, anxiety and more anxiety.

What I have found that helps:

Mindfulness - it is SO hard when you start and demoralising. Though apparently evidence suggests it can be very good for ADHD and impulse control and I've really found it helpful. Notice when you are drifting onto another topic/activity etc and bring yourself back.

Lists. List after list after list. I love a list. Colour code it. Make it interesting. Plan things to a high degree of specificity. Even at your most picky and anal you will still seem a bit more chaotic than people who don't plan like it.

Post-its and other notes - I have to stick them everywhere. My memory is shocking - my job relies on detail so I have to note everything. Normally in short/bullet points so I can recall what was said.

Tell people what you need! - all of my colleagues know that if they want me to read an email they need to stick "URGENT" in the title and it needs to be a line or less. If it has to go on and on then bold/red the bit you want me to action/see. I won't ever read more than a line or two, it is all boring so get to the point (ironically given the length of my posts!) Also get them to cut all the "hope you are well" nonsense (at least for me) I don't care if you hope I'm well, what do you want me to do!?

Remind people to give you a gentle nudge - if you seem rude, ask people to gently let you know. I've found relationships are much better this way.

Set expectations - I tell people that I can come off as a bit abrupt, short and inattentive and the reason (I don't bang on about it, jus so people who need to know are aware. For example boss, close colleagues, people who rely on you). I will often send the following response to a 2 page email:

"Yes"

And people get uppity about it if they don't know what you are like. I don't ask for concessions, just know that if you ask me a question I will likely answer with a word. No point dragging it out (irony noted!)

Be a bit kind to yourself - I used to kick myself constantly. My partner is very understanding which helps!

Burgoo · 30/12/2022 13:50

@Auntiedear "I'm absolutely terrified of the doctor saying that I don't have ADHD and that I'm just rubbish. I feel as though there is finally a bit of light at the end of the tunnel but it could be extinguished if I don't get a diagnosis."

The problem with pathologising many problems is it takes away any sense of agency and self-responsibility. I don't like the fact many people hang their behaviour on "I have X condition". I know I am difficult to be around because I have ADHD and at the same time I don't feel I have an excuse. I have to try harder than the average person.

Auntiedear · 30/12/2022 13:59

I don't think I'm looking for an excuse but just an understanding of why I find certain things so difficult - a diagnosis won't magically cure me - but surely knowing why I struggle will help me cope better.

I have worked really hard on managing other aspects of my life such as crippling depression and having a diagnosis has supported that process.

Auntiedear · 30/12/2022 14:00

Reply above was to @Burgoo

Parrotid · 30/12/2022 14:09

@Burgoo are you medicated? Im
finding them life changing.

georgarina · 30/12/2022 14:23

Burgoo · 30/12/2022 13:50

@Auntiedear "I'm absolutely terrified of the doctor saying that I don't have ADHD and that I'm just rubbish. I feel as though there is finally a bit of light at the end of the tunnel but it could be extinguished if I don't get a diagnosis."

The problem with pathologising many problems is it takes away any sense of agency and self-responsibility. I don't like the fact many people hang their behaviour on "I have X condition". I know I am difficult to be around because I have ADHD and at the same time I don't feel I have an excuse. I have to try harder than the average person.

@Burgoo surely the point is to get treatment. If you're not diagnosed you can't get treated.

SleekMamma · 30/12/2022 17:49

Auntiedear I agree, I'm curious to get an assessment/ diagnosis. Else why am I so crap at life?

I agree on the Slob lady, she's been life changing for me. Found her from mentions on a fly lady thread here. I signed up for the declutter your life program. It's really helpful to have the 3 complimentary approaches of the 3 women.

I feel like our life is just a constant attempt at decluttering and not actually living. We are making a massive effort so we are not living like this.

SleekMamma · 30/12/2022 17:50

I've listened to so many of Slob lady podcasts, really helpful. I'd recommend for moral support.

SleekMamma · 31/12/2022 13:07

Hey anyone struggling to book a GP appointment - I've just discovered on the NHS app you can book a GP appointment!
Even choose which doctor to see at which surgery (if there's more than 1 doc etc)

I guess your GP needs to be signed up to the data sharing, but it's brilliant!

Can make a request for a repeat prescription as well.

Technology making life easier!
Love it

WhoHasMovedMyBrain · 31/12/2022 13:45

I had completely forgotten about this thread. Thanks everyone for sharing your stories and tips.to.deal with this absolute nonsense of a condition.

Just an update: I made the deadline I was stressing about with a few all nighters of working and my boss being very lenient with the delay.

I've also had the blood test, saw the nurse and my GP has prescribed the meds. The whole thing took me about a month but that isn't too bad, is it?

So I'm going to start extremely slowly with 5mg of dexamphetamine a day. I'm absolutely terrified. The last few times I've started and restarted I always lose a few months and everything (apart from work) goes to shit because of how the meds make me feel. At the same time.i feel that 5mg is nothing. It will not help.ke get things done. However it was me that told the psychiatrist and GP.that I want to titrate superslowly. Let's see how it goes. I don't want to start them so will only.do.so.when I'm back at work after the hols....wish me luck.

OP posts:
Delphinium20 · 31/12/2022 17:10

OP, that's good to hear! Good luck with the meds and hope the slow approach will work. Keep us posted!

dolor · 31/12/2022 19:34

For anyone who is struggling, I've been using this over the last month with good results, it's called Brainzyme. I was previously taking lions mane and black maca root supplements, but these have been helpful on top of that.

We can't all access ADHD medication for various reasons, so I s'pose I've been doing my research. So far it's been helpful. I'm definitely still struggling, but this has given me the boost I need to "get going" so to speak.

PamelaBanisha · 03/01/2023 07:36

So I have my NHS appointment for assessment and it is in June .

6 month wait .

I was expecting a longer wait so not all NHS waits are that bad. I really can’t afford private so am delighted I can be seen on a reasonable timescale on NHS.

Duvetdaysaregood · 03/01/2023 08:41

What a great theead. Thanks op! Not read it all and and am trying to to get out of bed so had better focus or will be here hours .

Gp said I am in his view absolutely classic adhd and that whilst he cannot diagnose he sees no benefit in it being formally done .

he has offered me fluxotine for low mood / changes in mood etc , common with adhd
the funny thing is whilst not actually depressed i feel
great on in ( well have in past) -any thoughts ? . ,

georgarina · 03/01/2023 08:51

@Duvetdaysaregood that's great that it's working for you - can I ask if you wanted to try ADHD medication, and did the GP say why they prescribed fluoxetine rather than making a referral?

dolor · 03/01/2023 09:11

@PamelaBanisha that's great news that you can be seen fairly soon.

froggedup · 03/01/2023 10:28

Does anyone here get an upset stomach when they take their medication/have any tips for combatting this? Mine is great in all other respects but I have to have a seriously protein-dense meal before I take it and that only slightly decreases the effects of it.

BertieBotts · 03/01/2023 10:41

Some ADHD medications do need to be taken with a protein heavy meal - your doctor should have explained this but not all of them think about it.

If you like grapefruit, double check whether that is contraindicated as well as it is for some of them.

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